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where thoughts start to repeat

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I woke up like I always do when I don't want to deal with my own thoughts, pretending that if I move fast enough, dress fast enough, breathe normally enough, I can outrun whatever happened yesterday.

The bandage on my arm is still there, white and too clean compared to how messy everything feels underneath it. I stare at it for a second longer than I should before I pull my sleeve down, like hiding it somehow makes it less real. It doesn't hurt anymore physically, but it still reminds me that something happened that I don't fully know how to put into words, something I don't want to revisit but my mind keeps replaying anyway in fragments I don't fully control. Luisa helped me last night, I remember that much clearly, her hands steady even when mine weren't, her voice calm in a way that made me feel slightly less like I was falling apart. I don't know how she does that, how she just stays without making me feel like a burden.

When I stepped out, everything looked normal the way it always does, the house quiet in that emotionally empty way that doesn't really comfort me anymore but I've gotten used to, like background noise I stopped questioning a long time ago. I didn't stay long enough to think too much about it because thinking usually makes everything heavier than it already is, so I just left. Luisa was already outside waiting like she said she would be, leaning slightly against the gate like she owns the time of everyone around her, and when she saw me she straightened immediately like she had been expecting me even if I was a little slower than usual.

"Ang aga mo today," she said as I reached her side.

"Maaga ka rin naman," I replied automatically without really looking at her face for too long.

She smirked slightly like she was amused by something only she understood.

"Oo, pero ako kasi may life," she said casually.

I rolled my eyes a little even if my lips twitched slightly like they were considering smiling.

"Wow," I answered flatly.

We started walking inside together and I let her talk about random things I wasn't fully listening to because my mind kept drifting in and out of focus like it was tired of staying in one place. That's when she suddenly leaned closer and lowered her voice slightly, like what she was about to say mattered more than the noise around us.

"Okay," she said, "seriously."

I glanced at her, already knowing where this was going but pretending I didn't.

"Ano na naman?" I asked.

"Don't look at him too much," she said without hesitation.

My steps slowed for half a second before I forced them to continue like nothing changed.

"...who?" I asked anyway even if I already knew the answer.

She gave me that look again, the one that says she's not going to entertain my denial.

"Cal," she said simply.

I sighed softly through my nose like I was trying to dismiss the entire conversation before it even started.

"I'm not looking at him," I said, even if both of us knew how weak that sounded.

She didn't respond right away, just kept walking ahead like she didn't believe me but also didn't feel like arguing about it yet. And I followed because that's what I always do, even when my mind is already somewhere else entirely.

School felt the same as always, loud in the usual ways, people talking too much about things that don't matter to me, movements everywhere that I usually filter out automatically, but today I couldn't fully shut it off. I sat by my usual seat, near the window, pretending to focus on anything outside but even that felt harder than usual because I kept feeling that strange pull in my awareness like something was shifting just outside my attention. And then I saw him.

Cassian Kael Montenegro.

Leaning near the corridor like he didn't need permission to exist in any space he chose. Same posture, same silence, same unreadable expression that makes it impossible to tell what kind of person he actually is. But today felt slightly different because his attention wasn't scattered like most people's. It was directed. Focused. And somehow, I already knew where it landed before I even confirmed it.

Me.

I looked away immediately, too fast, too automatic, like I always do when I feel something I can't explain. My chest didn't tighten like fear, it just felt aware in a way I don't like, like I had been noticed without agreeing to it. Luisa noticed my reaction even without looking at him.

"Uy," she whispered, "you saw him again, no?"

I didn't answer right away because denying it felt pointless at this point.

"...hindi," I said anyway.

She sighed like she expected it.

"Liar," she said quietly.

I didn't argue. Because I didn't know how.

The rest of the morning passed like normal but not really normal for me because my mind kept circling back to things I didn't want to focus on, like his name, his presence, the way I keep becoming aware of him even when I try not to. During break, Luisa dragged me outside even if I told her I wasn't hungry, and I gave in like I usually do because resisting her takes more energy than just following.

"Eat kahit konti lang," she said while handing me food.

"I'm fine," I answered automatically.

"Seraphine," she said in that tone again.

So I ate a little just to end the conversation, and she watched me like she was making sure I wouldn't disappear if she stopped looking for too long.

"You're thinking about something," she said after a while.

"I'm always thinking," I replied.

"Hindi ganon," she said softly.

I poked at my food slowly. "Nothing important," I said.

She leaned back slightly, studying me longer than I was comfortable with. "Is it about him?" she asked.

My hand stopped for a second too fast to be natural. "...no," I said, even if it wasn't convincing.

She didn't push further, but the silence between us felt like it already knew the truth.

Later during class, something small changed everything without warning. I felt it before I saw it, that slight shift in space when something new enters your environment without sound. I looked down and saw a folded paper slid under my desk, simple and quiet like it was meant to be unnoticed. My fingers hesitated before picking it up because something about it already felt intentional, like it wasn't random at all.

I unfolded it slowly.

No name. No signature.

Just words.

"You look like you're thinking too much."

I stared at it longer than I should have, my grip tightening slightly without me realizing it. Something about it felt personal even if it shouldn't have been. My eyes slowly moved across the room after that, searching without permission, until they landed at the far end near the door.

Cassian Kael Montenegro.

Already looking away like he never looked at me at all. But I know what I saw and I know what I felt.

After class, Luisa kept talking but I wasn't fully there anymore. My thoughts were stuck in loops I didn't want to follow too deeply, and when she noticed I wasn't responding properly, her voice softened slightly.

"Hindi ka pa rin okay," she said.

"I'm fine," I answered again.

"Seraphine," she said.

I stopped walking slightly, then exhaled slowly like I was tired of repeating the same lie. "...I just don't understand why I keep noticing things I don't want to notice," I said quietly.

She looked at me carefully. "Like what?" she asked.

I hesitated. "...him," I admitted.

She didn't look surprised, and that somehow made everything worse. "Then stop pretending you don't," she said softly.

"What?" I asked.

She shrugged slightly. "You don't have to understand it yet. Pero Sera... you're already in it," she said.

"In what?" I asked, but she didn't answer.

And that silence felt heavier than anything else she said that day. When we reached the gate, he was still there.

Cassian Kael Montenegro. Standing like he has always been part of the space I just started noticing.

This time, I didn't immediately look away.

I don't know why. Maybe I was tired of pretending. For a second, our eyes met. And this time, he didn't look away first. And that was when I realized something I wasn't ready to admit yet.

This isn't random anymore.