━━━━━━━━━━━

where overthinking begins quietly

━━━━━━━━━━━

tw: self harm

Nagising ako sa bigat na hindi ko agad maipaliwanag. Parang may nakadagan sa dibdib ko– hindi mabigat na pisikal, kundi yung klase ng bigat na hindi mo alam kung paano alisin kahit anong gawin mo.

Unang bumungad sa'kin ang puting kisame. Medyo malabo pa ang paningin ko, pero alam ko agad kung nasaan ako.

My room.

Tahimik. Sobrang tahimik.

Kahit yung hangin parang ayaw gumalaw.

I slowly turned my head to the side, and that's when I saw it.

The bandage on my arm.

Parang biglang bumalik lahat.

Last night.

Ayoko sana maalala, pero walang choice ang utak ko. Paulit-ulit siyang binabalik sa'kin parang sirang tape.

The silence.
The shaking hands.
The way I couldn't breathe properly.
And the way Luisa held my wrist after.

"Seraphine Grace..." Napapikit ako nang mariin.

Luisa.

She helped me.

She cleaned everything. She didn't ask too much questions... hindi siya nangulit. She just stayed. And that alone... hurt more than anything.

Dahan-dahan akong bumangon sa kama. My body felt sore, like I ran for miles kahit hindi naman ako lumabas.

Tinignan ko ulit yung bandage.

White. Clean. Careful. Luisa did that.

I swallowed hard. "Ang tanga mo," bulong ko sa sarili ko.

Pero hindi galit. More like... disappointed. Sa sarili ko.

Tumayo ako at dumiretso sa banyo. Pagtingin ko sa salamin, hindi ako nagulat sa nakita ko.

Puffy eyes. Pale skin. Messy hair.

Mukha akong taong nag-stay awake not because of work or school... but because my mind refused to shut up.

I turned on the faucet and splashed water on my face.

Cold.

Real.

"Okay ka lang, Sera," I whispered.

But even I didn't believe it.

Paglabas ko ng kwarto, tahimik pa rin ang buong bahay. Wala si Mama. Wala si Papa.

As usual.

I walked to the kitchen, opened the fridge, and stared at it like it would magically give me answers.

Milk. Eggs. Leftovers.

Walang appetite. I closed it again.

"Ang aga mo gising." Napalingon ako.

Luisa was sitting on the dining chair, wearing my hoodie like she owns it. Hair messy, eyes tired, but she was there.

She stayed.

I blinked. "Hindi ka pa umuuwi?"

She shrugged. "Hindi ka pa okay."

I looked away.

Typical Luisa.

Straight to the point. No sugarcoating.

"Okay lang ako," I said automatically.

She raised an eyebrow. "Sera."

That tone. I sighed.

"Fine. Not okay. Happy?"

She didn't answer right away. Instead, she stood up and walked to me.

"Let me check your arm."

I hesitated for a second. Then I slowly lifted my sleeve.

Her face softened.

"Ang hirap mo talaga mahalin ang sarili mo, no?" she said quietly.

I flinched a little.

"Luisa..."

"Hindi kita jinajudge," she interrupted. "Pero Sera, ilang beses na?"

Silence.

That kind of silence that answers everything without words.

She exhaled. "Tara. Ligo ka. Then kain tayo kahit konti lang."

"I'm fine."

"Seraphine."

I closed my eyes.

She always says my name like that. Like it's not just a name, but a warning.

"...okay," I finally said.

The water hit my skin and for a moment, I just stood there.

No thoughts.

Just noise of water and steam.

Pero syempre, hindi tumahimik yung isip ko.

Bakit ba ang hirap? Bakit kapag pagod ka na, walang off switch?

I leaned my forehead against the wall.

Luisa is outside. Waiting. She always waits.

Even when I don't deserve it.

We ended up eating bread and instant coffee. She made mine the way I like it-extra sugar, no foam.

"Papasok ka pa rin ba today?" she asked.

I nodded slowly. "Yeah. Ikaw?"

She sighed. "Of course. Alangan namang pabayaan kita?"

"Im fine. Kahit naman hindi na, diba?" mabilis kong sagot.

She looked at me.

"Hindi dahil ayoko sa'yo," dagdag ko agad. "Kaya ko."

She didn't argue.

Instead, she just said, "Okay. Pero tell me kapag hindi na kaya."

I nodded. But we both knew... I never told her when I'm not okay.

The hallway was loud. Too loud. People laughing, shouting, living like everything was normal. I walked through it like I was underwater.

Smiling. Nodding. Existing.

"Seraphine!"

A group of classmates waved at me. I smiled back.

Perfect. Controlled. Fake. That's what I am here.

Fake stability.

Fake normal.

"Uy girl, anong nangyari sa'yo? Ang putla mo?" one of them asked.

I laughed lightly. "Kulangan lang sa tulog."

"Same, girl." If only they knew.

I walked away before the conversation could go deeper.

Luisa dragged me to the mall.

"Maglakad ka naman outside school vibes," she said.

I didn't have energy to argue. so here I am, walking beside her in a crowded mall.

People everywhere.

Music. Lights. Noise.

It should feel alive.

But I still feel... empty.

We stopped at a small café. She ordered two drinks without asking.

"You need sugar," she said.

"I'm not depressed," I joked weakly. She stared at me.

I sighed. "Okay, fine. I'm tired."

"Better."

We sat by the glass window.

Outside, people were walking around like they had somewhere to go.

"Seraphine," Luisa suddenly said.

"Hmm?"

"You ever think about... leaving everything?"

I froze. Not because I didn't understand. But because I did.

Too well.

"...sometimes," I admitted quietly.

She nodded like she expected it.

"But I stay," she said.

I looked at her.

"Why?"

She shrugged. "Kasi kahit gaano ka pa ka-lost sa sarili mo, I still see you. And I don't wanna lose that version of you."

My throat tightened.

I looked away fast. Because if I looked at her too long...

I might break.

When I got home that night, I stood in front of my mirror again. Bandage still there, same reflection, same eyes.

But something felt different.

Not better.

Not healed.

Just... quieter.

And for the first time in a long time... the silence didn't feel like it was screaming.

It just... stayed.