Is it all in my head?
Cause I keep getting scared
That I'll always be lost forever

~•~

Asher

No way.

There’s no way I’m leaving this room tonight. And not just out of the dorms, the fucking school premises!

Are they out of their minds? It’s just the second week of school. Are they begging to get into trouble? Especially Leo, it’s like he took it upon himself to get involved with crazy things, to risk getting into trouble. I shake my head and lay back down on my bed. My phone pings.

Finally. I pick it up and unlock it, expecting to find the link to the Spotify playlist Rhea recommended a few days ago. Instead, I see that Rhea sent a video. I click on it reluctantly, and a section of the pizza place they’re in appears on screen. In the centre of the video, I see Leo stuffing an entire slice of pizza into his mouth as Ivy watches in what I can only describe as a mix of awe and disgust. He begins to choke at one point, and Ivy slides a glass of water towards him, which he downs immediately.

Ivy. She’s there with them. I’m not surprised that Leo snuck out, neither am I surprised that Rhea did but she...she doesn’t seem like the kind of person to do this.

Neither am I...yet I find myself dressing up, knowing fully well that a huge percentage of the reason I’m leaving is because of her.

I sneak out of my dorm and step into the chilly night air. My jacket doesn’t even do much to keep me warm. Damn, I know the fall is arriving but nature should take it easy.

I jog to the entrance of the school, spotting the large sliver gate standing in the middle of the way just up ahead. I stroll past some students with my head down and my hands in pockets, definitely not acting like an escaped convict. When I’m close enough to see that the small gate is open, I stop moving forward and hang around the area.

A few people stroll to and fro, not really paying attention to me. After standing for a few minutes, unsure of what to do, I text Rhea.

Me: I’m close to the gate. How tf do I even leave

Rhea: ur coming?! Awesome

Me: Just tell me how to sneak out

Rhea: Check if the security are still asleep. If they are you walk through the small open gate quietly and boom ur out

Me: Really? It’s that easy?

Rhea: yup, hurry

I send a thumbs up emoji before tucking my phone back into my pocket. I take a deep breath and then stalk towards the security post. I listen patiently and I start to hear snores coming from the inside.

I take that as my cue to slip through the gate. Once I step out, I look back one more time before hurrying off, definitely feeling like a criminal. I try to block out all the memories associated with that feeling and focus on the destination.

Speaking of that...

Me: Where’s the place

Rhea: it’s not that far just stick to the path from the right. You’ll see the bright neon sign spelling out SliceMaster

Me: Cool, thanks

A shiver, partly due to the cold, runs through me as I head to the place.

***

For once I’m grateful for heat as I step into the warmth of the small, brightly lit restaurant. The heavenly smell of the baked pizza and pastries causes my stomach to rumble. I didn’t know I was this hungry.

“Oh hi Asher!” Ivy greets, spotting me first. I give her a nod and walk over to the table, taking a seat.

“Didn’t expect you to come to be honest,” Leo says, taking a sip of water. There are about six unopened boxes stacked at the side of the table, while there’s a half eaten one left open in the middle of the table.

“Explanations,” I say, reaching out to take a slice nevertheless.

“We were the 1000th customers so we got a free meal tonight,” Rhea explains.

“Lucky you guys, I guess.” Oh ok pizza does taste good.

I reach out to grab a bottle of water and in the process I accidentally push down a napkin Ivy was reaching for. I bend down to pick it up but she also does at the same time, causing my hand to graze against hers. I withdraw it immediately as if I just got shocked and apologise quickly.

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were gonna–” I start, my heart thudding in my chest erratically for some goddamn reason.

“It’s fine, I got it.” She gives me a smile and resumes eating.

Ugh, I feel like an idiot.

Besides the whole Ivy situation, I’m surprised at how smoothly the night goes. I feel really comfortable for most of the night and we actually hang out like it’s totally normal for us. At half past one, we decide to start heading back.

The night is fairly silent, save for the chirping of crickets and the occasional car that drives past, bathing the ground with their headlights.

We walk home in a somewhat comfortable silence until we get close to the entrance. Leo stops us, saying that the security men might have woken up and that he has to check to make sure. He says that he needs someone to be on the lookout and Rhea volunteers, leaving Ivy and I alone there.

Well this is awkward.

“Did you... enjoy the night?” she asks out of the blue and I blink, startled, as I turn to look at her.

“Uh sure. I don’t really...do crazy stuff like this.” I run a hand across the nape of my neck, not really meeting her eyes.

“You don’t say.” She feigns surprise with a gasp.

I let out a chuckle. “Leo’s rubbing off on you.”

“Not really.” She stares at me intently and although my heart is pounding hard against my chest, it’s like some mysterious force of nature draws my eyes to hers and we make eye contact. If possible, my heart thuds even harder against my chest.

“Coast is clear,” Leo whispers, causing me to jump, and we break our eye contact. “Come on, but be quiet.”

He gives us one last suspicious glance before walking off to the gate.

I feel ivy’s intense gaze on me but I don’t dare look back at her. We follow Leo through the small gate and I separate myself from the group immediately, heading straight to my dorm.

“Good night Asher!” I hear Ivy’s voice call out. I turn to face them.

“Night.”

They give me a short wave before they walk off together.

◑ ⁠◑⁠ ◑

Leo

“Jere can you help me with your phone?” I ask as I stalk around his room. He’s sitting at his desk quietly, going through some notes.

“Jere? Jeremy? The absolute fucking bestest friend in the wo–”

“Do you mind? I’m kind of studying here,” he says, his tone steely. “Maybe you should too, then you’ll know that the word bestest doesn’t fucking exist.”

My heart drops, not because he indirectly called me stupid but because I know he’s really mad at me.

“Hey, Jere...” I walk over to him, blocking the sunlight from reaching his table, successfully making him look up at me.

“Get out of the way.”

“Jeremy, come on, you can’t be possibly mad at me.” I try to reach out for his hair to ruffle it like always but he draws his head backwards, slapping my hand away a little too harshly.

“Ow."

“Oh so I’m not supposed to be mad at you, huh? You can just act stupid all day and I just tolerate it because of what?” He jaw visibly clenches and I gulp. I almost never see him this way.

“No, that’s not what I meant. I mean you’re never really mad at me...” I say, my voice growing quieter with each word.

His expression softens just a tiny bit.

“I’m sorry.”

He quirks an eyebrow at me.

“I’ve been acting really stupid these last weeks, I know. I’m sorry for getting into your car without your permission, driving it when I knew I couldn’t drive, hitting that girl, standing you up at the library, I don’t know... existing...”

He blinks. “What? Why would you apologise for existing?”

“Because I need to.”

“What? No you don’t.”

My heart clenches and I start to walk away but he gets up from his chair and drags me back, motioning for me to sit on the floor.

I look up at him. “I know I messed up, but respectfully, I am not a dog.”

He rolls his eyes and folds his arms, cocking a hip.

I sigh and find myself nestled on the floor, my back against his bed. He sits down next to me.

“I forgive you,” he starts. “I know you’ll do more stupid things in the future anyway but it’s fine, we’re fine. I don’t just understand what this is about apologizing for existing?”

“I know it’s hard to have me as a friend,” I explain, my voice strained. “It’s like you’re just keeping me around cause you have to–”

“Leo don’t make me mad right now.”

“Uh... isn’t that already too late?”

“No one can ever replace your spot in my life okay?” he says with no atom of unseriousness in his voice or expression. “I don’t manage you, I never want to stop being friends and you are very important to me okay? You’re my best friend and I love you.”

I grimace. “I love you too man but that sounded a little gay.”

He rolls his eyes, practically restraining himself from hitting me.

“Yeah, no shit. I’m gay.”

“How’s it going by the way?”

“Huh?”

“With Steven.”

“Oh...” a faint blush creeps up his cheeks. “I... it’s complicated.”

“Complicated?” I sit up right and turn to face him. “the hell does that mean?”

“He’s in my year, taking a class with me...”

My eyes widen and my jaw slacks. “For real?”

“Yeah...I tried to talk to him once but I overheard him making fun of me to his friends so I changed my mind.”

“Making fun of you about what?”

“Being gay. It’s not really hard to tell.”

“He did what?!” I get up immediately, feeling my chest bubbling with anger.

“Hey it’s fine. I don’t mind it.” He gets up and tries to pulls me back down. I yank my hand from his grip.

“It’s 2024 for fucks sake. It shouldn’t be fine.”

“That doesn’t matter Leo, people would always be homophobic.”

Nothing he says gets into my head as I storm out his dorm, my mind set on finding that bastard and giving him a piece of my mind.
He should pray I don’t find him before the end of the day.

***

Unluckily for him, I spot him walking past my direction later that afternoon. Good thing Jeremy gave up on trying to stop me because now all the anger that sizzled away is back in full force.

“Hey!” I call out as I push myself off the wall I’m leaning on.
He whips around and locks eyes with me instantly.

"Oh what’s up?"

“Don’t even. Why the fuck did you make comments about my friend’s sexuality?”

He looks taken aback for a moment before he suddenly bursts out laughing.

“Are you kidding me?”

“No not this time you dumbass.” My hands involuntarily move to his chest and I push him backwards. He stumbles slightly but regains his balance immediately. I want to slap that stupid smirk off his face.

“Dude you’re overreacting,” he says, brushing off the spot on his shirt I touched. “It’s just a stupid joke, chill.”

“It’s not just a stupid joke. Do you know how hard it is for someone to constantly feel like shit, like a freak just for who they are? That’s my best friend you’re talking shit about and I won’t let you talk shit about him.”

“Ok so what?”

“You’re gonna apologize to him and don’t fucking do it again.”

“Or else what? You cry to your mommy?”

That hits a nerve. And it makes me more mad than I expect to be. I suddenly can see only red, feel my blood literally boiling, pulsing through my veins.

Voices begin to scream in my head. I want to hit him, beat him up until he bleeds because I know I can...but I don’t. I'm not going to fight. Violence isn’t the answer. I'm not going to be like my dad. I can’t be like my dad...I can’t.

“Just fuck off, I don’t want to fight with you,” I mumble, my voice strangled.

“Hmm, yeah Jeremy would say something like that,” he remarks before walking off and my heart stops for a moment.

What the fuck does that mean?

◑ ⁠◑⁠ ◑

Jade

Soft sunlight filters down to the earth one Friday afternoon, and nature seems more alive than usual. I stroll across campus, heading to a restaurant to have lunch when I spot Leo and the rest sitting on or standing around a particular bench under a willow tree.

They’re chatting audibly between themselves and a strange feeling courses through me to see them all together. I didn’t expect them to still be hanging out like good friends. Maybe they’ll end up being even closer, who knows? And why does the thought of them ending up closer without me cause my heart to clench. Do I care about them? Do I want to be friends with them? Do I feel left out?

I take in a deep breath, gather lots of courage, try to keep my ego aside and head over to them, my brand new designer converses making a squeaking sound as they move across the pavement.

“Hey,” I call out and all their eyes lock unto mine in an instant. I try to keep my composure under their intense stares.

“Oh hi Jade,” Ivy says. I walk over to them.

“Hello,” I say to no one and everyone in particular. “I spotted you guys and just wondered what you were doing.” I shrug.

“Oh perfect timing,” Leo says. “we were about to play charades but I suck at the game honestly and we need two teams so now you’re here, I’ll be the score keeper.”

“Oh,” I say, wondering how I just got dragged to this. “Okay... I’m in.”

“Awesome!” Ivy says. “You’re in my team.”

I grin at her, blinking in surprise. “Sure. So how do we do it?"

“Leo would give a word to a teammate and the teammate would act it out for the other teammate to guess,” he says and I ignore the fact that he refers to himself in third person.

“Alright first one, Jade you’re up.” He comes over to me and whispers dance before leaving to take his seat. The word dance causes a shiver to run through me and a lasting bittersweet feeling lingers.

“Um... okay,” I say awkwardly but still position myself in front of an eager Ivy who’s staring at me with hope.

After a beat, I break out into at least five different dance moves. I do salsa, tango, a bit of hip hop, waltz and end the routine with a pirouette.

They startle me with a round of applause and even some passers-by too. My heart swells with pride and I can’t help but grin.

“Dance right?” Ivy clarifies, to the amusement of everyone.

“Yeah dance,” I say.

As I walk back to take a seat on the bench beside Ivy, Leo gives me a high five. “Smooth moves. You’re a natural.”

“Thanks,” I say with a chuckle. I try to pat down my hair that was mostly once in a neat bun but I give up at a point and focus on the game. No one cares anyway.

Next up is Asher and Rhea of course and Rhea decides to act. Leo whispers the word to her.

She signifies the category with her hands.

“Movie,” Asher says and she nods.

She makes a motion of taking something out of her back and dragging backwards to a point where she lets go and then drops her hands.

“Arrow?”

“No, but close, keep guessing.”

“Uh... Robin hood?”

“No!” She does the motion again for him and mimics a dying bird flapping his wings.

“Brave?”

“No... keep guessing!!”

“Uh...what the hell is this movie?! Lord of the rings?!”

“No! Goddamn it Asher!”

Ivy and I burst into a cackle as they yell at each other, seemingly frustrated.

“Ten seconds left...” Leo informs only adding to their frustration.

“Come on Ash you know this! Everyone does!”

She makes the motion again, more frantically this time.

“Avengers?! Hunger games?!”

“Yes! Yes!”

“Avengers?"

“No–”

“And time’s...up.”

“Oh the hunger games!”

“Oh now you get it...”

Rhea stalks back to the bench and slumps on it.

“One freaking movie!” she cries as Ivy stands up for her turn.

“That was so vague! An arrow motion? Really?”

“What did you need? An arrow bombing Katniss to death?!”

“That would’ve been preferable.”

I can’t help but chuckle.

Can you not ever laugh in the company of these people? Hanging out with them makes me forget about stuff, forget about who I am and what I am and what I want to be.
I don’t bother about the way I look because they don’t care and they never make me feel like I don’t belong. They’re such a unique set of people, all interesting and likeable in their own ways. I like them, I realise. And although they nearly killed me the other day, I don’t really care about it anymore.

I like hanging out with them and even though I won’t ever admit it openly, I hope we all keep hanging out as friends.

***

“Hey, is that The Notebook?” Ivy asks as I look through my small bag. We won the game because apparently Asher and Rhea are a terrible duo and all they do is crack us all up. We’ve all said our goodbyes and everyone is gone except for Ivy who decides to sit on the bench alone and scroll through her phone. I’m just about to head straight to the restaurant that brought me out in the first place.

“Hmm? Oh this?” I take the novel out of my bag.

She eyes are practically glowing. “You read Nickolas Sparks?”

“Oh I absolutely love his books. They’re so heartfelt.”

“They are omg, he’s my favourite romance author after John Green.”

“I love Looking for Alaska.”

“That’s my favourite of all time,” she gushes and somehow ends up following me to the restaurant, even ending up eating with me as we discuss our favourite romance novels.

My former friends never cared if I read romance novels.

They in fact used to call me a nerd for reading them and I started to hide them whenever they were around reading only in the peace and quiet of my room.

As Ivy and I converse enthusiastically about books, I can’t help but wonder if I’ve been living for the wrong audience for most of my life. Maybe Dana was right to hate me after I ditched her for my new friends because she was too weird and boring. My heart thuds in my chest as I begin to question whether it’s too late to change.

Is it too late?

I remember Dana’s disappointed face as she shook her head at me whenever she saw me walk with my new friends in the hallway. I think I’m starting to get it. Maybe she was right...
And maybe it’s too late to go back.

Or is it?