And I make light of the darkness
I've got sun in my motherfuckin' pocket
~•~

Rhea

My combat boots make contact with the slightly open door of my dorm room causing it to swing open inwards. I stumble to my partially made bed and slump against it with a sigh.

Why does the Arts building have to be so far from my dorm?

I lay there on the bed for a few minutes, my bones aching and head throbbing, before I decide to get up and be useful. I hate being idle.

Luckily, it's Friday so I'd have enough time to rest during the weekend. I get into the shower, dress into something comfortable then head to my drawer, rummaging through the contents in search of my packet of cigarettes.

The school doesn't condone it so I only smoke in private. I don't mind anyway because the times I usually want to smoke are the times when I'm alone.

I sit at the edge of my bed, thinking of what I could possibly do at the moment. I get lost watching the movement of the smoke flowing outwards before it diffuses everywhere, leaving the room with its acrid scent. Hopefully, my roommate doesn't get back soon.

I let out a sigh that more smoke accompanies, my mind drifting off to the thought that I'm doing so much better than I was the last few years.

Look at me.

A scholarship to study at a private university, some new friends, a healthy-ish mind and body...

Younger Rhea would be very happy to see me and the thought warms my heart. The heart that has been hardened from years of pain and trauma. I always try to put up this façade of being tough and cool but deep down I know I'm just a big softie. But that doesn't matter now. At least I don't have to pretend to be strong so I won't be seen as a victim.

My hand moves towards my bedside drawer and I find myself reaching out for the handle, immediately looking for a particular journal. The familiar thick, black, leather book catches my eye and despite all my restraint, I still end up grabbing it.

I place it on my lap and run my fingers through the smooth surface of the cover, some of its memories begin to flood into my head instantly. I can recall part of some and it dawns on me that I've actually forgotten some of them.

Not the darker ones though, I doubt I could ever erase them from my mind. Despite all the warnings I scream at myself, I find myself opening it, my heart pounding against my chest in the process.

Jan 15, Saturday
My body hurts and the burn injuries sting like a bitch. They're everywhere and sleeping on the floor just makes it hurt worse. I wonder if I'd die from the pain

Jan 25, Tuesday
I didn't know I could stay alive for this long without eating...although I need to find food soon or I'll really die

Feb 7, Monday
The streets are scary but I'm managing. I found a way to get food and water and my injuries are healing

March 3
Some guy found me and gave me a home. I'm so grateful for him. Now I don't have to worry about being beaten up for the food and money I barely have

May 5
Being a guy is so cool I wish I was one. I want to get tattoos and piercings and muscles

May 30
Daniel, my foster dad, he's so cool and kind but a little violent at times. I'm scared of him sometimes

Jun 5
I met a guy Jason. He's also homeless like me and he's nice. I think he likes me but I don't like him. I don't mind though, he's like my best friend and the only one my age I know, so it's nice to have him around
I've never liked boys, I don't know why
Although there was a girl

Jun 20
Jason is so smart and inspiring but I think he should learn to be quiet when talking about the gang

July 10
Jason pissed off the gang now they want to do something bad to him. I scared. I have to tell him to run away

July 11
They wanted to kill him! I'm glad he escaped. But now they're mad at me because they know it's my fault he escaped

July 12
I don't know what they want to do to me but I have to run away. I'm scared. I have no other home...

I shut the book immediately and I feel the tingle of a stray tear running down the side of my face, landing on the leather cover of the book. A shiver runs through me and I exhale. My stomach is in knots. I start to feel dizzy and I think I'm gonna be sick.

I take in deep breaths and let them out, tucking the book back into the drawer. I knew it was a mistake to open it.
All I ever want is a means to escape. I can't block it out forever but I can run away from the memories. I've tried smoking, drinking, drugs...

I had to stop taking drugs after I was hospitalised and I kind of stopped drinking much alcohol after I ran away but I've always been smoking. I know I can risk lung cancer but the chances aren't that high...plus I don't smoke that often.
I know they are all bad forms of escape so I've been trying more positive, harmless ways like music for one. It heals me and soothes my soul. It helps me a lot and that's why it's a major part of my life.

I wonder if I'll ever find more methods to escape the harsh reality of my world. Any thing could work, literally anything because although I have things like music to help me, the pain is so much more and I think I need so much more to numb it as well.

◑ ⁠◑⁠ ◑

Ivy

"What's the process of mitosis in cell division? I'm sure you've all treated this topic in your various high schools," Dr Lee, our bio professor asks.

A guy sitting by my left raises his hands alongside me and some other students but the professor calls on him to answer.

"Basically, chromosomes line up and then separate, causing the formation of two daughter cells."

Professor Lee cocks her head to the side. "Oh not really."
I raise my hand up again and she picks me, while the rest of the students turn to glue their eyes on to me.

"Yeah it isn't just a process," I say, partially to the guy and partially to the professor. "There are four stages after Interphase: prophase, where the chromosomes condense and the nuclear envelope breaks down. Then in metaphase, the chromosomes line up at the centre of the cell. In anaphase, the sister chromatids separate, and finally in telophase, the nuclear envelope reforms. And then we have the two daughter cells."

"That's correct.Thank you. And take note," she adds referring to the guy who answered first.

I look back at the professor as she begins to go through meiosis, explaining the concept herself this time.

I try to focus on the lecture but I can't help but overhear the murmurs coming from some people close to me. They're talking in hushed voices but I can overhear some of their words.

"Good thing she's smart. It totally makes up for her lack of an ass."

"For real, no guy's gonna notice that."

"No, guys she's gonna end up getting rich when she's like so old and then some gold digger finds her, gets married to her, and then steals all her money and runs away leaving her with nothing."

I recognise the voice of the guy who answered the mitosis question as he cackles silently with his friends.

I pretend not to notice but the comment irritates me, not because I feel insecure about my looks or anything but because they were straight up misogynistic.

I don't say anything about it then though to avoid disruption of the class but I make sure to give him a word when the class is over. I spot him chatting with his friends and I jog to catch up with them.

"Hey," I call out and he halts, looking back at me with a raised brow. "I overheard your cute comments about me in class today. It made me wonder, if looks matter so much to you then you aren't really helping your case."

His friends have to hold back their laughs as he scoffs at me, visibly turning red. I want to walk out but I give just one more comment before I leave. "Oh and then I'll say at least you have smarts but based on today's class, I don't think so."

The sounds of his friends laughter echo through the hallway of the science building as I walk out and I can't help but smirk at myself, satisfied.

I adjust my mini backpack on my shoulder as I step out into the bright afternoon light, heading straight to a cafe to get lunch. A late one as it's already four pm.

I'd admit that their comments made me think, but about something unrelated though. I've always been this nerdy, innocent little girl. It's a freaking stereotype I've always wanted to come out of. I don't mind being that at all, like I've said before. It's just that there are more sides to me than that. I more than that.

***

I'm sitting in the cafe, sipping a cup of now lukewarm coffee, while scrolling through my phone. I don't really like the taste of coffee but the caffeine helps keep my brain active so yeah...

The sunlight streaming from the window behind me reflects on the plain, thick silver ring on my index finger, drawing my eyes there momentarily. From a table just in that direction, I spot a little girl of about thirteen and her mom having a somewhat strained conversation.

"Drop that book Chloe, you're in a café. Must you read everywhere? If you put that much effort into looking like a girl I wouldn't have any issues with you. I mean, look at your hair, do you even brush it at all?"

My stomach twists into a knot at her words. The poor girl scowls and shuts her book, placing it at the side of the table.

"Good. Now try this on, your lips look too plain." She goes through her handbag and takes out a tube of pink lip gloss, handing it over to the girl who grimaces.

"No, thank you mom."

"Why not? You don't like this colour?"

"No, I just don't like lip gloss mom. Why don't you understand this?"

The mother looks taken aback and I'm so absorbed into their conversation that my phone is placed down on the table and my coffee is just sitting there.

"Why can't you just be a normal daughter for once?" she says with a sad sigh and then gets up. "I'm going to order something now. I'll be back."

The girl nods and looks back down at the table, blinking back tears of what I recognise to be frustration.

It's like I can see a similar scene playing out, one like the times when I was younger. The comments I got from my mom, whose mom was African born, weren't so different from these. It's just that they didn't mind me being studious and curious about everything but they definitely preferred me to be more lady-like in the sense of dressing and behaviour. I'd admit I've become less boyish than I used to be then but some things just wouldn't change.

I spot the mom who's busy at the counter ordering something so I take the chance to slip away from my seat, heading over quietly to the girl.

"Hey," I say as I slip into a seat next to her. She looks up at me, startled.

"Hi?"

"I know this is weird and all but I kinda overheard the conversation you had with your mom." I give her a sweet smile.

"Oh..."

"Yeah...I know it's not my business but I go through the same thing. Heck, who am I kidding, I still go through it till today. That's just how the world is, you can't change people but you can choose how you want to react to their actions and words. You probably feel like not doing some things makes you less of a girl but it doesn't. No matter what you do or how you dress or what you say or what you like... you're still a girl and a very powerful one at that because already having the courage to be openly different is beautiful and it shows strength. I'd probably never see you again but just want you to know that if no one around feels proud of you for being yourself, I would...and many other people will as well. Trust me."

She blinks back tears and stretches her arms out to give me a hug.

"Aww," I say and hug her back.

"Thanks."

"No problem." I look up ahead to see that her mom is starting to head back so I give her a short wave and hurry back to my seat.

I feel really good about the whole thing when I get back to my seat because I know I would've wanted someone to say that to me when I was her age. But it's fine. I decide to order some pastries to eat and after I do, I resume scrolling on my phone to while away time.

The door to the cafe opens suddenly and a guy walks through. I look up from my phone out of habit. For some reason, my heart skips a beat as Asher walks in, heading towards the counter, which is close to where I'm currently at. He runs a hand through his messy blonde hair as he walks and I try to look away from him and focus back on my phone but that's when he decides to look towards my direction and our eyes lock.

◑ ⁠◑⁠ ◑

Jade

Wow. I guess Ivy gave my phone number to Leo because I've somehow been transported into a new group chat with the five of us in it.

Leo sends a message to the group chat.

Leo: y'all wanna hang? I'm bored and Jeremy doesn't have my time
I stare at the message for a while, contemplating what I should do. Should I go?

Leo: Jade I can see you've read the message;)
Wanna hang? We could just stroll around campus and yap, my fav activity:)

Me: lol I forgot you could see that...
Um I mean sure wouldn't hurt

Leo: Leo sees all
And cool, let's wait for the others to respond

Me: kay

We wait a few more minutes until a speech bubble appears.

Rhea: totally in, gimme a few minutes
Leo: awesome, meet me at the central car park, Jade should know this place so well;)

I send a eye roll emoji.

Leo: too soon...got it

***

"We should hang out more at night," Rhea states as we stroll through campus under the large velvety canvas of the sky that is dotted with a few stars twinkling here and there. A lot of people are out and about, cars zoom past us at intervals, groups of friends, duos, lone persons walking around, filling the night air with the sound of their chatter and laughter.

"Agreed," Leo says as he tucks his hands into his jeans pockets.

I run my hand through my silky, brown hair, a motion I find myself doing often, except it's in a bun.

"At night," I begin, drawing their attention to me. "especially later, like midnight, people tend to let their guard down so they become really unhinged and honest which makes it exciting. So yeah agreed."

"Um... that makes me scared. Should I be scared?"

Rhea and I can't help but laugh. I let my guard down and let out one of my cackling laughs that usually comes when I least expect it.

I clamp my hand over my mouth, my eyes widening.

Rhea chuckles.

"I think that night magic is kinda working on you," Leo states, earning a laugh from Rhea.

"Shut up," I say with an eye roll, although my face is warming up in embarrassment.

Asher and Ivy haven't responded in the group chat yet and I can't help but wonder where they are. It feels incomplete without them. We walk in a semi - comfortable, partial silence for majority of the time with Leo and Rhea pointing out random stuff they notice around campus.

The long walk and the breath of air relaxes my mind in a way I don't expect. I end up feeling even more comfortable in their company as we converse easily between ourselves.

Rhea and Leo are in the middle of an argument about what type of coffee is the best when my mind slips away. I find myself back at age fifteen, in the hallway of my middle/highschool, trying to gather the courage to talk to one of the popular girls in highschool, who's in a grade above me.

"Hi Danielle, I love your shoes. Where did you get them?" I say to the tall, gorgeous highschool freshman who's busy at her locker.

"Thanks, they cost 200 dollars. And why do you care? It's not like you can afford it...or ever put them on."

Her friends, who are standing around her, burst into a round of laughter and I feel my face go hot.

"Girl you couldn't walk in these if you tried so forget about it," one of them says and I turn around quickly, so they won't see the tears shimmering in my eyes, and hurry off.

You're too rough
You're too boyish
Dress like a lady
No guy is going to like you
Try a little makeup, your face is hideous
My friend's daughter won a pageant! And you're here acting like my second son

"Don't listen to any of that Jade," Dana tells me. "who cares what they think? You're awesome the way you are."

I care about what they think...

"I guess," I reply. "But we could be part of the cool kids for once, actually get some attention."

"Is that what you care about? Attention from people who don't even matter?"

"But they matter..."

She shakes her head in front of me. "I can't believe you right now Jade."

That was the same look she'd give me anytime I walk past her in the hallway with my new friends and personality. It felt so good then sitting with the cool kids, getting all the attention from the guys, being envied. Finally I mattered. I was doing something right for once.

But months later, I started to feel lost, I missed Dana and I kept asking myself if I'd made the right decision. I was really losing myself, I didn't remember who I was again but I was in so deep that I didn't bother to look back again anymore. Some days though, days like these, I crave the authenticity of a genuine friendship, something more than status and appearance that wasn't even for myself but for others.

We meet Asher and Ivy at a point on our walk. It seems like they're walking together but when they meet up with us, they disperse. I find it strange that they were both not available at the same time, which makes me think they hung out together but I don't ask. I don't really care anyway.

"I got your message too late," Ivy cries and she meets us, giving us individual hugs. Such a sweet girl. "Asher met me in a café and we hung out for some time. What did you guys do?"

"Someone's got FOMO," Leo points out and Ivy swats him on the arm.

"No I don't. I'm just curious."

"Nothing really, just strolled through campus," Rhea tells her as she tugs on a strand of her hair, a portion that's dyed purple.

"I see," Asher says with his quiet, husky voice, drawing our attention to him. "Are we still doing it, or is it too late?"

"Actually, I need to go somewhere now. I forgot to grab my training kit from the sports building earlier today after practice. So see ya! We'll all hang out soon, promise."

Asher nods.

"Oh can I tag along?" Ivy asks, her eyes gleaming.

"Uh...it's a bit far-"

"Then you'll carry me when I get tired. Let's go."

Leo's eyes widen but he sets off with her nevertheless after they wave us goodbye.

Asher looks away quickly.

Rhea meets his eyes and gestures to the other side with her head. He walks off with her without a word, leaving me there alone.

I feel a bit like an outcast and I'm not sure if I deserve to feel that way because I was acting a bit snobbish to the group before. I guess I do deserve it but I hope I get to feel among as time progresses.

As I walk back to my dorm room, I make up my mind to start embracing more genuine connections but I can't just give up my online persona just yet. I mean, it doesn't do much harm anyway.

I decide to open my phone and check for messages and other notifications when a particular email catches my eyes and my heart flips.