I change so much that I lose track
Why should I be someone else?
~•~

Leo

The first day of lectures goes by in a blur. I have a nine am class in the morning and a one pm class later. It's mostly introductions and all that stuff for most of the duration of the class and I was bored out of my mind. It got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore so I had to leave.

I would probably have to take my studies seriously at a point but for today, I'm not really feeling the academic vibe. I just want to get out of the environment.

Unfortunately, I can't because I have to meet with my football team later this afternoon so we can do introductions and get our scheduling and everything.

Jeremy's supposed to ditch today with me but he takes his studies and his life seriously unlike me. Plus, he's studying medicine and it's a course you shouldn't mess around with. Sometimes I feel like I'm dragging him down, that he doesn't really see me as a good friend. I feel like maybe he only keeps me around because he pities me, or maybe because we've been best friends for so long and splitting wouldn't just make sense.

I never want to stop being friends with him. He always cares about me and makes sure I'm not doing something stupid at all times, always tolerates my stupidity when I do something stupid, he always tries to take my side even when he knows I've done something wrong although he advises me on it later. He's a really special person, a type of friend I'll never find again and I don't want to lose him.

He's a bit ticked off at my behaviour the past week: hitting Jade with his car... driving his car, standing him up at the library...but knowing Jere, he'll forgive me soon.

I stop strolling along a lonely path and check my phone for the time. I have about thirty minutes before the sports meeting starts and knowing how important this scholarship is to me, I decide that I'm not going to mess about with it. I practically run to the place.

***

The introductions go smoothly and in no time we've got our practice dates and time, discussed our upcoming games and events, done a few team-bonding activities as well that ended up being kind of fun, we picked out our team captain, who we might change as time goes on and we see the performance of each player, met our coach and warmed up to him, and most importantly discussed our strategies and goals ultimately for the year.

The guys are chatting about something I don't really care about and although I want to join in the fun convo and feel apart of the team, I don't really feel it. I feel so disconnected today, not just in my academics and the sports team but in general. Like I'm temporarily detached from life or something. It's a rare feeling and it scares me. I just want to leave, and be alone.

My teammates converse more excitedly about the school year and the past years, recalling their past performances. They share some funny stories of people messing up in terrible ways and I find myself laughing at one story where a guy scored for the other team. My voice sounds hollow though and that's when I know that I have to leave.

I slip out unnoticed and immediately begin to head somewhere that I've been meaning to go ever since the first day. I walk across campus, silent and alone. My hands are tucked into the pockets of my cargo pants as I stalk through the place, lost in thought.

A few people I know greet me as I walk past them. I can only give them a nod, a smile or a short wave and the concerned looks on their faces only makes me feel worse. I hate feeling this way...

I pass by the student union building next and start to head straight to the dorms. Jere's dorm specifically. Johnson hall. Instead of heading to his room, I take the stairs and climb to the top floor, exiting to the rooftop without hesitation.

I let out a gasp at the sight from up there. The rooftop gives a paranormal view of the campus and it looks so beautiful from up here. It's late afternoon and the sun spreads its golden orange colour around the earth, causing it to glow. I can see other rooftops, tops of trees, cars, small shops, cafés, and the tiny little people walking to and fro below. I see a part of the area outside the school premises, other parts of Portland. I'd like to go out there someday at night.

The edge of the rooftop catches my eye and I find myself drawn to it. I take slow, short steps towards and each step I take causes my heart to pound harder against my chest.

What am I doing?

When I get to the very edge, a shiver runs through me and I tremble as a small wind flies past. I kick a leg outwards and am about to take another step when I hear a sound behind me.

"What the fuck are you doing? Stop!" I freeze and a stronger breeze from somewhere catches me off guard, causing my light frame to lose balance, making me fall to the floor, my chest heaving.

The familiar voice calls out my name and the owner walks over to me. As they stare down at me, they regard me with kind, concerned yet confused eyes.

Those pretty eyes.

"Ivy?" I stutter and scramble up.

"Yeah? What were you doing?"

I look back at the edge and turn back to face her, running my hand across the nape of my neck. "Oh... that..."

She raises a brow at me.

"Were you going to jump?" She drags me further away from the edge.

"Um, no, maybe...yeah?"

She stares at me incredulously. "Why?" I catch the slight tremble in her voice.

"It's nothing. I'm joking. That's not even the most important question to ask right now."

She scoffs. "And what is?"

"Why are you here? And how did you get here?"

She looks startled, as if not expecting the question and then her cheeks start to develop this faint tint of pink.

"I... followed you here."

◑ ◑ ◑

Ivy

"What the fuck are you doing? Stop!" I cry at Leo as he's about to take another step.

Is he out of his mind?

I successfully get him off the edge of the dorm building roof and we start to converse a bit before he asks me a very valid question.

"I... followed you here."

He raises a brow at me and lets out a chuckle. "What the hell, why?"

"I don't know," I reply honestly. "I saw you... you were looking sad, acting different. And you were walking like you were heading somewhere interesting."

I cringe at how dumb I sound. He only laughs.

"So you stalk your friends?"

"Shut up, I wasn't stalking. I was looking out for you."

"You don't have to do that. You are out of your mind for following me up here," he says a bit harshly and I frown.

"I didn't mean it like...I meant you could have just stopped me on the way if you wanted to see me."

"It's fine, I get it." I stare into his eyes and notice something strange. I know I haven't known him for long but we did hang out during the weekend and all the time I've known him, he's always laughing, saying or doing something stupid.

There's this sparkle that used to be in his eyes then but now it's replaced by something else.

He takes a seat close to the edge and crosses his legs as he drinks in the view. I take a few moments to stare as the sun begins to dip below the horizon.

Ah, one of my favourite times of the day.

I walk over and sit next to him, crossing my legs just like he did. He glances at me cautiously as if confused by my presence and then looks away.

"Hi," he says, still staring ahead.

"What's up?" I have to ask.

I'd admit I was a bit stalkerish today as I followed him around. It all started when I saw him walk out of a sports building. I was just walking back from my last lecture of the day when I spotted him. He looked, like I said, down in the dumps and I know I don't know him like that but I felt like maybe I should check to see if he was okay.

Like he said, I should've just called out for him instead of following him around like a kidnapper but I couldn't help it, I wanted to see where he was going.

"It's nothing. Just...one of those days."

I quirk an eyebrow.

"Oh that explains a lot."

He laughs. "I guess." He runs his hand through his short, dark curls and as he does it, I notice the tiny, black, stud earring in his ear, gleaming in the dim light of the evening.

"It's just...I don't know if you know that feeling of not... knowing yourself, not knowing who you are anymore." I listen quietly. "Like you think you know yourself, you know what you're doing but you don't really do..."

"I won't say I completely relate but I definitely understand. It's normal to not know who you are or who you wanna be yet -"

"No, no, no, this is different. It's not really about finding who you are but more of... losing yourself."

"Losing yourself to what? To who?"

"Forget about it. It's stupid."

"Feelings are never stupid Leo."

He gives a sad smile.

"Isn't the sunset so beautiful?"

I look up at him instead of the sunset.

"It is..."

"You know, I love how the colours arrive and then fade away, it's like the significance of some of the good things you have in your life. They come for a little while, they make you happy, they're absolutely beautiful and wonderful...and then they leave, they fade away..."

"Do they come back the next day?"

He smirks, catching my logic.

"Maybe...it all depends. Maybe something so intense happened and they blew up, causing the world around them to fall into darkness, never to see their beauty again."

"Wow," I say with a breathy chuckle. "that was really poetic." I leave out the fact that it was also a bit too specific... just in a way I don't understand. I don't pry though.

"But you know," I say as I lay down on the floor. "everything is temporary..."

"True that. But at least some things stay a bit longer."

I smile. I love seeing this side of him. Who knew behind all that unseriousness was hidden this poetic, vulnerable side? I wonder why he's showing it to me, though. Maybe he just wants to talk to someone about it and I offered to listen.

I think of our other encounters. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a spark between us. We get along so easily, he's funny, cute, now I'm discovering that he has this beautiful side of him... I know it's too soon but I wish we ended up being more than just friends.

For someone like Leo, this isn't a side of him I'm sure I'd see often and I'm happy I get to see it. Hopefully, he'll let me see more sides of him. I'd love for him to stick around.

◑ ◑⁠ ◑

Rhea

I step out of my room, desperately looking for a way to escape the chaos of my mind. I've been slipping into thoughts I don't like to go to and it gets to a point I can't handle it anymore. I need to get out.

I grab my leather jacket, knowing outside would be cold, and step out of my dorm room, moving with determination like I have a destination in mind.

I just need to step out into the cold night air and take a breather, calm my nerves, maybe listen to music.

The soft tunes from Gracie Abrams playing from my headphones do something to drag me out of my thoughts. I stroll through campus, relishing the dazzling beauty of the night. Everything is truly more beautiful at night.

Just look at the bright glowing lights of the lamps and the few cars driving past. The quiet beauty of the night. It's so perfect.

I hear a familiar laugh and whip around to spot Leo sitting on a bench under a willow tree. He's dressed casually, as if the cold doesn't bother him. Someone else is sitting by him and I can tell they're in the middle of a conversation.

From the person's smallish shadow and long dark braids, I can tell it's Ivy, the girl we hung out with the other day at the café.

I knew I felt something going on between them ever since they walked into the café and seeing them together here at night just confirms it more. They seem happy as they banter quietly with each other, occasionally whispering between themselves and giving subtle touches.

Although I really want to talk to someone and they're one of the only people I know besides my roommate, a quiet, nerdy girl, I shouldn't bother them.

I turn around and decide to keep strolling around campus but that's when I hear my name.

"Rhea!"

I turn around to see that Ivy's waving at me. I smile and jog over to them.

"Hi Rhea," Leo tells me and I give him a short wave. "Wanna sit?"

I take a seat next to Ivy and slip on my jacket as a strong wind flies by, causing the tree above us to whisper softly as the leaves rustle. A random guy walks past us and disappears into a corner.

"So what's up? Didn't expect to see you walking around here," Leo comments, running a hand along his upper arm.

"Oh," I say, shutting off my music through my headphones. "I just needed to get out."

He nods and runs a hand through his hair. His eyes are droopy and he hasn't even cracked a smile since I saw him.

"What's up? You okay?"

"He's... just down," Ivy answers. "Strange seeing him that way right?"

I chuckle. "Oh definitely. Any reason?"

Leo shakes his head quickly, letting out a sigh. "Not really."

"Don't you want cheering up?" Ivy asks.

"No, Ivy. For the last time I don't want to watch people dance!"

I can't help but laugh. "She wants you to watch people dance?"

"It's fun!" Ivy cries exasperatedly.

"Unless people are tripping and forgetting their dance moves there's nothing fun there to see."

That causes us to laugh.

Hey that's Leo right there.

"How 'bout we sneak out?"

Leo perks up immediately, looking at me. His grey eyes glow in the darkness. "I'm listening."

"Wanna grab pizza?" I ask.

"Wait wait wait, you're saying we should sneak out of school?" Ivy tries to clarify.

I nod. "Yeah, why not? It's fun, plus I'm starving."

"Deal, let's go," Leo says immediately and I smirk, getting up from the bench. He follows suit and we start to head to the entrance of the school despite all Ivy's protests and advice on the school code of conduct.

"We can't leave the school after eleven and it's midnight!"

"Relax princess, we'll be fine," Leo says, leading us to the gate.

***

"The small gate is always open but you have to take permission to pass," Leo explains.

"But we-"

"Only for emergencies past curfew. But we don't need to ask. The security guards are probably sleeping or something so all we have to do is be stealthy."

"I give up," she says, folding her arms in defeat.

"That's my girl."

He was right. All we had to do was be quiet and extra careful. I could hear the snores of the security men as we slipped through the small gate and ran off.

"Leo stop!" I hiss once we've gone a good distance from the school.

He tries to halt but his momentum is too much and as a result he ends up tripping on the way and rolling to the ground.

"Fuck."

Ivy and I stand there, trying to hold back our laughs while Leo lays on the ground, his chest heaving.

“Come on, let’s go,” Ivy says, walking over to help him up.

“I know a good pizza place nearby,” Leo tells us as we walk on, our footsteps making a steady rhythmic thud as we move along the pavement.

“Of course you do,” Ivy says.

Leo begins to hum a song and before we know it Ivy and I join in, so we end up humming to Sabrina’s Espresso all the way to the pizza place.

The temperature of the night has dropped and my arms are wrapped around me tightly. Ivy is in a large dark hoodie so I get she's a bit warm. Leo still doesn't seem bothered by it.

"Finally!" Ivy sighs as we spot the glowing neon sign that spells out SliceMaster right across the top.

We walk towards the shop and step in and immediately we do, some celebration song starts to blare everywhere inside the pizza shop. Next thing we know, streamers are flying down from the ceiling and some workers rush over to us congratulating one of us on being the 1000th customer they've had.

They offer us a free meal for the night and give us free coupons learning we all came together.

"Well, this is nice," Ivy comments with a laugh as we take our seats at a free table.

"I didn't know they still did this stuff to be honest," Leo says. "But hey free pizza tonight!"

We order ten boxes of pizza and start to dig in when my phone pings in my pocket.

I take it out to see a text from Asher.

Ash: you haven't sent the playlist yet

I reply immediately.

Me: oh yeah shit, I'll do that right now

Ash: you were gonna send it like half an hour ago

Me: I forgot, I'm hanging with Leo

Ash: of course

Me: we're at a pizza place

Ash: oh nice

Me: yeah, outside of school

Ash: wait what? How?

Me: yeah we snuck out

Ash: The fuck? Why?!!

Me: Why not?:) you should come

Ash: No fucking way. Leo's gonna get you into trouble one day

Me: Relax, it's fine. It was my idea. Even Ivy isn't too bothered

Ash: Ivy? She's there?

Me: Yup. It's fun to be honest. We got free pizza

Ash: Ok

Me: So you coming?

Ash:Uh...maybe