j a i m e e

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TRIGGER WARNING: smut

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The pounding on my door is the only sound I wake up too. My bed feels awfully cold without Shayden but I get up, rushing to my door before the sound starts waking up everyone else.

"What the f-Libbie?" My eyes widen as the pink haired girl stands in front of me. Her blue eyes are rimmed red, as if she's been crying excessively.

I haven't seen her since that day in the diner, where Taylor blew up and she stayed entirely silent.

"Jai," Her voice is thick with emotion, cracking as my name manages to make it past her lips. She's shaking, my throat clogs up. "He tried to do it to me too."

Everything stops. Out of everything she could've said, everything that I was expecting, it wasn't that. It never would've been that.

I open my arms and she doesn't even hesitate to rush into them, winding her arms around my entire body as she breaks down. Desperate and desolate sobs cause her small body to shake, her breathing becoming worryingly uneven as her despair completely takes over her body.

"Libb," I whisper, running my fingers through her hair. "Libb? Speak to me. What d'you mean?"

Please don't be what I think. Please tell me he didn't hurt you too.

We walk over to my couch. She sits down next to me as I try to sooth her.

"It's okay, shush. You're safe, I'm not leaving." Trying, and failing, to stop my voice from cracking, I try to gain control over my own senses as she continues to cry.

"I'm so sorry, Jai. This is all my fault. I should've told you or..or-" She cuts herself off, hiding her face in her hands. "Cameron...he..."

"It's okay. Hey, I've got you. It's okay, Libb." She falls into me, leaning her head on my shoulder as I mumble short encouragement to her.

"On the last day of Senior Year, at that party. Cameron kept trying to get me upstairs. I kept saying no, I did Jai I swear. But he kept pushing and I just felt so sick and tired. Like I had no control, I was just going to pass out." She sniffles. I feel sick to my stomach as she describes exactly how I felt. "I just thought he was trying to help me. But I remember him being on top of me and touching everywhere and I was begging him to stop. Before he managed to..." She cuts herself off, biting on her hand to stop another cry. "Taylor walked in with some girl and I managed to run out before he could stop me. He just thought we were hooking up."

"I'm so sorry that happened to you, Libb." My words come out softly, tears rolling down my face. I was at that party too. I could've stopped him getting her.

"No one..." She inhales, lifting her head up off my shoulder to look me dead in the eye. "No one walked in for you, did they?"

Shaking my head, my eyes flutter shut to try and I attempt to contain the tears streaming down my face.

"I would've believed you, Jai." She whispers, "You're my sister, my best friend. I'm sorry that you felt like you couldn't tell me, I'm sorry you've gone through all this alone and I never noticed or gathered the courage to ask."

She has no reason to apologize. I didn't realize either. She'd been taken advantage of months before my own experience and I never even realized.

"I thought I was exaggerating it because I was drunk, you know? It was Cameron...He was too nice, too wholesome to have done something like that."

"No, Libbie, he wasn't. Because if he was a nice person, if he was as good as everyone makes him out to be, he wouldn't have hurt us." I say with the utmost conviction. We didn't deserve what he did, and if he was a decent person he definitely wouldn't have taken advantage of us. "Have you told Taylor?"

She shakes her head, "After how he reacted with you, I couldn't bring myself to tell him. You've got your medical records, that's what you said, right? He didn't...He didn't rape me, so all I have is my word."

"He shouldn't have needed me to tell him I have proof. He should've believed me the moment I said it." Shayden's reaction runs through my mind.

It seems like our minds go to a similar point, "How did Shayden react when you told him?"

"I didn't tell him. He asked me and I couldn't hide it anymore. I freaked out a few times, I guess he realized." I attempt to shrug casually but one part of my fucked up mind is fuming at myself for letting him find out.

"He's a good man."

"The very best." I agree, "I don't know how I ever thought I could live without him."

Libbie smiles sadly, "How do you cope with it, Jai? He didn't even...with me and it still hurts. I never thought anyone would believe me because I sleep about, you know? But it just makes things easier."

"One thing that Shayden has taught me is that trauma affects everyone differently and it doesn't matter how 'severe' you rank whatever it is that happened. If it hurts you, it matters. Just as much as anyone else's. And everyone copes in different ways but I can promise you that I didn't start to heal until Shayden stood beside me."

"I just think about how I could've done things differently. I could've worn something else or stayed sober or just not gone. But what if he got someone else or what if-"

"You need to learn how to forgive yourself for what you blame yourself for." I cut her off, "I've spent years analyzing every single thing that happened that night, fighting against everything people have told me. There isn't any point in fighting it anymore- what happened, happened. And it isn't going away no matter how much we ignore it or blame ourselves. You've got to find a way of accepting that it happened, all of it. The only thing that could've changed what happened was him. And you need to be brave enough to keep living and not just surviving, because he took enough away from us when he assaulted us without us giving him the power to do that too."

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"Mamita, how are you doin'?" Tory takes a seat in front of me, his voice coming out muffled considering his mouth was full with god knows what. I was waiting for Shayden to get back to his apartment when Tory showed up baring gifts.

Those gifts, specifically, were chocolate.

"I'm okay, I guess." I reply, shrugging. "It's been a weird few weeks."

He eyes me knowingly, "You want to talk about it? Shay's been shouting at everyone for the past week now."

"We're not speaking to Taylor." The sigh I release only captures his attention more. "He found out that his best friend had been in Prison for a while for raping someone, and he defended him."

Tory just nods his head, pursing his lips as if he's deep in thought. Eventually, he seems to snap out of his trace and our eyes connect once again. "Do you want me to hit him?"

"Why would I want you to hit him?" I laugh, shaking my head as it's just such a Tory thing to say. "He's entitled to his own opinion. Freedom of speech exists for a reason."

"Freedom of speech means the Government can't imprison him for what he says, not that I can't tell him he's a dick."

A smile embraces my lips softly at his words as I stare at my interlocked fingers in my lap. It was affecting Shayden badly and we'd tried to avoid discussing the extent of our feelings. At the end of the day, Taylor is and always will be family to us. My mind has been running around in circles, the bags under my eyes seeming awfully permanent during this time.

Libbie's confession earlier this morning made me feel all sorts of ways. I wanted to talk to Shayden about it but I knew I couldn't. This was Libbie's and I'd never betray her confidence like that.

Tory holds his arms open and I melt into them naturally, circling my arms around his waist as I relaxed into his hold. I'd only known him for a few months but he already felt like family.

His chin rubs across my head as he leans down and places a kiss to my temple, mumbling. "How couldn't he believe you?"

My body freezes, tensing up in his arms as I catch the rhetorical question.

"Jai-"

"Who told you?" I snap, pulling away from him. No matter what, I know it isn't Tory's fault but this was mine, no one else had the right to share anything about me that I wasn't comfortable with. "Was it Shay?"

"No, Princess." He sends me a tight-lipped smile, "It's obvious."

My hands move to cover my face naturally and I still pray he's got the end of the stick, that he thinks it's something entirely different. "What's obvious, Tory?"

I hear him gulp, "That you've been hurt."

The denial sits tight on my tongue and I bite it away, stopping myself from lying. Instead, I suck up the fact that he knows and directs the subject slightly away from me. "Taylor didn't react well."

"He's a dick then. You deserve better friends."

"You know that Taylor's family to me, T." I just say softly, "I've known him my entire life and considered him my brother for years. I can barely cope with his reaction, nevermind how Shay must be feeling. It's killing him."

"Shayden's not a kid, you don't need to worry about him. He can deal with it himself and he's grown enough to decide what's best for him and his family."

"Yeah but-"

The front door opens, interrupting me as Shayden strolls through.

Tory grins, leaning down and kissing my forehead. He mumbles, "See you soon, doll. Keep fighting." in my ear before clapping Shayden's back, walking out and leaving us alone.

Noticing the red glimmer in his eyes, I frown. "Are you okay?"

"Can we go to bed?" He asks softly, the smile on his face lazy in a way that told me of how tired he was.

"Of course, my love." Grabbing his hand, I pull us into his room. I help him take off his button up and change into a pair of sweatpants before we lay down next to each other.

Shayden rested his hand on my hip momentarily, pulling me close. I let out a soft sound, pulling back to kiss over the corner of his mouth and down to his jaw.

My breathing quickens as our lips mold together, my fingers tangling in his curls as I tugged our faces closer together. Shayden's hands moved down to my thigh, tugging my leg up so it was over his hips as I wrapped my arms around his neck, tilting my head to deepen our kiss.

Something in my mind flickers and I pull myself away, ignoring the pulsing sensation in my lower region as I try to get my breath back.

"Shay..." I whisper, reminding myself that he's him who's here. Kissing me and holding me and keeping me close to him.

Shayden. My Shayden.

He lets out a shaky breath as his hand squeezes my waist. He pulls his lips away from my neck for a split second.

"I want to try something, baby."

This catches my attention, my eyes widening.

"Shay?" I don't mean to sound so hopeful as his name slips past my lips but I can't help it.

"Jai, I need you to look at me." He says, pulling away from me.

I do as he says as our eyes lock. His lips are swollen and bruised, and I know that if I look down at my neck it'll look the exact same. He's so beautiful, a part of me wished I had my phone so I could take a picture of him.

He shuffles back so we're not touching and my eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Shay?"

"I need to say this while you're not touching me so you make the right decision."

I nod my head eagerly but still don't understand what he means.

"I'm not going to have sex with you today." He clarifies, to which I nod at. "But...If you want to try something more then we can. So your brain can stop associating sex with him. I want to make you feel good, baby."

I watch him for a few moments, completely amazed that this man even exists.

"I don't want to rush into anything or make you feel uncomfortable." He says sternly, "So if you want to or don't want to, that's okay. You're completely in control, Mendoza. And you've got to tell me if you feel uncomfortable at any time, okay?"

"I want to try," I say before I can stop myself, "I trust you with everything. I know you won't hurt me. Thank you for asking me."

"Jai, I'm not him. Okay? I love you and I care about you so just remember that. You can tell me to stop. You can push me away anytime. Hit me, kick me- I don't care. I'm not him, I will stop."

"I trust you."

His eyes soften at that and he leans over to plant a short kiss on my lips. One of his hands finds my thigh, trailing up and down until goosebumps arise on my legs. I run my fingers through his hair, knowing that deep down it's his weak point. I can practically hear my heart beat out of my chest and I try to relax, wanting to move forward with Shay but not being entirely sure of how my body will react. For so long, all association with sex has been such a negative and painful connotation. I need to remember how amazing Shayden and I were together.

As strange as it sounds, this hesitance and care that he's showing reminds me awfully of the first time we made love to each other. We were both virgins and had no idea what to do, and I genuinely believe we were both so concerned with the other being ready that we never really thought about ourselves.

He knelt between my thighs and spread them open. His black eyes flicker back up to mine, searching for any fear or hesitance as he pulls my shorts and thong off. I smile encouragingly at him, knowing whole-heartedly that Shayden was the only person in the world I'd be able to do this with. His long fingers stroked the inside of my thighs and I squirmed, feeling his breath tickle as his lips brushed over the soft skin on my thighs, the tip of his tongue teasing me with each touch of his mouth. Desperately, I fought the urge to clench my thighs shut just to feel some pressure.

I forgot I could feel like this.

"Fuck." My voice cracked on stuttered breath, my mind unable to find any other words to describe this feeling.

I stifled a moan as he touched his tongue to the slick warmth between my legs, my eyes staying locked on him as he worked between my legs. His lips soft and warm, tongue sweeping deep within my folds just as if he was kissing my mouth. He rubs his nose against my clit, making me whine and lose myself in all the emotions running through me. Fuck, I forgot how good he was at this.

"Shay. God." I barely got out between pants.

I feel him smirk against me, swirling his tongue in and out of me as his fingers rub circles into my clit at the same time. He used his other hand to lift my leg up so they're over his shoulders, diving deeper as our body's somehow became closer. My legs trembled as my orgasm started to coil tightly in my belly, the heat within me spreading out like a wildflower- feral and insatiable and so, so thankful that a God like Shayden Nkosi exists.

"Close." I pant, "Shay, I'm close."

My words just spur him on further, his tongue sucking and kissing and licking every part of me before eventually taking my clit into his mouth until I cum.

I breathe, my legs shaking from the aftershocks of my orgasm. Shayden pulled himself up, jaw dropping open when he saw tears streaming down my cheeks.

"Jai, I'm so sorry-"

"No." I cut him off immediately, running a hand over his cheek. "You're so good to me. I'm so lucky to have you. I...Thank you." My voice breaks as my emotions overtake me. He crawls up to lay beside me, kissing the tears from my cheeks before going back to my lips, letting me taste myself on his lips. He twirled my hair around one of his fingers and pulled it, making me gasp as his tongue divided into my mouth.

"Don't go all soft on me now, Mendoza." He whispered, fingers tracing circles onto my thighs. "I love you."

"I love you too." I say back instantly, wrapping my arms around him. "My life is so much better with you in it."

"Never leave me again." He mutters into my shoulder, holding me just as tightly as I'm holding him. "I can't live without you."