j a i m e e

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Laying in Shayden's bed together, Youtube videos are on replay on his TV as I rest my head on his chest, drawing circles onto his open skin.

Since last night, we'd just held each other. Baking and relaxing in each other's warmth. It still felt so surreal that I had a love so unconditional- a fiancé that I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

We're giggling at one of the vines when Tory walked into the room followed by Taylor.

Our bodies tense in unison, I go to stand up with every intention of leaving when Shayden grips my hand and shakes his head at me.

Tory seeming to notice the awkward tension, grabs the bottle of tequila next to Shay's bed and walks straight back out.

It's literally 10am.

I haven't seen Taylor since that day in the diner, when he freaked out about Cameron. Seeing him now causes anxiety to course through my veins.

"Ward," Shayden starts off, a warning prevalent in his tone. "You have 60 seconds to tell me what the fuck you want before I throw you out."

"Are you not even going to hear me out?" Taylor's forehead furrows, seemingly baffled by his best friend's attitude. "What happened to bros before hoes?"

"Your time's ticking." He says, rubbing circles into the palm of my hand. "And if you refer to my fiancée as a hoe one more time, you'll end up in the ER with a broken nose."

Butterflies erupt in my stomach at being referred to as Shayden's fiancée. If Taylor's surprised by the news, he doesn't show it.

"Look, I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. I'm sorry." Taylor looks directly at me, "Cameron and I...There was a time when we were more than just friends. And we never told you because I didn't want anyone knowing about me. So when I found out about..." He pauses, swallowing the lump in his throat. "When I found out about the rape, I found it hard to get my head around him possibly doing something like that. But I should've believed you instantly. I'm a shitty friend and I understand that you'll never forgive me but I needed to apologize, nothing I said was fair on either of you."

"What about Libbie?" I ask, considering the fact that Taylor was so obviously into her too.

"I'm pansexual. Known since I was about 10. Because of Cam." He replies stiffly.

Shayden kisses the side of my head softly as I sit and think in silence. Taylor's words were unforgivable, but he's been my brother since we were 13. I love him on the same scale as Remi, which is why his words hurt so much.

My head's battered. Having to deal with all these emotions so early in the morning is almost unbearable, making me understand why Tory was so enthusiastic to steal Shayden's tequila.

He better have saved some for me.

"Cameron took a lot from me, Tay." I finally stomach the guts to speak, but I can't help the way everything in me hurts as I say the words aloud. "He took and ruined so many parts of myself that I can't even stomach looking at pictures of him from when we were kids. He destroyed my trust, he made me overthink every single thing any boy or man has ever said to me. He made me scared to leave my house, made me scared to tell anyone. And I'll never understand it, but I've learnt to come to terms with the fact I'll never know why he did that to me. But all I know is that, I'll never forgive you for what you said about me and I'll never forget it either. You're my brother and we swore unconditional loyalty to one another once we started using that term to describe one another."

Our eyes meet then, and seeing the tears in his eyes just make mine fall faster.

"He took a lot away from me the night he raped me. I don't want to lose you too." Exhaling, my hand shoots up and wraps around Shay's, which is resting on my waist. "But know this, if you stick with me then Cameron needs to go. No defending him, no pictures of him near me, I don't even want to hear his name. It's taken me four years to realize that, no matter what I did that night, nothing was my fault. I didn't deserve what he did to me and I definitely don't deserve to be reminded or taunted about it."

"He's gone." Taylor rushes instantly, "I promise, Jai. Never again. I don't want to lose any of you."

Turning to Shayden, who had stayed entirely silent since we started talking, I nudged him to try and get him to speak.

"If you ever say anything remotely like that again, T, we're done. No remakes, no forgiveness, nothing. You hurt her and that's it." He left no room for any argument with his words, and I caught myself wondering how I could ever exist without him.

The room door swings open then and Tory stumbles in with 4 shot glasses and the now half empty bottle. He puts the shot glasses on Shayden's cabinet and starts to fill them up.

"What?" He mumbles when he catches Shayden glaring at him with a cocked eyebrow. "I was eavesdropping and thought we could do with some happy juice. Sue me, bitch."

Taylor's mouth drops, looking at Tory as if he's crazy. "It's like 10am!"

"So? It's happy hour somewhere." Tory hands them out, necking his own instantly. "Live a little, pretty boy."

Taylor Ward fucking blushes.

I try to stifle a laugh, Shayden's body shakes as he tries to do the same.

"Fuck it." My husband-to be-mutters, linking our arms as we down the burning liquid.

"Wait," Taylor's eyebrow furrow as he stares down at my now empty shot glass, "You don't drink."

"Why do you think that was?" I cock my eyebrow expectantly.

A sudden realization hits Taylor then and guilt consumes his features. I brush it off naturally as Shayden and Tory walk out the room.

Just as I stand up and go to follow then, a hand shoots out and grabs my wrist. It's gone almost as soon as we touch but I halt and turn around anyways.

"Taylor?" My eyebrows furrow as I notice him biting his lip, a sure sign that he's nervous. "Is everything okay?"

"I'm so sorry, Jaimee."

"I've already accepted your apology. Let's just move on, Tay-"

"No Jai. I fucked up majorly. I'm so sorry that you were scared to tell us and I was the person who reacted like that. That isn't me. You're my family and I should've had your back without question because I know you. I've been a shitty friend and I should've protected you more."

"Tay, no." I shake my head, my words coming out as a whisper. "I needed to do it on my own. I wouldn't have even told Shayden if he hadn't figured it out."

"Shayden's been back for a few months, I've been with you since it happened. I knew something was going on with you but I never thought it could've been that, so I never asked." He runs his fingers through his dark curls, lip still dormant between his teeth. "I'll never forgive myself for the things I said to you. None of them were true. Fuck, I-"

I interrupt him by wrapping my arms around him. Because of our insane height difference, he tugs me up so my arms are wrapped around his waist and wraps his arms around my waist. Laying my head into the crook of his neck, I breathe in his scent and relax.

Taylor, Libbie and Shay always felt like home.

"I missed you." I mumble into his shoulder.

"I missed you too, sis. So much." He tightens his arms around me, shuffling his head until his lips meet my temple.

+++

"Fucking piece of shit," I mutter. My phone wasn't recognizing my face despite the fact I've had the same one for 23 years. I type in my password aggressively, trying to text Shayden to tell him I was on my way home from the gym.

"Jaimee, right?"

Panic rose in my chest as I swirled around to see a man looking at me, a smirk littered on his features. He looks strangely familiar, but that thought does little to comfort me as his lips tug up further.

"Do I know you?" I ask before I can stop myself, my eyebrows furrowing as I try to search my memory.

The smirk drops as a grin stretched across his thin lips, though the sight of it did nothing to resolve the unease I was feeling around him. "Shame you don't recognize me. I've been told I'm the double of my brother."

My heart drops in my chest. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I'm hit with a sudden deja vu on who he is.

Cayden Mason: Cameron's older brother.

He was close enough to me that I could smell his cologne radiating off him. He's wearing the same scent that Cameron was on the night that he raped me; I remembered because it's haunted my senses since the moment I smelt it.

I felt my heart stop- literally. It felt like all the blood circulation in my body clogged up. I felt my body go numb, chest and head feeling like it could implode at any second. His face started to spin, the setting around us fuzing together.

Not knowing what to do, I turn my back to him and go to walk away before he has the chance to speak to me any further. But as I tried to leave, a startled gasp escaped me as Cayden's hand shot out to grab my wrist, his grip not even in the same space as gentle. His large hand wrapping around my wrist squeezed it, until I genuinely feared he would snap my bones.

"You got somewhere to go?" He questioned in a steady voice, the taunting glimmer in his eyes only furthering my anxiety. He knew who I was, he knew what his brother did to me. I watched with wide eyes as a mocking knowing look dawned on his face, as he nodded slowly in realization. "Got any more rape accusations to throw about, huh?"

I clenched my jaw as his grip somehow tightened, trying with all my strength to not show any pain on my face. My heart was thundering against my rib-cage, provoked by the same kind of fear that I felt when I'd reported Cameron to the police, the same kind of fear that I felt as I awoke in the hospital at 14 with unbearable pain spreading throughout my entire upper body.

I didn't get to respond to him, frozen in shock and pain, but he continues with a lowered tone that had my nerves standing on edge. "Once Cam's out, expect a visit. Lying whore."

The pain in my wrist was pushed to the side when I saw the dangerously serious look in Cayden's eyes. He wasn't joking, his threat planting a seed of terror within me. He was promising revenge for whatever lie they thought I told.

Whether it be the adrenaline coursing through my veins or the knowledge that Cameron couldn't possibly hurt me again in comparison to what he's already done, I yank my wrist out of his hold and take a few steps back. My top lip curls up and the infuriating wrath that is consuming ever single part of me leeks into my words, "Your brother raped me, Cayden. Nothing you or him do will ever hurt me more than that. I ain't scared of a coward."

My heart was hammering so loudly in my ears that I didn't even hear his chuckle until I saw his body shake. Cayden just shook his head, disappearing down the block as my breathing attempted to return to normal.

I got back to my apartment quickly, having checked countless times that no one was following me. My eyes raked down to my wrist, the red imprint of his fingers touching me blackening.

The first thing I do is shower. Scrubbing and washing his touch off me before I can even hesitate. By the time I'm out, my entire body is red raw and I can already feel the pain in my wrist subsiding as the pain in my head accumulates.

Grabbing my phone, my knee bounces as I sit on the edge of my bed, waiting for the line to pick up.

After around three dial tones, Shayden's breathless voice sounded through the speaker and I knew he must've just gotten back from a run or something. "Hey, you home?"

The sound of his voice calms my erratic heart somehow and I can now breathe without hearing the sound of my own heart pounding my ears, "Yeah." I breathed out barely, failing to stop the sound of my voice breaking.

"What's wrong?" Shayden rushed immediately, "Has something happened?" I hear rustling on the other line and a door slamming shut, "I'm on my way to your apartment now. Can you stay on the phone? What's happened?"

I glance down at my wrist, feeling physically sick at the fact that he's physically marred my skin. I've been through so much worse but just looking at the bruise on my hand, put there by my rapist's brother, makes anxiety swarm my mind. My eyes burned with tears that I didn't realize I'd been holding back. The bruise hurt, but I knew the tears weren't because of the slight pain. I'd been so terrified of people touching me for so long, so paranoid about consent. Since reuniting with Shayden, it's not even crossed my mind. But one moment with someone who's presence terrified me brought me back to a part of myself that I'd rather remain hidden forever.

The phone cuts off and I hear my front door open and shut. Shayden rushes into my room not even a moment later, dropping to his knees in front of me and, upon seeing my tears, pauses as he reaches out.

"Jai?" He whispers softly, as if I'd break if he spoke any louder.

My hand raises unconsciously. The fear that had balled up in my throat was finally taking over and I let out a choked breath, "I saw Cameron's brother- Cayden."

"He said..." Inhaling deeply, I try to ignore the pulsing pain in my head. "He said I was a liar, a whore. Told me that when Cameron's out...They're going to come and see me." I can't hold back the tears any longer, they stream down my face as I make an animal-like sound. Sobs take over me instantly and Shayden wraps his arms around me, lifting me up and onto his lap.

"Why can't they just leave me alone?" My voice breaks as I let out another sob, my head resting on Shay's shoulder. "Hasn't he done enough? Why me? Why-?"

"I'll never let anyone hurt you again, my love." Shayden runs his fingers through my hair, tightening his hold on me. "You're safe. I'm here. I love you. We'll get through this together."

I feel like I've taken 9 steps forward and now 10 back. I'd finally started to accept and move on from it, but now everything just felt raw and painful and wrong.

I just want to curl up and never wake up again.