j a i m e e

+

I walked barefoot into my room, feeling fresh from my shower and still wrapped in my comfy towel. My phone pinged, the lockscreen of Shayden and Starr lighting up as I checked to see it was from Libbie.

What time are you coming round? Starr's missing you.

I typed out a quick reply, already being able to imagine the mess I'd be walking into. Remi avoided letting Libbie near Starr alone for the sole fact that Starr would end up covered in either food or hair dye.

She's always been that way, though. I remember towards the end of 8th grade, she'd persuaded me to dye my hair dark blue and I did. In all fairness, it looked good but having to try and get the hair dye out in hospital showers was stressful.

I shook my head, clearing out the flashes in front of my eyes and refusing to let myself wander back into those days.

Grabbing a hair tie, I try to tame my head of curls and pull each tangled strand of hair into a high ponytail. But as my hair leaves my shoulders, I catch the reflection through the mirror and stared at myself. The top of my arms came into view and my eyes caught sight of the scars. The long white lines cascaded across my upper arms, snaking around my back where I knew they continued across each of my shoulder blades.

I let my hair drop, falling down behind my back as I continued looking at the scars. Even through the tattoos, the jagged marks were prominent against my light brown skin. They were pinker than they were years ago but the color was more faded. I knew deep down that they'd never truly fade away.

Pain washed over me like a tornado, my knees threatening to buckle underneath me. Healing was weird. Looking at this permanent reminders etched onto me forever was weird. My eyes burned as tears clung onto my lower lashes but I blinked them away desperately, adamant that I wouldn't shed anymore tears for the bastards who did this to me.

I did enough of that years ago, sobbing and begging for another situation that didn't leave me marred for life. Wondering why, out of everyone, it had to happen to me? I was never one for self pity but I failed to understand what they achieved from hurting me.

Grabbing one of Shayden's khaki green hoodies and my ripped jeans, I quickly got dressed and covered up the scars. Shayden was stopping at Remi's for a few minutes to see me before he went out with the boys and I didn't want to miss him or leave him in Remi's care for too long.

The car drive was short and Shayden was already waiting for me outside my brother's house.

He leans down and connects our lips for only a second before he's lacing our hands together.

"Hey, baby."

"Are you okay?" I ask him, nuzzling my head on his shoulder as he starts to rub circles onto my hand.

"Yeah, I-"

"Uncle Shayden!"

We both stop walking, immediately turning around once we recognize Starr's voice. A smile ignites my face as she sprints up to Shayden and he bends down in order to meet her for a hug, before picking her up and spinning her around.

"My little Starr, I missed you so much." He says, tickling my niece as she giggles.

"I missed you too!" She exclaims, holding up her wrist to show her pink bracelet. "Have you still got your necklace?"

My eyebrows furrow at her question but before I can even ask, Shayden pulls the collar of his shirt down to reveal a pink necklace that matches her bracelet. "Of course I have! I promised you I wouldn't take it off."

I feel my heart swoon at the sight as I remembered how much it meant to me that Shayden and my niece got on well. She was too alike to both Remi and I when it came to not liking the general population but seeing them so at ease with one another evokes thoughts in my mind that I need to ignore.

"What've you been up to today then, Princess?" Shay asks, throwing her up slightly and catching her again.

She laughs, her palms resting on his chest as she sends him a dazzling smile. "We had to take something into Pre-K today that meant something to us. I took my bracelet and told everyone that my Uncle Shayden was so cool and I made him a necklace just like it!"

"Did you?" He asks, his eyes widening in amazement.

"Yeah! I told everyone they should be jealous because my auntie and uncle are better than theirs."

This sparks a laugh out of me as Shayden just smiles widely, chuckling at her enthusiasm.

"Damn right, Princess." He laughs, "I need to go now but I'm going to come round in a few days and we're making cookies for your dad, okay?"

"Yay! I'll miss you." She says, snuggling into his chest as he kisses her forehead.

"I'll miss you too." He coos, putting her down before bringing me into his arms. As he softly kisses my forehead, he says, "And I'll miss my Queen too."

Despite my depressing trains of thoughts today, Shayden's aura made me relax entirely. Soothing me and my erratic thoughts in a way that I didn't even realize was possible.

"I love you."

"I love you too, doll." He swears, giving my hand a quick squeeze before walking towards his car.

"Cute." I hear a voice say behind me. I turn around to see my brother smirking at me, "Nine years later and you're still as cheesy as ever."

"Fuck off." I mutter, a smile on my face as I shake my head and flip him the bird.

"I'm glad you've found your happiness again, Sis." He says earnestly, making my heart ache.

Remi knew how badly I depended on Shayden. Through the attack, though losing my parents, through every single anxiety-induced thought and insecurity.

I always thought that Shayden got me through my parents death. But, in reality, Remi did everything for me.

Following him into his living room. I rack my brain trying to find the words to articulate just how much he means to me.

"I know Shayden supported me majorly through everything that's ever happened. But I don't think I ever thanked you properly for what you did for us, Rem. I wouldn't have been able to survive losing Mom or Dad if it wasn't for you."

"Don't be stupid, Jaimee." He says immediately, "You're the strongest person I know."

I look down at my intertwined fingers, my stomach twisting. "You gave up all your ambitions to care for me. You delayed going to College so you could work and we'd have enough money for the apartment and food. No one ever asked you to do that, you could've just dumped me at Shania's or Libbie's but you didn't."

"Course I didn't, you're my little sister." He stresses, giving me all of his attention. "You're not a burden, Jai. I would've done anything for us to have stayed together, anything. I've done everything for you since you could walk, that wasn't going to change just because we lost our parents."

"Mom and Dad would've wanted you to prioritize yourself. Your future was more important than me." I say softly.

"No. Nothing is more important than you." Remi pulls me towards him, rubbing my arm as our eyes locked. "They worked a lot. Do you remember that? They were never home when you woke up and didn't get home until you were asleep. The only time they were around was the weekend and when they were around, they weren't really around. Pops was always worried about bills and rent money and Mom was always worrying about him. I never needed to worry about them because I had you."

Something flickers in my chest, a slight tightness that I can't place. "I never realized that."

"Good. Then I did my job right." My brother says with the utmost belief, "I miss them. Fuck, I miss them so much. But Jai, I wouldn't have been able to survive if it was you I lost."

"Thank you." I mumble, and something between us shifts. It was obvious that I was thanking him for a lot more than just looking after me when I was younger.

"What happened, Jai?" He asks just above a whisper, but whether he was more scared of my response or my reaction was unclear.

Remi watches my face so closely, concerned evident in his expression. I can't look at him as I'm petrified that I'm going to burst into tears the moment I see sadness lingering in his eyes.

I never wanted him to see me weak. I never wanted to burden my brother, the person who saved my life, with my problems.

But I know he deserves an explanation, he deserves clarity.

"Shay and I went to a party, and he had to go home early because he had work. I just remember being so incoherently drunk that I could barely walk. Cameron...He took me upstairs and-" I cut myself off, shaking my head as my eyes started stinging. "When I woke up, I knew what had happened instantly but it was hazy at first. I didn't remember everything until I sobered up and then it all hit me. I guess that fact I was drunk should make it easier but that was one of the worst parts of it all."

"It doesn't sound like it'd be any easier." Remi says, "It sounds terrifying, Jai."

"It was." I say, blinking as my voice breaks.

It doesn't feel good to admit. It feels small.

Sobs leave my lips as I recall watching Cameron stand in court and lie about me, how I begged him for sex and wouldn't take no for an answer. The lies that he spewed about me, how he made himself sound like the victim.

I was left with blood between my thighs, bruises staining and sticking onto my skin, acid in my throat. Collisions of hazes and flashes and agony. Nightmares of me crying, begging, pleading with him to show mercy, telling him that I just wanted to go home.

Home was breakfast dates with Remi and Starr. Home was binge watching Brooklyn Nine Nine with Tory. Home was Libbie and Taylor arguing.

Home was with Shayden.

Home wasn't hotel rooms and takeout boxes. Home wasn't anxiety coursing through my veins at the idea of stepping outside because Cameron was on bail and could find me. Home wasn't hiding from my problems until they disappeared.

Cameron thought he won. He thought he took away my home. He thought he destroyed the tenacious part of me that never folded through all the shit I went through.

He was wrong.

Remi immediately pulls me into his arms, holding me close to his chest as he knows how overwhelming it is for me to talk about the man who tried to destroy me. I don't hesitate to wrap my arms around his stomach, doing nothing to stop the emotions coursing through me as I relax in my brother's hold.

"I had court-mandated therapy sessions for the first year after the trial. He tried to appeal against his sentence last year but they said he had to serve full time because of bad behaviour." I say, remembering getting that phone call off my lawyer. The panic attack I had the moment I hung up left me in bed for days, before I had to force myself to get to the court and do another testimony on why the emotional scarring warranted him staying in for the full four years he was sentenced too. My lawyer told me how lucky I was that he even got four years and it was only due to the rape kit and state of my dress upon my arrival to the nearest police station that I even got taken seriously. "I just don't get why someone would ever do that to someone else."

So many arguments about rape and sexual assault are centered around behaviours and the specifics of the situation rather than the question of: why would you want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you?

Remi rubs my back, still holding me close to him as he listens to every word I say. I know it's hard for him to hear about this, judging by the tightness of his jaw or the way his narrowed eyes crinkle slightly. But we needed to discuss this before anything escalated or got miscommunicated.

We spent a few hours talking about everything. Light conversations on childhood memories, Shayden and our future, and how I was dealing with the trauma of what Cameron did to me.

It was hard, but saying that I felt better after getting it all out was an understatement. The weight that had been on my shoulders for four years finally felt lighter.

Whenever I'd hear stories of sexual assault, I'd always tell myself that if it was me in that situation, I'd speak up instantly. But then when it happened, it was almost as if my voice had been taken away from me just like my consent had been.

Speaking to the Police was hard but necessary. It needed to happen. I thought telling my family was an option, and decided that it was in my best interest to stay quiet.

I know how wrong it was now for me to think that. Being able to speak about this made me feel so much more comfortable and reassured in myself. Speaking up took four years, but my recovery was still vivid and accelerating. I'm constantly learning to love myself and those around me.

Truly, I wish that I would've told them sooner. I wish that I would've overlooked all my anxiety and fears to just speak out, maybe this journey to self preservation would've been somewhat easier with the support of those around me.

Just as Remi goes to add to our conversation, he's interrupted by someone banging loudly on his front door.

Tensing up, I go to it immediately. Remi lingers behind me, prepared to throw down if someone had come to his door, where his five year old daughter is upstairs sleeping, to cause trouble.

"What the fuc-" My voice raises as I yank the door open.

Amongst all the loud commotion, I hadn't considered that I'd see Taylor standing on my brother's doorstep covered in blood.

"Tay," I breathe out, panic igniting me as the red liquid covers his hands and shirt. "Are you hurt? Wha-"

"It's Shayden's blood. He's hurt."