I'm halfway home from school, going over my schedule for the week in my head, when it starts. I never know when it's coming. This time, it starts with a roiling in my gut, and I stumble, my legs going weak under me, when abruptly, I'm overcome by the heaviness of ten pounds of lead being dropped on my chest.

I lean on a wall for support and coax myself to breathe in and out, slow and steady, like I've done so many times before. I tell myself to calm down and think, remind myself that this is not my pain.

Ren. I haven't felt anything of this magnitude from him in a long time. The weight of loss, guilt, sorrow, fear, confusion, hopelessness, disappointment, and beneath all those layers—an emptiness so profound, the summation of all these rampant emotions, blurring together in simple, real, and raw pain

I force the rational part of my brain to the front. Think. I have to finish my math homework today and practise my script. I simply do not have the time to waste on this, and yet going home now will be useless because there's no way I can focus on anything when Ren is in this much pain. So I turn and half-run back to school, to Ren, more on impulse than decision, even though there's nothing I can really do to make this go away.

I stop by a convenience store first and purchase a small pack of tissues, some ready-made rice cakes, and Yakisoba bread because I know that he needs them. I know he hasn't eaten anything since breakfast, like I know everything about Ren, and I know that I'm spending valuable savings on these supplies, but I'm only doing it because I've got no other choice. If Ren is suffering, then I am too, and that's just the way it is.

I find Ren on a wooden park bench inside campus, frantically wiping at his eyes under a flickering lamplight. There's an inexplicable pain in my heart as I stand and watch from the shadows, tightly clutching at my store-bought bag and feeling completely in the dark about how to proceed.

The last time Ren was suffering like this and I felt it too, I wandered all the way to his house in the middle of the night and waited outside with my face in my arms until he fell asleep and the sensations calmed down, because I didn't know what else to do and I couldn't bring myself to just sit at home and do nothing. I don't want this to end up like that, so I will myself to move into the light. I need to get this over with.

I don't want to look him in the eyes because I don't know what it'll do to me, so I drop the bag beside him and turn away. I need to go back home. I have work to do.

I hear him stand up. "Wait."

I know what he's about to say next just from the hope radiating from his voice. "Did Kurumi-senpai—"

There's a stab in my chest, and it feels too close, too real, compared to the usual detached echoes of pain. I allow myself a sideways glance. "Go home."

His voice is soft now. "Tell her I said thanks." And all the overwhelming sensations he was projecting into me are washed away by fresh waves of hope and fondness by the time I leave the school gates.

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

"And now, the volunteers for the school committee from this class," the teacher announces, reading off of his register. "Rubi Amari, Ren Ichijou, and Akito Kai? Stand up, please."

I instinctively get to my feet on hearing my name; forcing my chair backwards. Ren is standing up beside me at his desk too, and he looks as confused as I feel. The classroom has fallen into silence; all eyes on the three of us. I don't completely understand what's going on. School committee? Did I hear that right?

"You three volunteered, correct? Report to the student council room after school for a meeting, and you will be assigned a task after that. Very well, that's it for today."

"Sir, I think there's been a mistake," I start, but Sensei is already out the door, and my voice is too feeble to reach him. A ripple of annoyance surges through me.

The school committee is a group comprised of three volunteers from each class who gather at the end of the day in the name of service to the school. Their duties include helping the teachers out with their paperwork, keeping the campus clean, and organising and planning events, among other things. Signing up for the after-school committee is no different from willingly offering yourself up to be your teachers' handy errand boy.

And if I had time for something like that, I would be taking up a part-time job instead.

No one willingly volunteers for the school committee. Which means some abrasive person signed me up for this so that the teacher wouldn't have to force the job on anyone else. Needless to say, I simply cannot afford to let my name remain in that register. I make a mental note to speak to the teacher afterwards and clear up the misunderstanding as soon as possible.

I sink into my chair with a tired sigh and make to look out the window—only to latch onto a pair of eyes, dark and all-encompassing as night. "What?" he asks with a scowl, like he hadn't been looking my way to begin with.

Accidents like these are one of the many unfavourable things about being deskmates with Ren Ichijou.

"Nothing," I say flatly, and look ahead.

"Why's your face red?"

He catches me when I'm in the middle of composing myself, and the blood rushes right back to my face, my deep breaths from a second ago having gone in vain.

"Hah? Are you sick or something?"

Why's he making an attempt at conversation now? We've been sitting this way for a week without speaking to each other unless absolutely necessary. That arrangement suited me. Maybe yesterday's events gave him the wrong idea, which was not what I intended at all. Speaking to and being near Ren as little as possible is still in my best interests.

I'm looking for a polite way to say zip it, when he gives up. "Fine. Fuck you."

Despite the pang in my chest, I tell myself that this is how it should be.

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

I search the entire school twice for my homeroom teacher, miss the student council meeting, and still fail to find him. Which means I'm stuck in the committee, and since I already skipped the meeting and don't want to make a bad name for myself, I head to the library where the other members—tasked with going through the reviewed answer sheets of the students to check for miscalculations—are gathered.

I have no choice but to get this over with quickly and go home.

But all the hopes that I harboured for a quiet and productive hour at the library are crushed the second I step into the room. "You came," I murmur without meaning to. Ren is sitting at the table cross-legged, his stormy eyes stabbing daggers into my chest. "Had time to kill," he grumbles, his watchful gaze never leaving me, like he's waiting to see what I'll do. I start to panic a little because I genuinely did not expect him to come to something like this.

"Akito, hey," Rubi greets, and I blink at her, force my breathing to even itself out, and then settle in beside her with a nod. I wordlessly stare at the merciless pile of papers set before each of us, sigh internally, then get to work.

Every few minutes, my eyes helplessly flit up to Ren, like he's physically snagging my attention. I watch him as he chews absently at the back of his pen, as he furrows his eyebrows in concentration, and as his lips silently move when he counts the marks on the answer sheets to himself. The sights—all of them—inexplicably send a flood of warmth into my stomach.

It hasn't even been ten minutes, and Ren has resumed his restless foot-tapping. He's always making some sort of noise. I wish so badly that I could just stop looking his way, but he makes it so that I can never forget that he's there.

"Akito," Rubi whispers all of a sudden, motioning for me to lean over. I follow her gaze as it lands on Ren. "Could you ask him to...stop that?" she asks, irritation tugging at her lips. Ren is now knocking his knuckles against the table as he works. I've become somewhat accustomed to all his sounds these past few days, but I remember them being especially distracting in the beginning.

I tear my eyes away from him. "I'd rather not," I tell her honestly.

"I'm not on speaking terms with him right now," she explains, distressed.

I do remember her having some bad blood with Ren. I reign in the urge to sigh out loud. These two seem to spell trouble, and the sooner I can get out of having to spend time with them, the better.

"Neither am I," I say patiently. We established on day one that we wouldn't be speaking to each other.

"It's just that he's being so loud, and it's starting to get on my nerves a little," she huffs, speaking into my ear. "I can't concentrate if he keeps—"

"What?" The two of us freeze, our eyes snapping back to Ren. "If you've got a problem with me, then say it to my face," he grumbles under his breath, lifting his hands off the table and stuffing them into his lap. "I've got fucking ears, y'know." When my eyes meet his, he immediately looks away, lowering his head, and it feels a little like he's shrinking into himself. I feel a stab of guilt in my chest and look to Rubi for help, but she seems to be trapped in a similar dilemma.

When neither of us responds, Ren abruptly stands up, sending his chair roaring backward. "Fuck this!" he barks, and he's about to walk away when Rubi leaps to her feet and bends across the table to grab him. "W-Wait! Ren, I'm sorry. Just sit down for a second and let's talk." 

"Let go." He tries to violently pry his arm away, and Rubi yelps as she almost collapses onto the table. "I'm done here."

"Look, all I'm asking is for you to listen to me for one—"

"I don't care," he breathes, his eyes burning. "Let me go."

"Ren, this isn't fair. Just sit down and hear what I have to say," Rubi says, deliberately slow, like she's speaking to a child, but I can sense the impatience edging into her voice.

Ren tries to yank his arm back again and stumbles a little when Rubi releases him, frustrated. He whirls around, making to storm away, when she screams, "Why do you always run away the second things start to get a little complicated? Ren, that's not the way to go."

He pauses and shoots her a vicious glare. "What the fuck do you know about me?" he asks, seething. "I don't need—"

"Enough," I snap. "Just sit down." All I want is to finish things up here and go home. I have a long night of studying ahead of me, and I'm tired as it is. The pit of rage that just opened up in my stomach because of Ren isn't helping my fatigue.

Surprisingly, Ren shuts up, but when I look up at him, I dimly realise that my efforts to put an end to this pointless argument failed to amount to anything. His posture is stiff as he shifts his gaze, his eyes landing firmly on mine. "Don't," he fumes. "Don't tell me what to do."

"Please," I say, resorting to politeness. I just can't take much more of this. "We're in a library."

"Like I care about that," he snorts. "First you ignored me and shit, and now you're ordering me around? Bastard."

I'm starting to lose my patience just a little. "You're making a scene. Let's try to be civil."

He scoffs. "I am not making a scene. I just wanted to be on my fucking way, but you—"

"Why is it so hard for you to understand?" I ask through gritted teeth. "You're going into a fit in the middle of the library. We're on duty right now. We don't have time for this." This isn't like me. I'm not one to let my mouth run ahead before my brain can catch up. But Ren—he makes me like this. I should just stop talking. Why am I even concerning myself with him more than I need to?

Ren's eyes glaze over. He opens his mouth, but all that comes out is air. My heart stops. What have I done? Oh, no, no, no. Ren's mood is spiralling. I clench my fingers around my shirt front and watch him, a blanket of dread falling over me. He's standing so still, eyebrows furrowing slightly, but on the inside, he's falling and falling, and I need to stop him from going too deep into his despair. I don't want yesterday to happen again. I don't think I could take that twice.

"I'm sorry," I croak. I swallow when he looks at me, his eyes unreadable. "I didn't mean—"

He turns away, his face tight. "Fuck you," he spits at the floor before spinning and half-running back towards the exit. Ah. I don't feel good. I pick up my pen and blink down at the papers before me, waiting for the words to make sense again. I think I'm going to be sick. Enough. Enough already. I want this to stop. When will it stop?

Beside me, Rubi falls back into her chair and buries her face in her hands. "Oh god," she whines, her voice slightly muffled. "This wasn't supposed to happen."

I pause. "What?"

"I'm just disappointed," she mumbles, half to herself, letting her hands drop with a sigh.

My eyebrows scrunch together as an impossible thought occurs to me. "Did you sign us up for this?"

"Um, uh, sorry?" She stutters, her eyes going wide as she becomes aware of her slip-up. "I don't know what you mean," she adds clumsily, her gaze flying away from mine abnormally fast.

"You did."

"I—" She gives up. "Yeah."

"Why?"

She hesitates, her teeth worrying at her bottom lip. "I just...you and Ren...I thought..." she says, struggling to get her words in order. "I don't..."

I feel another sharp burst of pain, and I bite down hard to keep it from showing on my face. Ren. "You know something." She doesn't reply. "About me," I say carefully. "And Ren." She doesn't deny it. I have so many questions. What's happening to me? How can I make it go away? Why is it him?

But all that comes out is, "Help me."

END OF CHAPTER