🔒 @yvannugh

holy. shit.

🔒 @yvannugh

fuck, my heart hurts.

jem

11:50 PM

...this explains everything. i knew i wasn't crazy

No. You're too observant for your own good.

okay

um

fuck did you go to therapy today????

...Yes, how did you know?

nalaman ko wala ka pala talagang training tas akala ko may kasama ka nang ibang babae

holy shit im glad its therapy

I MEAN NO IM NOT GLAD BUT

I MEAN im GLAD youre talking to someone and it helps you but like not GLAD you NEED it but

FUCK

SORRY

Hahahahahahaahahahahahaahahah

Don't apologize, I just let out the loudest sigh of relief.

I was at therapy, don't worry. 😂

fuck

ok

um

going back

can i say something without you shutting it down?

Yes.

i don't think any of that makes you less of what you are.

the anxiety is real. the therapy is real. the medication is real. and none of it still cancels out what i've watched you do all season.

your play, your leadership, your instincts—none of that came from a prescription. that came from you.

the anxiety is something you carry—it's not something you are.

you asked for help and found help.

ang dami mong sinasarili, jem, and on top of all of that you've been managing something nobody knew about.

and you still showed up. that part was never borrowed, that was always you.

so i don't think you're a fraud at all. i think you're someone brave. someone who kept going even when something underneath made it harder.

i don't mean to sound like your therapist, but this is just what's on my mind

...Thank you, Yvanna. I'm happy I didn't ruin my chances yet. 😅

My sessions with Dr. Alcantara basically work on my mindset—she said the anxiety itself is manageable, but the shame I feel needing it is what's been driving the psychological reliance, the belief that what I worked for isn't mine just because something helped me access it.

It's been really helpful, but I have a long way to go.

So that's one of my secrets.

there's more???

Take a deep breath.

La Salle recruited me. When I was a freshman.

HUUUUUUUUUUUUUH

They made a serious offer

and you shut the door immediately right...

No.

I seriously considered it.

you seriously considered leaving ateneo

It may be really really selfish and foolish, but it was tempting thinking about what it would feel like to choose something that wasn't already chosen for me.

That's why I feel bad for Caleb. Or I have more sympathy for him than the others. He chose something for himself and gets destroyed for it every time he steps on a court.

But I get why people are upset as well—I still think he should've told us. Not to ask permission, but it's more that we played together every single day. We were in that gym together, in that locker room together. That deserved a conversation.

The least he could've done was say it to our faces before we found out from a press release.

I don't know if Russ and Teo would've been more gracious about it. Probably not, but they would've respected it 'cause at least we would've known from him.

...but they don't know about this

that you considered leaving

They'd flip their shit/say that they felt betrayed.

but you never followed through naman

I know, but I still thought it about it.

I entertained the thought of leaving the team, leaving THEM, and I never said a word.

so it's less about what you considered and more about the secret

Yeah. Doesn't cancel out just because I made the right call in the end.

pero i'm sure they would understand naman

I don't know lol. Hopefully they do, that was a long time ago.

I don't regret my decision at all. But back then it wasn't as clear cut as it sounds now. Now it's crazy to even think about.

I was young and insanely pressured and it sounded enticing.

...hindi kita ma-imagine naka-green

Me too.

ok so on the record, i'll say you hate basketball

HAH.

On the record, my answer is: I grew up with this game. It's hard to separate loving it from everything else it's always meant to my family, to my name, to the "legacy". But I love my teammates. I love playing for this school. I love what we build in the gym every day. That part is entirely mine—nobody gave it to me. I'm still here and I still want to be here. That's enough for me.

and that, jem vargas, concludes my interview.

took us long enough.

Better late than never, Reporter Barbie. :)

you were a terrible subject. very uncooperative

INITIALLY uncooperative. Then I told you to try something different, to actually talk to me and get to know your subject.

This is actually press favoritism, I gave you full access.

k i won't argue. cause i definitely know my subject now

His multitudes and everything.

uh huh

Multitudes and kissing methods.

SHUT UP

This made a difference to your article, did it not?

may itataas pa pala yung ego mo

Hahahahahahhahahah

I can't wait to read what you write, Yvanna.

And I mean that.

thank you.

and thank you, jem, for trusting me with your secrets.

Thank you for listening.

and don't worry

i stand in front of the fridge trying to remember why i opened it

Hahahahaha

I'm not worried at all. I trust you.

I feel like

Like a regular person who is figuring it out.

Like a normal college kid with anxiety. Which I think is what I am.

Weird new, weird good.

🔒 @yvannugh

ah, there IS something regular about you, jem vargas.

jem

12:36 AM

i was going to apologize for everything i wrote before i knew you. i think some of it made things harder

but you wouldn't want that from me and you'd hate that.

so i won't.

Good.

That's not your style, Reporter Barbie.

Rest, you had a long day. I'll see you at tomorrow's game?

Last time, you calmed me down more than the Propranolol.

stop flirting with me

Unreasonable ask.

but yes.

goodnight, jem. sweet dreams

thank you for rescuing me earlier

Anytime.

Goodnight, Yvanna.

Sweet dreams.

🔒 @yvannugh

hay nako yvanna, stop crying.