Chini

9:39 PM

kuya, sabay na lang daw ako kay kuya bradley, tinawagan ako ni kuya russ, sabi ko park na siya sa blue

ok ka lang?

Chini

10:18 PM

Yeah, sorry, Munchkin.

I asked Russ na to take you home 'cause I'm preoccupied, pero good na Ace can drop you off.

ok lang ako kuya, unahin mo yan si ate yvanna

Thanks, Chin. Sorry ulit. See you later.

wag ka na magsorry kuya i can take care of myself. andito naman din si kuya bradley

mwa see you later, ingat ka kung nagddrive ka

hoops

10:21 PM

Vargas

Thank you, hoops.

Russ

👍

teo

ok na si reporter barbie?

Vargas

Yeah, we're parked outside her house.

She fell asleep on my shoulder, she's nuzzled against me like a cat.

teo

so takot siya sa kulog?

wala sa itsura niyang matapang ah

Vargas

Yeah, she is.

Thanks din pala for the offer kanina, hoops.

Russ

Well, nakakatakot naman talagang mag-drive kanina.

teo

oks lang may natulong naman ako

anyway buti na lang ok na siya

see you sa game bukas mga chong

vargas mag-ingat ka

Russ

See you.

Vargas

Yep, thanks.

See you tomorrow.

🔒 @jyv

I don't wanna say bye to you just yet.

Yvanna 😾

10:40 PM

sorry ulit dapat ginising mo ko

ok ka lang mag-indrive pauwi?

Yes, don't worry.

And you looked really peaceful asleep, I couldn't wake you up. Also because I didn't wanna say goodbye to you yet.

I'll text you when I'm home. Go inside and rest.

hintayin na kita, may sasabihin ka pa sakin diba?

Ah. Yes.

thank you, jem

i feel safe with you

...You're welcome.

I'll text you.

Yvanna 😾

11:13 PM

Blue na 'ko. How are you?

better. thank you

sorry.

You don't need to apologize. I'm glad I could help you.

I don't think you're scared of many things but thunder's something else. And you couldn't see anything—the rain was too heavy and you were alone and that's a reasonable thing to panic about.

i hate that i panicked

You answered my text and waited for me. That's good judgment.

nasama pa si russ 🤦‍♀️

now i feel bad for what i wrote

Don't, that's not you.

And he's a very good friend. Him and Teo.

still. i feel bad even in the midst of an anxiety attack

i think that was anxiety? i dont know

Where you can't breathe and can't think and the space you're in stops feeling real even though you're right there in it?

Where you can't follow a single thought to the end, your chest is tight like something is sitting on it, and the car feels smaller, like it's caging you in?

...yes. that.

Yvanna, you said you feel safe with me.

I also do. And I feel brave, too.

Brave enough to admit shit I've never told anyone else before.

I'm not scared you'll think differently of me. It's that right now it's still something only I know, and once I say it out loud, it stops being just mine. It's out there, it's real.

jem, what do you mean?

Bear with me, please.

okay, take your time

When I started playing for Ateneo, I thought something was wrong with me. Why am I the only one whose hands won't stop shaking before games? Why am I the only one who can't eat the morning of? Why am I the only one who can't sleep the night before a big game, why does my vision blur out, and why does my heart feel like it's in my throat during warmups when everyone else looks fine?

I thought I was weak because everyone else seemed okay. Russ looks fine, Teo looks fine. And I'm standing in the tunnel trying to remember how to breathe normally.

Akala ko rin nung una maybe it was just pressure. But then I realized everyone else wasn't counting their breaths before every game, everyone else wasn't mapping out every possible way a play could collapse before it even started.

I thought it was the cost of caring this much about collegiate basketball. It turns out it had a name.

I'm seeing a therapist for my anxiety. Have been for a while now. I only see her every two weeks at this point—I'm doing better than I was.

oh

holy shit

fuck

how long?

Over a year.

okay

what

um

that's actually

does it help?

Yes.

i'm surprised, but that's good, jem. that you went. that you're still going

gets ko bakit secret, but that's not something to be ashamed of

For me? Yes, it is.

The worst part is that I also take something.

Propranolol.

It's a beta blocker. It's not against the rules, not a controlled substance. It just slows down the physical symptoms—the heart racing, the hands, the shallow breathing. It doesn't touch the anxiety itself, it just stops my body from announcing it to everyone in the room.

I still know I'm anxious, but my body isn't reacting as strongly. It basically stops the physical anxiety symptoms by blocking adrenaline.

I usually take it when my parents are watching or if it's a high-stakes game.

The downside is I'm more tired after. My body worked harder to stay level and it costs me something after the game.

holy shit

sorry

sorry, fuck

my filter isn't working right now

When does it ever work, Yvanna? Hahahaha

fuck

that's why you

kaya para kang kalmado sa mga games??

yung la salle

tsaka yung adamson?

Yeah.

Lately, I've been taking it more than I should.

is it addictive????

No. It doesn't create dependency. My doctor prescribed it for performance anxiety—it just slows down the physical symptoms. Again, it doesn't stop the anxious thoughts, doesn't change the worries or fears directly, or touch the anxiety itself.

ok so whats the problem in taking it?

Yvanna, I took it before a game that wasn't high-stakes, the UST one, because Coach was going to make me sit out because I looked tired. And my parents were there.

And yes, I know that's not what it's for.

so you're using it as a safety net

may psychological reliance ka so you feel in control

Yes. And it's wrong, and I addressed that pattern with my therapist.

She's amazing and very patient with me.

why does nobody else know??? about any of this???

What do you think will happen when coach and the team find out their captain can't hold it together before games? That the guy everyone looks to, who's supposed to be leading them and in control, is falling apart?

That's not a captain. That's a liability.

They won't trust me to play and lead, they'll second guess every decision I make out there.

And without that trust, I can't lead them anywhere. Someone who needed a pill or a therapist to be the captain can't lead a team.

jem

And the Propranolol. Every time I take it, I feel like a fraud. Like the composure everyone sees isn't actually mine. Like if they knew what it took to look like that—that I needed something to slow my heart down enough to function—they'd see how I play differently. See ME differently. See me as the captain/King Eagle/player who can't hold it together without chemical assistance, and that's not who I'm supposed to be.

Russ looks calm because he is. Teo looks confident because he is. And I look composed because I took something forty minutes before tip-off.

And I'm terrified someone's going to figure out that the most composed person on that court borrowed his composure from a prescription.

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