*not edited*

Trinity

"Why is she in my fucking bed?"

My eyes fluttered opened as I took in my surroundings. Everything was so familiar. I remember that same night stand, and the same dresser.

"Warren's room,"I thought to myself.

I couldn't remember much of what happened. All I remember was sitting at the lake, watching the sunset. The rest wasn't in my recollection.

"You wouldn't answer your fucking phone man. I had to do something with her, and I knew you were going back to Jacksonville last night."

"Amir, I know you have good intentions, man, but I am not a fucking therapist. I can't go through this shit ag-"

"She's not Renaé!"Amir shouted. "Every girl you meet is not Renaé!"

"Shut the fuck up..."I heard Warren mumble.

"I found that girl about to fucking kill herself. Warren, this is your chance to make shit right with your heart. You always blame yourself for Renaé death, but it wasn't your fucking fault. Renaé died because she wan-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP AMIR!"

I jumped at the bass in Warren's voice. He sounded so angry. I've never heard him say anything like that before. This Renaé person must've hit a bad spot in his heart.

The door suddenly opened, and slammed again. I sat up and stared at him. He didn't make eye contact with me. He just walked to his bathroom, not saying anything.

I grabbed my belongings off of the dresser. I wanted to leave as quickly as possible. It was obvious I wasn't wanted here, and I didn't want to be here.

"Shawty,"He said softly. "Don't leave, ight? Just...just give me a minute."

"I really have to get to school. I've already missed enough. I'm behind by two days an-"

"Stay,"He responded. "Please?"

The look in his eyes made me feel sorry for him. I could see the way his tears stained his cheeks. I nodded, reluctantly, and sat on his bed.

I heard him fumble around in his bathroom. A few items hit the floor with a loud thud. He slammed cabinets loudly.

I looked at the time on my phone. It was five in the morning, and getting to school would be a hassle. My clothes smelled like outside, and my hair was a mess. I would have to take a shower, clean myself up, and that would take at least two hours. By the time I got to school, I would've missed the first half of the day.

Suddenly, he rushed into the room, and out of his door. I watched as he ran out, like he was searching for something.

My stomach started to do flips as I got scared of what was going on. I held my phone in my hand tightly, knowing I could press my on/off button five times to call 911.

He came back in with a sign of relief on his face.

"I left my phone in the car, and Amir was about to leave,"He announced. "How you feeling, Shawty? Hungover?"

I shook my head in response, "I'm fine. I should really get goi-"

"I want to show you something,"He interrupted. "Come here."

He opened up his closet door. It was the recording studio I found myself in last time I was over his house. This time, it was more messy. There was papers scattered everywhere, and his computer had a million tabs open.

He motioned for me to sit in the seat beside his. I sat down, and grabbed one of the papers off of the desk. It was statistics on the use of marijuana. From that, I could tell he was against the use of drugs.

"Put these on,"He said as he handed me a pair of headphones.

I tried to pull them over my Afro, but I was struggling. He chuckled softly, and helped me out. He separated a two sections of my hair, and placed the headphones in between there.

I gave him a soft smile. No one had been that considerate to me before.

"Just...speak from your heart, Shawty. You don't gotta be perfect, and I'll probably end up editing it anyways,"He instructed. "You don't gotta be perfect,"He repeated.

"Welcome back to Normal, where we talk about shit that ain't normal,"He said. "Today we got a special guest with us. I don't usually do this anymore, after what happened last time, but I feel like she need some healing."

He looked over at me, and gave me a soft smile.

"Ight, well say something, shawty. You gotta talk to the people."

"Hi,"I whispered into the mic.

"I've been wanting to touch on this topic for awhile, but shit just been moving really fast lately. It wasn't until last night, when I got a phone call from my brother. He told me about this girl, crying, saying she wanted a quick fix...by quick fix I mean death...and it really got me thinking. Who do I live for?"He asked. "Well, I live for my sister, who can't live no more. That's the only person I do this shit for. I live for her, because if she was here, then I wouldn't be on the path I am today. She made me who I am, and as much as I hate this shit, I'm doing it for her."

He turned towards me, and gave me a head nod. I knew it was my turn to speak.

"Well, I would say I live for God first and foremost,"I started. "I would say my family, but they've been stressing me out lately. I can't even imagine going home later on."

"So you don't live for your family?"

"I'd say I live for my younger siblings. I love those little pests, but I can't say the same for my parents."

"What's wrong with you parents? Deadbeat daddy? Motivation-less mother?"

I giggled, "You can say something like that. They act perfect, but my mother just allows my father to run over her...Oh, here's a prime example. When my dumbass, bitch ass, stupid ass, boyfriend cheated on me, my mother told me my reputation was worth more than my feelings."

"Ah shit, that's fucked up Shawty. I'm sorry about that. You stay with him, though?"

"Please,"I said with a dramatic eye roll. "Don't even get me started about that bitch. I gave him a second chance, and then he comes to me crying cause the hoe he cheated on me with got an abortion!"

"Damn,"He mumbled into the mic. "How'd you feel about that?"

"Like shit..."I said softly, calming down. "I try to hard to be perfect for him, perfect for my family, perfect for everyone, but somehow, someway, everyone seems to find a way to make me feel like shit."

"You're worth more than that, Shawty, and that's something I try to stress on this podcast. We're so used to trying to be the best version of ourselves, but that's not the best version to us. We're trying to be the best version of ourselves to the outside world. You gotta live for yourself, Shawty. When you start tryna live for other people and make them happy, you end up drinking yourself to death...I don't wanna see you dead,"He responded. "I just met you, Shawty. I can't lose you cause you wanna be perfect."

I nodded in agreement. He was right. It was time I started living for myself. I wanted to be the best version of myself, not the best version of what others see. I wanted to be me.

"You wanna say anything?"He asked.

"Fuck Eli Bearden. I hope your kids hate you as much as I do,"I shouted into the microphone. "Much love, your girlfriend."

"Alright, and that is all folks. Thanks again to our special guest for joining us today. I gotta be somewhere in a few minutes, so y'all know the drill. Links down below about some topics we touched today. Remember, ask yourself 'is that shit normal'? Peace,"He said as he closed out.

Once he pressed the huge red button in his screen, I squealed. I was overwhelmed with excitement. That was one of the best things I had ever done, and I wanted to talk is much more.

"Eek!"I squealed. "God, that was so great! I loved it! I don't think I've ever spoken about how I actually felt. That was so...relieving."

"I figured you would like it. I don't tell people bout me having a podcast. Back home, I'd be seen as a clown. I'm glad you enjoyed it though."

He stood up and walked out of the closest towards his dresser. He fumbled through some of the clothes, and finally decided on a red Nike t-shirt.

I followed behind him and found my way to his bed. I fell backwards on it, staring at the ceiling.

"You know...the night I found out Eli cheated on me, I got this really weird text. It was a link to your podcast. Was it y-"

"I'm fuck that nigga up, man. Nah, Shawty, it wasn't me. That was Amir,"He responded.

"How did he get my number, and why did he act like he didn't know me at the party?"

He shrugged, and walked towards his other dresser. There, he pulled out a pair of Nike sweats. His Nike collection was tremendous.

"Is he a stalker?"I asked bluntly. "No disrespect, but it's really weird."

He chuckled, "Nah, I told him about you the first day we met."

I sat up and looked at him. He started walking towards the bathroom. I followed him, curios about what he had to say.

"Damn Shawty, let a nigga take a shower in peace,"He said with his hand on the bathroom door.

I rolled my eyes, "You act like I haven't seen everything in its glory."

"You fucking weird, Trinity,"He responded. "What?"

"Well, what did you say about me? Ob-"

"That you reminded me of Renaé."

"Who's Rena-"

"Shawty, listen, I gotta take a shower. From the looks of it, you do too."

I pulled my shirt over my face, and to no surprise I did smell as bad as he suggested. It was a mixture of the cheap brandy and the lake that made me clothes smell terrible.

I pushed past him and turned the knob on for his shower. He didn't say anything. He just watched as I worked my way around his bathroom. I remembered where everything was, and how everything worked. My memory was strong, and I usually don't forget things.

He laughed as I took the outfit out of his hands. Of course he would be too big for me, but they were clothes. I could easily let his t-shirt be a dress on me.

I pulled the t-shirt I had on, off. His eyes widened, like he was caught by surprise.

"What?"I asked. "You sa-"

"We're skipping school today,"He interrupted. "Hurry up."

"Oh really?"I asked as I bit my lip seductively.

"Shawty, I'm not tryna fuck you. I'm tryna do you right, so Ima leave before we have a repeat of last time,"He said as he walked out of the door.

Once he closed the door, I stomped angrily. I was hoping he'd fall for my trick, but of course he was better than that.

He was everything a girl wanted in a guy.

I sighed to myself as I got in the shower, bathing with the unscented soap he bought for me last time I was over.

"Don't be in there all day, Shawty. We got shit to do!"He shouted from outside the door.

He was everything my heart desired.

***

"Okay, you can put me down now."

He sighed loudly, and let go of my thighs. I jumped to the ground while staring at the view. It was beautiful.

"You walking back down, Shawty,"He mumbled. "Got my back hurting and shit."

"I don't have hiking sneakers. I tol-"

"Before we left, I asked if you wanted to go buy Walmart and get some. You insisted you would hike 4 miles with Nike slides on."

I didn't respond. He was right. I didn't want him to buy my anything though, and I'd much rather take a piggy back ride than walk four miles to and from.

"Why are we here?"I asked.

"You know, this is the highest point in our city?"

"Yeah, the scenery is beautiful,"I responded.

He sat down on a rock nearby. I continued to stand, because my legs were asleep from being carried 3 miles up a mountain.

He took out his phone, and scrolled through it. I paid him no mind. I just watched the horizon. It felt like I was on top of the world. Everything was so distant, so far away.

"You know why Jesus often went to the mountains to pray?"He asked.

"It's quiet up here,"I responded. "It's peaceful, calming. He had to escape sometimes."

"Mountains bring you closer to God, physically. On a mountain, he was,"He pinched his pointer finger and thumb together, "...this closer to God."

"Where are you going with this?"I asked.

"You got some issues, Shawty. You got some real issues, and before you can resolve those issues, you gotta talk to somebody. You don't wanna talk to me, that's fine, but you gotta talk to somebody,"He said as he looked me in the eyes. "I'll walk down the mountain a little, and let you talk to him."

He stood up, dusted his self off, and walked along the trail.

I picked up a rock nearby, and gripped it in my hand. As I looked at the sky, I felt myself getting angry. It was a sudden feeling of hatred towards Him.

I threw the rock into the sky as hard as I could. It didn't go far. It went up, and came back down with a loud thud. I laughed.

"My life is a joke to you,"I said softly. "God, I've been trying so hard, but I can't keep doing this...I refuse to keep doing this."

The air was still, and everything was quiet. I picked up another rock, and held it tighter in my hand.

"You did all of these great things for Paul and Job, so why can't you do it for me?"I screamed to the sky. "Why can't you make me fucking happy?"

I threw the rock harder, and it went a farther distance. For a second, I thought it would actually break through the atmosphere. I thought that rock would hit him. Instead, it dropped to the side of the mountain.

"I just want to be happy,"I cried. "I just want to be happy, God. Why can't I be happy?"

A brush of wind suddenly came. The hairs on my skin raised as I pulled my arms together.

I walked to the edge of the mountain, and looked towards the sky. There was no railing holding me back. There was no invisible glass keeping me from taking one step over the edge.

"Give me a sign,"I said softly. "Any sign, and I won't do it."

My body was pulling me forward. I wanted to jump. I would be at peace, and peace was better than my internal affairs.

"I'll fucking do it,"I said again. "I'll jump...give me a sign, and I won't. I'll turn around and walk down this mountain. I'll turn around and never go down this path again."

Nothing.

Nothing happened. The whole world was still, it felt like. The weight of my foot was the only thing standing between me and death.

I pulled my pinky toe over the edge. I wanted it to make a difference, but it felt like nothing. I pushed my foot further, until the only thing on the edge was my heel.

Nothing.

I picked up my foot, and left it dangling over the edge. My other leg could give out on me, and I could fall thousands of feet to my death.

"Please,"I whispered.

Nothing.

Tears ran from my eyes as I looked down. I felt myself starting to get weak. The last few moments of my life would be this. The last thing I would remember would be this.

I didn't want to, but I couldn't handle the pressure. I wanted to be perfect, but perfect wasn't me.

Everyone hated me, but I hated myself the most. The hate I had for myself was everything my life revolved around.

I took a deep breath in. My weight shifted forward, and I felt the wind on my skin.

"Shawty?"Warren called out.

My foot hit the ground, and I was standing still. I slowly backed away from the edge. I attempted to wipe my tears away, but they already stained my cheeks.

"Shawty, you alright?"Warren asked, "I ain't hear you talking. I thought your clumsy ass fell over the edge."

He pushed through the shrubs to walk towards me. I gave him a soft smile, while he gave me the brightest one I've ever seen.

"I'm fine,"I responded. "I had a nice talk with the big guy upstairs."

"I knew you wo-"

A butterfly landed on his arm. He raised his hand to swat it away.

"What the hell? Get off me nigga,"He said as he swatted it away.

"It's a butterfly..."I said.

"Obviously, Shawty. Why it gotta land on me though?"He said with an annoyed tone. "Get off me, man."

"Maybes it's a sign?"I said.

That's when it clicked in my brain. I reached out to put my hand near the butterfly, but it flew away. Instead, my hand rested on his arm.

"It didn't like you,"He joked.

I looked up at the sky, smiling. He answered me.

"Thank you,"I shouted.

Warren was my sign.