Come to think about it

I didn't go to school today or even going to school tomorrow

Im not sure if my reason is valid but I hope it is

But Im just wondering

I know I like you

Correction

I love you.

But after what you sent me earlier made me think other wise

I know, youre concern about your grades, I know that well, even if iou dont show it

My right shoulder is said to be frozen and Im being asked to see a therapist to see if I need therapy

My left shoulder and wrist is hurting from time to time that I dont even know if I can move it as much as I used to

My mom is concerned of my sudden weiht change and sudden attitude Ive created over the past month

But why is it that the only thing thats clouding my mind is you?

Sure, I wasn't able to do my part for the journalism project that was asked for us to do last week but who am I to blame?

For not doing it? I was busy taking care of my cousins and making money for my so called future that i cant even have time to study or even fucking eat

For not doing my part? Im on the edge of failing math and science that Im so stuck up with completing those projects. Journalism isnt even a main subject. And do you know how much it will cost me if I get a red mark on my card for a main subject? It will legitimatly cause me my death, do you know that?

I will get disowned, placed in the streets and will be left with nothing. Not even my own clothes. And dont fucking tell me that im over exaggerating cause I was seriously kicked out of my house and had to stay in my cousin's house for 2 weeks until my mom fetched me back.

A failing mark on one of my main subjects will cause my death, either being disowned by my whole family or loose my entire existence.

Now dont @ me. Mg mom gives no fucks about minor subjects, so if I fail that, then who the fuck cares?

Apparently ny mom doesn't.

But who are you to call me a bitch? A slack off? A fake?

I am a fake, I admit. Im a plastic shit that always tries to change herself to fit in. To be like others. To be as normal as possible.

But how am i a bitch? Do you knwo how hard it is to live my life? I have to be dependent and earn money only to get what I want, i have to create painful lies to my parents to show them that i can be the perfect child they desire.

I have to sacrifice my time and effort teach my cousins and other kids and get nothing in return, and if they fail, I always get the blame.

I dont slack off. I barely get any rest. I have to start my mondays, Wednesdays and fridays with school and head off to my cousin's house to teach. I start my tuesdays and thurdays with school, then dance, then off to go teach once more.

My saturdays are filled with study groups and family meetings, my sundays are covered with house cleaning and more family meetings.

I attend more that 5 funerals a year because of relatives I barely know, I cant be myself all the time because Im so busy on trying to be normal.

Im trying. So hard. That i dont even know myself anymore.

How did I even started liking you?

Why did I have feelings for you?

Why am I such a fuck up and like you even if I know that Ill get disowned by my mom if I turn out to be gay.

Its so confusing.

I dont know if I should be sad, mad, tired or if I should just stay quiet.

I dont know why im crying. Is it because im tired? Sad? Heartbroken? Or is it because of my shoudlers again.

Im wasting so much time into typing this, even if my shoulders are burning, my eyes are blurry and my mind is confused

I wanna fucking dissappear, so much that it isnt even funny.

I say that so much that no one cares anymore. But who am I to blame?

I dont really know where or how to end this so bye.