Curtis Salazar

My mind goes blank. This has to be a symptom of when two guys kiss— I guess— because I can't explain it. And when I say blank, I don't actually mean blank blank. I mean, when my lips meet that of Timmy all other thoughts fly out the window like they don't belong in my head in the first place, all I can focus on is Timmy's lips on mine and Timmy himself and all the feeling bursting out of me.

The only time I've kissed and felt like this is during my first kiss with some girl whose name I've forgotten. I was really nervous and she was really beautiful, when I kissed her my mind went blank too. After that kissing kinda became a normal thing. I could be kissing a girl and wondering what I ate for breakfast and what I'd eat later. Infact I vaguely remember when Timmy went for a mini photoshoot somewhere and I couldn't go with him so I went on a date. The girl and I were involved in a pretty intense make out session and I paused to text Timmy because I had promised to text him every hour and I hadn't done so in the last hour. She got pretty upset but we still had sex.

Anyway, the point is, the both times I have kissed Timmy, I have been in a tight mental spot and the both times, his lips have managed to drive them out and make me feel like I have no problem in the world. And the feeling, wow— it's like all the nerve endings on my skin come out to stay on the surface and I can everything. My hands on his tiny frame feel unique like that is where they belong and like I can hold unto him forever. His lips are really soft and as they move with mine, my heart thumps feeling me with a kind of warmth that I've never experienced before. Timmy is happiness, Timmy is peace, Timmy is warmth and comfort, Timmy is... Love.

"Salazar!" Quinn yells like a mad person, dragging my name like he's playing the trumpet. Timmy breaks off the kiss like he's been electrocuted and turns his head to look at my friends who I don't even need to see them go know they are laughing and whistling. "Leave your boyfriend be. It's not like you're going away for war... yet."

My eyes never left Timmy's face and I see his face turn beet red at what Quinn said. I can't stop looking at him though, I'm trying to decipher the mystery behind what I'm feeling. Has Timmy always been this beautiful? His very pale skin that now looked ketchup red seemed like it is glowing and I just want to keep kissing his small pink- almost red- lips that look a bit swollen now and so attractive. Curtis! The fuck?! Curtis... Curtis... I blink...

"Curtis," Timmy's calls my name for what I believe to be the third time. I blink back into focus and see him raising a brow at me with an expression that looked like a teasing smile and a frown. He points and when I follow his hand, I see my friends still standing there. As soon as I look at them they burst into a new round of laughter.

"Dude was day dreaming," Quinn says again. "Run for your life Timmy."

"Don't worry, I know that feeling," Abel says, then winks. "Just be safe."

I roll my eyes and look back at Timmy who now looks like he wants to enter the ground. I cup his face, making him look at me with his glassy brown eyes. "Pay them no mind."

"Come on Curt," Warren calls, actually making me look at him now. "Team Sess."

I nod, then look back at Timmy. "Be right back," then I smile and ruffle his hair, making him faux glare at me.

I think about the second kiss with Timmy and Timmy himself and every new thing I'm feeling right until I'm in the locker room. I didn't even have time for Quinn and Abel's teasing, I was too engrossed in my mind and my heart. Am I evolving? Is this normal? The strangest part is, the feelings didn't feel all that foreign, no. They feel like really really familiar feelings. Like something I've lived and grown with and it's like it's just now I'm getting aware of it.

How do I explain this— okay, like I've had an added layer under my shoe that helps me walk better but I didn't know (maybe my mum put it there for me when I was asleep or something). Well, I don't know about the added layer and I keep walking with the shoe for years, feeling like it's a normal thing. Then someone makes me check out another shoe, like, maybe they want to buy it for me and I check it out and I see that it's different, not as comfortable as my shoe but then it's a normal shoe. Then it hits me that maybe my shoe is the one that isn't normal and I check it out and see the added layer and I'm like ohh.

"Curtis!" I snap out my slightly crazy thought—I am making myself mad— to see Warran raising a brow at me and all other boys looking at me. They look teasing though but Warren looks worried. "You good?"

"Um, yeah."

I try as much as possible to push Timmy out my mind and focus on what Warren is saying. It works because when I pay attention, I realize Warren is saying important stuff. Unlike the coach, they all congratulate me on my goals and try to cheer me up. Warren kindly points out my mistakes and possible corrections as he does with every other person including himself. When I leave the locker room, I feel better and I also feel worst. I can't explain this one even to myself. I feel better because at least with everything and the sport, I have good friends like Warren, Abel and even Quinn. They are here to encourage me and catch me when I fall. I feel worst because I have it at the back of my mind that I have to get drafted and I'm not good enough and I might never be good enough for the NHL people or even my teammates. I wish I can but— I want to do something else! I don't want to be stuck playing hockey for the rest of my life and I don't want to disappoint my dad or my friends.

My eyes sting and my skin starts prickling like they are worms on it, especially on my hair. I start pulling on my hair and scratching the itch on my skin and I feel like this is the beginning of a panic attack and my mind is screaming stop but my body isn't listening and—

"Hey," Timmy touches me. I am standing in the hallway, paused from walking out the building and here he is. As soon as his warm fingers touch mine, I feel like someone pours me warm water and all the worms fall off dead. My heart thumps but in a good way as it begins to slow down and I start hearing and feeling my surroundings again. I look at Timmy and he looks distracted. "Um- I'd meet you at your car, kay?"

I hold unto his hand before he can leave. Don't go. "Where are you going?"

He smiles, "have to go collect my stuff from Billy. Bitch disappeared at the field but I'm hoping she's in the office. I won't be long."

I nod but I don't let go.

Timmy notices and blinks at me and my hand over holding. "What?"

I sigh and let go. "Nothing."

"Bull," he accuses. Coming closer to me. "What?"

I sigh and lean down so my head is resting on his shoulder, not so comfortable given the height difference but eh. "I'm not feeling so good."

His fingers find my hair, "the game?"

I nod, closing my eyes as he massages my scalp. "I feel like I'm losing my mind. I also feel like the worst teammate and son in the universe."

Timmy's fingers move with purpose, "for trying to choose you? Don't. I think you're the best teammate because of everybody there you do the most work, physically and mentally and you're still there. And honestly, your father doesn't deserve you. He's a piece of shit."

I chuckle, "aren't you supposed to say, no offense?"

"None taken, all meant."

I laugh, hesitantly raising my head back up. "Aren't all father's piece of shits?"

"No," then he pauses to think. "That'll be too sad and you're asking the wrong person."

"I bet yours would have been one of the good ones."

He shrugs.

I feel better already. I think I have to give this a name— the Timmy effect. "Go get your stuff, I'd wait at the car."

He holds my hand, entwining our fingers together. "Let's go."

"I'm fine."

"I know. Damn sexy if you ask me."

"Whoa."

He winks and I burst out laughing.

*

Timmy and I don't go to the library— I mean, we go, sign in and shit but then leave. I am not in the mood to read or tutor and Timmy isn't in the mood to learn. We were still around the library though, walking around the building and the semi busy streets. There's a bunch of people around and open shops and kids on skates.

"Aren't you going to ask?" Timmy suddenly says after we walk around for some minutes in silence.

"Ask what?"

"Um, w-why I- I kissed you?" He stutters, making me focus my attention to him and away from the little girl with really dark thick hair curls that kept doing tricks with her cards while doing some gymnastics. Timmy starts moving his hands in sync with his lips and I can tell he is nervous, I just don't know why. "I mean, you have probably forgotten with everything but I'm kinda on edge and if we don't talk about it— like, if you don't ask me, I might be on edge for fucking ever. I know it's not big deal but I'm really sorry I sprung that on you without any planning in advance. It's just you seemed like you needed a d-distraction and earlier, before the game, Nadia approached me saying our relationship isn't all that believable to her and I figured we need to do more so I kinda took the opportunity and I know I should've told you first but please don't misunder—"

"Breathe," I finally cut him off, feeling so evil to have waited this long. I am enjoying the rambling though.

Timmy shut his eyes and actually breathed, taking a deep inhale and exhale. "Fuck you for telling me that just now."

I laugh, "I was enjoying you unraveling. You should see yourself, so cute."

He lightly shoves me, hardly making an impact. "As long as it's cute right?"

I roll my eyes, "Nadia really approached you. Tch, that girl is the craziest of her kind. How did I ever date her?"

Timmy shrugs, "she was cute?"

I grin, "oh that."

Now he rolls his eyes. "Anyway she didn't do any harm, just pointed out the obvious that our act needs more fire to keep the lie burning."

"Yeah," I scratch an itch on my chin. Then an idea pops in and I bring out my phone. "Let's take pictures, I'll post it on my insta." Timmy wordlessly closes the distance between us and I start taking pictures. We act foolish for a while, laughing at each other but still getting good pictures. Then after looking it over, Timmy decides it's too friendly, I agree and we decide to take it up a notch and go 'couple'. After taking some more pictures, my two favorites are when Timmy leans up and presses a kiss to my cheek and when I hug him from behind, nozzling my face in the crook of his neck. It looks so real, I startle for a moment staring at them.

"You guys look so good together," one lady says as she walks by with her husband (so I'm guessing) and dog.

Timmy and I exchange a look with Timmy's eyes a bit wide. I chuckle, "oh, thanks."

"Adorable!" She squeals and her husband (I'm still guessing) starts dragging her off, giving us an apologetic smile and laughing as his wife.

Timmy's still looking eye wide at me when I look back at him. "What?"

He face palms, "how can you be so calm? Now we're lying to strangers."

I roll my eyes, "we didn't lie. We didn't say shit, she came to that conclusion herself and I just thanked her for saying something nice."

He gives me a deadpan look, "you're unbelievable."

"Thanks," I blink at him. "You too."

I laugh after he stomps off and quick follow him, posting the two pictures on my feed. "I don't mind you kissing me without a planning," I suddenly say, remembering that I didn't answer him. "You're right, I needed the distraction and the kiss worked wonders."

Timmy's face transform before my very eyes, his cheeks looking red hot with his mouth open like he wants to say something but doesn't know what to. I laugh and help him close his mouth.

"I know right?" I start saying as if answering his unasked question. "I don't know what's happening to me too. I guess I'm more open than I thought."

"Curt," he finally talks and I just stare at him. How is he becoming more of a wonder everyday? "Don't say things like that to me."

"Why?"

"Because- because we can't get comfortable with this. I can't. It's all a lie, you being open to it or not. It's all a lie."

I didn't forget.

"Yeah," I nod. "Of course," I grin. "That doesn't stop the fact that I don't mind."

"I do!"

Now I actually blink blink, not expecting that. What is it even? "What?"

Timmy looks at me like he wants to say something else but can't. Then he looks away, "you won't understand."

"Try me, I'm pretty smart."

"I've realized," he says, giving me a sad smile. "It has nothing to do with smartness." He walks off and I stand dumbly for some seconds before going after him.

"Timmy, stop beating around—"

"If you actually love me, forget it!" he spits out, stopping me dead in my tracks. He didn't just throw that at me now. "Please."

I frown, closing the distance between us. "Ouch, not fair." I cup his face. "How am I supposed to forget it, when you look so pained?"

"I- I—" he gets distracted by something behind me and some of the sadness leaves his brown eyes. "Look."

I reluctantly turn around, still wearing a frown to see a dance group all dresses in black hoodie's and sweatpants, dancing at a corner. And when I say dancing, I don't mean the amateur one you usually see in streets corners, this one looked intense and professional. My eyebrows lift a bit in wonder. "Hmm."

"Hm?" Timmy looks at me like I have two heads, taking my hand and dragging me off towards the ground. "Are you kidding me? Look at their sick moves."

"I'm not in the mood," I groan but still looking at them. I can't not, I love this shit.

"Come on, it's hip hop!"

I slap my tongue against the roof of my mouth, "yeah, I'm more of a ballet guy."

Timmy shots me an 'are you kidding me look' and I manage a laugh at that. I'm an everything guy. I love hip hop, the little ballet I know and all other dance I've watched and learned and practiced over the years. I am very flexible when it comes to dancing and I want to believe I can fit in any areas. Timmy and I spend the next thirty minutes watching the dance group, they look a bit other than us, like college students and they look like they don't come from around here. They were four guys and three girls in total— two black guys, two white guys, one white girl, one black girl and one Mexican girl— their group looks beautiful and on their identical black hoodie's they had Dance Tramps written boldly over it. When they were done with the dance they had going on, we hailed and clapped like we knew them from somewhere before and then one of the black guys with really low cut hair stepped forwards with a mic.

"What's up Massachusetts?!" He yelled and all the people gathering around clapped and yelled, including us. "Thank y'all for watching really. We're the—"

"Dance Tramps!" The group yelled, taking poses that made Timmy giggle.

The guy continued, "—and we're kind of on a tour going city to city, making new friends, meeting new people. Like some of you have heard of us, aye?"

"Yes!" Some people in the crowd yell and Timmy and I just exchanged looks.

"S'okay if you haven't, you have now. So anyone around know how to dance? Like come show us some moves someone, we'd like to see!" He yelled, causing some more yelling and cheering.

"Go," Timmy whispers.

I look at him like he has two heads, "what? No way."

"Come on, you've always wanted to do something like this."

"Yes," I drawl. "But no. Remember my father?"

"Remember he's not here? Now or never."

"Timmy—"

"Anyone? Someone?" The guy asks again, looking around.

"Over here!" Timmy shouts and I turn to glare at him.

"Yes, yes!" The guy says and people around us start parting until Timmy and I are in view. Sweat that coming off me in quantities and I just cross my hand pretending I don't know what's going on. Oh my God! "Who is it? Please don't be shy, we're all friends here."

"Curtis," Timmy says, chant mood and starts clapping. "Curtis. Curtis. Curtis." People around us join in clapping and calling my name like they know me. "Curtis! Curtis!"

I sigh, fuck my life. "It's me."

"Yes, Curtis, please come over and show us what you've got."

I glare at Timmy giving him the middle finger before I walk out, going to join the guy 'on stage'. We shake hands and I'm given the mic to introduce myself. I do and everything from then on is kind of a blur. A song is played for me— Commitment Issues by Central Cee — I am asked if it's okay and I agree because I love British Rap and I've actually danced to it a lot in my room.

I do love you Timmy and I'm going to pretend like I forgot.

My eyes remain on me as my legs move faster than my mind. My body feeling at ease and moving like it's been waiting for this moment.

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i wanna be there for you, i knew that the day i saw you — central cee