Timmy Liu McKenzie

My throat is parch and probably injured, I have done way too much yelling today and I know it. I thought Curt being on the ice is the most spectacular thing and he can't wow me anymore than he can then but I was wrong because Curt being anyway and being himself is the most spectacular thing. Curt dancing with the European/American dance group looks so good, like that's what he is on the earth to do, to dance and not only I can see that.

After just one dance, the entire people are hailing him and chanting his name, including the group. He is asked to dance another with different moves and he nails it as well. Then he dances with the group and although they are professionals and he's not, you can hardly tell. After all is done the leader of the group— the one who has been their spokesperson— who I now know as Connor, asks Curt a few questions (what dancing school does he attend, how many years has he been dancing, what group is he in, was he interested in going pro with dancing etc) and after Curt answers, I don't think I'm the only one who's in love with him anymore. Curt spends some more time with the group and I can see it in the way his eyes glows that he loves it where he is, he has no absolutely no regrets and that's wonderful because I was actually scared when I made him go out there— anything could have happened.

It is getting late so Curt exchanged numbers with them and we go back home, to his house anyway because I am craving hot chocolate so bad. Curt is so excited, like a little kid who has finally tasted candy for the first time, he couldn't stop talking and bouncing on his seat or feet.

"And that Connor guy, oh my gosh," Curtis groans, leaning backwards dramatically. "They say he's the leader and hardly finds anybody's dancing good enough but he thinks I'm good, like really good. The fuck, Timmy!" I laugh, watching him as he makes my drink the way I like it. Sweat, creamy with marshmallow. "I almost got a fucking heart attack dancing there with all those eyes on me. Like how did I not fumble?!"

"You just didn't," I laugh and he hands me the finished drink. "If you were scared or nervous, I swear it didn't show. You looked really at home and your moves were fast and perfectly executed."

He nods, "Connor said the same thing except for the perfect part. He said I was fast and neat and although I needed more training on actually pro dancing, I was way pass the novice part. I was really close to dancing with the 'big guys'." Curt puts air quotes. "I have no idea who the big guys are but that is a huge compliment, right?"

"Of course," I drop my hot mug down and grab his hands. "I think the big guys are their likes and probably Julliard student status and of course you're good, you've been dancing all your life."

I get flashes of the moments back when we were little and growing when Curt would rush to me and interrupt me from whatever I am doing to watch him execute a dance move he had seen on YouTube, IG or Tik Tok. When we'd be watching a movie— mostly dance movies— and he'd pause mid watch to do whatever it is the people on the screen did. Sometimes he passed, sometimes he failed. Moments when be failed, I was sure the next week were going to be filled with him practicing the moves until he got it right. And when he did get it right, all the torture of getting interrupt and annoyingly pausing the movie half way starts to make sense because the joy in his eyes and on his face makes it all worth it.

Curt keeps his clear eyes on me, then he takes my hand and puts it over his heart. "Feel that? It's beating so hard. I've never felt something like this before."

"That's the rush that comes from doing something you love."

Curtis freezes for a bit and I feel him go still beneath my palms. I blink at him and he just keeps his eyes on me like he's seeing something foreign. "What?" I ask and when he doesn't say anything, I look around us starting to frown. Curtis bites his lips and looks away.

"Nothing."

"Really? Why are you being weird?"

"Ever felt something like this before? This rush?"

I nod without thinking about it, "when I got my first gig and almost everyday that I get to take pictures of—"

"Of?" He prods.

I blush, looking away from his hypnotizing eyes. "Of- you." I swallow and look back at his eyes and for the first time I couldn't pin point the feeling behind those gold flecks. I panic and shrug, "it's an honor I guess."

Curtis leans forward a bit, "ever get it from- from... kissing?"

"K-kissing?"

He nods slowly, looking at me with weird curiousity. "When you kissed that dude? What exactly did you feel?"

Nothing really... But with you—

"Kissing is different," I start, in hindsight, definitely under a spell. "It's a rush alright and at the same time, it isn't really. It's like an electrocution. You feel it everywhere, starting from your lips down to your very toes. It's one place and everywhere at the same time. Uncontrollable, unimaginable. Everything seems to slow down and it's like someone lights a match—"

"In your fucking heart," Curtis completes and my eyes snap up to meet his. He's looking at me and it's making me feel almost everything I just finished explaining, except my heart isn't on fire, it's in a fucking tap dance competition.

I swallow, licking my dry lips and pretending I didn't see Curtis's eyes follow the movement. "Y-you... You've felt that before?"

He nods.

My lips move in what my mind thinks would be a small fake smile but even I know is actually a grimace. "Which girlfriend?"

"Timmy, I—"

"And the teacher thought Angelina was better than me mum," The voice of Curtis's to fourteen years old sister says, sounding really close and startling us both. We didn't hear them come in. "There's a parent teacher meeting and it's absolutely not my fault."

"If you could stop talking Amy Salazar, I'd really appreciate it," Curtis's mom says, her heels clicking on the tile as she got closer. Curtis shots off the seat, walking to the sink to pretend to be busy. "I have had a long day and you're not helping with all the—" she walks into the kitchen and stops at the sight of me.

I smile and get down the stool, "good evening Mrs Salazar."

"Evening Timmy," she walks in further, going to the fridge. "How are you?"

"I'm fine, just dealing with school's stress."

"Hm," she doesn't even smile or nod. "And how's your mom?"

"She's doing well."

"Good for you both," she turns to Curt. "Curtis, isn't it a bit late? I reckon you're supposed to be in bed now, your father won't be pleased to see you here awake and chatting."

"Yeah, I was just about leaving," I say, gulping down the rest of my now warm chocolate. "Goodnight, Mrs Salazar."

"Goodnight, Timmy."

Curt sees me off to the door and I could tell his excitement from earlier is a bit drained now. I promise to text and scurry off, grateful that I didn't meet his dad instead. It's strange, for a family that I grew up around, you'd expect us to actually behave like family but then it's the complete opposite. They don't even behave like family to themselves.

I come home, hoping to just sneak into my room without any more drama and I find my mom passed out on the sofa with a full bottle of whiskey opened in front of her and a show playing on the television. My heart drops and I stand watching the scene for what feels like an hour but is actually a minute or two.

"Fucking hell, mom?" I call but I don't expect her to answer, she's clearly passed out and my voice comes out in a whisper. I move to turn off the television and cover her up.

"What if she's dead?" I asked, my voice cracking as the tears wouldn't stop falling. It was raining dogs and cats out and I had just gotten a call that my mom was drunk out of her mind and passed out in a club. I panicked and ran over to call Curtis or his parents, thankfully I met Curtis first and he decided we'd take a cab and not tell his parents. I was twelve years old.

"If she was dead, we'd be going to a morgue instead Timmy," Curtis said, his feet bouncing and his eyes on the driver's seat.

I don't know if Curtis meant that to cheer me up but it failed miserable because I broke out into a loud sob instead. I hear him sigh and move closer to me, wrapping his arms around me in a tight. "She's fine, Timmy. We'd just escort her out and bring her home." I could only nod in response.

We got to the bar soon enough and Curtis and I ran out the cab, begging the cab man to wait for us a minute and running to get into the bar.

"Hold up, no kids allowed!" One man standing by the door said, keeping us out. "Go home!"

"We just want to pick someone inside," Curtis said.

"Call 'em!"

"Get out the way my mom's inside there!" I screamed at his face, pushing at him and after giving us a look, he moves out the way muttering something along the lines of 'what do I care?'. Curt and I made our way in and surely there my mom was on the barstool, not quite passed out anymore but completely plastered, talking shit to the bar man.

"Mom?" I call, not believing my eyes. My mom was a teacher and a classy put together Asian woman. Not some drunkard at a bar.

"Timothy!" She cheered, laughing and hiccuping and throwing her arms around me. "Timothy Liu McKenzie, my son, so glad of you to join us."

"You boys her sons?" The bar man asked and Curtis answered by nodding, I remained too shocked to do anything. "You're way to young. No older person at home?"

"None," Curtis answered.

"Damn shame. Aight, just get her out here okay. Can't take any more of her trouble."

"Timmy, Timmy," My mom cupped my face, her bleary eyes trying to focus on me. "Mom's sad okay, mom's really sad and broken and lost. We have no one," she chuckles, pausing to hiccup and possibly take the upcoming vomit back in. "Your father, the piece of complete American shit, disappeared." More laughter. "Doesn't even know of you amazing existence. And probably placed a curse on me to be lonely for life."

"Mom-" I call hopelessly, unable to say anything as tears won't let me.

"But we'd shame him, yeah?" She cupped my face harder, hurting me a bit in the process. "You're already growing into a fine young man. You'd get married to some fine girl and give me lots of grandkids. Then it's your father, it's him who would be lonely. Yeah?"

"Y-yeah," I agreed, nodding and crying.

"Come on, get her out of her. Can't have kids in here!" The barman shouts.

"Let's go Mrs Liu," Curtis said, taking one side of her while I take the other side. The walk out the bar turned out to be a difficult mission and mom threw up in the bar and the car. I paid up all my piggy bank savings in cab money that day.

Mom didn't speak of it the next day. I woke up to see her all cheery, fixing me breakfast like nothing had happened. I didn't bring it up either and smiled right back.

It has become something that happens since then. I specifically learned driving because I had to be able to pick my mom up sometimes. Sometimes she drank at home, sometimes in her car, sometimes in a bar but all for the same reason— sadness and loneliness. In a way I am lonely too but then I have Curt to feel up that void for me, my mom has no one. I wonder if my dad who doesn't even know I exist was that person for her. And if he was, does that imply Curtis would leave me too. What would it take for that to happen? A confession? A kid? Why exactly did my dad disappear.

And so my unanswered list of questions go... Unanswered.

I cover my mom up well, tidy up the place a bit and leave for my room, slumping down on my bed with a brewing headache. Twenty seconds into lying down, my phone chimes. It's a text from Curt— actually a series of text from Curt. He had texted a while back after I left his house.

I'm scared — received at 9:55 pm

I just had the best day out doing what my father hates and now I'm back on my bed, scared out my mind that I won't be able to do it again — received at 9:58 pm

I mean, this is what being a weak coward feels like. I get it now, the total sense of uselessness. Of helplessness. I'm losing my mind Timmy — received at 10:03 pm

I'm tired — received at 10:10pm

I wish you were here — received at 10:11pm

How come, in the entire world, for the part Eighteen years, you're the only one who I can talk to, who gets it, who makes me not feel so alone, who makes it all better — received at 10:30 pm

I sit up, reading the text again and again and checking to see if there's a trick question in there. There's none I see and my heart responds to it inappropriately.

Is there a compliment in there that I'm not catchin? — sent at 10:32 pm

I'm not joking, really — received at 10:32 pm

I swallow and send back. 10:33pm — maybe we're soulmates.

Timmy? The fuck?!

Maybe — received at 10:35pm

Goodnight Timmy — received at 10:35pm

I sigh. I probably shouldn't have sent that.

Goodnight Curt — sent at 10:36 pm

But then I can't sleep, I get an idea and I spend the next three hours looking for a necklace that I last saw when I was seven years old. It takes a lot and I almost give up but then, I need it for Curt and I know it's still around here somewhere. When I find it, I spend the rest of the night smiling and wishing for morning to come as quickly as possible.

*

"Staying late at Curtis's has to stop," my mother is saying as she packages I and Curtis's lunch. "The streets can be dangerous too and if you're not going to sleep over there, then I want you back latest eight o'clock."

"It's just around here," I answer, chewing on toast. "Who'd come mug me on my own street?"

"Mrs Sweet, a fellow teacher, was nearly strangled in her own house. Jebal Timothy!"

Jebal means please in Korean and my mom never goes Korean unless she is really furious, about to spank me or rambling about something important.

"Okay," I agree, then because I couldn't resist— "although she was probably strangled because her name is Sweet. Like, maybe they expected something sweet to happen and it didn't. How can you be Sweet in this economy?"

"Timmy," she scolds, smacking my shoulder and laughing with me. Although, I bet she'd never agree she laughed, joining in teasing a co worker. "What do you know about this economy?"

"A lot," I answer, lifting my camera up to my face. "Say 'I love you'"

"I love you!" She says, lifting two fingers up and making a slanted V sign over her eyes. I laugh and take the picture, inspecting it as I get up and take my plates to the sink.

I kiss her cheek, packing up our lunch and now she doesn't scold me for picking up American ways and lets me be. "Bye, love you."

"Give my best to Curtis."

"Sure."

I'm pretty sure my mom hates America but then she can't go back to Asia either and she's stuck here. I don't know if she hates it's here because her life kinda exploded on her face or if it's mainly because of my dad. But then, I'm part American and she can't hate it as much as she wants to. Sometimes I pity my mom— I wonder what her life would've been like if she hadn't had me. I know it's because of me she's stuck here. I know it's because of me she couldn't go further with her education as was the plan when she immigrated and I know it's because of me she works morning until late everyday just to make sure I don't lack anything and never feel inferior among my mates. I already have my college funds ready, it's pretty awesome and if I wanted a car, I bet my mom would see that I get one too. Although thankfully, I don't think it's because of me my father disappeared, he doesn't even know I exist. Right? Right.

My mom's awesome in every way and one in a million, despite her little flaws and that's why I can never hurt her.

I leave the house, about to start making my way over to Curt's when I see his car coming and stop. Hm, he's early. Curtis drives and stops beside me, coming out the car before I have the chance to go in.

"Hey," he greets, walking over to my side.

"Hey," I greet back and it kinda has a question mark at the end. "How come you're early?"

"Couldn't sleep. Honestly the sun is fucking betrayer. When you want it to come up fast, it doesn't and when you don't want it to, it does. The nerve of it." I chuckle and he smiles. "Anyway, I came to open the door for you. We have to get more serious about our 'relationship'."

I roll my eyes, then I remember that I have something for him. "Oh, yes, I've got something for you." I take out my bag and bring out the necklace that stole three hours of my night. Curtis looks so curious and somehow excited. I laughed and showed it to him, "tada!"

He takes it out my hand, looking at it thoroughly, then recognition flashed through his eyes. "It's your necklace."

I nod, "now yours. If you want it."

Curtis gives me a look, his lips up in a smile. "Why are you giving this to me? You wore it for about three years, never taking it off and not telling me why."

Yeah, my mom gave it to me when I wouldn't stop crying and having nightmares. I was being kinda bullied and teased in school for having a mum that was a teacher and having no dad. My mom only came for parents and teacher meeting and other teachers favored me more back then because they all knew my mom. The kids in school wouldn't let me be and when it first started, I wasn't that close to Curtis yet and I didn't feel like telling him about my problems and he stopped asking after sometimes.

The necklace had some thin broom-like pendant in front with some red, yellow and green thin wool wrapped around it— it is a dragon. Can't really tell at first glance but if you really look, you'd make out the dragon shape. Then behind it was another rectangular golden pendant with three green stones dotted on it and words written on it in Korean.

I pointed at the dragon, "this is a dragon and back in East Asia, dragons signify bravery and strength. Then this, is a talisman, or at least that's what my mom told me. The words here spell BRAVE."

"Timmy..."

I take the necklace from him and unclasp it, standing on my tiptoes to put it around his neck, he complies and leans down a bit though. Once it's clasped good on his neck, I smile at him, fixing up his tie. "I understand how you feel and I'm so sorry, I can't be of any help to you but you're no coward Curtis Salazar and you shouldn't ever feel like one. It's your life and your dad can't rule it for much longer."

Curtis bites on his lips, his nose a bit red like he's fighting tears and then he wraps his arms around me in a hug. "You're so much help to me Timmy Liu McKenzie and I don't know what I'd ever do without you."

I hug him back, feeling my heart swell and my tummy go buzzing with butterflies.

"I always knew you had something to do with shamans," he says, breaking off the hug and making me shove him a bit. He laughs, holding unto the dragon. "I never knew this was a dragon but now I see it. Did it work for you?"

"I think so."

"I'm never taking it off then."

"That's your call. I don't recommend bathing with it though."

Curtis grins, looking so innocent and boyish and then he leans down and does the unexpected— a kiss on my cheek. "Thank you Timmy."

I freeze, my hand going up and over my heart.

Shit, Curtis is going to be the death of me.

But there's something different about him, he's way more freer and touchy and kissy with me. What the hell is going on? Is the universe trying so hard to punish me for agreeing to a fucked up deal? I think lying with Curt is going to get me killed, by my own heart.