2/24/17

"MAXINE?" I CALL out from the living room as I snuggle the soft blanket closer to my body.

"Yeah?" she questions as she walks out of her room from the corner. I peak my head over the couch to spot her running a comb through her day old auburn curls. Her hair still shiny and annoyingly perfect without even trying. Maxine's wearing the leggings and T-shirt she always wears to work before changing into the cheesy dinner outfit they make the waitresses wear.

"Oh," I breathe out. "You have work?" I ask a tad discouraged. Grayson is away with Cale for the weekend, and while Chase and I have spoken here and there, and even gotten coffee a few times we still aren't where we once were. That will take time. So I was hoping to hang out with Maxine tonight to take my thoughts off of things. Those things being how much I miss Grayson, how much I miss Chase and mine's old friendship, and the way my heart aches at the thought of how much I truly miss Clayton.

A sad smile lifts her lips. "Sorry," she apologizes earnestly. "I'm covering for a friend," she explains.

I slump back on the couch with a dramatic sigh of defeat. "Well maybe I could tag along," I suggest suddenly perking up at the idea. "I still haven't seen where you work," I tell her placing my crossed arms over the back of the worn couch then resting my chin on them.

Her body tenses slightly as she turns and heads for the kitchen to grab a glass of water. "Um...." she trails awkwardly before gulping down half of the glass in one go. "It's out in the middle of nowhere and the food isn't even that good plus my boss can be a complete ass," she says her words pouring out quickly. Almost like she's pulling at excuses. Needing them.

"Is everything okay?" I inquire a part of me realizing that she always gets a little twitchy when the subject of her job gets brought up. She's just a waitress at an old dinner, why's she so uptight about such a mundane job?

"Yeah," she drawls. "I'm just running late," she tells me as she heads towards her room and grabs her small duffel bag. "Got to go, see you later," she waves before practically running out our front door.

"Bye," I mutter to myself before tossing my body back on to the pillows on the couch. I love Maxine but she's always hiding parts of herself and it makes me sad that she still isn't comfortable enough to share fragments of herself with Grayson and me.

Even though Grayson wasn't the biggest fan of her when she first moved in, even she had to admit how amazing Maxine is not only as a person but a friend. She's beyond sweet and giving and goes above and beyond for the people she cares about. But there's this feeling that she's always holding something back. Pieces of her that don't yet create a full picture, because she pulls up a guard to block anyone from knowing the truth. Her truth, whatever it is.

A loud knock sounds on the door and my ears perk up hoping it's Maxine deciding she doesn't have to go to work anymore and we can hang out. Order Chinese food, eat cookie dough, and laugh at terribly cheesy rom-coms.

I toss the soft throw off of my body and walk up to the front door. My hand twists the doorknob to pull the door open to reveal the last person I thought I would ever see again.

"Colt?" I question my voice filled with evident shock with my body frozen.

"Hey," he states causally pushing past me and escaping the cold to enter my warm apartment. He strolls in as if him coming here isn't completely random even though it doesn't make one bit of sense.

I close the door slowly and turn on my heels to face the one man I never thought I'd set eyes on after Christmas. "What are you doing here?" I question still taken back that he's here and in my apartment.

His dark eyes rake over me as he sits down on one of the stools at the kitchen island. Setting down a small bag on the counter next to him. He watches me as if he still isn't sure he should be here, but he is here. Why?

I almost open my mouth to speak when Colt's words stop me. "I told you not to hurt my brother," he states with a harsh sigh. "And you ended up hurting both of them in the end," he tells me. His words cut though my still tender heart reopening wounds that I thought had already healed. But his presence and words effectively prove my heart wrong.

My sweaty palms run over my leggings in feeble attempts to calm the nerves racing through my veins. "I didn't mean to," I say quietly.

"And yet you did," he replies with darkened eyes locked on me.

I can't help but snap at his accusatory words. "Colt, I don't need this," I say bitterly taking a few steps towards him. "My actions did hurt them but that doesn't mean they didn't hurt me in return. They broke pieces of me that I didn't even know could break. I'm trying to fix myself now so I really don't need this shit especially from you," I tell him my words turning sour at the end. He acts as if hurting his brothers didn't hurt me in an irreversible way as well. The fact is this winter break has marked my soul in way that has permanently burned me.

His eyebrows shoot up as if he's shocked I fought back. "What's that suppose to mean?" he questions with a slight sneer painting over his face.

I don't want to attack him, but he also needs to be set straight. "You aren't ever around Colt," I tell him candidly. "Do you know how alone Chase has felt for years because the rest of you leave him out," I continue to speak honestly. I don't want to step on anyone's toes, especially anymore with this family than I already have. But they also need to know, because for some reason they seem to be unaware of how their actions affect others.

He lets out a scoff. "I'm busy," he counters lamely.

I tilt my head as a sad smile touches my lips. "And so are Cale and Clayton," I tell him as my shoulders lift in a helpless shrug. "Everyone's too busy for him," I add hating the way my throat clogs with overwhelming emotion for my friend. Our relationship is far from perfect right now, but he also hasn't had the best time growing up and not having a brother to turn to in a time of need.

Colt shakes his head. "Well, he could've opened up to us sooner," he tries with a sigh to justify his actions for never being there for his youngest brother.

"He didn't feel comfortable Colt," I tell him truthfully. My gaze then narrows in on Colt, on his intense body language and observant eyes. "But you seem to know everything," I comment dryly as I take a step forward remembering the way he looked at me the moment I was introduced as Chase's girlfriend. The way he doubted it, the way he commented about me not hurting Clayton at the Christmas party. "So did you know?" I ask with watchful eyes.

He pauses as if not expecting me to flat out question him. As if it's something not many people do in his life. He drops his gaze from mine as if I caught the one thing he might be uncomfortable being confronted about. "I did," he states with a stiff exhale.

My hands rise before slapping against my legs in annoyed confusion. "Why didn't you talk to him?" I push.

He shrugs lightly. "Because what if I was wrong?" he counters. "That just makes me look even more like an ass," he says responding to his own question. The corner of my lips twitch at his wording. At least he's aware he's an ass already.

I let out an exasperated sigh over this conversation with this specific Hasting. "Why are you even here Colt?" I question with the slight tilt of my head. He didn't just come here to talk to me, did he? "Your whole family hates me," I tell him as if his presence here isn't enough to be weird.

"Hmm...." he trails with a hum before standing up from the stool. He leisurely makes his way over to the door I'm still cowering by even with my few steps towards him I never made it too close. He's someone to always keep a safe distance from. His penetrating gaze washes over me and I feel as if he can see everything. One look and I feel as if he can read me like an open book. It's a bit frightening honestly to feel as if I can't hide my true feelings around him.

"What?" I inquire as I cross my arms in a way to feign confidence.

"They don't all hate you," he tells me openly.

My eyebrows scrunch together and my body pulls back in confusion from his words. "What's that suppose to mean?" I counter.

"That they want to hate you," he admits. "But they can't," he adds with a nod before walking around me heading towards the front door.

"Wait," I call after him still completely perplexed by this whole visit. "You're leaving?" I ask not understanding Colt's surprise visit and now random departure. What is he even doing in Illinois?

A smirk pulls at his lips. "I have a bachelor party to attend," he states simply.

"Whose?" I question slowly. He came all this way to go to a bar and a strip club?

"Mine," he tells me with a glimmer in his dark eyes.

"What?" I laugh out. Colt isn't engaged...is he? I then realize how little of this man's life I know.

"Enjoy the gift," he calls out just before the door slams behind him. And just like that I am alone in my apartment as if Colt didn't just come in here and confuse the hell out of me.

His words ring in my ears as my eyes fall to the small bag he brought and left on the counter. A part of me wants to throw it away and not even think twice about the gift. It's probably something I left at their house. It's not an actual gift. Who in their family would get me a gift after I almost destroyed their family?

The sudden idea that this gift could be from Clayton sends my pulse into overdrive. But it couldn't be. Could it? I want to ignore Colt's words and the mystery gift he left behind. I want to forget about everything and go back to the couch and fall asleep watching TV reruns. But curiosity wins out and I take the few steps to bring me right up to the kitchen island. I open the bag cautiously, almost as if I'm scared to see the contents. But then I peak inside.

"A book?" I question aloud.

I lift the book out and set it on the counter to see it's the one I read the first night I found the library all those nights ago. My mother's favorite book. A Walk to Remember.

But why do I have it now?

I look in the bag once again to see if there is a note, but the bag is empty. I grab ahold of the book hesitantly and open the front cover almost as if I know I'm going to see words that will stop my heart all together. Words that will change everything. Because I do, I see a handwritten note from Clayton.

Hayley,

I don't know where to begin honestly. While I love books more than anything, I am no writer. So I thought I would let the books do the talking instead.

Today I give you a book that's more than just a sappy romance novel. I give you a piece of me. This was Scarlett's favorite book. The only book she would ever read really. She read it so many times I lost count. I've only read it once and while it's a good book I never truly understood why she loved it so much.

But I do now.

Clay

My heart doesn't just stop. Everything stops. Time. The world. Air itself stops as my lungs heave for its next breathe in complete disarray about the words I just read. Fire burns through my lungs and courses through my veins consuming everything in its path until I'm nothing.

Everything becomes still as tears brim my eyes and my soul fights to take over. To take over and forget about my fragile heart and run straight back into the arms of this man.

At the bottom of the page he notes he highlighted some of his favorite lines and passages in the story. I hastily flip through the pages stopping and reading at some of the quotes. Quotes that obviously meant something to him, words that made him stop and think of me. Think of us together. Our days albeit short and numbered were filled with a passion that fills our bones with a love that is special beyond reasoning.

My hands shake slightly at the idea that he gave me a book that meant so much to him. It belonged to someone he loved dearly. Someone he wanted to marry and spend his life with. And here he is giving me this book. What does this mean for for me and him? For us?

"There are moments when I wish I could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but I have the feeling that if I did, the joy would be gone as well."

This passage from the book stop me completely.

Our past pains have defined us in ways that we can't change. Ways that we wouldn't wish on anyone else ever. But our damaged hearts have helped us find a joy now that we wouldn't have without that pain. We had to learn true agony to learn and appreciate what we cultivated in such a short time. Something we can't always see, but we can always feel.

I spend the rest of the night reading the book over again. Reading and reading again the lines Clayton highlighted especially for me. A faint smile would break out at certain lines, and my heart would bloom and begin to mend at others.

And even though I want to with every fiber of my being, I don't call or text him.

I wait for his next move, and I was right to wait. Because a couple days later I receive another book.

Another book with a simple note and highlighted passages that make my insides flip and my lips grin.

But it also contains something else. A small plastic golden chip.

A sobriety chip stating he is a month sober.

And once again everything stops. Because he isn't trying anymore.

He's doing.