1/26/17

THE COLD WINTER air whips around the building and hits me in the face making my eyes water from the frigid air. The sun doing little to help warm up the day so far.

Being back at school for my last semester is an odd feeling. I'm more aware of myself, and my actions then ever before. I ended up spending a whole week with my mother to begin to try and mend the relationship I broke. It's almost like meeting someone completely new. Little things about her that I remember just don't apply to her life at this time. She grew and changed over the years, just as I have.

I'm starting the new year knowing in four months I will be graduating and entering the real world. But not everyone I want by my side is surrounding me like I once thought they would. I use to picture Chase, Grayson, and me taking pictures together after crossing that monumental stage. Tossing our graduation caps in the air, eating cake, and drinking too much champagne. Every image that I once pictured has started to curl and fade at the edges. Knowing that I haven't spoken to Chase since Christmas pulls at my chest in a way that mixes pain with an ever-growing sadness that winds its way through my veins.

A part of me hoped Clayton would internalize my outing of his brother and not say anything. But through Grayson I know that isn't what happened. Cale called her in a fit hating that his brother felt the need to lie to him and his whole family. He also called to inform Grayson as if she wasn't already aware of his brother's sexuality. I held her hand as she admitted to knowing the truth. As another layer of secrecy became unveiled. Cale wasn't happy that she knew and never told him, but he also understood that it wasn't her secret to share.

A piece of him also understood more of why I did what I did. I know he still isn't a fan of me in any way. But he respected what I did for his brother.

It's a very unusual feeling to have everything out in the open. To not be hiding anything any longer. Not Chase's secrets, not my own, and in a way it's completely freeing. But in a larger way it still sucks. Because telling the truth doesn't fix everything. I still haven't seen or spoken to Chase even though I have texted and called him a few times, and I know Clayton will never speak to me again. I made him feel like a lesser person who sleeps with his brother's girlfriend, and then proceeded to out his brother in a way that even now shames me in a way that cuts deep to the bone.

I drop my head and shrink into my scarf attempting to stay warm in the single digit weather. My eyes focus on the cement sidewalk, and my feet crunch against the salt and continue to move my body against the harsh wind. I take a few more steps when feet enter my vision. I lift my head, but before I can take in my surroundings my body crashes into another unable to stop my feet from pulling me forward. My hands hit a down jacket and my headphones fall out of my ears in the process.

"Sorry," I mutter as I catch my footing and pull my headphones back up to place them once again in my ears. But as I'm fidgeting with the cord my eyes lock on a pair of familiar hazel eyes. Eyes I haven't seen in a month.

We both stare at each other for an elongated second trying to figure out what to say or if we should even speak at all. At the exact same moment we turn and continue down the sidewalk, heading in the same direction. I almost forgot our colleges are placed on campus right next to each other. In the past if we had classes at the same time we would walk together.

Those walks are a stark contrast to the walk happening now. Silence dangles in the air between us thickening by the passing seconds and mimicking the wind by wrapping against us. Chilling us. Choking us.

I want to speak. I have to speak. The walk isn't long ten minutes max. I don't know when I will see him again. If after this he will come from the other side of campus to avoid me. Avoid the friendship we built that all came tumbling down with a caught moment and a few ill-choice words.

I wet my wind-dried lips before starting. "I am so sorry Chase," I tell him hating the way my body tenses for his reaction, his words. Afraid they will hurt and push the dagger that's already in my heart a little deeper.

His body locks and his walk slows a bit. His head twists and his eyes lock on mine, the sadness filling them to the brim.

"Hayley—" he starts.

But I cut him off at the fact he is even acknowledging me. His singular word kicks me into overdrive and I feel the need to say everything in fear I won't get another chance again.

"No! I am seriously so sorry," I apologize again. "I didn't mean to hurt you or your family, and I certainly never intended to out you. Everything happened so fast and it just slipped out, but that doesn't excuse what I did. It was hurtful and disgusting and I hate myself for it. You have to know I would never consciously ever hurt you or anyone in your amazing family," I tell him in a rush as my pulse pounds from within me. "I love them," I admit vulnerably. And I do. I love his kind but stern mother. I love his teasing and warmhearted father. I even love Cale and Colt.

But I love Clayton in a way that has permanently been etched into my heart. He taught me so much more then he will ever know. Not only how to feel when for so long I craved the numbness, but also how to love. And not only him, but myself. My desire to live in this cold and detached world gradually turned into one where I wanted to mend the broken relationships around me. Step by step without even realizing it I wanted to become the person my father would be proud of, I wanted to feel everything in this world, I wanted to not be so adrift anymore.

"I can't act like you didn't hurt me Hayley," he confesses whilst dropping his head slightly so his gaze locks on the concrete below us. His words grate at my heart, but they also fill me with the smallest bit of ease that he's even speaking to me. "That you hooking up with my brother behind my back and outing me to him as well didn't put me in situations that hurt me," he says with a raspy sigh.

"Chase—" I begin, though I only get his name out before he cuts me off.

"But I am sorry for saying what I did to you that night," he finishes, and those words cause not only my heart to still but my feet as well. Chase catches that I've stopped moving and turns to face me. "I should've never called you a slut. That was uncalled for. And I definitely shouldn't have acted like you can't feel anything for someone," he apologizes as his eyes lift to meet mine.

His words wash through me and I realize in this moment how I much I needed his apology as well. I knew I had to own up to my actions, but I didn't know till now how much my heart needed for him to say he doesn't view me in the way that cut at my heart. "Thanks," I murmur not knowing how else to respond.

"Did you really love Clayton?" he asks suddenly. His question catches me completely off guard and I drop my gaze from his unable to look him in the eye and also feel what I feel for his brother.

I clear my throat hating the thickness that fills it at the thought of answering his question. At answering his question truthfully. "Um..." I trail awkwardly. "I still do," I confess hating the way my heart stills at the idea of never having him again. But it hurts less than it use to. It doesn't keep up at night anymore. It doesn't make me cry myself to sleep. It's a deep resounding ache still, but that ache doesn't consume my life or me anymore.

Chase's wind burned cheeks hollow as he exhales a puff of hot air turning the wind around us slightly foggy. "Wow," he states unable to form another word for a few lingering seconds. "I don't mean to sound even more like an ass, but how?" he questions. And the question doesn't make him sound like an ass, at least to me. Because he knew me, all my lost and broken bits, and all I spoke about was using men and never falling in love. But here I am saying I love his brother after not even a month of knowing him. It sounds even crazy to my own ears.

A small shrug lifts my shoulders. "At night when I couldn't sleep I would go to the library," I start at first truly not knowing where to begin. Because at times my relationship with Clayton doesn't even seem real, as if it the whole break was a dream and not reality. A reality that completely altered my view on everything.

Chase's warm eyes light up with knowing, as if something clicked. "And that's Clayton's favorite place," he says with a small nod.

"We began to talk. But I never meant for it to happen Chase," I tell him honestly. "We just connected on a level that I never expected. We both knew death in a way that scarred us, we both loved books and the ocean," I say trying to describe the way my body and mind fell for his brother as if the stars above had written it for us.

Chase sticks his glove-covered hands into his jacket pockets. "I just never thought he would be with anyone for a long, long time after Scar," he says almost as if he's acknowledging a truth he believed for so long that seeing any other version would tear down the vision he built in his head.

"It's been four years Chase," I state slowly. How long is Clayton supposed to wait to find someone to live life with? To love?

"Yeah," he drawls as if for the first time he's truly thinking about his brother moving on. How much he deserves to move and find happiness. "But I just thought what they had—"

I cut off his words. "He loved her, still loves her and will never stop," I tell Chase. Images of my mother and her boyfriend Gavin flash through my mind in this moment. Because even though she's met someone new, she will never forget about my father. Never stop loving him. Love like that never disappears. "But that also doesn't mean he can't love someone else..." I trail. "Not that he loves me," I quickly add hating the way my words alluded to Clayton maybe having feelings for me. He doesn't. Well, maybe he did at one point. But I know he doesn't now.

Chase lets out a deep breath. "I guess I just never thought about him with anyone else," he divulges almost embarrassed he stuffed his brother into his box and never thought different.

"I don't think anyone in your family does," I say telling him what he might not want to hear. But what he needs also.

Chase shifts his body from foot to foot uneasily letting the salt pop under his boots. "Well my family doesn't always want to see what's right in front of them," he says so softly I almost miss the words as they roll over with a gust of wind.

I squeeze my hands into fists to try and muster the courage to ask the next question. My pulse begins to beat throughout my body, as the fear of Chase's answer to my question will tear apart whatever mends to our relationship we have begun in this moment.

"How did your dad react?" I ask hesitantly. I know Chase loves his brother's, adores his mother, but his father is everything to him. Even when they butt heads he respects and loves his father, he is his person.

A few voices fill the space and pull our attention as a group of girls walk by on their way to class. Chase pauses as if waiting for them to leave our bubble we've created to speak openly. Freely. Truthfully.

"Umm..." he begins with a shaky breath. "Him and my mother were both surprised. They wanted to have a conversation obviously, but they don't hate me," he finishes with a meek smile.

"Chase they could never hate you. I've seen how much they love you. Nothing could ever change that," I assure him fiercely. His family may have had differing views on where they thought their son would end up in life, but that would never stop them from loving him.

"My dad is someone who always had a vision for us. What he wanted for us, and where he saw us," he states with a tense jaw. "But I think he realizes that that vision is going to have to change because we aren't who we once were, none of us are. First with Clayton after Scarlett's death, and then with Cale last year not speaking to him for months and blaming our father for everything with him and Gray," he explains. "I was always so afraid my dad wouldn't love me anymore, or judge me, but I think he was more afraid of losing a son the way he's almost lost Clayton and Cale in pivotal moments in their lives."

"So he was understanding?" I question to clarify Chase's words about his brothers and the family dynamic that has changed over time.
   
His hazel eyes wet with tears before he speaks. "He hugged me," he tells me simply. But I know it wasn't that simple. I know that hug meant everything and more to him.

"Chase that's wonderful," I breathe as a smile lifts my lips in pure elation for my friend.

"I know it won't be perfect for a while. It's an adjustment, but everyone was really supportive," he says as if it's nothing but I can see how much it meant for his family to instantly accept him. "They were mad I lied for so long to them, but they all made sure to say they loved me and that isn't changing ever," he finishes with the touch of a grateful smile painted across his face.

"I'm sorry it went down how it did. Truly. You will never understand how deeply sorry I am for what I did to you," I begin slowly still hating my actions. "But I am happy that they know, and can now get to know the side of you I love. And that Gray loves. The side you never were able to fully share with them before," I tell him earnestly. They get to know their son as a whole now and that's something that will never be taken for granted.

"Yeah," he sighs with a small nod.

The university bell rings loudly bringing our conversation to an end as the bells echo throughout campus. We both look at our phones to see we are now officially late to our classes. We both finish the walk to our buildings, silence filling the air between us but this time its lighter. It's breathable and doesn't fill my throat and chest with fear.

Chase and I come to a stop where the sidewalk splits; usually where we part and meet back up once class is over. This time we pause not knowing what the future holds for us. We apologized to each other, but that doesn't mean that what transpired between is immediately wiped under the rug and forgotten. It's still there, it still lingers.

So I take a leap, because I don't want to look back on today and regret not trying. "Do you want to get coffee after class?" I ask cautiously knowing he can very easily still shut me down.

His teeth worry against his bottom lip before he responds. "I'm busy," he replies slightly strained. Those two words send my heart spiraling into my stomach. Because even though I knew there was a possibility he would turn down my offer, it doesn't mean it still doesn't sting.

"I get it," I smile gently to mask the hurt that wants to overflow my heart. "No worries, some other time?" I suggest causally as if this whole exchange doesn't make my chest contract in pain.

"Yeah, some other time," he replies just as casually, as if there is no real commitment in his words.

I shift taking a few steps away from Chase and towards my building. "Okay, well bye," I say quietly.

"Bye," he says as he tosses me a weak wave.

My feet take me down the few steps that lead to the main entrance of my college. I try to not begin and overthink every word that was spoken between Chase and myself. If I could've said something different, acted different. I'm almost to the front door when my name is shouted from behind me.

"Hayley!" I turn to see Chase taking the steps and running up to me. A genuine smile pulls at his flushed cheeks. "Maybe next week?" he suggests.

Heat spreads through my chest even though I'm standing outside in freezing temperatures. "Yeah, next week," I agree with a smile in return.

And I know that it may take time, and it won't be easy to fix our friendship after everything we've been through and said to each other. Trust has been broken and damaged between us and it will take a long time for that to mend properly. But I also know that we have a friendship worth fighting for, and it looks as if Chase agrees.