4/29/17

I HAVE RECEIVED over thirty books in the past two months from Clayton. Ranging in genres, author's, and years published. All filled with handwritten notes and highlighted passages that always connect to our relationship or our past. Connect us to each other.

Every time a book arrives my heart skips a beat with excitement for what book he has in store for me this time.

The last couple months have been filled with early mornings reading, laughter filled roommate margarita nights, and the occasional coffee with Chase. The last few months have proved that our friendship is one for the times. I'm still cautious about certain topics around him, and I know he is as well. He won't mention his brothers, and if he does he completely avoids bringing up Clayton around me.

I don't want to lie to him anymore so I have told him about Clayton sending me books. He asked what it meant, and I told him the truth. I don't know. I said there are definitely unresolved feelings between Clayton and myself, but further then that is still a mystery. Chase thanked me for telling him, but we still haven't spoken of it since.

Every single time a book shows up at my door I immediately sit down and read the novel almost as if his written and highlighted words have created a whole new book for me. A whole new story and reason behind the author's typed words. It also makes me want to reach for my phone and call or text him, but something always holds me back from pressing his name or sending that message.

It's almost as if a small piece of me is scared. And I know him sending me all these books is a solid sign he still has feelings for me, and yet he hasn't contacted me except for these books. But I also think that this is the only way he's allowing himself to interact with me for the moment. He needs time. We both need this time apart. He's been going to AA meetings and becoming the man that's been waiting to resurface since the night of Scarlett's death.

My eyes look at the shelf in my room that's about to fall with the sudden influx of books I've been receiving. But a lazy smile lifts my lips at the look of all those books gifted to me piled up on top of each other. After a long day of working on my senior thesis yesterday, I decided to dedicate today to reading Clayton's newest addition to my personal library.

But first, coffee.

The apartment is empty as Maxine is at work and Grayson is spending the weekend at home with her family in Virginia. I quickly throw on a pair of cropped leggings with my oversized Northwestern sweatshirt not caring too much about my appearance since I plan on staying at home all day and lounging on the couch and binging books.

I quickly throw my dark hair into a high pony and slide on some mud stained converse to make my way out the front door. But as soon as I swing the door open I come face to face with the one person my heart has been aching to see. The one person I spent nights of crying over until my eyes were raw and my face was patchy. The one person I had to learn might not love me back the way I love him after I almost tore his family apart.

Clayton looks the exact same, but he has a little more scruff on his face that I can't lie only makes him sexier to me. His arm is raised as if he was going to knock before I opened the door to reveal him. We both stand frozen in place as if we don't know what to do or what to say in this moment that's been four months in the making. Four months of dreaming of his face, his lips, his body, his everything.

"You were going to knock?" I question lamely not knowing what else to say in this shock filled minute. My eyes drop to the small package in his hands, and my body fills with a warm sensation knowing he's holding another book meant just for me. A book he's hand delivering this time.

A faint blush coats his cheeks before he answers. "Um...." he trails as if he's slightly embarrassed. "I've been standing out here for almost twenty minutes trying to gain the courage to knock," he admits bashfully.

A small breathy laugh falls from my parted lips at his admission. "Do you want to come in?" I ask before my teeth sink into my bottom lip. My body is buzzing with untamed energy at he sight of the man who has the ability to stop my heart with just his words. The idea of him being close and being at my apartment has me teetering towards the edge.

A shadow of worry falls over his rich hazel eyes and he takes a small step backwards from the apartment and from me. "I don't think that's a good idea," he confesses with a sigh before wiping an anxious hand over his face.

My stomach twists and balls at the way he denies my suggestion. My skin pricks with underlying fear that after the last few months he doesn't want me. That he's here to end things once and for all. "Do you want to go grab coffee with me?" I question hating the way my chest contracts in a mess of nerves that he will say no again.

His honeyed eyes fall gentle with a easy breath. "Yeah," he nods in agreement. "That sounds nice," he adds as he steps aside to let me grab my purse and lock the door behind myself before heading down the stairs of my apartment building.

The air is finally warm after months of frigid cold temperatures, the sun helping to heat us as we quietly make our way across the street to the coffee shop Grayson and I fell in love with last winter.

Neither Clayton nor I speak as we make our way into the small shop. Nerves eat their way through me as my eyes fall on the man next to me. He is everything I never knew I wanted until he kissed me in a bar over a year ago. Everything I still didn't know I needed until I stepped foot in that library one reckless night. He became everything the night he kissed my neck, and then kissed my lips, and finally made love to my body in a way that brought me to the stars I love so much. My hand absentmindedly falls to my necklace at the thought of the sparkling night sky.

I do a quick scan of the shop to see the owner Thalia isn't in today, so I make my way up to the counter and smile when I see Kelly working. She knows Grayson and I from how often we frequent the cafe as well as Chase because I would frequently drag him along for my caffeine fix during the day last semester.

"Hey Hayley," Kelly greets with a kind smile. Her curly strawberry blonde hair sticks out from under her headband that's struggling to tame her wild mane.

"Hi," I respond with a small wave. "How are you?" I question casually.

"Good," she replies. "Ready for the semester be over," she laughs dryly.

"Same," I chuckle in agreement with a playful roll of my eyes.

"You're usual?" she asks though she's already entering in the order because she knows me so well.

I nod once. "Yeah," I breathe before my eyes land on Clayton standing a few feet away from me to my side. "Do you want anything?" I ask him though my words fumble out a bit awkwardly.

"No," he answers with a small but stiff reassuring smile. "I'm good," he states.

There's a slight tension in the air between us, and I hate that. I hate that we aren't the same people who snuck off at odd hours in the night. The hours where we held each other, kissed each other, and touched each other in ways that turned my whole world upside down. The times we spent reading in silence next to each other for hours on end are moments I've never felt more content. I want that back, I wish we could have that back.

But maybe it's good that we aren't those people anymore. People who don't speak to their mothers, and people who drink themselves into oblivion aren't the type of people we want to be. We deserve happiness. We deserve better. We deserve more in this life.

Kelly hands me the large iced coffee after a few passing minutes. I reach to pull the wallet out of my small purse when Clayton stops me.

"I got it," he tells me as he hands Kelly the few bills to cover my caffeine fix.

"You didn't have to do that," I tell him as we step away from the counter for the next customer to move forward and head towards the shops front door.

"I wanted to," he tells me with a small smile. A smile that speeds my pulse and lights my body aflame, because that smile shows the light in him he doesn't like to think exists. But it does, because it's shining more brightly then I've ever seen it in him. The sun shines in him just as it does me, the darkness not scaring us as much anymore.

"Thank you," I murmur trying to contain the beaming smile that wants to coat my lips.

We make our way to the small tables set up on the café's patio, and sit down on the worn wicker chairs letting the soft breeze wash over us. The spring weather here reminds me of the Florida winter weather. Warm sun with a cool refreshing air that dances across our skin and raises delicate gooseflesh in its path.

"How have you been?" he asks finally breaking the silence that spans between us.

I shrug unable to know where to begin or how to answer. "Good," I say easily. "I spent new years with my mom and her boyfriend," I tell him acting as if it's nothing when he knows how big of a deal it is for me to make that step to make amends with my mother after all these years.

His eyes brighten at my words. "That's amazing," he comments genuinely.

My heart thumps loudly in my ears at his praise. I can even feel my chest flush at the simple words he gives, and yet they mean so much after all this time.

"Thanks," I whisper not knowing what else to say because I honestly don't. I knew there was a chance I would see Clayton again, but not so soon. I also thought maybe my feelings for him would dim and I would realize he's just an infatuation. A moment in time I built up. But he's so much more I now know with him sitting in front of me. He's the sun, the moon, and the stars.

He's the whole damn universe.

"I'm sorry Hayley," he apologizes with sagged shoulders.

"It's okay," I tell him letting my eyes fall from his and land on the beads of condensation that dance down my iced coffee.

"It isn't," he counters. "A lot of shit went down over break and we all messed up but somehow you caught all the blame," he says with furrowed eyebrows.

My teeth pinch at the inside of my cheek before swallowing the thickness that coats my throat with the emotions that want to burst from within me. His golden eyes dance across my face taking in my freckled skin, pale eyes, and pink lips almost as if he's trying to remember me after our time apart. As if I changed. I know on the outside I haven't, but on the inside I've made strides. And maybe that shows, maybe that shines through.

I take a deep breath to steady my racing heart before asking the question that's been on the tip of my tongue since my eyes landed on him at my front door. "What are you doing here Clayton?" I question needing to know. Needing to know if he's going to break me again in the name of cleansing himself. Maybe I'm a step, and the simple thought of that has me picking at the lid of my drink as anxiety overwhelms me.

But he ignores my words. Almost as if he can't answer it yet. "Have you been enjoying the books?" he ask replying to my question with his own.

Butterflies erupt in my chest at the thought of the books he's given me so far. "I love them," I whisper truthfully. Even if for some reason we don't work out, those books will always hold a special place in my heart. They are filled with words that have become one with my soul, imprinting them forever on me.

When Clayton speaks next, they are words I'm not expecting. "I was in the library one night craving a drink when I saw Scarlett's favorite book and instead of falling apart, I thought of you that first night," he tells me as emotions flood his golden eyes. Pain. Sadness. Fear. "But instead of cracking and falling under and drinking, I read that book and only thought of you," he divulges sharing another piece of himself with me. His eyes now flooded with different emotions. Relief. Happiness.

That first book he gave me holds even more weight in my eyes now after he shares where it all began. It stopped him from falling over the edge, and it didn't bring him misery. It brought him images of us. Happy. Together.

"Clayton...." I trail with a small sigh unable to form words.

His eyes flare with a deeper emotion at the way I say his name. My body heats at the way his eyes hold mine. He then shifts ever so slightly to push the small bag towards me. Matching the bag Colt gave me that night just a couple months ago, but now feels so far away. "Open it," he urges lightly. A flashback of him giving me the pink robe appears out of nowhere in my head, and my skin pebbles with the awareness that this moment is so different then that one we shared tangled up in his bed.

I open the gift bag to reveal of course another book. And even though it's completely expected, it doesn't stop the rush of adrenaline from surging through my veins and shaking my hands. But the book that I pull out stops my breath all together.

"The Green Mile," I read the title aloud as wet tears line my eyes.

"Chase told me the story about how the one you found was once your mother's," he says with bright eyes. "So I thought you should have your own," he tells me with another soft smile that fills my chest with joy and desire all at once.

I push open the front cover and see there isn't a note in this one. I hate the way my heart sinks a bit at the thought that this is it, that it's all coming to an end for us. I notice the book is brand new, where as the other books are older, worn, loved. Why is this so different? Why does this feel so final? Why does my stomach fill with fear when my whole body was just flooded with pure elation?

"I didn't read or highlight anything," he says acknowledging my reaction to the empty inside book cover. I quickly page through some of the pages to see he's speaking the truth. There are no yellow markings advertising lines and passages that bring new meaning to the writer's words.

"I see," I comment uncomfortably hating the way my eyes stay locked on the book unable to meet his.

Clayton clears his throat faintly. "I thought you deserved a new one to make memories with," he declares.

My eyes snap up to his entrancing hazel ones. "What do you mean?" I inquire confused by his words.

His head tilts a bit and the sun shines around him making his light brown hair seem like a halo framing his handsome face. "I mean I want you to mark what you love, and comment on passages that move you," he says.

My ears and heart catch on the way he says I and you and my body begins to fall into itself because I know. It's all over. It's final. He's letting me go, and I don't know how to react or even how to breathe I realize as the air begins to thin around me and water stings at my eyes in the form of hot tears.

Air alludes me all together when his next words reach my ears. "And I want to be around for these moments," he tells me softly.

"What?" I puff out as I finally catch my breath and the blood rushes so loudly through me I can hear it pounding in my ears.

"Hayley, I can't say what I want to say right now because I still need some time before I take steps to be in another relationship," he says earnestly. "I want to be the man you deserve to have, and that means taking this slow," he tells me acknowledging his faults openly.

My lips tremble taken back by his words. "But you want to be with me?" I question needing clarification. Needing to be sure that he wants me as much as I want him. That even after these past few months apart he craves me like I crave him. His voice. His lips. His intelligent mind that challenges me in every way.

"I'll always want you," he confesses his amber eyes holding mine.

"Clay," I say because that's all I can say in this moment. His name. His beautifully perfect nickname that puts the biggest smile I've ever seen from him spread across his soft lips. As if he's missed me saying it as much as I've missed saying it.

The smile that glows dims a tad as he digs into his pocket and pulls out another golden chip. This one stating he's officially three months sober. "It won't be easy," he confides as if he's worried this will scare me off. But this is all I've ever wanted for him, for myself. To try and grow and be better. To stop being lost in the pain and stop letting it define our lives. Our loves anymore.

"I've never wanted easy," I respond as I reach over and place a hand on his.

And as Clayton's fingers lace through mine I know that our relationship won't ever be perfect. We aren't those people. But I also know as my eyes lift to see the biggest star in the sky shining that I've found the man who brings light into my life.

He's my sky. My star. My universe.

My everything.