From:@sixth_numero
To: @HoneybeedelSol
Sent: Sun, 01/12/2020, 09:01 AM
Subject: To the girl I'm sorry the most...

Hon,

"You are free now." These were the last words you said to me a year ago.

A Sunday morning.

A beautiful day. On a park bench.
It was a sunny day. May couple na nakaupo sa damuhan. Gazing each other with eyes full of trust. May batang lalaki na nagpapalipad ng kulay asul na saranggola. A woman walking her dog.

"Beautiful day," you said. "Don't you think it's such a beautiful day, Sixth?" tanong mo sa'kin habang tinitingala mo ang saranggola ng bata. You were wearing a white off shoulder dress and a smile. Ang kalmado mo no'n na parang ordinaryong araw lang. Natakot ako.

I was quiet. Hindi kita sinagot. I felt hot on my black shirt and ripped jeans. Siguro alam ko, sa kaibuturan ng manlolokong buto ko, sa mismong araw na 'yon, iiwan mo na ako. On the same place the first time I've told you I didn't wanna be just friends anymore. Sa mismong lugar kung saan gusto ko nang maging boyfriend mo.

At dahil nga duwag ako, hindi kita nakayang tingnan. I was just staring at my empty hands. I knew I was gonna lose you right there and then. You didn't speak for a moment.

Seconds passed by.

Minutes.

An hour.

I could feel your gaze on me. Sa duwag na ako. We were surrounded with happiness. But the happiness didn't dare touch us. Tumayo ka. Wiped off the soil that smeared on your white sneakers.

And you spoke the words that haunted me. The words that made my blood ran cold. Mga salitang hindi ko matanggap. Mga salitang, sa kauna-unahang beses ayaw kong maging recipient.

"You are free now." You smiled. But it didn't reach your eyes. Parang napakapayapa ng maganda mong mukha. Habang dinudurog naman ang akin.

Cold. Pain. Cold. Pain.

Emosyon na naramdaman ko sa sabi mo'y magandang araw na 'yon.

And for the very first time, I finally had the courage of a coward to speak.

"I'm sorry."

Fucked up, isn't it?

Sa panlolokong ginawa ko sa'yo, 'yang tanginang linyang 'yan lang nakayanan ko?

Linya na kayang sabihin ng lahat.
Kahit five years old na bata nga kaya 'yang sabihin e.

Mga taong makabangga sa daan sinasabi nga yan.

Pero, fuck! Ako? Napakagago ko 'di ba?

Pero sinabi ko sa'yo, at sinasabi ko sa'yo ngayon. I have never ever said the sincerest words in my life until that very day.

Tapos, tiningnan mo ako. You looked at my head, my hands, my shoes, my lips, and then finally your eyes settled into mine. Shit. Kita ko pagsisisi sa mga mata mo, Hon. Ano 'yon? Para saan iyon, Honey?

Regret for meeting me?

Regret for loving me?

"Puta. Honey naman. Mahal kita e," sabi ko. Kulang na lang magmakaawa at lumuhod sa harap mo.

And then we both looked at the crying boy. Naputol pala 'yong tali ng saranggola niya.

You smiled back at me and said the words that you always used. "I know."

I know.

I know.

I know.

You often utter this line playfully.
When your younger sister would tell you she needed help with her homework.

When your dad would remind you of your curfew.

Kapag palaging sinasabi sa'yo ni Aki na feeling bad boy si Ricker. "I know," you would say.

Kapag binabatukan naman ni Ricker si Benson dahil palaging natutulog sa klase noong high school days natin.

Tuwing tinutukso natin si Anthony dahil parating nangongopya at sinasama pa minsan sa pagkopya pati pangalan ni Aki.

Tuwing sinasabi kong bullshit lahat ng jokes ni Eghart.

All your response to these would be, "I know."

But in that moment, your famous line was without a lace of playfulness. It was full of surrender. Damn it.

Walang bakas ng pilyang ngiti. Lungkot lang. Sakit sa puso, Hon.

It was a look of you letting me go. Sa mga oras na 'yon gusto kong sabihin sa'yo na ayaw ko pang bumitaw. Na kahit niloko kita, gusto ko tayo pa rin. Tayo lang. Pero wala e. Wala akong karapatang hawakan ka pa. I was the one who fucked up our relationship.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry kasi ang kapal ng apog ko na sabihin pa 'to sa'yo.

Sorry kasi inakala mong ninakaw ko bike mo.

Sorry sa daga.

Sorry sa pagtago ng kandila ng cake mo no'n.

Sorry pinagtawanan ko 'yong crush mo.

I'm sorry for telling you you were a mess.

Sorry dahil nakalimutan kitang dalhan ng payong noong umuulan.

Sorry, minsan late ako sa date natin.

I'm sorry I broke your heart.

I know it's too late for all of these sorrys.

Trust me. I know.

-Sixth-