“I'll drive you home
You drive me crazy
But that's not gonna stop me
I'll call you out
You call me "baby"
But that's not gonna stop me.”
….

I glance at her as she speaks.

“I have a feeling we're not okay.”

I scoff and shake my head before looking away.
“I never said we were.”

“So why am I here?”

“Cuz you decided to be here…” I murmur.

“Oh, right.”

I try my best to not feel bad because it's the truth. I've told her over and over again that our friendship is over and explained that it's for her own good yet she keeps following me around like some lost puppy and at this point I don't even have the energy to push her away. Yet that doesn't mean that I'm going to try to get closer to her. We're just talking and I have to keep it that way.

“Star, I don't want to hurt you even more but why do you keep coming back to talk to me?”

“I don't know.”

“Are you and your best friends okay now?”

She doesn't answer for a while and I grow concerned.
The tree above us rustles wildly as a strong wind blows and I take in a huge breath of air.

The air is cold and damp and the sky is gradually becoming darker and cloudier by the second. I hope it rains.

“No. We really broke up.”

I turn to face her, her words stabbing me in the chest. I knew that it could happen but to be honest, I didn't expect it to. Her friendship with her best friends seemed so strong. I didn't think something as insignificant as me could ruin it, yet here we are.

And then the guilt of knowing that it's all my fault…

“I'm sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

“Yes it is.”

She takes a deep breath and reclines on the tree we're sitting close to. A tall, teenage girl dressed in all pink walks past us and I can hear the music booming faintly from the pink fluffy headphones she has on. I recognise the song. Pink Pony Club by Chapell Roan.

“You look guilty–”

“Well, no shit. I a–”

“No, that's not what I meant. I'm talking about like…” she bends down and plucks on a loose thread at the side of her jeans and her face looks slightly contorted as she searches for the words she wants to say. “The thing with basketball and photography and you know. Like…I'm happy for you and I was so happy to see how relieved you looked the other day but now, you look scared.”

Her voice drops with each sentence she utters like talking about it is a crime or something.

I only chuckle but I'm really surprised that she's able to notice that. Makes my heart to clench, in a good way.

“I am scared. But I'm also happy. It's…a very confusing time for me.”

She starts to pluck at the grasses below her. “I wish I could be there for you.”

I bite my lip and don't say anything.

“I wish you didn't have this stupid curse thing and I wish my best friends didn't care if I talked to you and I just wish…” she lets out a heavy sigh of frustration. “I wish we could be together.”

My heart starts to pound abnormally in my chest and I focus my intense gaze on the dark, cloudy sky above me.

Why'd she go and say that now?

Now, my the gears in my brain starts to spin and I don't like the way I want to choose my heart over my brain.

I really want to just tell her that we could be together. But I'm scared.

Her best friends aren't talking to her anymore so the damage is already done and although more things could happen it's like…I should just say fuck it and follow my heart blindly.

There's this girl, who I really like, sitting down next to me. And she likes me so much that no matter how many times I've told her to leave me, no matter how cold I've been to her, no matter the things I've caused her to lose…she keeps coming back and she doesn't want to let go of the fact that we could be together.

Lightning flashes and tears the dark blue sheet above is into two. Not long after, thunder roars.

Star sighs and gets up quickly, dusting her trousers.
“I should go, before it starts.”

I get up after her and lightly dust myself, watching her closely.

She runs her fingers through her hair and then tucks it behind her ear before she starts to leave and I find myself calling out her name.

“Oh, yeah…forgot to say bye,” she says with a smile that doesn't really reach her eyes.

I walk towards her with outstretched arms and she falls in between them, resting her head on my chest. I wrap my arms around her and hold her tightly. My arms develop a mind of their own and I find my hands moving up and down her own arm slowly.

“I'm sorry.” I like the feel of her against me. The warmth radiating from her body contrasts with the cold all around us.

She nods against my chest and my heart flutters at the movement.

After some time, I feel her pulling away and I loosen my arms. She pulls back just enough for there to be a little space between us. Just a little.

She gives me a sad smile and her eyes roam my face in a manner that I find uncomfortable yet so euphoric.

My eyes roam around hers too, searching frantically for God-knows-what.

I really want to kiss her.

Her eyes flick downwards to my lips and then back up to my eyes as if reading my thoughts and knowing what I want to do to her.

I fear that I'm leaning in and I don't know if I can hold myself back any longer. She grabs my hand and plays with my fingers lightly and I feel myself blush at the sudden contact. I push myself back.

I just can't.

After one last glance at my face, she drops my hand abruptly and then gives me a tight smile before wrapping her arms around my neck in another lighter hug.

When she pulls back, I can see the wetness in her eyes and my heart squeezes at the sight.

I push her away over and over again. Yet she keeps coming back.

“Goodbye Jordan,” she whispers before walking off She wraps her arms around herself and walks slowly away, looking up at the sky occasionally. I watch her and she gets tinier and tinier until she finally disappears from my sight.

I try to sigh to relieve the tight feeling in my chest but it doesn't work. I feel my throat choke up and hear myself sniff.

I really love her, I realise suddenly. And there's this ache in my heart that always there when she's not with me. I didn't realise it before because I was trying so hard to ignore my feelings but it's here now and I can feel it and damn, it hurts a lot.

I love her.

I don't know much about love but I'd like to think that this warm, suffocating yet safe, cosy feeling in my heart that gets stronger each day is love.

If I really do love her, why am I not doing or saying anything?