“There's a time that I remember, when I did not know no pain
When I believed in forever, and everything would stay the same.”
….

I thought things were getting better. I actually believed that little by little I'd get myself back and finally be happy. I had a little hope.

But then I woke up Sunday morning and I knew that it had gotten worse. I had fallen deeper and deeper into this pit of sadness and regret and I felt like there was no way I could get back out.

My heart felt heavy for the first half of the day and then for the remaining half I felt numb. More numb than I've ever felt and it scared the shit out of me. I knew that it just comes and goes and it will eventually leave but I wasn't reasoning like that at the moment.

I tried to make myself feel. I knew how it was whenever I got bad like this. My mental health will keep getting worse and worse until I get into this state that I literally cannot function properly again. My medication would triple, I'd start going for therapy sessions, and I'd start getting forced to go outside and do things I don't want to do.

It was always hell for me and I always knew when I was getting slowly to that stage. I desperately needed to feel. I knew physically harming myself wouldn't help at all but I was tempted. I didn't do it though.

The feelings came back very early on Monday morning with full force. I'd spent the night awake, staring at my ceiling, going through the cycle of thinking, crying, dozing off for thirty minutes and then waking up, thinking and crying again.

I suddenly have no interest in life anymore and I'm confused about it. That Monday, I decide to go to school because I know that being present in a social setting will be safer than rotting in my room all day. I don't want to fall into that dark place.

When I go to clear out my locker in the boy's locker room, nervous as fuck, I expect my teammates to come at me and try to bully me or something but they didn't even spare me more than a glance. I deserve it. At least they got their little star back, rightfully.

Speaking of Sam, I spot him at a corner, tying up his shoelaces or something. He gives me a glance and he tries to communicate something to me with his eyes but I don't quite catch it. That's all I can get from him anyway because I know he's not gonna try to talk to me.

On my way out, I did overhear the rest of them saying some shit about me but I was too mentally and emotionally exhausted to care to listen.

One more set of people added to the list of people that hate me.

At least I don't have to deal with them anymore.

When I stand at my locker after school, placing my books in order, for some reason I'm expecting Star to show up. Now that her best friends aren't talking to her, I expect that she can now freely talk to me at school without worrying about anything.

After stupidly waiting for a while, I give up and shut the locker, starting to head home. That's when I see her walk past me with her head facing downwards. She's staring at her phone.

When she passes by me, I think she feels my intense stare on her because she swiftly turns to my direction and her eyes light up. But that's it. She looks away and takes her back attention to her phone as she walks away.

My heart clenches and I force myself to walk quicker, trying to hold back my tears at the same time. I need to get away from here fast.

It's my fault. I know. I pushed her away over and over again and now she's staying away…just like how I wanted.
But I know that's not what I want.

What do I even want?

Luckily, my parents aren't at home when I get there so at least I can have the huge house to myself for a while without feeling uncomfortable.

Did I mention my parents were rich?

There weren't like stinking rich or something but they had a lot of money. With the money they had, they were financially secure for the rest of their lives. And you'd wonder why they want me to be a celebrity athlete so bad. Maybe greed. But whatever, I don't care.

I have more important things to worry about. Like how I am truly alone now. And how terrible my mental health has become. And if I don't try to do something about it…I'll fall into that state I don't want to even think about.

I have some leftovers, wash the dishes and watch some TV before I retreat into my precious lair, feeling a bit sticky and uncomfortable. I need a shower.

Half an hour later, I step out of the shower and change into comfortable clothes immediately, trying to ignore the feeling of water droplets snaking down my back.

I turn up the AC, grab my camera and fall to my bed. My phone pings and I check to see that it's a text from Albert.

Albert:  hey man. Hru doing?

I shudder. He's still like that…

When Albert and I used to be in our best friend group, he was usually the one to sense when something was wrong with any of us. He had that amazing ability. Maybe it was something psychology related. Albert was that kind of guy.

Anyway, my heart warms at the thought that there's still someone here for me in the end. I still have Albert. And I feel a bit guilty for not giving him much attention all this while.

Jordan: Hanging there

Albert: what's up? Broke up with that girl?

Jordan: not funny. And besides we never dated

Albert: oh really? Why?

Jordan: you know why…

Albert: I'm sorry about that. But you guys are still talking and hanging…and chilling?

Jordan: shut up. And no…we're not talking anymore.

Albert: aww…I could tell you really liked her. You yap about her too much I could write a whole damn book

Jordan: you're such an idiot lol

Albert: Wanna meet up?

Jordan: You free tomorrow? All day?

Albert: dude we have fucking school

Jordan: fuck school.

Albert: loll not surprised. Alright. See you tomorrow

Jordan: yeah

I sigh, a long deep sigh.

Right now, he's the only person I have. I can't lose that.