"I've got tired eyes, a black sky
Making its home under my lash line
You keep on crying, babe, I don't mind
I'll keep on staring at the clock tryna pass time.”
….

“What was that all about?” she asks as I finally walk out of the school premises, clutching my backpack with a tight grip.

“We played, I lost. Now I'm off the team,” I state for her simply. It obviously doesn't satisfy her because she keeps on following me.

“Why?”

“Ugh!” I cry, turning to the right. “Star Just leave me alone, please. I just want to be alone right now.”

“Okay,” she says quietly. “I’ll leave you alone...”
I look over my shoulder to see that she's still standing there. “Only if you explain why you did what you did in there.”

We walk in silence for a long time until I decide to speak. I've been looking for a way to process how I feel about the whole situation anyway, so talking to her wouldn't be so bad.

“I didn't deserve that spot.”

We halt beside a large building and that's when Star notices that I've taken her far away. She doesn't seem to care though.

“After that game, I think everyone in the school knows that you're better than Sa–”

“It's not that. Star, you know that I took his spot the wrong way. And besides, he likes basketball. I don't.”

“Why did you do it?” she asks.

“I just said that–”

“No, you know what I mean. Why all of a sudden? Why did you decide to just…drop it. I swear to God that the thought of dropping basketball scared the shit out of you. What happened to change your mind?”

I pause for a second as the question runs through my head over and over again.
In the end, there's only one simple answer.

“Because I was fucking tired.”

Her lips form an o and she nods slowly.

“I was tired of…being chained down by my parents, and also my chronic people pleasing. I decided that I was tired of being…unhappy. I just want to do the things I love and just…be happy okay? And…giving up my spot on the team was like the first step.”

“Oh so you're admitting that you gave up your spot…”

I surprise myself with a dry chuckle.
“Was it that obvious?”

“Dude,” she begins, her eyes widening dramatically. “I mean, I love my best friend and I would never hesitate to mention how amazing of a player he is but you literally played him on that court. Everyone knew you let him win, even he himself. We were just confused about why.”

“Ah fuck,” I murmur, a smile tugging at my lips. “But anyway, I don't care. What matters is that it's settled and that he's gotten his spot back. But…I still have a very difficult challenge ahead of me.”

“Your parents.”

I nod. “How'd you know?”

“It was the first thing I thought of when you walked out of the auditorium. I was like…has Jordan gone crazy? How is he going to explain this to his parents? I was worried about you,” she adds quietly.

“I didn't mean to worry you,” I say, my heart fluttering at her words.

“Shut up and accept the fact that I care about you,” she says with an eye roll.

“You know I can't.” I give her a long, knowing stare and she blushes a little under the intensity. I look away.

“Why not?” she tries and I sigh before starting to walk away.

“I gotta go, Star.”

“Okay, see you tomorrow?”

I don't reply. I just keep going on my way and after some time I realise that she has stopped following me. As much as I know it's better this way, it doesn't stop me from feeling hurt when she leaves. God I miss her.

***
I already see it coming before I get to the building.

I’m walking extra slowly so it’s already late in the evening when I get there. And I'm still a good distance from my house.

My breathing gets worse and I know I can’t go any further because I might end up passing out.

I sling my backpack off my shoulders and lean against the wall at the side of the building, trying to take in large breaths of air.

I've had a lot of anxiety attacks in the past and I could handle them alone but I kinda wish Star was here again.

I guess I was going to have to deal with it alone this time.

Slow, deep breaths I tell myself over and over again.
Focus on the surroundings
Count to ten

It's not helping. The only thing running through my mind is how my life is definitely over. I can't go home. I can't even try to face my parents, they must have heard about the news already.

What are they gonna do to me?
Are they going to actually kick me out of their home?

Okay, no that's dramatic.

Heck, my parents could do anything.

I'm gonna die.

Calm down.

Deep breaths.

It'll be fine. What's the worst they could do?

I'm gonna die.

Shut up.

Am I not supposed to be having a panic attack?

Oh yeah, that's right.

Deep breaths, slow deep breaths.

One…two…three…four…

Lamp post…back pack…. brick wall
I can feel…my t-shirt…the dirt on the ground…my damp face.

Shit, I'm crying.

I can smell…the faint scent of my perfume…the sweet smell of pastries from a small bakery nearby…the cool evening breeze.

I take more deep breaths and try to focus on them.
In, one, two, three, four…hold it…out…seven…eight.

Fuck, yeah…okay, I'm getting better.

It's getting better.

My phone alarm rings and I realise that it's 6:00pm already.

Shit shit shit. Even more reasons for them to kill me.

I scramble up, sling my backpack over my shoulder and hurry home.

***

When I get home, I can't even tell if I'm happy or not by their behaviour towards me.

They don't speak to me, they don't acknowledge my existence…to them I’m basically not alive.

I guess I should be happy now. I never enjoyed speaking with them anyway because most of the conversations we have makes me uncomfortable. I just hope it doesn't get worse than this.

As usual, I don't sleep at night. But this night is worse than other nights because of the very intense battle I'm having with my emotions.

There are the negative ones. The heart wrenching feeling that my life might be over because if I don't have the support of my parents in literally everything in my life, it's gonna be hard for me. The intense, dizzying feeling that I might truly end up alone in this life. That I wouldn't truly know how it feels to be loved and safe.

I keep running away from it and my go-to excuse for it that I would get them hurt. But deep down I know that it's not the only reason why I don't want to get close to people. I have to admit that I am scared. That if I wasn't concerned about them getting hurt by me, I was also scared of getting hurt.

Nights like these, a reason that I stay up is just brooding over the thought and the possibility that I could actually end up alone. I don't know why it scares the shit out of me.

Shouldn't we all be able to be okay alone? Why must I have someone? Or people?

As much as I try to convince myself that I could be okay alone, I know that it still hurts.

And then there's this…blissful, freeing feeling in my chest that gives me a little hope.

If my parents aren't going to do anything concerning me then that means that I could actually get to focus on photography fully. I could actually get more serious about it. I could actually…take it up as a career. It's all I ever wanted.

Star was right. I do adore photography. I love it with my whole heart. Anytime I picture a future with myself doing anything besides photography…it feels wrong, incomplete…

Then the whole thing with getting close to people comes back. There's always this nagging feeling I get constantly that maybe if I try again with someone, it might actually work out and they won't get hurt.

But my anxiety doesn't help.
It keeps telling me that let's say for instance everything works out with someone and everything goes perfectly for a while, I'll have this belief that…yes, I could actually be loved my someone. There could actually be a person in this world with whom I could be safe and happy around.

And then something happens and everything gets ruined. And then I'm back to square one. And not only did I trust this person, or these people, but also the universe.

I don't know what hurts worse to be honest, believing and accepting that you would never be loved or having the feeling of being loved for a while and then having that feeling snatched from you abruptly.

I'm scared. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of myself, my life. At this moment, I don't know if I'm happy or not. I'm just…lost.