TRIGGER WARNING:
SELF HARMING

"You dreamed about her," she said after blowing her first batch of smoke.

I sighed, nodding. "I didn't know that you smoke," I said, trying to divert the topic.

She smirked. "Hindi naman. Noong nakaraan lang," she faced me while her cigarette is in between her middle and index finger. "Tell me what you dreamed about, and I'll tell you my déjà rêvé."

Napakunot ako ng noo sa sinabi niya. "Ano? Déjà rêvé?"

She nodded. "Already dreamed, in English. I have repetitive dream about you and a girl. Do you want to know?" she asked.

I nodded, hesitating. Why does she look cool now? Hindi ba siya galit? Why does she look . . . argh. Bakit ba iniisip ko pa 'to?

"Tell me what you dreamed first, that made you went to the rooftop to get some fresh air."

I sighed, remembering what I dreamed about earlier. "It was Grace and I. A part from the past that will always haunt me," I sighed again as I smoke from my cigarette. I blew the smoke after few seconds. "It's not the breakup that hurts, really. It was her condition."

Tumingin ako sa kan'ya, nakakunot ng noo niya. "Condition?"

I nodded. "Grace was one of the most popular girls in our school back when we were in senior high. She's elegant . . . full of grace. Just like her name. Grace Amélie. Masayahin siyang tao. Transparent din. She's very true to herself, that's why I never really think that we have a problem that time."

I sighed as I remembered how I saw her the first time she hurt herself.

~~~

"Grace, why do you have a knife in your bag?!" I asked, angry.

She looked scared as she grasped the hem of my polo. "Someone's following me! Connor, paulit-ulit niyang sinasabi na papatayin niya ang mga taong mahal ko kapag hindi ako namatay!"

My forehead creased at what she said. That's absurd. Kalalabas niya lang ng apartment niya. Imposibleng may sumusunod sa kan'ya kasi umagang-umaga ko siyang sinundo. Wala naman siyang kasama sa bahay maliban sa guards na nasa labas lang naman naka-duty.

"Grace, walang sumusunod sa 'yo," I said.

"No!" She panicked. "Connor, I heard him! While I was taking a bath, I heard him told me that in order to save someone I cared about from dying, I should bring a knife at school!"

"What?" I asked. "This is unbelievable. Grace, stop watching horror movies, please . . ." I sighed as I took her hand. "Let's go to school."

I throw the knife in the garbage bin we walked by but she stopped walking and took it inside. Ang baho ng basurahan pero kinuha niya talaga 'yon sa loob. That made me nervous and scared for her.

The Grace I know feels disgusted with stinky smell. Now, why did Grace take that knife in garbage full of stinky wastes?

She looks like she's losing her mind . . . and I hate to admit it, but I'm slowly losing the face of the woman I fell in love with. But even though after that, my love for her never faded.

"Is this okay?" she asked while holding the knife. She's not looking at me, but I know that she's talking to me because I am the only one she's with.

I was about to answer her when she talked again. "This won't hurt? Okay?"

Before I could stop her, she stabbed her hand with the knife.

"Grace!"

She looked at me, shocked. "Connor, I helped someone."

Kinuha ko ang kutsilyo sa kan'ya at binuhat siya paalis doon. My heart is beating so wild, and I think I am losing my mind. Sobrang sikip ng dibdib ko. Hindi ko man lang nakitang nasaktan siya sa ginawa niya.

"Who told you to do that?!" I asked, angry again.

"Someone."

"Who the fuck is someone?!"

The guards looked shocked when they saw us again. I went inside her apartment and put her on the long couch. I looked for her first aid kit to take care of the wounds but the blood is rushing out of it. I took her again to the sink to wash her hands.

"Connor, I saved a life."

"No! You're hurting yourself!" I shouted.

"No, it doesn't hurt!"

Napatingin ako sa kan'ya sa pagsigaw niya sa akin. Base sa itsura niya, mukha talagang hindi siya nasaktan sa ginawa niya. I wanted to squeeze her hand to see if she reacts, but I can't hurt her more. I love her enough to do that.

I was about to talk when her eyes wander around her apartment. I feel so scared for Grace, I couldn't leave her alone.

~~~

"That, Savannah. That was one of the regrets I'll always carry."

Tumango siya bago tinapon ang upos ng sigarilyo. "Schizophrenia."

I sighed. "I just find out about that illness when she's already gone."

Tumango siyang muli. "Still, it's not your fault. What are you regretting now?"

I didn't answer. I don't want to offend her, but before, I regret not knowing about her condition. Baka sakaling hindi siya umalis.

"Hindi ako gano'n ka-immature para hindi ka maintindihan. Come on, tell me. I heard you groaning from your sleep as I heard you call her name in a faint voice. It must be a bad dream, so I let you out when you woke up." She smiled. "Hindi ako magagalit. Alam kong mahal mo ako."

Muli akong napabuntonghininga bago kinuha ang kamay niya.

"I regret not knowing her conditions earlier. Gusto ko lang naman malaman kung kumusta siya ngayon. Nobody knows about her condition but me. Kaya ako na lang yata ang nag-aalala sa kan'ya. My friends never knew anything about the thing she did."

Bahagyang umawang ang bibig niya, kasabay ng bahagyang pagtango.

"Okay. And then? What about your dream? Hindi mo pa sinasabi sa akin. I want to understand why. I might be majored in art but I definitely know about psychology like a psych major, too. You know that."

I smiled before planting a kiss on her forehead.

"It was another scene where she hurt herself."

I explained her everything about my dream. For every sentence I finished, her little mouth always part. It was cute to watch but in this situation, I couldn't appreciate it like I wanted to.

"Then, maybe the reason that she left you was because she doesn't want you seeing her do things she has no control over."

I intertwined our fingers as I pulled her closer to me. "'Yun nga rin ang naiisip ko, pero pakiramdam ko may iba pa. I don't really mind about that anymore, babe. I really wanted to know how she is now."

Bahagya siyang tumango. "Hindi mo na ba siya mahanap?" I nodded. "Then . . . do you want to see her?"

I didn't answer, because, yes, I want to see her again. Gusto kong malaman kung kumusta na siya.

"Hindi naman ako magagalit. I understand. Gusto ko rin malaman kung kumusta na siya."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako kinabahan sa huling sinabi niya.

"Kasi, palagi ko siyang napapanaginipan, Connor. Lagi kong napapanaginipang nag-i-sleep paralysis siya."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit bigla akong nakaramdam ng takot . . . ng kaba.

"At 'yong painting na nakita mo, 'yung nasa harap ng isang makalumang eskwelahan habang magkaharap kayo, paulit-ulit din sa panaginip ko 'yon."

Napabitiw ako sa kamay niya dahil sa huling sinabi niya. Kitang-kita ko kung paano nagbago ang expression ng mukha niya nang dahil doon.

"I never know Grace but she's been in my mind from the moment I first met you."

Parang sasabog na ang dibdib ko sa bilis ng tibok ng puso ko, at hindi maganda 'to. Bakit ganito? Bakit ako nagkakaganito ngayon?

"And it's not even the first time that you saw me. I already know you before we met at the bar. And since then, I have repetitive dreams about you and Grace."

I heaved a deep sigh. Why am I this nervous and scared?

"What's happening with us?"

She shrugged as her hair dances when the wind blows. "Do you think it's the past lives? Or is it the tuning fork phenomenon that is connected with the parallel universe?"

I couldn't even answer. Hindi nga ako naniniwala sa ganoon, eh. Kaya anong maisasagot ko?

"Or you still don't believe about that?" I was about to answer her when she chuckled. "You always looked tense while talking to me. Connor, hindi naman kita pinipilit maniwala sa mga bagay na pinaniniwalaan ko."

Napalunok ako, hindi dahil sa takot, kundi dahil alam ko sa sarili kong nagkamali ako.

"Hindi mo kailangang magpanggap na naniniwala ka sa mga sinasabi ko, Connor." She smiled and it made me feel more scared. I know that I offended her. "It's my own beliefs; you don't need to pretend to believe that too just to impress me."

After she said that, she smiled again and left me alone in the rooftop.

I sighed in frustration before lighting up a new cigarette.

__

Auditory hallucinations are false perceptions of sound. They have been described as the experience of internal words or noises that have no real origin in the outside world and are perceived to be separate from the person's mental processes. — psychiatrictimes.com

This chapter is dedicated to Marieanneee. Thank you so much for reading and voting every chapters of this story! I hope you're enjoying and learning about some things. :D

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