Soundtrack for this chapter:
I'll Be Home For Christmas—Michael Bublé
How Would You Feel (Paean)—Ed Sheeran
Come On Get Higher—Matt Nathanson

19

Jules

In the days following the Thanksgiving I spent with Theo and our little excursion to SMASH, I had some time to digest all of the information that was downloaded to me in such a short period of time.

I loved Theo so much, and to be made aware of the pain he'd had to carry for seven years was like a bayonet twisting over and over in my stomach. The destruction room was the first thing that came to mind to help him, and given the fact that he spent the entirety of our forty minute drive home scribbling thoughts into the notebook I gave him told me that he was finally starting to get everything out of his head that he'd locked away in it.

In addition to all of the new information I'd gained about Theo, I also walked away from that span of a few days with two fears I held brewing stronger than ever before.

The first had to do with my asshole of an ex-husband and my superb ability to have kept a massive secret from Theo for months. Something in my head told me that when Theo found out about Will, when he finally learned that I'd been concealing something from him when he'd been willing to tell me everything, he'd be done with me. In a lapse of judgment when we were sitting in his parents' living room, my idiot mouth said something along the lines of possibly not being around for much longer. I tried to cover it up, tried to come up with some reason as to why I'd say that other than the fact that I was worried Theo would hate me, but I could tell the comment threw him off, and that in turn made me feel horrible for adding to his stress.

I just needed to get down to Savannah and sign the paperwork. Once that was done, I promised myself I'd tell Theo everything. I'd play him the recordings of my phonecalls with Will if I needed to, regardless of how degrading they were. I'd do whatever I needed to prove to him that I had to wait to tell him everything because I just wasn't ready. He had to understand.

The second fear was a fear that Will and my parents and his parents had planted in me years before, one that Theo's sister reignited while we were playing with Caeden. I'm not a monster (though I was sure everyone back down in Savannah would paint me to be one); I think kids are adorable and sweet and put one in my arms and I'll give it all the love I have to give it. But I wasn't ready to bring a baby into my world. In my head, I had a clear three years before I'd even be ready to entertain the idea of considering having a baby.

My baby would have just one family: its father's. If I were to have a baby with anyone other than Will, that baby, along with me, would never be welcome in the presence of my family back home. How could I do that? How could I deny my child two sets of loving grandparents and families? It felt like an impossibility because I would never have a child with Will, which meant no matter what, my child would only get to experience half of its family.

There wasn't a question in my mind that Theo's family could provide enough love for a child between us to make up for the lack of it from my side, and there was no doubt in my mind that I would love that child with everything I had, but seeing how important family was to Theo worried me that even he may not want to bring a baby into my familial situation.

Something told me Theo wouldn't care, that he would believe that he and I could love a child more than enough to make up for the lack it would experience. I just didn't see how I could deny a child from his or her grandparents, whether it was my choice or not.

And that was just the tip of the iceberg. I knew having a child would mean that my whole life would change, that there would be someone completely dependent on me, someone I'd have to make many sacrifices for. I completely understood how selfish that sounded, but I wasn't ready to halt my career or give up the life I created for myself, one that was so new because I'd really only been on my own for little more than a year.

As Theo and I talked about Caeden that night before we went to sleep, I tried to relate some of these feelings to him but I think they came out a little harsh. I didn't intend it but I couldn't say any more lest I give up the secrets I'd been holding. One lie breeds an infinite number of smaller lies and I just couldn't risk exposing everything and hurting him further.

There were times when I wondered why I was even thinking about kids when Theo and I had only been together for a few months, but kids are dealbreakers for some; I just hoped it wasn't one for Theo.

The universe must have thought there wasn't enough stress in my life because the week after Thanksgiving I received the wakeup call I'd been avoiding in the mail.

The envelope, with gold calligraphy shining on the front, was addressed to Mrs. Will Buchanan.

Like, really? I don't even get my first name anymore?

I tore the envelope to shreds and tossed them into the trash. My mother and father went all out with the invitations that year. They were embossed with gold leaf and printed on the thickest cardstock I'd ever held. Upon closer inspection, I found them to be hand written, presumably by the same calligrapher who designed the envelopes. The formality of the invitation made me gag.

To our most esteemed guest,

Your presence is requested at the annual Calhoun family Christmas celebration.

The evening's festivities will begin precisely at half-past five with a string quartet in the garden of The Manorhill Estate in Savannah, Georgia.

A cocktail hour and six course meal are to follow.

Wishing you all the splendor of the Christmas season!

Sincerely,
Mr. & Mrs. Thomas Calhoun

"Sincerely" my ass. My teeth were set on edge and my mind was seething. The Manorhill Estate. It was the place Will and I were married at, and it's choosing for that year's Christmas party was beyond clear.

Though everything seemed to have taken on a shade of red, I filled out the equally pretentious RSVP card that was enclosed and shoved it into my work bag to drop off in the mailroom on my way to work the following morning. I shuffled the invitation into the mail organizer I had on my counter and resolved not to think about it until the morning of my flight back to Savannah.

***

December was always a stressful month at Parnassus. Final exams were approaching, and our dear freshman who never had to deal with the pressure of college finals before tended to flood our office on the verge of nervous breakdowns.

But no matter how many students passed through our doors, I couldn't forget about Katie. Having never gotten a response from her, I pressed Andy and Lydia constantly to see if either of them had heard anything, but I was met with the same response every time I asked.

After a particularly draining week, I crashed the moment I returned to my apartment. I had a plan to just lay down for a few minutes, just close my eyes to rest them for a little, but I was out almost the second my eyes shut out the light.

I woke to a hurried pounding on my door, one that startled me awake enough to make me question whether it was just a few minutes after I'd fallen asleep or the middle of the night.

I shuffled out of bed to the door, too groggy to even offer a small "coming" to the ferocious knocker. When I pulled open the door, Theo's knocking fist almost made contact with my face.

"Fuck. That would've been bad."

I rubbed my eyes and shook off the shock of almost being knocked in the face. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, nice to see you too."

I moved out of the way for Theo to pass by me into my apartment.

"Sorry. Still waking up. Is something wrong?"

"I was waiting outside to pick you up, you know, for our date tonight? And when you didn't answer your phone, I, um, I just got a little nervous."

"I'm sorry. I laid down when I got home from work and I must've just passed out. I didn't even hear my phone. Honestly, I don't think I even took it out of my work bag." A quick inspection confirmed that.

Theo came and wrapped his arms around me, and it was a place I could stay in forever.

"I love you."

"Love you too, T. Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, everything's okay. What do you want to do?"

"Order in?"

"An excellent idea. Pizza?"

"An even excellent-er idea."

He laughed at me as he pulled out his phone and started making the call while I dragged my feet to the bathroom to pull myself together. My hair was a wild bird's nest of mashed curls and bobby pins. The liner I'd swiped on nearly twelve hours earlier was smudged under my eyes, and tiny remnants of a mauve lipstick still stuck to my lips. None of it was worth salvaging. I washed the whole mess off; if Theo couldn't love me without makeup, did he really love me at all?

In my bedroom I changed into yoga pants and a comfy sweater. Winter in Boston was no joke; it was a massive adjustment the previous year when one morning I woke up to more than a foot of snow. We hadn't had any snow yet; it was still a little too early for that, but the colder weather did remind me of something I wanted to discuss with Theo.

I returned to my living room to find him making himself comfortable on the couch while flipping through the channels on TV. Before joining him, I poured two glasses of wine out of the bottle I had open in the fridge.

With wine in hand, I snuggled up next to him on the couch.

"Have you ever been to Vermont?"

"We drove up for a vacation once when I was a kid. Why?"

"I think I'd like to go there."

He set his glass on the coffee table and adjusted on the couch to be able to face me. "What would you want to do there?"

"Ski?"

He let out a little laugh. "Sorry, but ski? Miss I never take risks and am very careful with my health wants to go skiing in Vermont?"

I felt myself shrinking. "I just thought it might be fun. Might be something you'd like to do with me."

"Don't get like that. I was only joking." He took my wine glass and set it next to his, then pulled me into him. "Of course I'd like to do that with you. Haven't been skiing in a few years, but it's like riding a bike."

"So, you can show me how?"

"Course I can. When do you want to go?"

"I was thinking January. I won't have much to do around here with all of the kids gone on winter break. I know you said you use up a lot of your vacation time around the holidays, so if the timing doesn't work—"

"Jules, I rarely ever take real vacations. I'm sure I've got a pile of vacation days I can pull from for a little weekend getaway to Vermont. Besides, if it means knowing you'll still be around in January if I plan a vacation with you, then I'll take the days."

His words cut deep; they churned up that icy feeling in my chest that I absolutely hated. "You still hung up on that?"

He shifted uncomfortably. "I just don't know why you'd say something like that. Don't you want to be together?"

"Of course I do, but, I don't know, what if something happens to one of us, or what if I do something or you do something that screws us up? Neither of us knows what tomorrow holds; you probably understand that even better than I do. I mean, really, we've only been together for a few months. I know it feels like longer, but we're still learning things about each other."

He didn't say anything at first, and I had the foreboding feeling that our conversation was about to take a deeper turn.

"Do you...do you see yourself with a family in your future? With kids?"

And there it was. His eyes were locked on mine, and there was no way I could lie right to his face.

My chest moved up and down with deep breaths before I was able to string together the words. "Understand that I don't like talking about my past relationship in front of you because it feels weird and oddly disrespectful. One of the reasons things didn't work out in my, er, marriage, was because of the pressure I was feeling to have kids. By the time I was twenty-two, I was a wife. Before I turned twenty-three, there were discussions being had about having children. I wasn't ready for that, and I stalled as long as I could. And it wasn't just him; my parents and his chimed in as well. Now...now that I'm out of it, I just don't see it happening for a few years. I'm not saying never, but I can tell you it's not even on my radar right now."

I watched his muscles tense up under the ink on his arm. "I get it, Jules, as much as I can, it's just...I'm turning thirty soon. I'm not getting any younger, and I don't want to be the dad who gets mistaken for his kid's grandfather."

"Theo, I...you know how I feel about you, but we've only been together for a few months. It's...I think it might be a little early to be seriously discussing children."

"I don't want to waste my time."

That one made my heart skip a beat, but not in the proverbial good way.

He quickly added, "Or yours."

I started to blink, unsure if it was because I was nervous or because I was trying not to cry. "Do you feel like this is a waste of time?"

"I—"

But he was cut off by his phone ringing, signifying the fact that our pizza had arrived. He answered it then quickly hung up. He stood from the couch, took out his wallet, and thumbed through it for a twenty. When he pulled one out, the St. Michael medallion I'd given him fell from his wallet onto the floor.

A deep scarlet built in his cheeks as he bent to pick up the medal. With his wallet tossed onto the couch, he left with the twenty and St. Michael.

Once the door shut behind him, I took a number of deep breaths to calm myself down and dabbed quickly at the tear or two that escaped. But my eyes didn't stop after just two tears; I started to feel a heaviness in my chest, and I got up to splash a bit of cool water on my face, fearing a small panic attack may set in; my reaction to potentially losing Theo was all  the confirmation I needed to know he was someone I wanted to be with for as long as possible.

Just as I made it to the bathroom, I heard my apartment door open and close and a shuffling of feet down the hall. In seconds, I was face to face with Theo.

"I don't think you're a waste of time, Jules. I don't think this is a waste of time." And then his arms were around me and his mouth on mine and I was craving his touch more than I ever had before, and all I wanted was to feel the love between us that I knew existed.

With ease, Theo lifted me and carried me just a few steps over into my bedroom. Clothing fell to the floor in seconds and I realized that the hunger and animalism that filled us in that moment was everything I'd expected our one night stand to be; but this was so much more. This was pure desire and need and fingertips dragging along each other's skin and hips sinking into each other with such a passion as I'd yet to experience.

Both of us laid there, chests heaving, Theo's a little more than mine, and I remembered his trauma and his surgery and his limited breathing capacity. I hovered over him immediately.

"Are you alright?"

He closed his eyes and held a finger between us, so I waited. I waited until his chest stopped heaving with such wild convulsions; it was even worse than his reaction in the destruction room.

When his eyes finally opened, I rolled back onto my side next to him.

"Haven't done it like that in a long time. My lungs, they don't...they don't always allow me to get air in quickly enough. With everything that was going though my mind and—"

"You don't need to explain, Theo. I get it."

He rolled onto his side; his free hand brushed some of the hair out of my face. "I didn't mean what I said. I want kids; I meant that part, but I know it's still early in our relationship. I just really fucking love you, Jules."

I moved towards him as closely as I could. "I love you too, Theo." His lips came down onto the top of my head, and I left a kiss on his chest.

"Hungry?"

"Starving."

And then the remainder of our evening passed with pizza and wine and plans for a trip to Vermont come January, pushing thoughts of the miserable Christmas I was going to have to spend back in Savannah to the farthest parts of my mind.

A/N: HI!

Life is crazy, but you already knew that.

I hope you enjoyed this and will vote and comment and chat with me!

Have a lovely week ❤️

-L

P.s. Big things coming your way next week xx