*Trigger warning: Theo responds to a graphic car accident, with fatalities, about ⅔ of the way through this chapter.

Soundtrack for this chapter:
November Rain—Guns N' Roses
All My Life—Foo Fighters
Cherry Wine—Hozier

20

Theo

No one ever made me feel as confused as Jules. One moment she was telling me she might not be around for long, then the next we're planning a trip to Vermont. One moment we're seconds away from heartbreak, and the next we're making love to each other like we couldn't possibly live without the other.

She takes my breath away. Literally.

I had to resign myself to the fact that I just couldn't plan things out with Jules too far into the future. I needed to slow down and take everything day by day with her, but if that meant keeping her in my life, I was more than willing to do it. Something in me knew that we were meant to be together, and I wasn't going to give her up so easily.

***

Jules wanting to go skiing in Vermont threw me off as she specifically told me she didn't do things that would endanger her health. Before we booked a hotel, or maybe even one of those new deals where you stay in someone's apartment, I had to see if Jules was really willing to take a risk. We were about halfway into December, and without giving her any hint as to where I was going to take her, I picked her up from Parnassus for our Friday night date.

She hopped into my car, dressed in full Boston winter attire—boots, jeans, sweater, warm puffy jacket, scarf, gloves, and even a hat—I'd told her to dress warmly, and she took that directive to heart.

"Am I going to be okay with all this? I have leggings on under my jeans as well." The tip of her nose was already turning a little pink from the cold.

"Think you'll be alright." I leaned across the seat and set my lips on hers, transferring just a bit of warmth to them. "What's it like in Savannah right now?"

"Probably in the low sixties. You should've seen me last year. The first time it really snowed, I was totally unprepared."

I couldn't help but give her a little laugh out of pity. Boston winters aren't for the faint of heart.

"Understandable. I was able to send nearly all of my winter gear back home when I was stationed in South Carolina. Didn't even see one snowflake the first year I was there."

I reached across the center console and set my gloved hand in hers. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched a smile bloom on her face.

"So, where are we headed?"

"That, my dear Jules, is a surprise."

"I don't really do surprises. I figured you'd tell me when we were on our way."

"Nope. But you'll like it. I think."

Her eyes grew wide for a second, which stretched my own smile across my face. As I drove us closer and closer to our destination, I felt a little guilty knowing I was about to lie to her, but it was necessary.

There was a massive pond just outside Boston that my brothers and I used to go to as kids to play ice hockey on; it was all formed from runoff, so there was zero chance of falling through the ice into freezing water, but I didn't plan on telling Jules that. I drove out earlier in the week to see if it had frozen over yet, and when I saw a few other kids skating around on it, I knew it was time to bring her.

The moment I pulled off the road onto the dirt path, I felt the weary look Jules was sending my way.

"Relax. You'll like it. I think."

When I pulled up to the pond, I had to admit that if I didn't know it was only a few inches deep, I too would've been cautious of skating on it. The expanse of it was so big that it didn't seem like it could be shallow.

"You brought me to a frozen pond?"

I rolled my eyes at her, but she missed it. "You'll see. Meet me around the back." I hopped out of the car and popped the trunk. There laid my old skates, as well as a pair I borrowed from my sister for Jules.

The moment she saw them, she threw her hands up. "Absolutely not."

"Jules—"

"Nope. Not doing it. You aren't either. What if one of us falls through the ice?"

Hook. Line. Sinker.

"I used to skate here all the time with my brothers when we were kids. It's fine."

"Uh-uh. You were smaller then. Now you're a grown man. And I'm a grown woman. We'll get hypothermia and die. Not happening."

"Okay, listen, you need to lighten up. It's going to be fine. Here, just sit on the edge of the trunk and I'll help you put these on." I held up Erin's skates.

"Theo, I don't—"

"You do realize we've started planning a trip to Vermont, right? One where we will literally be at risk of breaking a bone the entire time we're there? We are not going to drive all the way there and then turn around because you're scared. You have to stop putting limits on yourself and just do it."

Something changed on her face. It was subtle, and I couldn't quite place where the change had taken; was it something in her eyes? In the curvature of her lips?

She began nodding her head up and down. "Okay. Just. Maybe we can stay along the perimeter?"

"Jules."

"Okay, okay." She stripped off her boots, and I eased each of her feet into the skates and helped her lace them up. Once I was finished, I put on my own skates and stood in front of her.

"Alright, give me your hands; I'm going to help you up." She stood in the skates, a little wobbly, but she stood. "Now, try to bend your ankles a bit. Feel tight and secure?"

"I think so."

"Then we're good to go. The ground is pretty hard because it's so cold out, so you shouldn't sink too much. Just hang on for support if you need it."

"I really don't want to break an ankle, Theo."

"Do you want to go skiing in Vermont?"

She growled, actually growled, but grasped my arm and walked with me to the edge of the pond.

"I'll go first. Have you ever used roller skates before?"

She just looked at me.

"Wow. You know what, just watch me for a moment, then when I come back and we stand you on the ice, try to mimic my movements."

I helped ease her down into a seated position and then took off on the ice. I skated slowly in front of her, showing her how to accelerate forward and how to push off to move quickly enough so that she wouldn't fall over. When I went back to her to help her up, she looked into my eyes with little apprehension.

"How do I stop?"

"Well, how about for now, we just focus on getting you up? I won't let go, so you don't have to worry about stopping on your own."

She grabbed at my outstretched hands, and I pulled her up to standing. Unfortunately, the second she got both feet on the ice, her ass hit it as well.

How could I possibly keep my laughter in?

"Stop laughing! I've never done this before. Can you calm yourself enough to help me up?"

"Sorry, sorry Jules. It's just, I've never seen someone go down that quickly."

She stuck her tongue out at me as I helped raise her from the ice. Her hands gripped my arms so tightly that I wondered if they'd be covered in little bruises come the following morning. "Okay, I'm going to get behind you and hold your hips. You're going to try to propel us forward. I'll push us off and maintain our speed, nice and slow, alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, just get ready to fall down a lot."

"We won't fall if I'm holding you. I promise." I brushed a little hair out of her face, and she picked her head up and set her lips on mine. "Love you, Jules."

"Love you, too."

I switched positions with her and gripped her waist. Once we were both stable, I kicked us off and helped her push us forward. Things were clumsy at first, as expected, but once we were on the ice for a few minutes, I could feel the stiffness of her body leave it as she began to relax. Soon enough, she was getting the hang of it, and as we rounded the pond again, I let go of her and watched her slowly skate on her own.

I forgot that I hadn't taught her how to stop until the moment I felt a soft thud behind me. If I hadn't been skating since I was a kid, we both would've toppled onto the ice. Her laughter was muffled in the fabric of my jacket.

I turned to face her. "Enjoying yourself?"

She nodded. "But I'm getting a little cold. And hungry."

"Me too. Wanna head back into town?"

She nodded again, and we made our ways back to the edge of the ice.

In the car, I blasted the heat for a moment before driving off.

Jules turned to look at me with a big smile across her face. "Thanks. I'm glad you pushed me a little out of my comfort zone."

"I'm happy you enjoyed it. I do have to confess something though."

Her eyebrows came together as her head tilted sideways.

"That pond is just runoff. It's no more than a few inches deep. I wouldn't actually put your life in that much danger. I kinda care about it, a lot."

She looked as if she wanted to both punch and kiss me, but when her lips made contact with mine, I found myself smiling into them.

"I love you, T."

"I love you too, Calhoun."

After we ate dinner, I drove Jules back to my house and we spent the night there. As we laid in bed, a question that had been forming in my mind all night made its way out between us.

"Jules?"

"Hm?"

"I, uh, I was wondering if you had any plans for Christmas."

Her body seemed to tense up a little before she spoke. "Like, actual Christmas Day?"

"Mhmm. If you do, don't worry about it. I know it's only like two weeks away. I just thought..."

"If you're asking me to spend Christmas with you and your family, I'd love to. I...I'm visiting a friend down south the week before, but I should be back in Boston by the evening of the twenty-third."

"Oh, yeah, awesome. I thought it would be nice to have you around. Everyone loved having you there at Thanksgiving. I, um, I didn't realize you were traveling next week."

"I don't think I mentioned it. I'll just be gone a few days."

"I didn't even realize you still had friends down there. You never talk about them."

"I've got a few ties down there. But that's nothing. Thank you for inviting me to Christmas with the Brynes." We'd both been lying on our backs, and she turned to face me.

"Of course. They all love you. Not as much as I do, though."

I snaked my arm around her and pulled her close. We fell asleep tangled up in each other, and though it was a little uncomfortable at times, it had become my preferred sleeping position.

***

I'd already put in my vacation time so I could hang out with Jules more in the week before Christmas, but now that she was going to be travelling up to the day before it, I let the station know that I could be on call that week. I had one twelve hour shift I needed to get through before I could spend one more night with her before she left, but I'd woken up that morning with a frigid sense of dread.

A quick look out the window was all I needed to know we were going to get called to multiple accidents. There were patches of ice coating the streets and it was already starting to snow again.

I sent Jules a quick note to be careful should she venture outside.

My shift started at seven in the morning, and by ten after we were on our way to a pile up on Route 9. That one wasn't too awful. The cars were pretty banged up, but only one person had to be taken to the hospital. We didn't get back to the station until after noon; our little reprieve didn't last long.

By one o'clock, we were back on the road to assist an elderly woman who'd slipped on ice, and before we even made it back to the station, we were called in as back up to a massive crash on Route 1. When we got the call, they'd already confirmed one fatality.

My mind tends to go into this alternate universe when we're responding to a crash like that; I'm no longer Theo Bryne, who lives in Beacon Hill, who served in the military, who lost one of his friends in the worst way possible. My mind goes to this place where every ounce of me is focused on the task at hand, is focused on trying to save someone's life.

It wasn't the cold air that sent the chill down my spine as we approached the scene. When you've already been made aware that there was an instant fatality, you know to expect the worst, but I'd never seen vehicles as mangled as they were at that accident.

With my mind engaged in only what was around me, Dave and I worked tirelessly around the scene, helping wherever we could. There was a still someone unaccounted for, someone they were ripping through the twisted metal and broken glass to get to. I joined the search, and my eyes caught sight of a hand.

"Here! Over here!" I worked to create a clear path between me and the hand, between me and the young boy we'd been looking for.

Others came, they all pulled, all worked to free him. But it didn't matter. It didn't matter how quickly we freed him of the metal surrounding him because the moment he was freed of the steel cage he'd been trapped in, his body hung lifeless in his rescuer's hands.

I turned from the scene as quickly as possible and vomited next to one of the twisted heaps of metal that had once been a car. The tightness in my chest intensified more than I'd ever felt before, and my eyes stung with the prospect of tears, but there was more that had to be done. I stood upright to jump back into the scene and was met with Dave.

He put his hands on my shoulders. "Everyone is accounted for and being assisted. It's time for us to go back to the station."

There were no tears in his eyes. There was no panic in his chest. How was he okay?

No one spoke on the way back, but I couldn't have responded even if they had.

When we pulled into the station, I lifted my head from my hands and stared across at Dave when he called my name.

"Your brother home?"

I nodded.

"Have him pick you up. You shouldn't drive right now."

"I'm—"

"You're not. No one is okay after the first time they have to deal with a kid involved. I'm taking you off call this week. Don't argue. I'll see you in the new year."

He hopped out of the rig, and I took out my phone and stared down at it. Nothing could have prepared me for that. Nothing ever would have.

I texted Danny to ask him to come get me and take me to Parnassus. I needed Jules more than ever that night.

***

When I arrived on campus, it was nothing for me to walk right into her building and up to her door; it never had been hard to infiltrate.

The moment she opened the door, everything came pouring out. I couldn't stop the tears or the words or the emotions, half of which I couldn't even sort through.

She held her arms around me, and I'd never felt so weak and helpless and angry at everything and nothing at the same time.

I pulled away from her and searched her features, trying to judge how she was feeling about me in that moment. I closed my eyes and shook my head, attempted to scatter the dark thoughts that were trying to invade it.

"I need to write this down. I need paper. A pen." I stood from her couch, despite her protests that she would get what I needed. In her little kitchen, on the counter, there was this organizer that she kept mail and paper and pens in; I'd seen it every time I was in her apartment, and I knew I'd find what I needed in it.

"Theo, let me—"

And but her words stopped cold between us as my eyes landed on a shining gold piece of paper. My fingers lifted it from the organizer as my eyes took in its words. An invitation to a Christmas party...that Friday...in Savannah. Hosted by Jules' parents. Manorhill Estate. Half-past five. What the actual fuck?

"What the fuck is this?" It was harsh, and angry, and loud, and I couldn't pinpoint why all of my anger at the world was suddenly directed at Jules.

A flash of panic wiped across her face as I felt my chest grow tight once again.

"It's—"

"An invitation, clearly. Are you going to this? Is this the friend you're going to go see in Savannah?"

She put her hands up between us: a surrender. "If we could just talk—"

"Talk? About what? About the fact that you lied to me about this? What—why would you even lie about something like this?"

She was maintaining her composure, I'd give her that; mine had left hours before.

"I didn't mean—"

"Are you ashamed of me or something?"

"What?" Genuine confusion was etched across her face.

"Because I'm not some rich fucking bastard? Because I'm not of the quality of people your parents are used to being around? Is that why you'd hide this from me?"

"No, Theo. They don't even know about you."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better? They don't even know about me. It's quite obvious that you don't give a fuck—"

"Why are you yelling at me? My parents are shitty people; you've said that yourself. Why would you want anything to do with them?"

"If they're so terrible, why are you going? Clearly, there's a reason you didn't tell me about this. You lied to me to cover up the fact that you're going back home to Savannah to appease your parents at some bullshit party they're throwing. Clearly, you haven't changed at all since leaving Savannah even though you walk around here like you've made this big life change, like you're so different from the people who raised you. Are you, Jules? Are you really any different?"

Her composure was slipping, the tears were threatening, but I didn't care. For some fucked up reason, screaming at her was replacing all of the pain I'd been feeling deep in my heart.

"I'm sorry I lied to you but I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I didn't want—"

"So it's okay for us to just lie to each other to spare the other person's feelings? What else have you been hiding from me? What else have you been lying about? Do you actually love me? Or have you been lying about that too to keep from hurting my feelings?"

"What—why would you say that? Of course I love you, Theo. I've been in love with you for months."

"Well this is a beautiful way to show it, isn't it? Something's not right here. I don't think you're as strong as you claim to be, as independent as you think you are. Your parents are still controlling you. They've still got a hold on you, and this," I raised the invitation in the air, "proves it. You think you've changed and you've grown into your own person, but it's all bullshit, Jules. From the moment we met, you made ridiculous judgements about me based on what you saw; I'm sure you learned that skill from your beloved parents. Maybe you're not so different from them as you seem. Maybe this entire fucking relationship was a lie."

She was crying. I think I was, too. Everything was crumbling before me and I was wholeheartedly convinced that everything she'd ever said to me was a lie. Something felt like it was backfiring in my brain, as if all ability to reason logically had melted away.

"It's not, Theo. I love you. I love you more than anything else in this entire world. I know you're upset but I don't think you mean these things. You're just saying them because you're hurt right now and—"

"Do not, do not start feeding me therapist bullshit. You want to know something, Jules? Intially, I wanted to be with you because of your background, because I thought you could help me sort through all of the shit I've been through that's been locked in my head for seven years. But I was wrong. You're no better than the shrink they had me talking to at the VA. I was wrong about everything I've ever thought about you."

Why? Why couldn't I stop myself from saying those things? I meant none of them, none of them at all, yet there I was, ready to put the final nail in the coffin that held the last four months of my life.

I ripped my wallet from my back pocket, picked out the St. Michael medallion she'd given me, and slammed it on the counter.

"You can take back this precious little apology gift. I don't need it reminding me of you or the time when I thought you cared about me. I take back what I said a few weeks ago. This was a waste of time."

And then my feet were moving towards the door. Despite her protests, despite her hands clutching at the back of my shirt, despite her tears and mine.

It was hard to walk out of her apartment. It felt like someone was trying to physically push me back into it. Was that you, Gabe? But the damage was done, and there was no turning back.

Would I regret every single word I said in the morning? Absolutely. But it didn't matter. I tore her to shreds, and if I were her, I'd never want to see me again. Besides, she was going to be on a flight back to the life she'd always known before I could ever make it to her in time, and I had suspicions she may never come back at all.

A/N: It's long, but I ask that you read the whole thing. Also, please don't hate me for what's happening to Jules and Theo right now; it has to happen, so you're just going to have to trust me like you did with Elle and Jude :)

Okay, get ready for the most amazing news in the world (in case you didn't already see it in my Friday post).

Someone Else won a Watty in the Riveting Reads category!

I'm still in shock over this and can't believe it happened. You all were instrumental in making that happen because I would have never been able to do what I have with my writing without you and the entire Wattpad community. You all have given me more love and support than I could have ever asked for, and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Now, unfortunately, with this amazing news comes some not so amazing news.

I'm stressed out, guys. Like, stressed out to the point where I'm getting so exhausted from everything I'm doing that I'm having tension headaches, lightheadedness, and I always seem to be one florescent bulb away from a migraine.

I have three massive things happening in my personal life and work life right now, and I just can't manage Crescendo on top of everything else. Please, please, please understand that this disappoints and hurts me far more that it will you.

I need to take a little break from Crescendo; about three weeks to be exact.

In three weeks, my three massive projects will dwindle down to just one, and then I can come back to Crescendo with all I've got. This story means too much to me to give you a crappy chapter just to give you a chapter.

I may be able to get something out to you between now and the last weekend of October, but I just can't promise it. Honestly, I cried three times on Wednesday because I was so overwhelmed, and that's not okay.

I was a reader on Wattpad for three years before I started writing on it, and I know what it's like to have to wait on chapters and I'm sorry that I have to do that to you, but I need to put myself first right now.

I hope you understand xx

With all my love,

L