Soundtrack for this chapter:
We Are Young—FUN
My Hero— Foo Fighters
Faint—Linkin Park

18

Theo

As I followed Aiden out into the yard, I could see his body working through the nerves he was feeling.

Mom and dad's yard had been the setting of countless fights, games of catch, and tearful goldfish burials. Looking out at it that Thanksgiving morning, the trees, their leaves now shades of orange and yellow, surrounded the perimeter, and mom's garden took up over a third of the space. Aiden sat down at the bench our grandfather, the one on mom's side, had built a few years before he died. We often used that bench as a place for reflection, and it seemed our use for it that Thanksgiving was going to be no different.

Even though I told Jules I didn't want to rehearse anything, all I could do was try to think of what Aiden might say first. When he finally spoke up, I'll admit I was taken a little off guard.

"I'm sorry for saying the things I said to you last night. I shouldn't have thrown your choice to serve our country back at you like that." He kept his eyes locked on the grass the entire time.

A sigh released from my chest. "It's okay. You were angry and—"

"Don't make an excuse for me, T. You were right last night. I need to get it together. I just...I don't know. I see how much success you and Dan and Mary, and even Erin already have. How can I compete with that?"

He finally picked his head up and looked at me. There was fear in his eyes, genuine fear of disappointing someone.

"There's no one you have to compete with. You're only a few months out of college. Things will fall into place. Besides, you're working for one of the best marketing firms in Boston. How could you feel like that's not good enough?"

He didn't say anything. Instead, he turned his eyes back to the ground.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Apparently we were moving on in the conversation. But I didn't know how to approach his question. I wished mom or dad was there to take the fall.

"I don't have a good answer for that. I guess there was never a moment where I thought it would be a good time. It's...it's obviously not something I aim to bring up. I've been internally dealing with it for seven years. Talking about it out loud brings back too many memories."

"Am I the only one in our entire family who didn't know what happened?"

"Erin doesn't know either. You have to understand, Aiden. You two were still in high school when it happened. Mom and dad didn't think you needed the whole story."

"I get it. I feel like if I knew though, I don't know, maybe things would've been put into perspective."

I stifled a laugh. "You still knew I was shot, that I was recovering in a hospital on another continent, that I was bound to have some shit to deal with when I came home."

Again, he didn't say anything, and I hoped he was at least processing everything in his head.

"I'm not trying to make you feel bad, really. I've learned a lot since I was your age. You will too."

He turned his head back up to look at me. "You going to tell Erin?"

"Yeah. Not today, but I will. Soon."

Aiden and I stood from grandpa's bench at the same time, and when I made a move to clap him on the shoulder, he pulled me into a brotherly hug; instinctively my arms went around him, but I realized I couldn't remember the last time I'd actually hugged him.

On our way back into the house, I nudged him with my shoulder. "You know, if you ever want to go do something, just let me know. My sleep schedule is already fucked from work, so if you want to go somewhere on the weekends or when you get home from work, even if I've just done a twelve hour shift, say the word."

He smiled, then opened the back door into the house. When my eyes found Jules, I was instantly transported a few years into the future. Leaning against the door frame, I took in the scene.

My sister Mary was looking for something in the massive bag she brought everywhere that seemed to have every possible thing a child could need in it. Her husband was carrying large containers of food they had prepared into the kitchen. And then there was Jules, cradling a crying Caeden in her arms. She bounced him up and down in her hold, attempting to pacify him in some way. Mary then yanked her hand out of the bag, holding a pacifier between her fingers as if it were the Holy Grail. The second it was placed in Caeden's mouth, he quieted and melted into Jules' arms.

I peeled myself from the door frame and approached them. When Mary saw me, her notorious lack of a filter became apparent to Jules.

"Oh hey, Theo. Your girlfriend over here has a real gift for quieting kids."

Jules eyes widened as much as mine.

"Oh, sorry. Are you two not a thing? The way mom talks about you two it's as if you're ready to walk down the aisle."

Jules' face paled as mine reddened. "You'll have to excuse my sister, Jules. She was born without a filter."

"I just say what everyone else is thinking." She winked at me and then motioned for her son. Jules quickly placed him in her hands. "I've got to get some food in him, then you're welcome to him all you want, Theo." She must've noticed my disappointment when I realized she was leaving the room with him. I think I may have loved that little guy more than the rest of them thrown together.

No one else was in the room, and that meant I was free to make a move on Jules without awkward glances from my siblings. I caught her face in my hands and set my lips on hers, and just like any other time she kissed me, the tangle of wires in my brain and knots in my stomach smoothed out and a new calmness passed through me.

Jules searched my eyes, searched for a hint that the conversation with Aiden had been okay.

"We're cool. He understands, at least, I think he does."

"Good. Maybe this can be a bit of a reset for your relationship. Forget everything that has happened and just move forward."

"Yeah. I hope it works out that way."

Then she lifted her arms and wrapped them around my torso and squeezed. And fuck if I could stay in her hold all day.

With my chin resting on the top of her head, I apologized for my sister. "Sorry about Mary. I could tell what she said made you a little uncomfortable."

"You don't have to apologize for her. We are boyfriend and girlfriend. It was more the walking down the aisle part that got me. I guess, I don't know, it's not that I'd never get married again, it's just..."

"I can hear in your voice that you're getting worked up, and that's not what today is supposed to be about. You don't need to explain anything to me."

"Thanks."

I placed a soft kiss in her hair before releasing her. Just as I did, Mary returned with Caeden, all smiles.

"He's all yours, Theo. I need to go save Oliver from mom." And with that, my nephew was thrust into my hands and Mary was back out of the room.

I lifted Caeden up and down, eliciting little giggles from him. Out of the corner of my eye, I could just make out Jules' expression; her smile matched my own, and that filled my heart with more happiness than anything else that day. I started walking over to the couch in the living room to sit with Caeden, and Jules followed.

"How old is he?"

"Little over a year. We actually had a small birthday party for him the weekend before we met."

"Can I hold him?"

"Course. Here," she held out her hands, and I set Caeden into them.

Watching Jules with Caeden brought back the memories of her interacting with the little boy from the hayride we went on. She was so gentle with him, her eyes brimming with care, and she even took on that little voice that everyone can't help but make when speaking to a baby.

"He likes you."

She shrugged her shoulders. "He's a baby. He's going to like anyone who holds and entertains him."

I don't know how long Jules and I were sitting there playing with Caeden, but it was long enough for the rest of our family to arrive and for us to have not known it. Mary came back into the room, this time accompanied by my paternal grandparents, who almost immediately claimed that it was their turn to see Caeden.

While grandpa held him, grandma took the opportunity to take us in. She hugged me as well as she could with her frail arms.

"Lovely to see you dear," and she pulled me down to leave a kiss on my cheek, her Irish accent thick as ever. "Now your father told us you were bringing someone to dinner today, is this her?"

Grandma gestured at Jules, who was hanging just slightly back from me.

"Yes, grandma." I reached for Jules' hand behind me and pulled her next to me. "This is my girlfriend, Jules."

Grandma held out her hands, and Jules clasped them with her own.

"It's nice to meet you, Mrs.—"

"Bryne, deary. We're Theo's father's parents."

"Theo never mentioned you two were from Ireland. Was Theo's dad born there as well?"

"He was, but we came here very shortly after he was born. Now, if you don't mind, I need to do some catching up with my great-grandson." Grandma gave Jules' hands a little squeeze before joining grandpa and Caeden.

Once they were out of earshot, Jules turned to me. "I didn't realize your family was like, from Ireland. That's really cool. I bet they have all kinds of interesting traditions."

"You should see our St. Patrick's day celebrations." I raised my eyebrows at her.

"If I'm still around, maybe I'll get to."

What?

"Huh?"

"I mean, I hope I'm still around, but I've learned not to count on anything as a guarantee."

Just when I'd thought I had her figured out, she changed direction once again. "For what it's worth, I also hope you're still around. I don't plan on going anywhere, Jules."

Wheels were churning behind her eyes, but I didn't think I wanted to know what they were churning, so I kept the questions I had in my head, where they belonged.

***

Dinner couldn't have gone by smoother. Aiden caused zero stress and was actually more than willing to help clean up and entertain some of our older family members. If Jules was feeling overwhelmed by the number of people she'd met, she didn't show it. She was the epitome of composure and grace in all of her interactions with my family. At times, I wondered if it was something she'd learned from having to engage with her father's business clients, but she seemed more than genuine in every conversation I saw her have with my family.

At the end of the day, when the desserts had all been eaten, when the cars were all packed with leftovers, and when almost all of the goodbyes had been said, we found ourselves back in the living room, each of us with a mug of coffee, and Caeden once again in my arms. He was nearly asleep, and I'd offered us up to watch over him as Mary and Oliver finished packing their car.

"Want to hold him one last time? He's almost asleep."

"Oh, okay." She set her mug down, and I placed Caeden in her arms. She rocked him back and forth, and his eyes grew even heavier with sleep. By the time Mary came in to take him, he had drifted off.

"You two are naturals."

For the first time that day, I witnessed one of Jules' forced smiles. I sent Mary a look that I hoped would communicate "What the fuck?" It shouldn't have surprised me that she just waved me off with a flick of her hand.

Jules held the sleeping Caeden out to Mary, who then placed him in a carseat and made her way out the door. I watched a visible sigh escape Jules' lips and turned to her.

"Ready to head out?"

She nodded at me, and we left the living room to find my parents.

Mom asked us at least three times if we had taken enough leftovers; I caught a prominent eye roll from dad each time she asked.

"Really, mom. We've got plenty. Thank you for dinner today. Everything was great."

She hugged me, holding on a little longer as she always did, then turned to her next target.

"I hope our crazy family wasn't too much to take in at once."

"Not at all, Colleen. This was one of the best Thanksgivings I've ever had. Thank you."

With a final round of hugs, we were able to escape out to my car and start our journey home. Jules was quiet during the drive, and given the amount of information she had to absorb over the past twenty-fours hours, I thought it may be best to give her a bit of space.

Once back at my house, with the leftovers tucked safely away in the fridge, we made our ways upstairs and crashed into bed. We settled into the mattress, brought the comforter up over us, and became a tangle of limbs with our bodies intertwining. Every night I was able to hold her, I made sure to hold her as closely as possible. If she thought something was going to happen to pull us apart, I wanted to reinforce to her that I didn't have plans of going anywhere without her.

"I may not have said it as frankly as my sister, but you do seem to have a knack for pacifying little kids. You calmed that young boy on the hayride after he fell, and you rocked Caeden to sleep."

"It's always easier when it's someone else's kid. You get to experience only the good parts, and then give them back so you can keep living your life."

Well, shit.

"What do you mean?"

"Like, we got to play with Caeden today and hold him, which was nice, but we didn't have to deal with any of the actual responsibilities of having a child. We didn't have to feed him or change him or listen to him wail all night as we're trying to sleep. We don't have to alter our lives to fit into his schedule."

"Oh."

Oh, fuck was more like it. But she was just twenty-seven. Maybe she just didn't have kids on her radar. Maybe she wanted them, just not right then. I wanted to ask her about it, prod her more about how she felt about kids, but something told me she wasn't in the mood for such a conversation, and instead, we laid in silence until she spoke up.

"How are you feeling about everything you told me last night?"

The hand that wasn't holding onto her ran over my facial hair. "I felt a sort of relief in finally telling someone everything that happened."

"You said the psychologist at the VA diagnosed you with PTSD. You didn't speak to that person about what happened?"

"No. He had my file, which had enough details in it for me to not have to say anything."

"Okay. I...I want to take you somewhere tomorrow. You won't have to talk to anyone, I promise. But I think it'll be good for you."

"Where?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Is there a reason I shouldn't?" 'If I'm still around' echoed in my head.

"Listen, if we get there, and you want to turn around, we will, okay?" She placed her hand over my heart, felt it beating nearly out of my chest. "I love you, and I think this will help."

"Then I'll trust in whatever you have planned. I love you, too."

And then we were asleep.

***

In the morning, Jules told me jeans and a t-shirt would be totally fine for wherever we were going.

She drove, and the entire time, I couldn't help feeling anxious. There was an actual part of my brain that thought she may be trying to take me to some mental health facility, no matter how many times I reasoned with myself that that would be absolutely absurd.

After about forty minutes of driving, she pulled up into a lot where just a few other cars resided. The building in front of us was nothing over the top, just any other business you may come across while driving. Gigantic bold letters above the front door read SMASH.

She parked the car and turned to me. "You have a lot of pent up emotions raging in your head and your heart. To keep what you experienced in your mind for seven years would be enough to make anyone feel on edge or tense or full of anxiety. I think you hide those things pretty well, but that's not healthy either."

"I don't disagree with you Jules, but nothing can erase the last seven years."

"You're right. But you can start by trying to release some of the feelings you've stored up. Inside that building, they specialize in anger management. I'm not saying you have an anger problem; nothing of what you've shown me leads me to believe that, but I do think you'll be able to finally release some of the tension you have by engaging in a destruction session."

"A what?"

"A destruction session. Basically, they give you a sledge hammer and a room full of obsolete items that you can smash to your heart's content. No one gets hurt, no one's property gets destroyed. I've already booked a session for you. If you want to do it, all we have to do is walk in. If not, we turn around and go home."

I didn't know what to make of that. The idea of purposefully destroying something seemed off. But Jules was asking me to trust her, and I was going to show her that I did.

"Are you going to be in the room with me?"

"Only if you want me there."

"I...I think I'd rather go in alone."

"Then I'll wait in the lobby. Ready?"

As I'd ever be. I followed Jules into the building, and once she checked in, a middle aged man came out from behind the desk and told me to follow him. I gave Jules a quick kiss before she moved to one of the seats in the waiting area.

Once down the hallway, the man led us to a door, opened it, and gestured for me to enter. Inside, there were no windows, just cinder block walls painted white. The room was full of objects asking to be destroyed: those massive old TVs, one of which my grandparents still own, stacks of dishes, a keyboard from the late 90s, glass bottles and cups. Next to the door was a sledge hammer with a hard hat and safety glasses perched on top of it.

The man grabbed the hat and glasses and held them out to me. "Wear these. Otherwise, there are no rules. You've got a twenty minute reservation, but if you finish early, just step out. The lights will flicker when you've got a minute left. Questions?"

I shook my head at him, still not entirely sure something like that was going to make me feel any better. When he left, I walked over to the stack of dishes, picked one up, and then just let it fall to the floor. It shattered the moment it made contact, but I didn't feel anything.

I picked up another one and let it fall. Again, nothing. So I took myself back. I set myself in the scene of the night Gabe shot me, of the night Gabe took his own life. I thought about the doctor telling me I didn't pass my physical, of the Sergeant on base breaking it to me that I could no longer fill a combat role.

That was enough to trigger something in me for instead of picking up a plate and dropping it, I yanked one from the shelf and hurled it at the wall. The moment it burst into pieces, something deep within my chest felt lighter. Plate after plate flew against the wall until a sizeable mound of broken cermaic piled upon the floor.

With my chest heaving up and down, I moved to the sledgehammer, weilded it around my back, and swung with all the force I had at the TV. Each time that hammer came down on something else in the room, I could hear the voice in my head shouting the words I was never able to say aloud.

"You shot me."

"You used the weapon we were supposed to use against enemies against me, your friend."

"I tried to save you. I tried to help you. Why would you do that to me?"

"You took everything from me. You took my dreams. You took a piece of my body. You took my friend."

At some point I remembered having the thought that if Jules could see me in that room she'd be terrified of me. I left nothing unturned. Every inch of that place was wrecked to shit because each blow of the hammer, each shattering of glass, released something deep within me.

With my chest heaving, almost unable to catch my breath, I noticed the lights flicker. I dropped the hammer, let the hat and glasses fall to the floor, and leaned against the wall on my forearms, my head in my hands, trying to bring my breathing back to normal, a new fire raging in what was left of my lungs.

Seconds later, the door to the room opened, but it wasn't the middle aged man who'd led me in there earlier; it was Jules.

When she noticed that I was still trying to regain my breath, she came to me and rubbed her hands up and down my back.

"Deep breaths, Theo. Slow."

I tried to match my breathing to the rhythm of her hands on my back. When my lungs stopped burning, I turned from the wall to face her.

"I didn't realize how much I had built up inside."

She turned from me and scanned the room, a subtle look of shock taking over her features.

"You did some serious damage here."

"Wasn't that the point?"

"Exactly the point." She reached up and kissed me, seemingly not caring about how disgustingly sweaty I was.

On the ride home, Jules made me write down everything I was feeling. And while a lot of what I wrote down had to do with my military experience, some of the things I wrote down had to do with her, questions I still had about her. I knew it was a dangerous thing to write down words you may never want another person to see, but I thought it may help me sort through some things she'd recently said that threw me off.

Besides, she wasn't one to snoop. She respected my boundaries, and I hers.

I loved her more than I could put into words, and I hoped she'd one day let me show her just how much I cared about her.

A/N: Hi!

I think I had something I wanted to mention in this note but I don't remember (probably because my brain is OVERFLOWING with tasks I need to complete).

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please vote and comment and chat with me :)

Also, I was hit with TWO potential new romance novel ideas recently. Who knows where we'll go when Crescendo is over?

Have a lovely week!

-L