*Trigger warning: mentions of overdose and suicide present.

Soundtrack for this chapter:
Change My Mind—One Direction
Swing Life Away—Rise Against
I'm Not Okay (I Promise)—My Chemical Romance

11

Jules

Somehow, Theo got us to Parnassus in under fifteen minutes.

This was unlike Katie. Katie was good at hiding her emotions, and she rarely allowed people to see exactly how she was feeling. Something wasn't right; the catalyst had to be more than just school stress.

On the phone, Dr. Benning—Andy—said Katie's roommate called and said she was worried about her, that she hadn't seemed okay all weekend; Katie's lucky to have such a conscious roommate. Andy called Dr. Lydia Mellnor to go check on her; he called me when Lydia couldn't get Katie to open her dorm room door.

When I unbuckled my seatbelt, Theo spoke for the first time since getting in the car.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

I hoped I wouldn't—Katie wouldn't—need him, but I just wasn't sure. Not after her slip over the summer.

"Yes. When we get to her hall, just hang back. I'll call to you if I need you."

He followed me into the building, maintaining a distance of a few feet between us.

When we made it to her corridor, I gestured to some seating in the common area between hallways, and he sat down. Just before I turned away from him, I noticed him bring his hands to the back of his neck.

"Theo?"

He looked up at me.

"Thanks."

He gave me a small smile before I continued my path to Katie's room.

Outside of it, Lydia was talking through the door. When she noticed me, her voice perked up.

"Katie, Jules is here to talk to you. Can you let her in?"

There was labored shuffling beyond the door.

"Katie? We can chat about whatever's going on. Just let me in."

"Jules?" Her voice was muffled, almost strained, through the thick wooden door. Red flag. I mouthed 911 to Lydia.

"Already called."

My hand was on the knob, waiting to feel the lock unlatch. The moment it did, the door shook with a heavy thud. I found myself pushing it against some resistance, only to realize once it was open wide enough that Katie was slumped against it.

"Theo!"

Lydia helped me push the door the rest of the way, then ran down the hallway to meet the ambulance; the faint sounds of sirens carried through the open windows. Clothing, books, and papers were strewn across Katie's floor; an open bottle of sleeping pills laid sideways on her desk. I sunk to her level and lifted her head, trying to wake her.

"Katie. Katie, come on!" Her eyes rolled back into her head just as Theo came to the door. A flash of panic, a nanosecond of hesitation, and then he was crouched on the other side of Katie. "Ambulance is coming. There's a bottle of sleeping pills on her desk." Despite the adrenaline pumping in and out of my heart, I felt calm, in control.

Theo pulled back her eyelids, stood, grabbed the bottle, then rushed back.

"They're just OTC, no barbiturates." He pressed his fingers to her neck, then turned his eyes to me. "You may want to move back." He pulled Katie to a seated position, held her mouth open with one hand, and plunged two fingers into the back of her throat; she started vomiting almost instantly. Partially digested pills, coupled with yellow bile spewed onto her lap and the floor.

Katie remained limp in Theo's arms, despite the momentary convulsions that shook her.

An EMT and paramedic arrived in minutes. When they asked if anyone wanted to ride with her to the hospital, there was zero question about it.

Theo and Lydia followed us out. Before I hopped into the back of the ambulance, Theo placed a clean hand on my shoulder.

"Call me when you get back, and I'll bring your stuff over. And take it easy; don't forget that you still have a concussion." He bent forward and kissed my forehead, igniting a fire in my stomach. How could such a simple gesture stir so many emotions throughout my being?

Everything else that happened that afternoon kind of moved by in a blur. My processing levels were still working their ways back to normal, and I was having trouble wrapping my head around everything that happened.

At one point I met Katie's parents in the waiting room of the ER. I remember briefing them on what happened and walking them to Katie's room, but I couldn't give someone an accurate transcript of the words I said. It didn't make sense; she'd been doing so well.

I opted to take a cab back to campus rather than the metro. I didn't want to be around strangers; I did want to be with Theo. The fact that he was the first person to come to my mind was telling.

When I kicked off my shoes in my apartment, I opened the email account on my phone to send Lydia an update, but I already had a message from her.

"The first incident like that is always hard, but you handled everything exceptionally well. You should consider furthering your education."

That was sweet; I wasn't used to such high praise regarding my job choice. After sending her a note of thanks, I dialed Theo's number. He picked up with a groggy voice after a few rings.

"'lo?"

"Ah, I'm sorry. Go back to sleep."

"Are you back on campus?" His change in tone indicated that he was now fully awake, and I chastised myself for not just texting him.

"Yeah. Just got back. Don't worry about my stuff. I can swing by—"

"I'll be there in twenty. Which hall?"

There was no use arguing with him; I didn't want to anyways. "North."

"See you soon."

"Thanks, T."

He laughed, then followed it with, "Don't you dare friendzone me, Jules," and hung up the phone.

I liked him far more than I was willing to accept. Theo made me want to sign those divorce papers; Theo made me consider throwing my entire life away and starting fresh. But I barely knew him; it could all be too good to be true, yet there was no denying he was far better than my only other option. I hoped he remained so. I just needed more time.

My apartment was a mess, but I didn't have the energy to straighten it up; besides, I highly doubted he was going to tell me he didn't want to continue whatever we were because my place was a little disorganized.

He was true to his word and was calling me in twenty minutes, asking me to come let him into my building. He'd changed his clothes from the slacks and sweater he'd worn to church that morning to basketball shorts and a US Army sweatshirt.

"A little chilly for shorts, no?"

A warm smile took over his features. "Not when I was snug in bed under a giant comforter." The bag I'd thrown together was slung over his shoulder, but my guitar was nowhere to be seen.

"Is my guitar in the car?"

"My dad said he'd take a look at it and see if he can fix it, if that's okay with you."

"You're family is unbelievably kind."

"So I've been told. They're just decent human beings, Jules." A slight chill worked over him.

"Do you, um, want to come in for a bit?"

"Took you long enough. I'm shivering over here."

My eyes narrowed at him. "I see what you did there, Theo Byrne. You didn't change on purpose."

He shrugged his shoulders, a playful smile forming on his lips, as I opened the door wider for him to pass through.

When we made it through my door, Theo took a moment to scan my apartment. "Well, shit. It all makes sense now."

"Oh, er, sorry, I know it's a little messy."

"Stop apologizing. That's not what I meant, and I wouldn't consider a few dishes in the sink and an unmade bed messy. You've got like four different styles all begging to be the center of attention going on here."

"And what exactly do you know about furnishing and decorating a place? I can't imagine interior decorator is on your resume."

"True, and making cohesive decisions isn't on yours."

He didn't see me roll my eyes, but I didn't really mean it anyways; I kind of enjoyed when Theo teased me. He was fun and lighthearted and damn did I need that kind of man in my life.

Theo set my bag down and then sunk into the couch. "How's that girl?"

"Okay as she can be." I joined him on the couch and slumped into his side. "I'll go back and visit her tomorrow to try to get more out of her. There's no way she'll talk to anyone they've got at the hospital."

"And how are you?"

How am I?

"Rattled. The concussion doesn't help. This is unlike her; there've been warning signs in the past, but she's never tried anything."

"Sometimes people just break." He said it with far too much understanding.

Theo's arm came around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him. We sat there for a few minutes, no words necessary.

As the minutes ticked closer and closer to my normal bedtime, I resigned to the fact that I didn't want to sleep alone that night.

"I know you have work in the morning, but do you want to stay here tonight?"

"I'd very much so like to stay with you tonight. Time for bed?"

"I'll meet you there. I need to wash off the feeling of the hospital." I felt his lips brush against my hair as he pushed up off the couch and retreated through the open door to my bedroom.

As I showered, in addition to struggling to keep my still injured hand dry, I struggled with how much to tell him, how much to confide in him. The previous night, I'd told him I was more attracted to him than I'd ever been to anyone before, and he promptly reminded me that I'd been married. Still married. I turned the faucet knob all the way to the left and allowed the heat of the water to flow over me, hoping it'd melt away anything I no longer wanted in my life.

He mustn't have heard me come into my bedroom because when I entered it, he remained seated on the edge of my bed with his head down, eyes closed, elbows on his knees, and hands wrapped firmly around the back of his neck.

"What're you thinking about?" I moved to the side of the bed he was on and sat next to him.

He picked up his head so his eyes met mine. "Someone I used to know." His chest rose and fell with deep breaths.

"I won't pry, but I'm always willing to listen if you need to talk about something."

"I know you are, but," his head made tiny shaking movements, "not tonight. It's been a wild day. You've got more than enough to fill your head right now."

Theo turned to me and set his lips on mine, and I wondered how it was possible for them to be so affectionate and gentle. His hands held onto either side of my head as if it was the most dear thing in the world to him, and in all my life, I'd never felt more treasured.

He pulled back from me, his hands still set on the space where my neck meets my head. "Can I take you out on a real date?"

Since all words had failed me, I just nodded into his hands.

"I'm playing a set on Friday downtown. Maybe we could do dinner before?"

"I'd really enjoy that."

He placed one last kiss on my forehead.

We shifted back on my bed and nestled underneath the covers. I fell asleep that night thinking about how I never knew that men as sweet and humble as Theo existed and about how maybe the crossing of our paths was beyond coincidental.

***

Before the sun had a chance to rise, before even the first inklings of daybreak tried to peek through my curtains, Theo's phone blasted off on the table beside my bed.

"Mmmmmake it stop."

There was a rustling next to me, and within a few seconds, the horrific sound ceased.

"What possessed you to use the foghorn option as your alarm?" I dragged the covers further over my head.

"Gets the job done." He pulled the covers back and kissed my forehead, and I snaked my arms around him.

"Too early. Back to sleep."

"I've got to run back to my place and get my uniform. Twelve hour shift today."

"Call out."

He laughed. "I would if I could. Jules?"

"Hm?"

"Look me in the eyes and promise me you won't read today."

I partially opened my eyes and found Theo's bright blue ones staring back at me, his expression serious.

"I have to go to work. I'm going to have to read some things."

"Call out."

"I would if I could."

"Jules." His tone matched his expression.

I took a moment to stretch before responding. "I'll read as little as possible. Okay?"

A huff passed his lips. "I guess I'll take what I can get. I'll call you after work so we can plan for Friday." He smiled at me before placing a kiss on my forehead. "Go back to bed. It's only 5:30."

"You're the worst."

"I'll remember that the next time you need medical help."

He made a move to get out of bed, but his words jostled a thought I'd had the night before. "Wait!"

Theo turned back to me. "Yeah?"

"This is getting all gross," I held up my bandaged hand, "can I take it off?"

"Let me see it. You may want to close your eyes because the light's about to go on."

I buried my head into the pillow just as I heard his fingers twist the knob on the lamp on my bedside table. I felt him unwrap the layers of gauze and soft material, being gentle as always as he did so. When my hand was finally exposed to the open air, he manipulated it around before running his thumb along the wound. It prickled, and I almost yanked my hand from his.

"The wound is closed up, and there's no fluids leaking from it, which is good. Put some antiseptic ointment on it for the next few days and keep one of those big bandaids on it during the day. At night you can take the bandage off."

"Thanks, Dr. Bryne." My voice came muffled from the pillow.

"I don't have the patience for med school." He kissed my hand then set it down. "See you soon, Jules."

"Be safe."

His hand roved over my back for a moment before his touch left my body. I listened as he put his shoes on, I heard the jingle of his keys, and I waited for the opening and closing of my door. When he was gone, I felt every inch of distance between us, and, though it's crass to say and mother would be absolutely appalled, that scared the living shit out of me.

***

At a much more reasonable hour, I pulled myself out of bed and got ready for work. I tried to force myself to eat something, but knowing I was going to have to confront Katie about what happened rid me of my appetite, and the frosted wheat cereal I poured turned into a mushy mess.

Without even setting my things down in my office, I went straight to Andy's. It was as if he were expecting me as he showed not an ounce of surprise to see me in there first thing.

I plopped into his chair and let the weight of everything that happened that weekend sink in; I realized I never really took a moment to actually sort through all of it.

"Before we get to the Katie incident, I need to let you know that I was involved in a car accident on Friday and have a mild concussion, so if my brain is working a little slowly, that's why. There's also this." I held up my bandaged palm to him.

"Okay, you know, you do have sick days. You don't need to be here."

"I do; I need your permission to go check in on Katie at the hospital. I don't want to overstep any boundaries."

"Lydia sent me a detailed report of everything that happened. It's quite lucky your EMT boyfriend was there to help."

If I'd been drinking something—coffee, water, Aunt Caroline's sweet tea—it would've been spit all over Andy's desk. "Theo's not my boyfriend, he's my..." more-than-a-friend-less-than-a-boyfriend? Hookup-turned-something-more? Soulmate?

Andy raised his eyebrows at me. "Well, whatever he is, we're lucky—Katie's lucky—he was there. You have permission to go see her. Hopefully she'll open up to you about what happened."

"Yes, er, thank you." I got up to leave his office, but he kept talking.

"Don't worry about coming back. Go to your apartment and have one more day to heal yourself. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Thanks." On my way out, Nora was throwing me a questioning stare, so I popped into her office before leaving.

"Um, what's going on? Why's that on your hand? Did Andy say "boyfriend"? Sorry, my eavesdropping isn't as good as it used to be."

"Come over after work and I'll fill you in over a bottle of wine. I really need it."

"You've got yourself date. See you then."

Date. I did have a date. A real date, with Theo, on Friday. Were we exclusive? Was there a label? He introduced me as his friend to his mom and gosh that felt awkward and kind of stung, but I'm not his girlfriend. No. I'm still someone's wife. Well, on paper.

To save myself a few dollars as I thought about the inevitable legal battle I was going to have to sell a kidney to fund (the thought of which inspired a shiver down my spine), I chose to take the subway rather than a cab to the hospital. I made a mental note to do some research in the unlocking of the account my parents froze when I moved; that account had every dollar I'd ever saved; it shows how much control they had over me given that even when I married the perfect son-in-law they still kept their names on it as the primary account holders.

At the hospital, I briefly conferred with the person assigned to Katie's case, and as guessed, she was giving up nothing.

"Give me a few minutes with her."

The woman nodded to me and led me to Katie's room. When I got there, Katie's mom was asleep in a chair by the window, and Katie was looking at something on her phone. She looked up when I moved farther into the room.

"Jules?"

Katie's mom stirred and blinked a few times to fully wake up. "Jules, it's nice to see you." She stretched in the tired, plastic-covered seat. "I think I'll go get some coffee. Do you want anything?"

"No thank you, Mrs. Cassidy."

She smiled at me and put a warm hand on my shoulder as she left the room. I pulled one of the seats up next to Katie's bed and sat down. Katie avoided my eyes for a moment, but then she spoke barely above a whisper.

"Are you mad at me?"

I felt my heart rip down the middle.

"Why would I be mad at you?"

"I...I didn't mean..." she looked down at my hands, folded in my lap, and noticed the bandage peeking out. "What happened?"

"Oh, it's nothing. I'm more interested in what happened with you."

She sat back in her raised bed and stared straight ahead. "I just wanted to sleep. I didn't sleep all weekend." The was a slight tremor in her voice.

"Why not? Why couldn't you sleep?"

"I...I just had so much on my mind, and I couldn't stop thinking about it, and I just wanted to be able to sleep for a few hours...I didn't mean anything else. I didn't know how many to take to make me fall asleep." My mind was battling against itself as to how much of what she was saying I should believe.

"Do you understand that what happened isn't okay?"

"I...I do, it's just with what Jeremy told me—" She stopped abruptly, and it dawned on me that a good boyfriend would've been there in the room with her.

"What happened, Katie?"

"This, I mean, when we talk, it's all confidential, right?" Her eyes were no longer staring blankly ahead; instead, they were searching mine.

"It depends. If you tell me you're going to hurt yourself or others, I would need to share that with someone. What did Jeremy tell you that got you so upset?"

She seemed to wrestle with the thought. "I...he, well, on Friday night, late, he asked me to meet him by the footbridge by the lake on campus. You know that bridge?"

I nodded to her.

"Well, I went to meet him, it was our four month anniversary and I thought maybe he had a surprise planned and, when I got there, he was all jumpy, nervous. He was making me nervous. I started to think maybe he was going to break up with me."

"Is that what happened?"

"No...he said he needed to tell someone, that he needed to let someone know. He said that he went out with some friends that night, and, well, I guess one of his friends maybe had too much to drink and I think maybe Jeremy did too because he was acting so strange. He told me his friend wasn't really paying attention while they were driving back to campus and then they hit something while driving...well, not something, someone."

Every nerve ending in my body froze; the level of self-control it took to maintain a placid expression was more than I thought my body was capable of.

"And he told you this happened that night, Friday?"

"Uh huh, and he told me I couldn't tell anyone, that I had to keep it a secret. I asked him if they checked to make sure the person was okay but he said his friend panicked and drove off and the stress of knowing that just started eating away at me. I wanted to tell someone but I didn't want to let Jeremy down and now I've told you but you have to promise not to tell anyone Jules, you have to promise because I don't want Jeremy to get in trouble and—" her eyes welled with tears.

"Katie, Katie, relax, okay? It's going to be alright." It hurt to lie to her.

"The lady that came to talk to me here mentioned some programs to my mom. I don't want to go to one of those. I wasn't trying to kill myself, I swear it, I swear, Jules."

"Katie, I'm not a licensed psychologist. There's only so much help I could give you." Just as that last word left my mouth, Katie's mom returned to the room.

"Everything okay?" She was Katie's mother; she knew better than anyone that Katie was far from okay.

I looked from Katie to her mom. "I'm going to get going so Katie can get some rest." I turned back to Katie, "I'll see you on campus soon." Then to her mom, "Mrs. Cassidy, if you need anything, please let me know." I had to get out of there; I couldn't keep up the facade that what Katie just told me hadn't completely rocked me much longer.

My chest was raging with fire. That kid could've killed the motorcycle driver who currently laid in the intensive care unit of the same hospital fighting for his life. I grew incredibly faint outside of Katie's room; one hand attempted to support myself against the wall and the other went to my head. Soon, I felt a supporting hand grab my elbow.

"Hey, there. Let's sit down." A soft feminine voice met my ears.

"Thanks."

She led me to a waiting area and guided me into a seat. She crouched in front of me, and the first thing I noticed were the long auburn locks that surrounded her face. My eyes darted to her badge, and my guess was confirmed.

"Are you Dan's Marnie?"

Her face scrunched in confusion. "How do you know that?"

"I was involved in that accident, the one with the motorcyclist that Theo asked you about."

Understanding took over her features. "You're Jules?"

"Mhmm. I have a concussion. Things got really hazy for a moment outside that room."

"You got the concussion Friday night?"

"Yeah."

"Not altogether unusual that you're still having patchy moments. I can have one of the doctors come over to take a look at you if you want."

"Oh, thank you, but I need to go. I just need to collect myself for a minute."

"Have you eaten anything today?"

I shook my head.

"Wait here a second." She disappeared around a corner, and I put my head in my hands. What were the chances?

Marnie reappeared moments later carrying a small plastic cup and a bag of pretzels. "Eat these, and drink this apple juice. Then you can go, okay? If this gets worse, you need to come back."

"Thank you. I hope I see you around in a different capacity."

She smiled before heading back to the nurses' station. I sat there and ate the snack Marnie gave me; I had a half a mind to text Theo, but then the information Katie just piled on me resurfaced. I pulled out my phone and dialed the number Detective Andrews had given me.

"Boston Police, Detective Andrews speaking."

"Hi, this is Jules Calhoun. I need to talk to you. Should I come to the station?"

"Ms. Calhoun, I hope you're healing well. Where are you? We could meet somewhere if that's easier for you."

"I'm at Mercy Regional. I think there's a cafe on the corner near the east wing of the hospital."

"There is. I'll be there shortly."

Even though every fiber of my being knew what I had to do, there was still part of me that wished I didn't have the information Katie confided in me. I knew that once she found out I'd shared what she told me, she'd never trust me again.

A/N: If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please call the suicide hotline; do not allow someone's cry for help to go unnoticed: 1-800-273-8255. You matter, and you are here for a reason; never forget that.

On to brighter subjects.

Oh, hello!

Here I am, with literally the world's worst writer's block. I don't know why this chapter was so difficult to write, but boy was it hard.

I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint, and I hope you'll vote and comment and chat with me. My life is currently running at around 10k miles per minute, and honestly I'm really surprised I was able to get these words out this week.

Question(s): Is there anything you want more of? Things you want to see or things you want more information on regarding this book? Things that need clarification?

See you next Friday!

-L