Turns out, I'm a coward.

Instead of waiting by the school entrance for the others like I had for the past few months, I went straight into the building. I couldn't face Hiccup. We'd just awkwardly glance at each other and stay silent, pretending nothing had happened in front of Jack and Elsa, even though they knew exactly what had happened. I didn't even know if they had talked to Hiccup about it. Maybe he had no idea I told them, maybe they had gone over to his place yesterday and confronted him. It was complete chaos.

I grabbed my biology book from my locker, and a thought hit me: I sat next to Hiccup in every single class, every day. It literally made me stop in my tracks. Shit, what am I supposed to do now? Sitting next to him wasn't an option anymore, absolutely not. We'd be way too close, my body wouldn't be able to handle that. Hiccup probably didn't want that either, it was just as uncomfortable for him.

Before I could think any further, I already had my phone in hand and was texting Jack.

9:19am
Hey, uh, is it okay
if we switch seats?
I can't sit next to Hiccup

He replied right away.

9:20am
Of course, no problem

9:20am
We're almost there,
by the way

9:20am
I'm in the bio room

They walked in ten minutes later. Because of the music and the really fascinating notebook in front of me, I almost didn't notice them. It wasn't until Elsa placed her hand on my shoulder that I looked up. She gave me a sad smile and started peeling off her four layers; jacket, hat, scarf, and gloves. Meanwhile, I stopped my playlist and put my headphones back in their case. Elsa sat down next to me.

"He looked really down when Jack told him you were switching seats," she whispered while she took out her pencil case.

I raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

She nodded. "He still doesn't look too happy." She glanced over at him.

My curiosity got the better of me and I slowly turned my head in his direction. He was looking at Jack, who was telling him something, but his eyes seemed to be staring right through him, like he couldn't fully focus. The corners of his mouth were slightly turned down and he had faint dark circles under his eyes. His whole vibe just screamed that he was feeling like crap. I had never seen him like that before. It made my heart ache, but my brain reminded me that this was mostly his fault. He could've talked to Stacy ages ago, he could've broken up with her a hundred times, he could've stopped flirting with me, but he didn't do any of that, and my drunk self had had enough. He could still fix it and I hoped he wanted to.

As if he'd noticed me staring, his gaze suddenly flicked over to me. I immediately looked away and stared back at my notebook. My heart was pounding in my throat. It had only been a split second of eye contact, but it was enough to send my insides into a frenzy. I wanted him, especially now that I knew what it felt like, but I couldn't have him. Not while he was still with Stacy. He had to break up with her. I wouldn't let him get close again until he did. Honestly, it would be better if I didn't even talk to him anymore.

Ms. Martinez entered the room, greeted us, and started the biology lesson, pulling me out of my thoughts.

❁

He ignored me just as much as I ignored him. During the lunch breaks, I was in the school library and he was in the cafeteria with Stacy, which I knew from Jack and Elsa. But he looked like he'd rather be anywhere else than there in that moment. None of us three understood why he didn't just leave. Our tutoring sessions completely fell apart, he didn't show up at my place. My dad asked me about it on Tuesday right after school, but when he saw the look on my face, he just hugged me and kissed the top of my head. I didn't have to tell him the whole story, he understood something had happened that I wasn't ready to talk about. I wanted to wait and see what Hiccup would do first, then I'd tell him.

So, on a Saturday morning, I had nothing better to do than be back at the ice rink, practicing my spins, jumps, and moves. I'd made a lot of progress in the past few weeks. I had regained my landing after jumps, spins didn't make me dizzy anymore, and I could do a split and lift my foot to the back of my head again. I could do most of my favorite moves too, which lifted my mood a little.

Today I had decided to try one of the more difficult jumps. It involved a half-turn before the takeoff, more rotations in the air, and then, after landing, stretching the right leg out behind you. I'd been working on that before I quit training over two years ago. Back then, my mom used to keep encouraging me, telling me I'd get there eventually, which is why I never gave up. And now here I was again, without my mother, trying to remember her words.

"See, you almost had it," she used to say after I landed on my butt again. "You just tilted a little to the side, but that's no big obstacle for you. Try again, then you'll get it."

I hadn't gotten it, but I kept trying again and again. For her, for myself, so her words wouldn't be for nothing. She had this way of lifting you up even in the worst moments. So I placed a hand on my heart, hoping she was with me, and gave myself the push I needed. I set up my phone at the edge of the rink to film my attempts. That way I could later see what I was doing wrong and what I needed to improve. Then I skated off.

The first time, I twisted my ankle and fell on my side. The second time, I couldn't manage the pre-turn, lost my balance, and landed on my face. The third attempt started well, but I fell on my butt again after losing balance. The fourth time, I accidentally slammed into the wall, and on the fifth try, I twisted my ankle again.

At some point, I stopped counting, but not trying. I failed every time, and my body would probably be covered in bruises the next day, but it was worth it. It showed that I had fighting spirit and wouldn't give up until I managed it, even if it was just once. After all, this could be my future, just like it had been for my mom. I could win my own trophies and medals, hold them up in front of Luna, Sol, and Stella. The thought was kind of funny, but I wasn't that petty.

I skated over to my phone and saved the latest ten-minute video. I had three of those by now. I let out a sigh. I had completely forgotten how exhausting serious training could be, but that was part of a career. So I gathered the last of my willpower, started a new video, set up my phone again, and made my way back to the center of the rink. Once more, I placed a hand on my heart. This time, Mom, this time. For you.

And as fate would have it, it actually worked. I jumped, spun in the air, landed on my feet, and lifted my leg into the pose which helped me glide backward. I turned halfway to lower my leg and looked toward the camera with wide eyes and what was probably the most surprised and happiest expression anyone's ever had. It had worked, I had actually done the jump, the spin, and the final pose.

"Oh my God!" I shouted with joy and skated over to my phone. I immediately saved the video. I was going to show it to my dad as soon as I got home. He'd be so excited, maybe he'd even take me out to eat, which honestly sounded kind of nice right now.

After that success, I noticed how exhausted my body really was. My arms suddenly felt heavy like lead, my feet were crying inside my skates, and my legs were as cold as ice blocks. So I skated over to the gate and put on my shoes. My butt thanked me for finally sitting down and my feet were grateful to be freed. I packed up my things and headed home.

❁

My dad had agreed to go to our favorite pizzeria with me after spending ten whole minutes celebrating with me about finally landing the jump. Afterwards, I had gone to the bathroom to take a nice warm shower. A glance in the mirror told me that I really would be covered in bruises since some were already forming. Tomorrow was going to be fun, sore muscles to the point of collapse and every time I moved even a millimeter, pain would shoot through my entire body. I sighed, but I had signed up for this willingly.

Just before five pm, we were sitting at our favorite table in the pizzeria, biting into our first slice. Even though my tense muscles were already making themselves known, I wasn't about to miss out on enjoying the evening, laughing with my dad. Unfortunately, that joy got literally stuck in my throat when Hiccup walked in fifteen minutes later.

My dad raised his eyebrows and followed my gaze. "Ah," was all he said as he took another bite of his pizza. He really took that whole Wait-until-she's-ready thing seriously, and I was very grateful for it.

I tried not to draw attention to myself, but I couldn't fully tear my eyes away either. Standing next to him was a broad-shouldered man, just a few centimeters taller than Hiccup. His hair was dark blond and tied back at the nape of his neck. Just above the collar of his jacket, I caught a glimpse of a tattoo, though I couldn't tell what it was. I strained my ears to catch pieces of their conversation, but they were speaking Russian so I didn't understand a thing. Was that his dad? They didn't look alike at all. Different hair color, body type, facial features. Maybe it was someone else, another part of his family? Or maybe he just took after his mom more?

"You're staring at him," my dad whispered with a small grin over the rim of his glass.

I looked at him. "I am not."

"Uh-huh," he replied, picking up his last slice of pizza.

I kept eating too, glancing one more time toward Hiccup, who was now holding three pizza boxes and leaving the restaurant with the man. He hadn't noticed me and I didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed about that.

❁

Later at home, as I lay in bed watching my training videos, Hiccup kept swirling around in my head. He always wanted me to send them to him, said he liked seeing my progress. Would he watch the one from today if I sent it to him now? After all, it had been a triumph, one I was really proud of and to be honest, I wanted to hear what he had to say. It went against my plan to stop communicating with him until he made a decision, but my mind had already been made up, so I opened our chat. I picked the video and started typing my message.

10:14pm
Hey, I know we're not really
talking right now because of
... reasons, but I went training
today and tried a pretty
difficult jump, which I actually
managed in the end!
So, um, here's the video ...
I thought maybe you'd like to
see it, like the ones before :)

With trembling fingers, I hit send after rereading it three times, watched as the message got two grey checkmarks, and quickly closed the app. Oh God, I really just did that. I'd texted him, a week after we made out and then never spoke again. Was I completely out of my mind? Damn it, this whole thing was absolute chaos. Nothing in my life so far had ever come close to this.

As my heartbeat pulsed through my whole body and the grin on my face refused to fade, I scrolled through Instagram to distract myself. It didn't take long before a pop-up notified me that Hiccup had replied.

Oh damn, I thought, sitting upright and opening our chat. My face fell instantly, my heart dropped into my stomach, and my eyes burned as tears began to well up.

10:20pm
Don't send me stuff
like this anymore

That was the entire message, just seven words, but they felt like someone had driven a sword straight through my chest. For a moment, I forgot how to breathe. I swallowed hard and tried to reply, even though my hands were shaking.

10:22pm
Oh, okay

That was all I could manage. I turned my phone to standby mode, placed it on my nightstand, and turned off my lamp. Tonight, I didn't have to toss and turn a hundred times before finding the right position. I just lay on my side, staring into the darkness as tears ran down my face and I felt my heart shatter into a thousand pieces.