"So, as you can see, unfortunately the radiotherapy wasn't as effective as we'd hoped it would be. Although it hasn't grown much, it is still.. There."
I couldn't take my eyes off the vague diagram of my wife's malignant lungs. It was such a disgusting feeling. All I wanted to do was to just go outside and scream. Instead I sat there, clutching Ellen's hand while tears slid down my face under my mask.
"So.. I know this is a lot to take in, but there is an option to stop chemotherapy, making you stronger, you could go on holiday, go for walks, however the tumour will continue to grow.."
I looked to Ellen, who hadn't shed a single tear.
"so." she said, "it's a case of quality or quantity?"
I was tempted to just leave right now, I wanted to be sick. Those words spilling so effortlessly out from her lips. She wasn't afraid anymore.
"would you know how long I would have if I stop chemo?" she asked, stroking my hand under the table, knowing I was suffering.
"I really can't say." he responded.
"just your personal opinion, please." she asked, smiling through all of this. How could she smile?
"well.. If you continue with chemotherapy, at this rate you could still be here in six months time. Without, I'd say two to four months, but you wouldn't be sick till the very end."
Beneath my mask my mouth was fully wide, I thought I stopped breathing for a second.
Even Ellen was silent for a second, both so stunned.
"so if she were to stop chemo. Is there anything she could take- or- like- will her quality of life definitely be better? Will she have energy? Could we go for a holiday? Would it be worth it?" I struggled so say. I knew all Ellen wanted to do was to be a mother again.
"yes, yes and there's a few charities I can ask to get in touch with you so they'll cover all costs so you can go anywhere." said the doctor, I nodded in response and we looked to Ellen for the final word.
"that's what I want." she told us, nodding. "yeah.. I just want to be with my kids." a tear slid out from the side of her eye as she thought of Molly and Mark.
The doctor nodded, and we sat in silence for a few seconds.
This is it. I'm going to lose her.

I drove home, she gazed out the passenger window. We didn't speak, there really was nothing to say.
We drove down a road we had travelled so many times before, but today it felt like the first time. The mountains shadowed the small town we lived in by the sea, rabbits cautiously crept in the grass beside the road beneath the hollybushes that we used to harvest each Christmas to decorate the shelves.
"autumn is so beautiful." she said, watching the leaves drift from the oak trees.
"yeah." I breathed in response. Stopped by a red light. I gazed at the amber ground that rustled in the soft wind.
"I'll never see another September."
I paused, my stomach just sank, my eyes and nose tensed, I didn't want to cry, I didn't want anyone to see me like this. I couldn't think of a response, so I simply said the three words that I knew were true.
"I love you."

She reached over and held my hand, her fingers intertwining with mine as the car rolled on towards home.
"We're gonna have the best month." she told me. Gazing up at me, giving an optimistic smile.
I smiled back, with tears in my eyes. "we fucking are." I breathed, quickly wiping a tear from my eye and turning to face the road.

When we got home we had to tell the kids.
"guys," said Ellen, as we all sat in the cosy living room. Mark and Molly turned to look at her. "if you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?"
Molly began to think, but Mark's face went completely still. He sat beside me, and it broke my heart to see him glare at his mother with such desperation.
"Would we go together?" asked Molly, narrowing her eyes and looking out the window for inspiration.
Ellen nodded, "of course we would."
"the beach?" suggested Molly, looking to her mother for approval.
"the beach? Just-" she pointed out the window, "just that beach over there?" questioned Ellen, expecting her youngest daughter to say Disney land or Australia.
"yeah, we could go camping on the beach again and have barbecues every night like we used to."
I recalled those days with so much nostalgia. Playing with our two young children in the sand, teaching them to play cards, renting a canoe for the day and teaching them to surf..
"But that was a summer." said Mark, out of the blue. "We aren't going to have another summer.. Are we?"
We all sat in silence, Molly still seemed confused.
"we'll find another summer." I said, gazing over at Ellen. She smiled back at me.
Mark stood up and walked over to his mother, hugging her with tears in his eyes. Molly looked to me, confused, but joined them both.

I kept it together that whole night. But it never left my head.
When I kissed her goodnight I wondered how many times I'd kiss her again. When her hand slipped into mine I wondered if I could ever let it go.
"do you wanna go to Australia?" asked Ellen, startling me out of my nighttime procrastination.
"jeez, I didn't think you were awake." I mumbled, turning over to face her in the dark. I heard her chuckle in response.
"it's kinda hard to sleep knowing you have weeks to live." she responded, I could see the reflection of the moonlight in her eyes.
"do you want to go?" I asked her.
"Well.. Its nearly summer there." she said, biting her lip. "and Ive always wanted to see the Whitsundays."
I shook my head, smiling, "what the fuck, let's go then." I laughed, and she joined me. I placed a hand on her cheek and wiped a tear away with my thumb.
"we really can't afford to travel that far." she sighed.
"fuck money, we're going to the great barrier reef. We're gonna have a barbecue, get sunburnt, drink so much wine, and it's gonna be absolutely fucking perfect." I told her, watching her smile with tears in her eyes before kissing me slowly, I wished I could make this all disappear. I wish she'd smile again.