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where i keep replaying things that never happened

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There's something dangerous about almost moments.

Not actual moments. Not confessions. Not obvious feelings. Just small things that stay in your head longer than they should. The kind you replay at two in the morning even if nothing technically happened.

Especially when you're someone like me. Because once my mind attaches itself to something, it doesn't let go easily.

And lately, it had been attaching itself to Cal way too much.

"You're smiling at your phone."

I nearly dropped it after hearing Luisa's voice beside me.

"I'm not smiling."

"You literally look like a girl na kakareceive lang ng 'ingat ka.'"

I immediately locked my phone and glared at her. "Ang aga mong mang-asar."

"It's 11 AM."

"Exactly."

Luisa laughed while throwing herself dramatically beside me on the bench outside the school building. The weather was annoyingly warm today, but somehow the campus still felt alive enough to distract me a little. Students everywhere. Noise everywhere. Conversations overlapping each other until they became background sound.

Usually, I liked observing people. Today, my brain only wanted to observe one person. Which was frustrating.

"Okay," Luisa started, fixing her bag on her lap. "Real talk."

I already didn't like her tone.

"What?"

"You like him."

I almost choked on air. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me."

"I do not."

"Sera," she deadpanned, "you literally stare into space after every interaction with him like your soul left your body."

"That's dramatic."

"You're dramatic."

I opened my mouth to defend myself but stopped halfway because honestly... I didn't even know how to explain what I was feeling anymore.

That was the problem.

I wasn't sure if I liked Cal yet. I just knew my mind kept returning to him without permission.

And somehow, that felt worse.

"I think you're just making everything bigger than it is," I muttered quietly.

Luisa looked at me carefully this time. "Or maybe ikaw yung gumagawa nun."

That shut me up immediately, because she was right again. Nakakainis talaga kapag tama siya.

Before I could answer, someone sat down on the other side of the bench. And my entire body already knew who it was before I even looked.

Cal of course.

"Am I interrupting something?" he asked calmly.

"Yes," Luisa answered immediately. "Her emotional crisis."

"LUISA."

"What? Open communication builds trust."

Cal laughed softly while I covered my face in embarrassment.

I genuinely needed a new best friend. "Don't mind her," I mumbled.

"Too late," Cal said quietly.

And somehow that tiny joke made my chest feel weird again. This was becoming a serious problem.

Luisa looked between the two of us with way too much satisfaction.

"I suddenly remember I need to go somewhere."

"You literally just sat down," I pointed out.

"And now I'm standing up."

"Luisa."

But she only grinned while grabbing her bag dramatically. "Good luck, lovers."

"OH MY GOD."

She ran before I could throw something at her. She's a complete traitor.

For a few seconds, silence settled between me and Cal again. But lately, silence around him had started feeling different. Less heavy, less tense, but more dangerous.

Because I was getting comfortable. And comfort makes people careless.

"She really likes embarrassing you," Cal said after a while.

"She enjoys suffering. Mine specifically."

A small smile appeared on his face again.

I hated how my brain memorized those now. The small smiles. The quiet laughs. The way he looks at me like he's actually listening every time I speak.

I looked away before I could spiral again. But it's too late.

"Your brain's loud again," he said suddenly.

I froze slightly.

How does he keep noticing that?

I laughed awkwardly. "Ganun ba ako ka-obvious?"

"Only when you disappear while staring at nothing."

"...that sounds concerning."

"A little."

I sighed softly and leaned back against the bench. "Sorry."

"There you go again."

I frowned slightly. "What?"

"Apologizing for things that don't need apologies."

My chest tightened quietly. Because I didn't even realize I was doing it anymore.

It had become automatic.

Sorry for talking too much.
Sorry for being quiet.
Sorry for existing wrong.

I stared down at my hands for a moment. Then laughed softly without humor. "Maybe I just don't want to be difficult."

Cal stayed quiet for a second. Then calmly asked, "Who made you feel like you are?"

That question hit too hard. It's too directly.

And suddenly my mind started doing what it always does-pulling old memories out of places I try not to look at too often.

People are getting tired of my overthinking. People telling me I was "too sensitive." People making me feel embarrassing for feeling deeply.

I swallowed quietly. "I don't know," I answered softly.

Half-lie.

Half-truth.

Cal didn't push.

And weirdly enough, that made me want to keep talking. "Sometimes," I started carefully, "I think too much about how people see me."

He listened quietly.

"I feel like... if I say the wrong thing or act the wrong way, people will eventually get tired of me."

There. Another honest thing. Another dangerous thing. But instead of looking uncomfortable, Cal only looked at me gently. And somehow that gentleness felt harder to handle than pity ever would.

"Sera," he said softly, "people who care about you won't leave just because your mind gets loud sometimes."

I looked at him immediately after hearing that. Because something about those words felt personal.

Too real. Like he wasn't just saying them casually. And for one terrifying second, my brain started replaying possibilities that didn't even exist yet.

What if he actually understands me?

What if I start depending on this?

What if one day he leaves too?

See? That's the problem. Even good things become overthinking material in my head.

I looked away quickly before my thoughts got worse.

And then, quietly, "I'm trying not to think too much," I admitted.

Cal smiled faintly beside me.

"Looks difficult."

"You have no idea."

He laughed softly again.

And there it was. That feeling. That calm feeling. The one I still didn't fully trust yet. Because somehow, every time I'm around him, the noise in my head softens a little.

Not completely.

Just enough for me to notice the difference. And maybe that's why I keep replaying moments with him even when nothing major happens.

Because for someone like me, peace feels unfamiliar enough to become unforgettable.