Chapter 8

Miss

I thought dealing with people with so much empathy and understanding would be so much fulfilling knowing that this world needs extra kindness, but I also realized caring too much would be downright draining. That in trying so much to understand people can also exhaust you.

We call it compassion fatigue in psychology.

That was what's been running on my mind since that day. I distanced myself like how he wanted it. Time and space-two things people need when their minds seem to be in a total chaos. The need for time to contemplate and a space to deal with their internal turmoil before they can decide what to do next.

Tumingin ako sa bintana habang dinig ang tawanan ng mga kaibigan sa loob ng sasakyan. While they were enjoying our way to the airport to go to Palawan, I was in deep thoughts-in hopes that I will come back from this trip with a clearer mind.

For days that I did not see him, I drowned myself in understanding every bit of him. The way he behaves and reacts. From the day I stepped into the darkness and saw him broken and cold to the day he asked me eagerly to leave and never come back.

Sinabi niya 'yon pagkatapos akong baliwin. I still need to discover this weird part of me. Bakit kahit mali ay gustong-gusto ko iyong halik niya? Everytime it crosses my mind, I keep on drowing from thinking too much of it.

But I shoud stop it. Not only did it hurt my self-respect but also affected my relationship with Silas.

Tama na, Angelu. Sabi niya pa no'n na hindi ka niya ulit sasaktan pero nagawa niya pa rin. Huwag mo na ipilit.

Kung ayaw niya sa 'yo, edi ayos lang. Tanggapin mo.

It's okay if people won't still like you despite showing all the kindness. What's more important is you're kind to yourself while also being kind to others.

Those are the words I keep on reminding myself. I really have to be strict about my boundaries; it's to make sure that I'm still safe while going beyond my comfort zone.

"Ba't 'di nag-uusap itong dalawa? Basted ka ulit, bro?" hirit ni Ross.

Kumunot ang noo ko.

I was seating between Adiel and Claire. Si Silas nasa likuran ko, katabi nina Eli. Meanwhile, Carleigh and Caliah glanced at each other meaningfully.

Yumuko ako, nahihiya.

Wala silang ideya sa nangyari sa pagitan namin ni Silas. Ilang araw na rin ang lumipas at hindi na ulit kami nagkausap ni Silas. Sabi niya ayos lang daw siya, pero iniiwasan ako. It was my fault I know. At hindi ko siya masisisi kung ayaw niya muna aking kausapin.

I know I should apologize, pero nagdadalawang-isip ako. Kasi 'di ba if you're really sorry, meaning you regret the actions that hurt the person?

Paano kung gusto ko ang nangyari... pero sa gitna ng kagustuhang iyon ay may nasagasaan pala akong damdamin?

Is it alright to feel sorry about hurting the feelings of the person, but not the actions behind it?

I groaned inwardly. This is stressing me out, really. I need someone to talk some sense out of me.

"Dude, nagtatampo ba si Calli sa 'yo?" subok pa ni Ross, target na naman kami para lang may mapag-usapan.

"No."

"Hindi, ah."

Tumikhim ako nang nagsabay pa kaming magsalita ni Silas.

It was followed by a long stretch of awkward silence.

"'Yaan mo na, manood na lang tayo," aya ni Adiel sa akin sabay share ng iPad niya habang natatawa.

Sinimangutan ko siya ngunit kalaunan ay bumigay na rin. The topic finally shifted away from us which gave me a sense of relief.

Nang makalapag ang eroplano sa Lio Airport ay tahimik ang lahat. Kahit si Claire ay mukhang pagod sa biyahe lalo na at ang ingay kanina. It took half an hour before we arrived at El Nido town proper and to have finally put our luggages in our respective hotel rooms.

Kailangan kong mag-enjoy sa trip namin lalo na at ngayon lang hindi naging mahigpit si Mommy sa akin at talagang pinayagan akong sumama sa Palawan.

It's been three days since we enjoyed basking in the scorching sun of El Nido and got used to the cold breeze whenever I was walking by the beach at night. Last day na namin sa Palawan, and believe me when I say I'm getting emotional thinking about leaving this newly found paradise.

Mamayang madaling araw ang uwi namin kaya halos hindi na ako umapak sa pinaglalagiang hotel-naging abala ako sa pagtitingin-tingin sa paligid at pagkuha ng mga litrato dahil isa ito sa mga experience na ayaw kong malimutan.

Talagang babalik ako rito sa susunod at dapat kasama na sina Mommy! I know they will enjoy this place. Nangingiti na ako sa excitement.

I tried to see everything my eyes were able to take in. To memorize the rhythm of the waves wildly approaching the shoreline, only to leave silently and... come back again.

There's something meaningful about how perpetual everything around me is. Just like the sun showing up when I wake, slowly setting and changing into warm hues when I feel like disappearing-when I'm already wanting to rest after enjoying the day.

"Carleigh!" tawag ko sa kaibigan nang nakita ko siyang papalapit sa akin sa dalampasigan.

Pinanood ko ang ekspresyon niyang hindi man lang nagbago. Seryoso at tila wala sa mood.

"Okay ka lang?"

She shrugged. "Ikaw? Okay ka lang ba?"

"Oo naman. Bakit?"

"Ano'ng nangyari sa inyo ni Silas? Akala ko may chance siya sa 'yo. Bakit parang may kakaiba?"

Sunod-sunod ang mga tanong niya na ikinakunot ng noo ko. Hindi agad ako makasagot.

"Bakit mo siya binigyan ng chance?"

Napatitig ako sa kaniya. She sounds mad. Of course, they would notice the awkward atmosphere. Hindi ko lang inaasahan ang ganitong uri ng confrontation niya.

"Bakit biglaan itong usapan, Carleigh?"

"Will you just stop playing innocent now? Naiirita na ako-"

Bigla akong kinabahan sa pagtaas ng kaniyang tono.

"K-Kasi crush ko siya, Carleigh," natataranta kong sagot dahil parang ilang segundo na lang ay sasakmalin niya na ako rito.

Nalilito ako, pero naiintindihan ko na kung saan siya nanggagaling. Hindi ko rin maintindihan kung bakit hinayaan ko ang sariling umabot sa puntong ito. Basta ang alam ko ay naguguluhan ako sa tunay na nararamdaman.

She scoffed. "Crush? Baduy. Kung hindi mo gusto si Silas, huwag mo nang paasahin. Please lang."

My lips parted. Parang hindi si Carleigh ang kaharap ko. She sounds so harsh and pissed; very different from the sweet and bubbly person I know.

"Are you drunk, Carleigh?" I bit my lip.

Natawa siya sa sinabi ko. "Drunk or not, I'd still say the same thing. Kung gusto mo talaga si Silas, edi bakuran mo siya sa lintang Claire na 'yon."

"What do you mean?"

Tamad lang siyang umirap at tinalikuran ako. Wala akong nagawa kundi sundan na lamang siya.

Why is Carleigh mad at me...

Habang lumalalim ang gabi ay mas nagiging mabangis ang mga tao sa paligid. Bumalik kami sa resto bar at doon natagpuan ang mga kaibigan na nagpapakalunod sa alak at maingay na musika.

Dumapo ang tingin ko kay Claire na kung makakapit kay Silas ay parang mawawala siya.

I thought she likes Adiel...

Hindi kaya ay iba na naman ang crush niya? Does it really work like that?

"See? If you really care about him, hindi mo hahayaan na may babaeng ganiyan kung makakapit sa kaniya."

Maingay man ang paligid ngunit malinaw ang aking pandinig sa sinabi ni Carleigh.

I looked back at them.

I care about him...

But I don't mind seeing him with other girls like that.

"What's wrong with it?"

"Really, Calli? Ewan ko kung bobo ka o wala lang pakialam-"

"Carleigh, bakit ka ganiyan makapagsalita sa akin?" Hindi ko na mapigilang sitahin siya. My heart hurt a little with the way she's talking to me.

May ganito ba talagang epekto ang alak sa sistema ng tao? Hindi naman siya ganiyan sa akin.

"Ang bait-bait ni Silas sa 'yo, pero pinapaasa mo lang siya! Are you that heartless, Callista? Edi sana hindi mo na lang siya binigyan ng chance-"

Halos isigaw niya sa akin bawat salita. Ang lakas-lakas din ng music sa loob. Tapos 'yong puso ko parang sasabog sa kaba. Pakiramdam ko may nagawa akong masama kay Silas. Nakokonsensya ako tuwing naalala iyong araw na nahuli niya ako.

Nalulungkot ako dahil nasasaktan ko siya pero hindi ko pa rin mapigilang isipin si...

Nag-init ang sulok ng aking mga mata.

"Stop... oo, tama ka. Pupuntahan ko na siya. Huwag ka mag-alala. Sorry..."

Carleigh's mad. At tama siya. Every word made sense. Kapag nagpatuloy itong pagiging 'bobo' ko ay hindi lang siya ang magagalit. Pati na rin sina Caliah, Ross, at Eli.

Si Adiel? I know he'll forever side with me. Magtatampo siguro siya pero alam kong hindi niya kayang magalit sa akin. At kung mali man ako, alam kong maayos niya pa rin akong pakikitunguhan.

Lumakad na ako patungo sa kanilang puwesto. Silang dalawa lang talaga sa couch habang ang iba ay nasa dance floor na at nagtatatalon.

"Sige na, punta tayo sa dance floor! Saglit lang naman!" ang malamyos na boses ni Claire habang hinihila si Silas.

"Puwede namang ikaw na lang," mahinahon na tanggi ni Silas at sinusubukang kumawala sa kapit ng babae.

"Silas..."

Halos maitulak niya si Claire papalayo nang makita ako. Inayos niya ang postura at nagpagpag pa ng damit.

"Calli..." he called softly.

Sumulyap ako kay Claire na nagbago ang timpla nang makita ako. "Oh, ikaw pala," hilaw na bati niya.

I caught Silas rolling his eyes. Lumapit siya sa akin at tinuro ang exit. "Labas tayo?"

Hindi na ako tumanggi at tumango na. Pinanood kong umalis si Claire at dinaluhan ang mga kaibigan.

Sabay kaming lumabas ni Silas at naglakad-lakad sa ilalim ng coconut trees. Tanging hampas ng alon at ang malayong tunog ng musika ang tanging nangibabaw sa aming pagitan.

I observed Silas beside me and noticed how many times he swallowed and pursed his lips, as though holding back from saying something.

Ang mga kamay ay nasa kaniyang likod habang diretso ang tingin. Hinihipan naman ng hangin ang kaniyang magulong buhok.

I smiled sadly while memorizing every feature of his face.

To be honest, he's almost perfect, but something's wrong with me.

Lumingon siya at naabutan akong nakatitig sa kaniya.

His lips protruded. Lumihis na ako ng tingin dahil mukhang aasarin niya ako.

He lazily chuckled. "Calli..."

"Oh?"

"Can you stop looking at me that way?"

"Huh? What way?" lingon ko na naman.

"Iyong ganiyan. You stare as if you're in love with me."

Imbes na matawa ay mas natahimik ako. Napawi tuloy ang ngiti niya at huminto sa paglalakad para harapin ako nang tuluyan.

"I'm sorry," sabi niya agad at sinubukang ngumisi.

Muli na namang nag-init ang sulok ng aking mata. My tears were threatening to fall.

"Bakit ka ganiyan? Ako dapat 'yong nagso-sorry sa 'yo..."

His eyes blinked in surprise when I stepped forward to reach his face. I pulled the corner of his lips downward to erase that fake smile.

"Will you stop smiling when you really don't feel happy?"

"I'm happy..." he uttered. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at binaba.

"You make me happy, Calli," he continued.

My lips quivered. God, how can I hurt someone like him? He's very sincere and kind to me. Why is my heart not cooperating?

"But I'm also hurting you," mapait kong amin.

"I don't care as long as it's you."

Lumabo na ang aking paningin dahil sa pagbagsak ng matatabang luha.

"I'm very sorry..."

Silas is a good friend. Truly. He always makes me feel included in the circle. Tulad ng sabi ko, I used to be alone until Adiel introduced me to his friends and I'm beyond grateful for that.

I just never thought that Silas would develop romantic feelings toward me. I felt so guilty every time he professes his love for me.

Laking gulat ko nang bigla na lamang siyang yumuko. And even before he could do something, I already took a step back.

"Shit," he whispered when he saw what I did. Napahilamos siya sa mukha at mas umatras at bigyan kami ng distansya sa isa't isa.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for attempting..."

And now... I even felt more guilty about the enlightenment I just received the moment I took that step back.

Bakit ba kasi gusto niya ako?

At bakit kasi hindi ko na lang siya gusto?

Tuloy-tuloy ang agos ng luha ko nang mabatid kung gaano kalaking gulo ang sinimulan ko.

Simula pa lang ay misunderstanding na ang lahat. The signs were definitely misconceived.

Hindi ko gusto si Silas. Iyon ang totoo. Mali ang pag-intindi ko sa bawat senyales na naiparamdam niya. Mali na pinilit ko ang sarili na iyon ang kahulugan no'n. Maling pinilit na paniwalaan na siya ang gusto ko dahil lang sa... nabigyan ko siya ng pagkakataon.

The signs were physiological responses, but now that I think of it... it could be more than that. Kinabahan ako no'ng malapit siya siya, hindi dahil may gusto ako sa kaniya ngunit dahil bago rin sa akin ang pangyayari. The feeling of uneasiness when you're about to experience something very unfamiliar.

And I might think about Silas too much—not because I like him, but because I keep analyzing every moment of that unfamiliar experience involving him. I'm confused, too. Confused about why the kiss felt weird with him instead of... magical.

Maybe coz it's my first time. There's something memorable about a person's firsts—whether good or bad, they can really reverberate through one's entire system.

It reminded me of the primacy effect in psychology, where our brains naturally place greater weight on "firsts" because they represent something novel to us. At dahil unfamiliar pa sa akin ang experience, my brain may process it with heightened emotional arousal and attention. It's a kind of cognitive bias that makes me more likely to remember these "firsts".

"Silas, I think I need to make myself clear from now on..."

I wiped my tears, determined to set things straight between us tonight.

Natigilan siya.

"Sorry kung pinapaasa kita... I'm very sorry for giving you the chance, but I think I made a mistake."

"Calli..." bakas ang takot sa kaniyang boses.

Nagpatuloy ako. "Nagkamali ako. Alam kong masasaktan kita lalo, pero ayaw ko nang patagalin pa..." I looked down. "Nagkamali ako. I shouldn't have given you the chance. Ayaw kong paasahin ka."

His eyes watered. Bago pa may pumatak ay pinunasan niya na iyon. Suminghap siya.

"Wala itong patutunguhan kaya sorry talaga..."

Clearly, I told myself before the first time he confessed that I was uninterested. So what was I really thinking the day I gave him the chance?

"Why? Do you like someone else?"

Lumundag ang puso ko sa tanong niya.

And like a broken machine, that particular intimate moment kept replaying in my mind, over and over, as if it had every intention of living there rent-free.

But there's no denying it.

I'm sure.

I'm never this sure.

He's the one I like.

And I miss him. So much.

"Y-Yes..."

Hindi na napigilan at nag-unahan nang tumulo ang luha sa kaniyang mata na kahit gaano pa kalakas ang hangin ay hindi nito kayang tuyuin.

Parang pinipiga ang puso ko habang pinanonood siyang tahimik na umiiyak. I made my friend cry. I'm the reason why he's sad right now. He tried to stop himself from breaking down but failed terribly.

God, I'm so cruel. I don't deserve his love. I don't even deserve to be happy right now. I'm so sorry, God. Please, kung puwede ay ilipat mo na lang po sa akin ang sakit na nararamdaman niya na ako rin naman ang dahilan.

I hesitated to go near him, but something in me felt like I had to. So, when I finally found the courage, I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly. Surprisingly, he clung to me as though his life depended on it.

"I'm so sorry..."

Sobrang higpit ng yakap niya na para bang sa oras na kumawala ako ay hindi niya na ako malalapitan pa.

"I understand, Calli... hindi ko lang inaasahan na sa tagal nating magkasama ay may nagustuhan ka pala."

My heart felt so light when minutes after he finally calmed down. "I'm sorry about earlier. I just felt so vulnerable."

Halos hindi na siya makatingin sa akin dahil sa hiya. Kahit medyo madilim at tanging liwanag lang ng buwan ang nagsisilbing ilaw ay pansin ko ang pamumula niya.

I tapped him on the back. "No problem, Silas."

"So who is the lucky guy? I never saw you with anyone."

I smiled while looking at the dark skies. "To be honest, he doesn't like me. I just... like him. That's all."

He chuckled. "Then he's stupid. Ano ba ang hindi kagusto-gusto sa 'yo?"

Napanguso ako. "Maybe I'm too clingy? Ayaw ako no'n makita, nakukulitan yata." Itinawa ko na lang ang pait.

He looked at me seriously. "You're clingy? And he doesn't like it?" he repeated the words as if he couldn't believe what he heard.

Tumango ako.

Right, Silas? You like everything about me, but that guy... he doesn't even like my existence.

"Siraulo pala siya kung ganoon. You are loved by a lot of people, so you don't have to force yourself onto him."

I shrugged. Silas was right. I didn't need anyone else's love when I was already surrounded by so much of it. But still, I wanted him to love me, too.

Hindi ko siya sinagot dahil alam ko na hindi ko kaya iyong iwasan nang matagal.

Nakaupo na kami ngayon sa buhangin. I hugged my knees and rested my chin.

Inalala ko lahat ng mga sandaling nandoon ako. Ano kaya ang ginagawa niya ngayon? Kumain na kaya siya? Does Kitty keep him company? Malungkot pa ba siya?

At wala nga talaga akong isang salita.

Ang sabi ko ay bibigyan ko siya ng time at space, pero nang makauwi kami ay hindi na ako nagtagal pa't tinahak na ang daan patungo sa kaniya.

I miss him a lot. I miss memorizing his face when he isn't looking. I miss familiarizing myself with the sound of his breathing, just so I'd know whether he's feeling fine. I miss his rare smiles. I miss the way his hand grips the pen when he writes his replies. I miss his raspy voice the first time I heard it even when the next words spoken were daggers thrown at me.

I miss him so much that I don't care about what happened the last time.