Chapter 6

Voice

"Mommy, are you okay? What's wrong po?"

I was ready to go to bed when Mom knocked on my door and looked at me, pissed.

"Anak, kailan uuwi iyang si Claire?" halukipkip niya.

"Huh? Bakit po?"

Iritado siyang naupo sa aking kama at napailing. "I don't want to be mean to your friend especially since I'm also friends with her mom, but she's really giving off a bitchy vibe."

"Language po, mommy..." magalang na sita ko.

She rolled her eyes. Napanguso ako nang matantong parang bumabalik si Mommy sa pagkabata. Sabi ni Lolo Dad at Lola ay talagang matigas ang ulo ni Mommy dati at suplada pa.

Now that she's acting this way, I feel like I have a sneak peek of her teenage years.

"Ano po ba ang nangyari?"

"Well, I just saw her earlier trying to steal a kiss from your brother!"

Natutop ko ang labi ko. "Really, mom? Oh my!"

"Right?! Eh, hindi naman sila close at siya pa talaga ang nag-first move, ha?" bulong-bulong niya.

"Nagagwapuhan po kasi siya kay Adiel, mom, kaya po siguro gusto halikan."

Lumalim ang kunot ng noo niya. "And what do you know about that, Callista Angelu?"

"Po? Sabi kasi ni Claire sa akin ay normal daw po humalik kahit walang label lalo na kung attracted ka roon sa guy..."

"What the hell?"

Ngumiwi ako.

"Bad influence iyang batang 'yan! Don't take any advice from her!"

"Hindi ba't ganoon ka rin dati, mom?" tanong ko nang may naalala.

Nagsalubong ang kilay niya. "Excuse me?"

Napalabi ako. "Iyon ang sabi ni Lola dati po. You kissed Dad first daw po at hindi mo pa po boyfriend si Daddy noon..."

Nasapo niya ang kaniyang noo. "That's a different story, anak. I was impulsive back then, but that's not something I want you to follow."

Tumango ako. "Okay, mom."

She reached out her hand to me, so I walked toward and sat beside her. She hugged and caressed my hair.

She sighed. "I know you're at the right age to enter a romantic relationship, Angelu... but forgive me if I'm too protective of you both. Ayaw ko lang na maranasan ninyo ang naranasan ko noon..."

"I believe there's no such thing as a right age for that, mom."

"Well, you're right. Are you liking someone, though?"

Tumingala ako kay Mommy habang nakayakap sa kaniya. "Wala po."

I felt my mom smile. "Are you sure? Baka gaya ka rin ng kapatid mo na nagsesekreto na sa akin," boses nagtatampong sabi niya.

Napalabi ako. Wala naman akong tinatago sa kaniya...

"May nagugustuhan po si Adi?"

"I guess. He's keeping it a secret, though. Hayaan mo na't baka nahihiya ang kapatid mo."

Natawa ako. Really? Adiel liking someone? Nakakapanibagong pakinggan. Now I wonder who's the girl...

"Hmm... how about Silas, hija? I think he's a good guy," makahulugan niyang sambit.

"What about Silas po?"

"I heard he likes you?" bulong niya, tila may sekretong isinisiwalat sa akin.

Natawa ako. "Where did you get that, Mom? Si Adiel po ba nagsabi?"

"Uh-uh. Si Silas mismo. He told me he likes my beautiful daughter."

"That's brave of him," I muttered.

"Ayaw mo sa kaniya?"

"Hindi naman sa ayaw po. I just didn't feel the emotions they say you're supposed to feel when you like someone. He's just a friend."

"Ouch. The poor boy is friendzoned then. Sino ba ang crush mo kung ganoon? Eli? Ross?"

"Mom! They're my friends!" saway ko.

"So? That doesn't limit you from liking them on a deeper level."

Bumagsak ang balikat ko. Bakit lahat ng nasa paligid ko ay tila pare-pareho ng mga sinasabi?

"Mommy, why do I feel like you're pushing me to enter a relationship? Akala ko po ba protective ka?"

Natawa siya. "That's not what I meant, hija. I'm fine with you getting a boyfriend, just let me meet the guy first. I want to make sure he deserves you and will take care of your heart, not break it."

"I'll make sure that when the time comes, you'll like who I choose," I whispered and hugged her tight.

I heard some people say that the heart wants what it wants, and that sometimes you can't really control who you're going to fall for-and that's why I understand Silas.

Kasi tama nga naman... bakit mo pa pahihirapan ang sarili mong magkagusto sa taong hindi naman kayang suklian ang nararamdaman mo, kung puwede namang magustuhan na lang din ang may gusto sa 'yo? Of course, everyone wants their feelings and energy to be reciprocated.

And if it were only easier, we would definitely choose the people who feel the same way about us.

"I'm sorry I couldn't keep my word about not bringing this up to you again. Alam kong alam mo naman na may gusto ako sa 'yo..." Silas looked away, avoiding my serious gaze. "But I really want to be known."

In broad daylight, just like the first time, he confessed his love again. But this time, every word he uttered was desperate to be heard and felt-like he wanted to engrave it in my mind, make me realize, and understand that this love deserves to be reciprocated.

"Calli..." he called then stopped. Sa paraan ng kaniyang paglunok tila ba nahihirapan siyang sundan iyon.

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa bouquet ng sunflower na bigay niya sa akin. We were under a broken arched window in the church ruins-the sunlight cast a soft glow in his eyes, flickering into an ember, then into a glisten, like a tear waiting to be shed.

Humakbang ako papalapit sa kaniya. Tumingala ako sa luhang nagbabadyang kumawala sa sulok ng kaniyang mga mata. My heart hurt a little at the sight of him-trying to stay brave, holding back as his walls threatened to completely crumble.

"Silas, go on. Nakikinig ako," I softly urged him. Sinalo ng aking kamay ang luhang pumatak sa kaniyang kaliwang mata. I wiped it gently and smiled at him.

"Calli, please...give me a chance..."

Bumaba ang kamay ko at napatitig sa kaniya.

"Alam kong kaibigan lang ang tingin mo sa akin... but please, allow me to treat you as more than that."

Nagpabalik-balik sa aking isipan ang mga boses ng mga taong napagtanungan ko tungkol sa bagay na ito. They look happy whenever they talk about love.

Kaibigan ko siya. I once avoided him because of this. Na-awkward ako no'n pero kalaunan ay nalimutan din.

Silas is a good guy. A nice friend. Gentle. Kind. Handsome. Smart. Rich. There's nothing not to like. My friends trust him. He's closest to Adiel. Even my mom likes him. He likes me.
Everything's already in place, it just needs my approval.

To be honest, I'm fine with what I have now-a few people I love, trust, and share both laughter and tears with.

In our psychology class, we discussed comfort zones as emotionally safe spaces. Some say that while they can protect us, they can also confine us-sometimes limiting our potential. That's why we are encouraged to gradually step out, with the intention of exploring personal growth and self-discovery.

I've grown so used to my comfort zone that stepping out of it never crossed my mind and now that it finally did...

Will giving him a chance contribute to my growth? Will I learn more about myself through it?

Paano ko nga naman malalaman? Wala naman yatang masama kung...susubukan.

Subukan ko ba?

Dahan-dahan akong tumango.

His eyes widened a fraction.

A small smile crept on my lips.

I had finally decided.

"Okay, Silas. Let's try."

Hindi na ako tinantanan ng tingin ni Silas kahit pa nasa biyahe na kami pauwi. Hindi mawala ang gulat sa kaniyang mukha at kinailangan pang tanungin ako ng ilang beses.

"Fuck...yes!"

"Shh!" saway ko nang marinig iyon sa kaniya.

Tahimik lang kami sa biyahe habang aliw rin akong pinanonood ang tanawin sa bintana. Magaan ang dibdib ko. I feel glad...giving him a chance.

My stomach suddenly felt upset when the intense gaze of a certain guy popped into my mind.

Oh my...

Sumulyap ako kay Silas. "Malapit na ba tayo?"

"Medyo. May problema ba?"

Tahimik akong umiling, sinusubukang hindi ipahalata na gusto ko kaagad makauwi.

Nasabi ko naman na sa kaniya na may lakad ako ngayong araw kaya baka hindi ko siya mapuntahan. Naintindihan niya naman 'yon, but now that I think about it... I suddenly want to see him.

The car suddenly pulled over to the side. Napunta ang atensyon ko roon. "What's wrong?"

Dismayadong hinampas si Silas sa manibela. He then went outside the car.

We were in the middle of empty road, and I was suddenly confused. Lumabas ako at nilapitan siya.

"Flat?"

He sighed. "I'm sorry, Calli. Wala akong spare tire. We have to call for help."

Tumango ako at tahimik lang siyang pinagmamasdan. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed some help. Tinaas niya ang hood ng sasakyan at sumandal doon habang naghihintay ng sasagot.

Tahimik na lamang ako na nagdasal na sana ay ligtas kaming makauwi at makahanap kaagad siya ng tulong.

"Wala pa rin?" I asked him after a while.

Umiling siya. He stared at me. "Are you scared, Calli?"

Natawa ako. "Hindi, ah." I then looked around. Very empty but not scary. But I remember some movie scenes.

His lips rose. "Well, knowing you, you feel more thrilled than scared."

Mas lalo akong natawa. My eyes turned into slits. "And you're more scared than thrilled. 'Di ba, Silas?" asar ko.

Sumimangot siya. Alam kong bukod sa nag-aalala talaga siya sa sitwasyon namin ay natatakot din siya.

"You remember the movie we watched before? Iyong na-stuck sila sa gitna ng kalsada tapos-" pang-aasar ko.

"Don't even think about finishing that, Calli," he groaned like a tortured animal.

Humalakhak ako. Tinabihan ko siya sa gilid ng sasakyan at patuloy na inasar. He looked stressed over this minor inconvenience that I had to help him loosen up. Hindi naman ako nagmamadali...yata.

"Paano kung may pumasok pala sa trunk?"

Tinakpan niya ang kaniyang mga tainga kaya naman hinawakan ko iyon at gustong ibaba.

"Same old Silas," I teased. Matatakutin siya, pero hindi niya iyon ipinapahalata sa mga kaibigan dahil siguro siya ang magiging trip.

Dapat nga siya ang protektahan kaysa sa akin dahil... I smirked. Naalala ko na naman iyong pag-ghost hunti nina Eli at Ross na dahilan para magkakilala kami ng guwapong lalaki roon.

He looked down, almost glaring at me but amusement still written on his lips.

Nagkatitigan kami nang napansin kong dahan-dahang naglaho ang ngisi sa kaniyang labi. His eyes then stayed on my still smiling lips.

"'Yan, tsk...sino bang 'di mahuhulog diyan?" napapaos niyang satinig at iniwas ang tingin sa akin.

My hands remained holding him when I arched my brow, confused. "What?"

Nanghihina siyang umirap. "Sinong 'di mahuhulog kung ganiyan ka?"

Napabitiw ako sa kaniyang kamay at humalukipkip. I felt my cheeks slightly burning.

"Huh? Wala nga akong ginagawa!"

He scoffed. "Exactly."

I smirked. Nilapitan ko siya. "Gusto mo talaga ako?" hamon ko. Ngayong nag-sink in na talaga sa akinn ang feelings niya ay komportable na akong pag-usapan iyon.

I'm really curious and, at the same time, amazed by his feelings toward me. It makes me want to challenge him... maybe I'll learn more about it.

I was startled when he pulled me closer to him. His face was now close to mine, his breath fanning my cheek.

Kumabog ang dibdib ko sa kabang naramdaman.

One sign. Kinakabahan ka.

"Magagalit ka ba kung..." Bumaba na naman ang tingin niya sa aking labi.

I let out a shaky breath. The atmosphere suddenly felt heavy and warm. I felt my body stiffen, and I couldn't even think straight.

Hahalikan niya ba ako?

"N-Nagagandahan ka ba sa akin?" kabado kong tawa.

He chuckled lowly. "Of course, bakit mo naman iyan natanong?"

"S-Sabi kasi ng kaibigan ko...attracted ka raw kapag gusto mong halikan iyong tao..." nauutal kong sambit. Ito na ba 'yon?

"Do you want me to kiss you?"

Nataranta ako. "Huh?! Wala akong sinabi at saka hindi ako marunong...nakakahiya naman!"

He let out a bark of laughter. Sumandal siya palapit sa akin hanggang sa nakaramdaman na lamang ako ng malabot na dampi sa aking labi. He then enveloped me for a tight hug. "You really are an angel, Calli..."

Naestatwa ako sa kinatatayuan.

That was...my first kiss! First. Kiss. Silas just stole it!

Everything happened so fast that I wasn't able to even process it. It was like my neurons traveled so fast through myelinated axons, sending signals to my nervous system in a flash.

Hindi ko alam kung anong una kong iisipin. Iyong halik ba o ang pagbanggit niya ng salitang anghel na naging dahilan para sumagi na naman siya sa isip ko.

"Hindi ko talaga maintindihan!" himutok ko.

Tumili ulit si Claire at halos batuhin ako ng unan. After an hour of painful awkwardness, we finally got home safely. Hinatid ako ni Silas at ngayong hindi ako mapakali ay ikinuwento ko lahat kay Claire ang tungkol sa nangyari buong araw.

"So ano masarap ba 'yong halik? Anong pakiramdam?!"

"Uhm..." Napahawak ako sa labi ko. "Hindi ko naman nalasahan...at parang nanlamig ako kanina. Nagulat ako sa ginawa niya."

"Girl, tanga ka talaga! May feelings ka na!"

Hindi niya naman ako kailangan sabihan ng tanga.

"May crush na...ako?"

"Oo! Kailangan pa ba itanong 'yan? Halata na!"

So...ganito iyong pakiramdam? Ganito lang? Kabog ng dibdib kasi kinakabahan kapag malapit siya?

Minsan nahihiya na rin ako sa pagiging clueless ko sa mga bagay-bagay. I suddenly regret not exploring more. Maybe being homeschooled and friendless before are some of the reasons I ended up this way. Unlike my twin, who is the complete opposite of me-he had more freedom than I did. Mas sociable at maraming adventures. Nakapag-aral din siya sa isang eskwelahan.

I don't know why even though we are equally loved, we were raised differently. It was only when I entered college that Mommy allowed me to watch and read whatever I wanted like thrillers and some romance, but those weren't enough to make me well-informed.

I was so sheltered and restricted that I now appear stupid in this area.

Nadismaya ako nang matutuhan iyon kay Claire. Hindi ko inaasahang ganito lang pala iyong pakiramdam ng may crush. People around me always act giddy when they talk about crushes. Si Claire nga parang kinakapos ng hininga.

I noticed some signs earlier, but to me, they were just physiological responses to external stimuli. Something that can all be explained scientifically.

Kaya ngayong sinabi niyang crush ko na rin daw si Silas dahil sa nangyari ay naniwala ako sa kaniya... dahil may karanasan siya samantalang ako ay sumusubok pa.

Why do you look so bothered? Did something happen yesterday when you weren't here?

Niyakap ko ang sariling tuhod habang kapwa kami nakaupo at nakatanaw sa bintana.

Hindi naging maayos ang tulog ko kagabi dahil sa halik na iyon. I was trying to reflect on it-to ask myself what I really felt about it and all I got was a one-word answer-emptiness. Bukod sa kaba, wala na. Sa tingin ko mayroon pang iba, hindi ko lamang agad mapangalanan kaya ngayon ay bothered pa rin ako.

"May aaminin po ako..." matamlay kong sambit.

He nodded gently and waited for my confession.

"Kahapon po... nag-kiss po kami ni Silas dito." Sabay turo ko sa ibabang parte ang aking labi kung saan dumampi ang kay Silas.

Natigilan siya at ilang beses na napakurap. His jaw clenched. Matagal siyang naka-recover sa sinabi ko bago nagsulat at ibigay sa akin ang notebook.

I thought he's just a friend.

Nanginig ang labi ko dahil naiinis ako sa sarili. Hindi ko maintindihan iyong damdamin ko. Blanko pero naguguluhan. Posible ba 'yon? Frustrated, bothered, and confused. Lahat iyan dahil sa nangyari kahapon.

"Opo..." Yumuko ako. "He asked for a chance, so I gave him one."

And what do you feel about it?

"Honestly? Masaya po ako kahapon para sa kaniya dahil nabigyan ko siya ng chance. I also took the risk thinking that it would help me... ease my curiosity and learn something from it."

Hindi gaya kay Claire, mas naging vocal ako sa naramdaman ko ngayon. I was able to share my raw emotions with him without being afraid of the hurtful words I might receive.

Medyo nahihiya kasi akong ibuhos lahat kay Claire dahil pakiramdam ko maliit ang tingin niya sa akin dahil sa kawalan ko ng karanasan.

Did the kiss give you the answer you needed?

Umiling ako.

What are you curious about, anyway?

"Sa mga crush po gano'n. Mabait po kasi si Silas. Gusto po siya ni Mommy at ng mga kaibigan namin kaya...kahit tinanggihan ko na siya noong pinakauna, bumigay po ako nang pangalawa dahil gusto ko rin po ma-explore ang ganitong bagay."

Hindi kaagad siya nakapagsulat at tila malalim ang iniisip. Hinaplos niya ang ulo ni Kittie at tumingin doon sa mga puno sa labas.

While he was busy thinking, I rested my chin on my knee. I scanned his face and memorized every detail.

Palagi ko naman siyang tinitingnan sa ganitong paraan at alam ko sa sarili ko na kabisado ko na rin ang bawat sulok ng kaniyang mukha.

But those eyes...

When they look at me, I always wonder how they truly see me. Minsan niya lang din ako tingnan ngunit kung titingin siya, nagtatagal iyon. And because of that, I am also curious what he thinks about me.

And those lips.

Nakita ko na kung paano kumurba ang mga iyon para sa isang tipid na ngiti o simangot. When those lips move, I always wish they'd be followed by the sound of his voice, saying my name in whatever way he wants.

I may not know him by name, but in the quiet moments, I've learned the pattern of his heartbeat.

Maybe you're just confused, angel.

"Ano po ang gagawin ko?" Hindi na ako makatingin sa kaniya nang diretso lalo na nang maabutan niya akong nakatitig sa kaniyang labi.

Let it be. Allow yourself to explore without committing right away.

"Baka po... dapat masundan pa po iyon? First time ko po kasi kaya baka nalilito pa ako."

Humarap ang kaniyang katawan sa akin. Nagulat ako nang makitang galit na ang kaniyang mga matang nakatingin sa akin.

Halos mapunit ang papel sa bawat diin ng pagsulat niya ng mga salita. I gulped when I saw how his fist clench.

You badly wanna satiate that curiosity of yours, huh?

"O-Opo..." Wala lang naman ito sa akin dati, but lately, pakiramdam ko dapat makisabay ako.

I'll help you then.

"T-Talaga po?!"

He nodded and looked at me darkly.

"Ano po-"

Halos malaglag ang puso ko sa sahig nang hawakan niya ang panga ko at inilapit sa kaniya. He angled his head and reached for my lips.

His. Damn. Lips. On. Mine.

Goodness freaking gracious!

Nang magsimulang gumalaw ang kaniyang labi ay para akong aatakihin sa puso sa sobrang lakas ng pintig nito. My head felt dizzy in an instant.

God...

It was as if I just had run a marathon, I was suddenly out of breath and everything went blurry. My eyes had just rolled back. Biglang nagkagulo ang buong sistema ko.

"Damn angel... open your mouth," a voice whispered hoarsely in my ear.