A/N :

WARNING : NO BETA. HEAVY ANGST

Please tell me if you want to beta this!

Enjoy, this is a gift from an angst burrito 

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Choose one.

Being the one who leaves?

Or

Being the one who loses it?

A deep sigh escaped his mouth, he blinked away the crystal clear tears from his doe eyes. He chuckled dryly, he looked up and for a moment he thought inside his head why God gave him this kind of misery, a really cruel fate.

He should never accept the marriage proposal.

If you ask him, if you ask Kim Seokjin what he regretted the most; it would be Kim Taehyung.

Seokjin regretted everything.

Every little detail he could remember, he hoped he could re-wind the time. Back to the first time when he met the younger man. Seokjin was still a freshman in his university and Taehyung was a freshman in his high school.

It was in the middle of the autumn season, in front of the post office. Yellow ginkgo leaf was flying with the cold wind like people passing by but Seokjin's gaze was fixed to the vending machine before him.

The weather was nice and cosy, the older man wanted a hot chocolate from the vending machine and luckily there was still one medium sized milk box in the machine. The last chocolate milk, but when he was about to push the button after he inserted the coins; an unknown finger pushed it first, casually taking the chocolate milk from the machine and gave him his coins to Seokjin.

Seokjin was furious, the stranger took his chocolate milk! He was so ready to let out all of his stress to the unknown boy beside him but then, he lost all of his words when he saw those sharp eyes.

When their eyes met, locked gaze, he felt it through his bones; they called it "love at first sight" in the evening drama.

Seokjin wondered back then if he didn't stay there and left Taehyung immediately; if he never accepted the younger boy's boxy smile as an apology and fell to the boy's obvious trick to get his name; maybe they would never be a couple.

If he never told Taehyung his number, his age, what kind of food he loved; just if he never let Taehyung stepped into his life, maybe the boy would never be the most important thing in his life. Heck, they wouldn't be hurting like this.

He sobbed, the ugly sobbing sound he desperately tried to hold back. He sat on the floor and his crooked fingers pulled out a huge baby blue box from under his bed. Seokjin bit his lips as he opened the lid carefully, there were plenty of things inside that box.

Seokjin took out an album, an old album with a smooth brown cover and two letters engraved to the cover; [T&S]. He smiled softly as he caressed it gently, his eyes brimmed with hot tears again.

The first page, the very first date.

It took almost a year for Seokjin to accept Taehyung's confession, to be his boyfriend. The younger man was so stubborn, he kept coming to the older man university after his school was over. Taehyung followed him like a lost little puppy, Ken and Sandeul also helped the younger man by keeping him away from people that tried to ask him out when Taehyung wasn't with them.

Seokjin watched him grew, how unfair the world was when Taehyung's voice changed and how the younger man became so strong to the point he started to see him as an adult man instead of a high school kid.

Their first date was a simple picnic, it wasn't fancy. The used a cheap picnic set and ate Seokjin's homemade sandwiches. They spent hours under a big tree in the park, simply enjoying the warm breeze and the flowery scent from the blooming wildflowers.

Taehyung sang and Seokjin played the guitar, they sang together at the end; their voices harmonized perfectly. They cuddled, whispering stupid jokes to each other's ears; they became a giggling mess but they were so happy that day. A sweet moment he would never forget no matter what, also the memories he wanted to erase.

The second page, it was connected to Seokjin's birthday. It was in December when the air got chilly and the snow was covering almost every surface of their town. Seokjin forgot about their promise because his professor kept asking about his assignment. He made the younger man waited for three hours outside a restaurant with freezing cold weather.

He remembered how he hugged Taehyung's body, the younger man's hands were so cold and his lips started turning blue when he took the boy to the nearest hospital. Seokjin was still angry every time he recalled this event, he was so upset because Taehyung refused to get inside first; not because the younger man was too poor to simply buy a portion of pasta but because he didn't want Seokjin to panic when he doesn't find Taehyung there!

Taehyung ended up in the hospital for days because of that, so the second picture was the younger man with his boxy smile and his iconic 'V' sign on the hospital's bed, the younger man wore a white robe for a patient. It was funny to remember the time when Taehyung kept complaining about how tasteless the hospital's food was.

He continued to the next page of the album, somehow he stopped crying at a certain point as the happy memories flooded in the cold bedroom. Seokjin giggled, letting out an 'Ah, I remember this one!'

For a while, he seemed to forget about his problems. Another picture, this one had five boys other than Taehyung and Seokjin. Right, if he never met Taehyung; maybe he would never meet the boys too. The thing he regretted increased.

Seokjin should never meet them and made everything more painful.

The one with a deadpan expression almost all the time, his name is Min Yoongi. The grumpy meow meow but also the sweetest person Seokjin ever knew. Yoongichi never shows his kindness with words, his action speaks louder than any words he could process.

Next, the sunshine-like man, Jung Hoseok; Seokjin called him Hobi, the older man never knew someone could be as bright as the sun before he met him. Hobi could turn the gloomiest room into the happiest room, but he also could be a little strict when we needed him to be one.

Park Jimin, the smallest but also the scariest among them. Jimin was so gentle and so innocent, the best person he ever knew. Jiminie always worried about other people, he always put other people first before himself.

Kim Namjoon, a brilliant young man but also the clumsiest person in the group. His hands could destroy everything he touches; Yoongi ended up fixing it for him though. No one could give advice as good as Joonie.

The last one but never the least, his precious giant bunny named Jeon Jungkook. The boy who could throw his hyung when he feels like it like his hyung is nothing but a feather. Kookie was like his little brother, he took care of him like one. The sensitive boy everyone loved.

Seokjin put down the album after that picture, a bunch of unsettled feeling made his chest felt tight. He took a plushie from the blue box, there were so many important things inside the box. There were too many to the point the black haired male couldn't explain it one by one.

He looked down to a doll with a stupid face, Taehyung got it for him when they went to an amusement park. They spent so much money for a doll with a heart-shaped head, Seokjin embraced it like there's no tomorrow for him.

He bit his lips harder this time to muffle down his cries, he tasted blood but he was too scared to wake up the younger man who slept soundly on the bed beside him. Seokjin looked to his side, he watched how the other man's chest rose slowly. There was so much fondness inside Seokjin's eyes, even when his eyes were swollen red.

He noticed the eye-bags under Taehyung's eyes, the younger man's black-haired was a mess. Taehyung deserved to rest, a nice proper nap.

Seokjin decided to leave the bedroom, he would wake Taehyung up with his ugly sobs if he stays inside. He left the box beside the bed, unbothered to put it back to its original place.

He took the plushie, opening the light green curtains that preventing any sunshine to get into their bedroom. He opened the slid door slowly, he squinted his eyes when the sunshine suddenly illuminated his figure. He closed the glass door, walking out to the balcony; the morning air was so fresh.

Taehyung was still dead to the world and he wanted to keep it that way for as long as possible. He slumped down to the floor, hugging the plushie against his chest as he let out a shaky breath when he touched the cold balcony's floor.

Tears wiped as he leaned back to the glass door, the door was cold against his body. He looked up to the clear blue sky, he closed his eyes and listened to the birds. The cheerful chirping sound made his heart a little better, creating a familiar melody for Seokjin.

A scene where Taehyung tried to speak with a wild bird flashed before his eyes, he grinned. Taehyung's unique personality would forever be a mystery for him, Seokjin always loved it when the other man acted so childish despite his age.

Seokjin loved him, he loved Taehyung so much.

He regretted it.

The guilt trip was back, eating him alive. He put the doll aside and pulled his knees closer to his chest, hugging it and trying to vanish from this beautiful world. Please tell him if you know a way to erase yourself from this world.

Curled into a ball, the long sleeve of his oversized hoodie made him looked smaller. The guilty and sorrow engulfed him, the ripped jeans that too big for his thin waist completed his looks for today.

His eyes were hurting, like an overflowing sink; he cried again, louder this time. He shook his head, he became a little dizzy after that but he didn't care. He wiped his tears messily, the skin might be bruised but he already bruised so adding another one wasn't that bad right?

He trembled, his broad shoulders shook and his lung burned with the dryness. He leaned back a little, banging his head lightly to the glass door as he gasped for more air; broken hiccups filled the balcony. The cheerful melodies from the bird faded into thin air, nothing but his sobs and the rustle of the leaf could be heard.

The glass door behind him slid slowly, a man with messy mullet hair and a really tired face showed up. He didn't talk or call his name, he just settled down beside Seokjin and pulled him into his arms, letting the older man sat on his laps.

Taehyung kissed him first, kissing his hair gently. The younger man caressed his back, Taehyung did it as gently as possible, as if Seokjin was a fragile glass that could break anytime, and he was so scared of hurting the older man.

Seokjin let out a shaky breath when Taehyung drew a circle on his back, Taehyung hoped his action could calm his husband down. The older man leaned closer to him, Seokjin's body was so skinny and he weight like nothing. Taehyung felt his heart crumbled into pieces as the older man kept crying and sobbing against his chest.

Taehyung wanted to cry too, but he couldn't. He was Seokjin's anchor right now, he held Seokjin's close to him; like he was so afraid of losing him. Taehyung passed his breaking point months ago, he rarely got enough sleep; he was too worried to even close his eyes.

What if something happens when he closes his eyes?

The eye-bags under his eyes were the proof, his tired face and his exhausted condition were another proofs. He caressed Seokjin's wet cheeks, tilting the older man's chin up so they ended up face to face. Ha gazed at the doe eyes; the beautiful eyes he loved the most, then to his the sunken cheeks. He loved the older man more than anything in this world.

Taehyung eyes stared into his eyes, then travelled down to his blushing cheeks. Went down and finally, to Seokjin's thick but chapped lips. The younger man tried to not to kiss them, before giving in fully.

Seokjin was his world.

Just like, Taehyung was Seokjin's world.

The older man held his breath, no matter how many times they shared a kiss. He would forever be the nervous one when Taehyung ran his thumb over his lips; Seokjin's heart was so ready to burst out when Taehyung leaned closer and brush his lips Seokjin's plump lips.

Seokjin sighed into the kiss, both of them pressed their forehead while kissing. Drowning to each other's comforting scent. Seokjin opened his eyes and saw Taehyung was frowning, furrowing his eyebrows together even when he was kissing Seokjin passionately.

A hint of depression, he could saw it clearly from the younger man's handsome face. The regret was back and it was stabbing his chest non-stop, hurting his ribcages and left a permanent wound nobody could heal. He caused this sadness, he was the reason behind all of this pain.

Seokjin pulled back from the heated make-out session, he was gasping for air when Taehyung chased after him; the younger man's face was like saying 'no, it's not enough' but Seokjin covered his mouth and whispered, "no- Tae," he spoke normally but his voice was hoarse, "we shouldn't-" his breath hitched.

Taehyung entwined their hands, his fingers caressed Seokjin's knuckles. Face full of pain as he replied with his husky voice, "kiss me, hyung," he licked his lips, "please, please Seokjin-ah," the older man couldn't help but to give what Taehyung wanted.

Taehyung grabbed his upper arm, caging him with his other hand. He caught Seokjin once again in a deep kiss, the older man surrendered willingly as they moaned together and held each other close. If Taehyung didn't cage him, Seokjin might fly away and leave him alone.

Seokjin slid his fingers into Taehyung's hair slowly while the younger man's hand wrapped around his waist, holding him tightly. Their movement screamed possessiveness, frustration, and sorrow.

Taehyung frowned, his jaw flexed, his hand tightened when Seokjin tried to pull away for a second. Tongue explored the hot cavern and drank the delicious moans and whimpers from his beloved. They pulled away for several seconds, the lacking of air made their chest rising and falling at a fast pace.

Taehyung gazed at Seokjin, his husband who was being unable to open his eyes for a few moments afterwards, still enjoying the lingering taste of Taehyung's lips. His husband looked so pretty and flawless, the younger man's heart sank.

One small kiss, pulling away for a while and then back devouring each other again. The other male responded as eager as the other one. Everyone would be jealous if they see Seokjin and Taehyung like this, they were the perfect couple people talked about.

Seokjin hated this, he wanted to start everything again from the beginning.

Taehyung's scarf, a present wrapped very poorly, a sloppy kiss under a tree.

Fireworks, burned toast, strawberry shortcakes.

Pictures, Polaroid, the albums.

Would that be enough?

A nice home, a warm blanket, a soft plushie-doll.

Night parties, a stupid dad-joke, boxy grin and windshield wiper-laugh.

Night cuddles, warm blanket, pinky promises.

'Please, don't go where I can't follow'

The words kept ringing inside Seokjin's ear after he heard it, he needed someone to give him an ability to turn back time and make it easier for everyone. He couldn't change his own destiny but he wanted to change other's destiny, to simply make it less painful.

He wanted everyone to be happy at the end.

Seokjin pushed Taehyung away abruptly when the pain shot through his ribs, the same pain that haunted him for months. He tried to get up but he slumped down to the floor as fast as he tried to stand up. His knees hit the floor harshly, he was coughing and coughing.

His body shook from head to toes, he couldn't breathe and eyes blurred. Tears on the corner of his eyes, one hand clutching his own hoodie and Seokjin faintly heard Taehyung shouted his name but it sounded so far away; he was afraid.

You had no idea how he tried to stay positive when he heard the doctor's report, he could still smile when he listened to the doctor's explanation about what happened to his body. He ate his medicine, it started to change together with the one tablet that changed into two pills, and two pills became three injections.

One visit changed to three, a normal check-up room turned into an emergency room. A sore throat changed into coughing blood. Dizzy head at the first week and now he could faint anytime, anywhere; it always happened when the pain took over his body and he had enough.

He couldn't blame anyone but himself, the doctors tried their best. His friend came every weekend between their busy schedules. His husband stayed beside him even when he needed to take care of his growing companies.

Seokjin stopped working as a chef when he collapsed in the kitchen several months ago, the whole restaurant panicked when their head-chef fainted with blood streaming down from his nose and hands covered with blood.

He woke up with a lot of injections and he would never forget Taehyung's pained expression from that day. How the younger man hands shook, how Taehyung embraced him so tightly, to the point he thought Taehyung planned to crush his bones.

He understood, that Taehyung was scared; more afraid than himself who slowly but surely accepted his condition.

He regretted it.

He should never meet Taehyung, he should never let Taehyung loved him so deeply.

Seokjin eyed the warm crimson blood on his palm with ragged breath, the blood dripped from the tips of his crooked fingers to the balcony's floor and made a mess. Taehyung lifted him and carried him to the bathroom in record time, he put Seokjin on the chair they left in the bathroom.

Seokjin's head spun like a carousel, his vision blurred but he could saw Taehyung's figure, he could heat the sobbing sound from his husband as clear as the day.

How many time did he make Taehyung cried already?

How many times did he break his promises and the holy vow from their wedding day; to never make Taehyung cries?

He wanted to erase himself from Taehyung's life, to replace himself with someone better. Someone healthy that could accompany the younger man until their hair turn grey, until their skin wrinkle.

Seokjin regretted it, the moment he said yes. The moment when Taehyung slipped the golden ring to his finger or when they shared a kiss to seal their vows; he regretted everything, the time he spent with his beloved husband.

Just if he never be Taehyung's beloved, just if they never are a couple to begin with.

They loved each other, Taehyung loved him more than anything and Seokjin wished him to just stop.

Because just if the younger man never loves him, Taehyung won't be suffering when Seokjin dies later.

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