Chapter 12

I had planned to wake up early on Saturday and head over to Matt’s house. I spent tossing and turning in my bed all night. I kept thinking about the next day and about seeing Silvia.

The little sleep I had during the night, caught up to me the next day. I woke up past midday on Saturday.

Since it was already late, I took my time getting ready. I lost count on how many times I changed my clothes. I mainly did it to delay my departure to Matt’s house.

I remembered how I used to dress up so much for Matt. I always felt like I had to do double the effort with him and because of who he was. I wasn’t perfect, but I tried so hard to be good enough for him. All this time, and he’d been the one with the fault.

My parents were lounging around the living when I went downstairs. They looked happy, and I was surprise they hadn’t woken me up early to take advantage of the day.

“Hey, you’re up,” my dad said.

He got up from the couch and walked over to give me a side hug.

“I was tired,” I told him, trying my best to smile.

“You okay Anna? You’re looking a little sick,” my mom commented.

She came to stand in front of me, putting the back of her hand against my forehead.

“I’m going to see Silvia.”

The look in their face was one I’d been expecting.

“Are you going right now?” My dad asked, looking at his watch.

“You don’t have to go,” my mom said as the same time.

“I need to speak with Silvia. But, I don’t think I’ll be long.”

“I’ll take you,” my dad quickly offered.

“No, it’s alright. I want to walk there,” I said, giving both of them a smile.

I didn’t have it in me, and I felt that they were able to see through my fake smile.

Matt didn’t live far from me. It was a fifteen minute walk that in a good pace could be shortened up. I however, dragged the walk the most that I could.

I had Matt’s journal in my hands. I didn’t know why I had brought it. Maybe to show Silvia that I had proof- that Matt himself had told me about everything the moment he wrote it down in his journal.

I rang the bell to Matt’s house, something which I wasn’t used to doing. I was close enough to them to be able to walk in without knocking. After everything that had happened, it just didn’t feel right.

“Annabel?” Silvia whispered my name.

She looked shocked to see me. Once that died down, she let out a choked sob, before throwing her arms around me.

“You came back, oh Annabel,” she said.

Right after that, she broke down crying.

We were standing in the doorway. Every time I attempted to speak, Silvia’s cries would stop me. By the time she calmed down, I had just enough time to drag us to the living room.

Once we sat down, she broke down again. I tuned out most of it. The numbness I had been feeling all those months before had come back full force.

This was what my life had been after Matt died.

“We’re leaving,” Silvia told me.

I’d been at her house for almost half an hour, and it was the first coherent thing she had said.

“My mom told me,” I replied, not recognizing my own voice when I spoke.

“This place, my Matty, I just can’t deal with it anymore,” she said.

In that moment, I realized that I couldn’t exactly judge her for leaving. Heck, I had left too. Leaving had led me to Aaron.

Maybe I hadn’t moved on yet, but I felt a lot better after I left.

I just didn’t know if it would do the same thing for Silvia. I didn’t have Matt anymore, but she still had a piece of him somewhere here. Why would she want to run away from that?

I wanted to think that I loved Matt more than anything. At that moment, when we were together, I probably did.

The more time I spent with Aaron though- the more my perspective changed on what love really was.

What Matt had kept from me may have broken us apart. I had told Jeremy that it wouldn’t have kept me away from Matt, but I didn’t really know that. I had changed so much in the last eight months.

Matt’s secret- it would’ve made me change too.

The next hour was mainly a blur. I remembered Silvia telling me about her plans in Florida. She gave me her new number and her new address, encouraging me to visit her whenever I felt like it.

The thing was- I didn’t understand why she was so set on leaving. She didn’t have Matt, but she had someone. It would’ve been enough for me. If Matt’s lies didn’t weigh so heavy on my shoulders, I would’ve done anything to keep him alive somehow.

Before I knew it, I was saying goodbye to Silvia. The journal was tucked under my arm, as I walked away from Matt’s house.

I hadn’t told her.

Whenever I gave myself the courage to bring it up, Silvia’s saddened eyes stopped me. I didn’t need to do this to her. She was hurting enough as it was. I couldn’t bring myself to give her another burden.

That was how I found myself standing outside of Jeremy’s house.

I stood there for a minute, simply staring at the two story house and thinking how this was where it all happened.

“Annabel,” Jeremy’s voice came from behind me.

He was shutting the door to his car, which I hadn’t even heard arrive.

I didn’t say anything. On their own accord, tears began spilling from my eyes. In a second, Jeremy had his arms around me, as he tried to soothe me.

“Shh…” he kept cooing, saying other words which my jumbled up mind wasn’t processing.

“I saw Silvia,” I told him once we were in his room.

Jeremy looked at me worriedly. I couldn’t manage anything but a blank stare.

“Did you, uh, clear things up?” He asked.

I could hear the uncomfortable tone in his voice. It was strange when a blush started creeping from his neck up to his cheeks.

I shook my head in reply, and some of my hair fell over my face.

Jeremy used that distraction to come closer to me and tuck my hair behind my ear.

“What happened?”

“I couldn’t do it. She’s leaving and she’s the same or maybe even worse that when I left for college,” I said, dropping my gaze to my lap.

“I don’t understand why she hasn’t done anything about it. Why she hasn’t reached out to Sam?” Jeremy asked, looking bothered by it.

I felt something in my chest constrict at his words.

“I’m sorry,” Jeremy apologized as soon as he caught sight of me.

“It’s fine.”

I stopped his hand before it touched my shoulder.

“I was wondering the same thing. Silvia doesn’t have to be alone, not completely anyways.”

I shrugged my shoulders in a pathetic attempt to look nonchalant. Jeremy gave me a pitying look, which only made me feel worse.

“I can tell you anything you want to know,” Jeremy quietly said.

A heavy silence settled in his room after he said that. I was curious. I didn’t know why. I knew Jeremy’s words would only hurt me, but I still wanted to know. It felt like it was the only way I could move on. I didn’t want to feel like I was betraying Matt by falling in love with someone else.

“I have this,” I said, putting the journal in my lap.

“What’s that?” He asked, looking at it strangely.

“It’s Matt’s journal,” I told him.

Calling it a journal was a long stretch, but it had so many things about Matt. He wrote notes there, reminders, plans, and sometimes he wrote what he was thinking or what was bothering him. It was more like a book of secrets, and one that was separating us even more than his death had.

It was all in the last ten pages.

I couldn’t explain Jeremy’s expression after he finished reading them. He already knew, but I still noticed understanding cross through his features.

“Do you remember the day Matt met you?” Jeremy asked me.

I nodded, thinking back to that day. It was a day I always kept present in my mind. I had thought I’d met the love of my life- of course I remembered it.

“Matt skipped school that day. You could say that all the problems started there. Then when you became Matt’s girlfriend, things just got worse.”

I swallowed loudly, not knowing what to ask.

“What do you mean?”

“Matt and Sam, they never dated. Now that I think of it, it was even my fault they even ended up together that night.”

“What night?” I asked, feeling confused by his words.

“Right after the homecoming game sophomore year, I threw a party. We all came over. Matt and I had been accepted into the varsity team and we were pretty much thinking we were these hot shots. Sam, the girl, had a thing for Matt since she moved to our school in like sixth or seventh grade.”

My eyes narrowed at his words.

“Honestly, none of us remembered much of that night. All I know is that somehow I woke up in the front lawn. Mostly everyone had gone home but Matt-” he said, not finishing his sentence.

I waited patiently for him to continue, knowing that even if I tried, I wasn’t sure I could speak.

“Matt was in my bed with a very naked Sam. And well, you know the rest,” Jeremy said, looking down.

“That’s it?” Instead of feeling betrayed or angry by his explanation, I felt let down.

He must’ve seen the disappointment in my face, because after I asked that, he shook his head.

“Sam was a year older than us. It was easier for Matt to hide her from you. That didn’t mean she didn’t stalk Matt anytime she could- because she did. I can see it, you know. You’re still going to judge Matt for getting Sam pregnant, and you shouldn’t. Because after Matt slept with her and got her pregnant, Sam made sure to remind Matt about it every single time she got the opportunity. It got to the point where she started threatening Matt with you.”

“What?” I shrieked as I got up from Jeremy’s desk chair.

“Sam thought that having Liza would make Matt stay. It didn’t. That day that Matt met you, he’d cut class. I’m not sure if you ever wondered about that. He was about to tell her that he’d given up and he was going to marry her or something. I’m not really sure. You should’ve seen him Annabel. He was a mess,” Jeremy said.

A dark look took over his eyes, and I felt bad for even thinking bad thoughts about Matt.

“Sam was ruining his life, appearing everywhere, making scenes, making him cut class. The list went on and on,” Jeremy said.

“Well Matt got her pregnant. He needed to be there.” I noticed how weak my comment sounded though. I didn’t really know what to say.

“No, she got pregnant because they were both careless. It was as much her fault as it was his. Although Sam never saw it that way,” Jeremy sneered.

He turned away from me and walked to the other side of the room. After running his hand through his hair a few times, he turned to face me.

“He always looked fine though. I would’ve never guessed this was going on.”

Part of me felt stupid for that. How could I not have noticed? Or maybe Matt was such a bad father that he just never cared about Liza. Jeremy snapped me out of my thoughts before they took me into a haze.

“Matt changed. Things changed, they changed so much.” This time, Jeremy was smiling as he said that.

“How?” I asked, frowning, not knowing how anything could possibly change.

“Because Matt met you.”

Neither of us said anything for a while. The silence was nice this time. Tears were streaming down my cheeks, but not the way they had been before.

Jeremy was at my side again, holding my hand and wiping my tears. He didn’t speak. I was glad for that. I just needed to think.

I didn’t know how much time had passed when I finally spoke.

“How old is she, the girl?” I asked.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know, but it was the only thing that came to my mind at the moment.

“She’s a little over three years old,” Matt said.

“Is she okay? Is that girl, you know, a good mom?”

I didn’t want to be involved, I really didn’t. From the moment I found out about everything, I had wanted to forget it.

Now here I was asking about Matt’s child.

“Sam’s with her mom. Matt told me she was a good person and she takes care of Liza most of the time because Sam’s,” Jeremy didn’t have to say anything else.

I was already imagining what type of person Sam was.

“Why doesn’t Silvia talk to them? She knows about this, right? She has to know. I don’t think Matt could have kept this from them.” I sounded desperate as I looked at Jeremy for answers.

“Oh Silvia knows. She’s met Liza, but she was never okay with what happened. I just don’t know why Silvia hasn’t tried to find them. It would be so much easier. Silvia leans on you so much, but she has to let you go. Silvia could be there for Liza. God knows that with that awful mother, the little girl’s going to need it.”

I ended up lying down in Jeremy’s bed. While I was there, Jeremy sat next to me. I didn’t ask him anymore questions, and I didn’t need to.

On his own, Jeremy filled in any missing pieces.

We talked- for a long time. At one point, he went down stairs to prepare some snacks. I didn’t think I could eat anything, but Jeremy was hungry and I didn’t want to stop him from eating.

I wanted to go home, yet I wasn’t sure what kept me in Jeremy’s house, listening to him talk about high school and days when Matt was still alive.

“I wish he was still here,” Jeremy said.

It was already dark outside and we were now both lying down in his bed. I felt exhausted, probably from all the crying. My body was drained and even talking felt like too much work.

“It would’ve been a special night for you two, that night,” Jeremy awkwardly said.

I chuckled, although I wasn’t sure why.

“Matt was going to propose,” Jeremy blurted out.

I sat up from the bed quicker than I thought was possible, and stared at Jeremy with wide eyes and my mouth hanging open.

“Annie, I really don’t want you to think badly of him. He loved you so much. He did a lot to keep you out of all that shit. He was my best friend,” Jeremy said.

This time it was him who put his arm over his eyes, covering me from seeing if he was shedding tears.

“Did you make that up?” I asked, trying to move his arm away.

Jeremy shook his head, but he didn’t say anything.

I always assumed that Matt and I would end up married. I just didn’t think he wanted to make sure I didn’t leave him before telling me about that girl or about Liza.

“This is so messed up, isn’t it?”

Jeremy laughed, but there was no humor behind his words.

“A little, yeah,” I said, and allowed myself to chuckle at the twisted situation.

“I’m really happy to see you. And I’m happy you’re out of that comatose state you were in.”

When he pulled his arm away from his eyes, I noticed that he hadn’t cried, but his eyes still looked teary.

In that moment, he looked vulnerable. It was strange because his features were always so tough and intimidating. 

“How are you doing Jeremy? We’ve been talking all day and I never asked you that,” I said, feeling guilty that I’d made him talk about Matt all afternoon and night.

We talked for a while longer, until I realized that I really had to get going.

I didn’t have my phone, and I hadn’t called my parents all day. I was leaving with Aaron tomorrow and I didn’t even spend today with them.

By the time Jeremy drove me home, it was almost 11 at night.

“I don’t even know where time went,” I groaned as we approached my house.

“You were with me, I can see why time flew by,” Jeremy said, grinning at me.

I laughed, enjoying a glimpse of this Jeremy, who I hadn’t seen since before the accident.

“Can I ask you something?” Jeremy sounded unsure as he said that.

“Sure.”

“I want to keep in touch. I don’t want you to be like you were all this time. I don’t know if you’re mad at Matt or not. I hope you’re not. But we were still friends, and I don’t want that to change.”

He’d already given me his number, email, and address while he was at college. I assumed that his comment meant he didn’t really trust me to reach out to him. Just before getting out of his car, I wrote down my new email and number.

Jeremy took this time to go around the car and open my door.

“You’ll be here all week? I really want to see you again,” Jeremy said as soon as I stepped out of the car.

“I’m leaving tomorrow.”

I sighed, now feeling like going to the beach was probably a bad idea. Would I even enjoy it after everything Jeremy had told me?

“Can I see you tomorrow then?” Jeremy asked.

I smiled at him and nodded. He grinned at me, while flicking my nose. I wanted to pretend to be mad, but I could only giggle at the funny face he made.

“You’re so dumb,” I said, slapping his shoulder.

“Yeah well, you’re a nerd,” he said, before I was caught up in his embrace. He was so much taller than me, that his arms easily wrapped around my back and raised me a few inches from the ground.

I could only laugh, while Jeremy held me tightly in his arms.

“Annabel.”

Hearing his voice say my name- it made a shiver run through my body. With the rough day I was having, I thought I had imagined it.

Only until Jeremy put me in the ground, still keeping his arms wrapped around me, did I notice him.

Aaron was standing about ten feet away from us, and my parents were right behind him. They were looking at Jeremy and me with disapproval. That however, wasn’t what was making me nervous or my heart speed up.

Aaron was staring at me with his forehead creased, and a hurt look coating his expressions.

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