I finally stopped crying and looked at Xander.

He understood what it was like to lose a first love, I lost mine to suicide while he lost his to drugs. I kept looking at the things Mario's brothers gave to me, it was just a box of some of his stuff, some old t- shirts, some sweatpants, a pair of his white Calvin Klein boxers that I wrote my name all over, our pictures, his blanket, and a note... his suicide note.

Alex i know you probably mad at me and shit for leaving earth but i couldnt handle the thought that the girl i loved and will continue to love didnt love me anymore. the night you gave me your virginity and i gave you mine i felt something, i know you felt it too because of the look you gave me, it was like we were in love with each other all over again... except my love was stronger. it was like i was in love with you while you just loved me because you felt like you had to. i hope you can forgive me. 

your first everything
Mario 

"Xander."

"Yes?"

"I fucked up so bad, I made him kill himself."

"What you mean?"

"I called him your name after he took my virginity, I'm so stupid," I told him crying.

"Why would you do that?"

I started crying harder, "I think I'm starting to love you. And now he's gone."

Xander stared at me.

-
Heading back to New York...

"Look, we're almost out of Texas, once we're in another state I ain't turning around cause you changed your mind and wanted to go home."

"I only said that cause you were ignoring me."

"Mhm..."

I looked back at Baby Alex who was sleep then I leaned my chair back and fell asleep.

-

When I woke up it was like 2:00 in the morning, meaning I slept for almost 18 whole hours.

"Wake up Alex, we're here."

"I'm awake."

It was the 23rd, I fucking hated Tuesdays and Mario's death didn't help me at all. I hated that.

I took Baby Alex in the house and put her in her crib then I laid down on the bed.

I stared at the ceiling thinking about what would have happened if I didn't leave Texas, or if I had just stayed in New York. He would probably be alive. It was all my fucking fault. 

He didn't have to kill himself though. It is never that deep. It wasn't like he ain't have hoes. He had plenty. Sucking all over him and shit.

By the time I was finished with the what-ifs it was 6:00. Thinking about him wasn't even worth 4 whole hours.

I had an hour to get me and Baby Alex ready for my 10- hour shift, today was the day Xander will be leaving, he'll be gone for a whole week. 

Was I looking forward to it? Yes. He's been feeling sorry for me and I didn't need any damn sympathy. 

After showering, bathing her, and moisturizing both of us I got dressed and dressed her.

I wore all black, black t-shirt, black ripped jeans, white and black checkered vans, and Baby Alex had on a cotton candy-colored romper.

I grabbed a smoothie and fed her some mashed up fruit while she had her milk in her hand.

"Y'all leaving out already?"

"Yeah, my shift starts at 7."

"Ight, I'm leaving around 10 so I won't be here when you get back."

"I kinda figured."

He started kissing on Baby Alex's face, he was so attached to her, I don't know how he would cope with her being away from him for a whole week.

I grabbed my red purse and threw everything I needed for today in it, I threw some extra diapers and some of her snack and my iPad in there.

I went into the room grabbed the baby carrier and her car seat then went to put it in the car, I went ahead and started it to get the car to get it to a comfortable temperature cause it was cold as fuck.

He came down with her and strapped her in, of course, double-checking to make sure it was secure.

"I'll see you in 7 days baby doll." He cooed. 

She smiled at him as he continued talking to her, it was as if she understood what everything he was saying.

I went and got in the front seat, he came to my side before I could close the door. 

"Damn I can't get a goodbye?"

"Goodbye."

He rolled his eyes and nodded. 

"What's wrong with you? Matter of fact, tell me when you get back from your trip cause you not about to constantly treat me like I done fucked your life up. If anything I already gave you my options."

"You always talking about leaving and shit, if you wanna leave go ahead I'm not about to force you to be here. If you wanna leave me and Baby Alex here in New York by ourselves go ahead."

I started laughing because he was a big baby and he knew when it came to Baby Alex I wasn't going anywhere, I loved her, I loved dressing her up, doing her hair, playing with her all of that. Even when the lease is up I'm going to come and get her before I go to work and shit. 

"I ain't going nowhere, boy. I need to go to work though. Bills don't pay themselves."

"I already told you I was going to pay them by myself."

"And I told you I wasn't going to let you do that. Now bye, before you make me mad."

"Woo, I'm so scared." He said jumping back being sarcastic as fuck."

"Bye."

"Aye let me get a kiss or something."

"Boooooooy!"

"I'm dead ass I ain't gon' see you for a week. The least you can do is give me a kiss."

"Nah, I'm good. I don't kiss crips."

"It's like that now?"

"Mhm. I need to go to work!"

"You ain't going nowhere until I get a kiss so either you give me one and be there on time or we sit here all day."

"Nope, I'll just run you over. Don't try me cause I will."

He thought about it for a couple of seconds then leaned his head in the window and kissed me. shit, I wasn't about to pass up a perfectly good kiss... nope, can't let those go to waste.

When we broke he walked off as if nothing happened and I drove to work.