LOGAN

Amanda and I went hot and heavy for a couple of weeks. I didn't fight it; it helped keep my mind off Maisy, who now seemed to be attached at the hip to Justin. Everywhere she was, he was right there next to her. It was nauseating, and what was worse was Maisy was now more unattainable than ever.

I lost my virginity to Amanda two weeks into our relationship in the backseat of her car. I couldn't help but wonder how many guys had lay in this exact same position before me. It was far from romantic, but part of me was glad to be getting it over with, and Amanda certainly knew what she was doing. Our "relationship" lasted for about a month. Like a match, it burned hot and fast, but died out just as quickly.

But hooking up with Amanda Fisher had given me some sort of place of reverence among the males in my class. I wasn't one to kiss and tell, but word was out and Will and I found more and more guys hanging around with us as we slowly moved up the unspoken ladder of social hierarchy in high school. That spring Will tried out for the track team, and the next fall I made the basketball team. By junior year things were looking up again.

Unfortunately, now there was no chance in hell that I was getting a shot with Maisy Jacobs. Justin was a senior that year and my team captain. The two of them were like goddamn royalty at school. My crush was stolen from me, but that didn't stop me from still watching her sometimes, and wondering what was going on in her head, or what she was always scribbling down in that notebook of hers. But I never got the chance to find out.

Even though I'd risen in the ranks at school and we'd attend the same parties, I still never spoke to Maisy. She cheered for me when I was on the court along with the rest of the team, but we'd never had an actual conversation. However, we had moved up to smiling and nodding, acknowledging each other when we passed each other in the halls; so that was something I guess.

I hooked up with a few girls that spring, nothing serious though. Even though I wish it didn't, my crush on Maisy still existed and was holding me back. So when Kimmy Jackson asked Will on double date with her and Laura Spencer at the start of summer, it took a little convincing before I finally agreed to go with him.

Laura was a year younger than us. She was sweet and pretty, and had lots of friends at school. She was everything someone like me should want, and I found it easy being around her. The date went great and before I knew it the four of us were going on another. By the time school started Laura and I were officially a couple and most of the time I was happy.

There were those rare moments though when Maisy crept back into my life. Like the time Laura asked me if we could pick up her friends for this party we were going to. I didn't think anything of it, and of course told her it wasn't a problem. I picked her up and drove as she gave me directions to the fancier side of town.

"It's that house. The one on the left!" Laura stuck her arm in front of my face, pointing out my window and blocking my view of the road. As I pulled up to the immaculate white house with a white fence, and wrap around porch, I noticed Laura let out a sigh of longing.

"I can't believe this house. She's so lucky."

Before I could ask who, Laura reached over me and laid on the horn, shattering the silence around us. I frowned, not thinking it very polite to use the horn in a neighborhood like this, but Laura was still gazing up at the house and didn't notice me.

In my peripheral vision I saw the front door fly open and it drew my eyes up. I stared out the window, my jaw dropping as I watched Maisy Jacobs step outside.

I was stunned there for a moment by her beauty. She was wearing a grey wool beanie pulled down low over her forehead and the ends of her dark brown hair wildly flew around her as she closed the door behind her and turned back around. She pulled her grey coat tighter and glanced up at the sky before rushing down the stairs and heading straight for my car.

"Hi guys," she smiled, as she opened the door and climbed in, filling the car with a flowery smell that I would later learn were lilacs. "Thanks so much for picking me up."

"It's not a problem," Laura gushed, turning her body towards Maisy in the backseat. "When Tanya said you needed a ride..."

That was it. I knew Laura and Maisy weren't friends, but they both hung out with Tanya Richardson, whose house Laura instructed me we were going to next. She was the connection.

My palms started to sweat and the car started to feel overly warm. After all my daydreaming about Maisy Jacobs being in my car, I never imagined it like this. I tried to concentrate on the road, but I kept seeing her in the review mirror and found myself getting distracted.

"So how's Justin?" Laura asked, turning back up front and fiddling with the heater again.

My hands tightened around the steering wheel; I wasn't sure I wanted to hear this. But when Maisy didn't answer straight away, I glanced up at her through the rear view mirror once again. Her eyebrows were bunched together, forming a perfect little v, and a flicker of sadness washed over her face, but then she shook her head and forced a smile.

"He's great. I just got off the phone with him. He loves Berkley."

I watched her through the mirror as she nodded her head and continued to rattle on about how Justin was doing. She sounded sincere but her words were off, like she was reading them from a script. Something was wrong; for some reason I could tell.

But I didn't ask. It wasn't my place to.

"That's so cool!" Laura responded, not really listening. "Babe, it's that one up there." She pointed to an apartment complex up ahead and I pulled into the parking lot.

Laura put her purse on the floor. "I'll be right back babe. I'm just going to go up and get her."

As she reached for the door, a part of me panicked, and I almost stopped her. I didn't want to be left alone with Maisy. I was doing so well at forgetting her. Being stuck alone with her in a car wasn't going to help.

But before I had a chance to say anything, Laura slammed the door shut and was bouncing up the steps. My eyes flicked up to the rear view mirror again and I met Maisy's eyes. Half of her mouth rose in a hesitant smile.

"I guess it's just us then." I said, trying to fill the awkward silence yet unfortunately picking something just as awkward to say. She laughed uncomfortably and I felt like the world's biggest jackass.

"I'm Logan by the way." I turned around and looked at her over my shoulder, taking in her wavy, chocolate brown hair and dark green eyes. "We've never actually been introduced."

"I know who you are. You're on the basketball team." Her smile tugged and this time it actually felt genuine. Then a pink blush colored her cheeks as she pulled her eyes away from mine. "I mean, I've cheered at your games."

She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and  shifted her body in the back seat. I could've kicked myself right then. Here I was alone in my car with Maisy Jacobs, something I'd normally only be able to dream of, and we didn't have a thing to say to each other.

But then she surprised me.

"Are you and Laura in love Logan?"

"W-what?"

Her eyes returned to mine and I saw the spark in them. "Are you in love with Laura?" She waited for my answer but I couldn't figure out why she cared.

"No," I shook my head, answering honestly. "I don't love her."

Maisy let out a small triumphant snort and slouched back into the seat with her arms folded across her chest. "Figures," she grumbled.

And I don't know why, but I felt offended, like by answering this very personal question she just asked me, honestly for that matter, somehow gave her permission judge me. "Hey!" I snapped.

Her eyes flashed up to mine with a veiled look of contempt. I turned more of my body back to face her. She looked small sitting there in the back seat. Her eyes were folded across her chest defensively and I could see her stubbornness in the tense way she held her body.

"I've only been dating Laura for like three months. That's a little early to tell if you're in love with someone, don't you think?" I let out an incredulous snort. "And it's not like I've lied to her; I haven't told her that I loved her and not meant it. Saying that you're in love with someone is a big fucking deal, don't you think? It's not something you play around with. So I'm not sure why you're asking, but don't get all pissed off if you don't like my answer."

I caught her gaze again and this time I didn't let go. Her question was bullshit, and I was intent on holding her accountable for it. She hadn't even given me a chance. She asked the question expecting me to say no, wanting a confirmation on something she'd already established in her head and using me to get it.

Her bottom lip trembled slightly and she bit down on it to keep it still. I remember trying to imagine how that lip tasted and wishing that someday I'd have the opportunity to find out for myself, but then thinking I may have just ruined any chance I ever had.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, looking down at her lap. "That was unfair of me."

I continued to stare at her, watching the top of her head as she fiddled with her hands. "Is everything alright?" I asked, sensing how much pain she was in, and innately feeling the need to fix it for her. "Did you and Justin have a fight or something?" I hated how much of me hoped to hear they did, that maybe she dumped him or something, but she let out a humorless laugh.

"It's not always about Justin." She lifted her head and ran her thumbs underneath her eyes, fixing her make-up. "I just wish everyone would realize that. Especially Justin." She mumbled that last part under her breath and I just happened to overhear it. I don't think I was supposed to.

"Sorry," I apologized, realizing that I was entering dangerous territory here. Maisy was upset about something, and I didn't know her well enough to offer any help. "I just thought-- With the question about love and all--" She cut me off.

"I don't love Justin!"

I was confused. She had been dating him forever. He was away at college and she was... waiting for him I guess? All I knew is that she never went out on dates with anyone. Everyone at school still assumed that she was Justin's girl, even though he wasn't there anymore. But the look on her face told a different story.

"I'm surprised," I admit.

"Why?"

"Because you two have been together forever." Why would she stay with him for two years if she didn't love him? But now wanted to know.

She shook her head and let out a sad laugh. "Justin's nice. He's easy to be around, and he cares about me best he can, but love?" She snorted again at the notion, and shook her head. "I don't even believe love exists."

I didn't bother to hide my surprise. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Maisy never struck me as a pessimist; she was always so cheerful and full of life. I never assumed that this side of her even existed.

But I'd always known that there was more to her; ever since that day I saw her fighting with her mother in the car and drying up her tears before anyone else could see them. I knew that the Maisy that we all saw every day was just a perception that she put out there. It wasn't the real her either, and for some reason that just intrigued me all the more.

"That's pretty cynical of you," I said, believing quite the opposite to be true. My parents may have gotten a divorce, and my mother may have cheated on my father, but I still believed in love. To me, not believing in love was like admitting that you had no faith at all. That disturbed me.

She broke out into contrived laughter and I watched her legs, swathed in tight denim, as she crossed them. "It's not cynical Logan." The sound of my name coming from her mouth distracted me for a moment and my eyes were immediately drawn to her lips. I almost missed the rest of what she said, but refocused myself just in time. "It's realistic. If you don't believe in love, you don't get hurt, because someone always gets hurt Logan. It's a guarantee."

I didn't get a chance to respond because Laura and Tanya chose that exact moment to come bounding towards the car in a fit of giggles. They threw open the car doors and interrupted the moment. The Maisy I had just been speaking with vanished in an instant, and the Maisy that we all knew was back. She greeted Tanya with a squeal and gave her a hug, and then all three girls started talking incessantly about the party and who was going to be there.

I tried catching her eye again in the mirror but she never looked my way again. Maybe it was on purpose. I certainly was convinced it was by the time we got to Ryan's house. Each time I stepped into a room where Maisy was, she would suddenly leave, drifting off into another. I felt like she was avoiding me and I couldn't understand why. She asked me a question and I answered. End of story.

At around midnight Laura told me that we didn't have to take Maisy home. She'd gotten a ride with some other people but had told Laura to thank me. I scrunched my forehead, totally baffled, as my girlfriend began to kiss me. But I wasn't thinking about her in that moment. Unfortunately I was thinking about Maisy Jacobs again.