Chapter Twenty-One

   Now sat on his lap, securely in his arms, I remained quiet (with my eyes closed), listening to the conversation going on in the front room.

   ‘...so he’s gone then?’ Ian asked; I felt the tension in his voice though he tried so hard to cover it up and he radiated with delight at Michael’s answer (somehow I could feel it through the air).

   ‘Yeh, he has,’ he replied, while running his fingers over my back but so they couldn’t see. ‘Look, if I’m honest and I know none of you guys will like this idea, I say we should leave here for a bit. Not sell it or move permanently, I mean,’ he added on hastily when Jonas started to open his mouth with a heavy frown on his face; I had now opened my eyes to look around. ‘Seriously, it would be easier on all of us in case they come knocking.’

   In all honesty, I didn’t like what Mike was saying but somewhere deep down inside was saying that what he was saying was all true. He was saying it only to protect himself, me and his closest (and possibly only) friends. I was willing to stand by him, and as long as I was with him then it wouldn’t matter what situation we got into; as long as he was by my side, holding me or telling me everything will be okay, I’d go with him.

   ‘Mike, that’s just what they’d expect us to do. Besides you’re completely going against our most primal instincts; stand and fight, don’t back down and certainly don’t run away and act like cowards just because some small dilemma has banged a niche into our comfort.’ Whatever Jonas just said really did not sink in as I was thinking things through in my head; about me, Mike, Jake and what I was going to do if ever those two got into a serious fight – I was still confused about how I felt.

   I mean, I felt so strongly about Mike, after all he did technically rescue me (even if it was from myself) and he has taught me everything that I knew right now about how to keep myself from losing my mind; but there was still something small there, somewhere I couldn’t quite place, inside me that made me want to hold Jake close when I see the trouble of his mind through his eyes; it wasn’t an overpowering feeling or urge but I could still feel it pricking at the small drawer I hid my secrets away in.

   Looking down at the carpet, with a small sigh and gently narrowed eyebrows, I pulled my hands from where they lay on Mike and wrapped them tight around my body. Unwillingly, my eyes teared up and I kept myself from sniffing as one trickled down my cheek. Conveniently, though it wasn’t intended, I had my face turned away from Mike, yet somehow he found out, and I was guessing one of the others was watching me or had noticed I was crying if they had glanced over my way. His head appeared from around my shoulder and a palm pressed softly onto my furthest cheek away from him; pulling my face around, I felt his eyes look up at me but I kept mine facing downwards onto his lap.

   ‘Tif...?’ he whispered to me, beckoning me to look at him. ‘Tif, it’s okay.’ But I couldn’t get myself to look at him, instead I leant forward and rested my forehead into his shoulder, closing my eyes and letting any more tears drain out onto his shirt. ‘Erm, guys, can we talk later please? This is a bit more urgent and now a top priority,’ he spoke slowly and carefully over to them.

   ‘We understand,’ Jonas spoke; and the soft shuffling of movement from the sofas and chairs sounded as they got up and departed from the room.

   ‘And we’ll be going up too,’ I heard him speak again, but I knew he was talking to me, especially when he scooped me up, pulled me close to his chest and meandered his way through the front room, doors and up the stairs until we were safely on his bed.

   Curling up on my side, my hands under the pillow under my head, my knees brought up so I lay in the foetal position, I waited for him to speak or pull me to his side. After about a minute, nothing happened; no shuffling on the bed, no movement about the room or him coming round to kneel in front of me; just him sitting up behind me with his back against the head rest. I hadn’t moved or looked over my shoulder to know, but pure gut instinct and awareness told me he was like that. Wiping my tears on the pillow, I shuffled so I could sit up with my legs hanging over the edge of the bed, my back to him still.

   My throat felt so dry and swollen from emotion that I knew any attempt at talking would just lead to a croaked sound. My best bet was to look at him apologetically and hope that he’d understand that I didn’t mean to be doing this to him, knowing that he felt the same way for me as I did for him made me sure that me being upset was hurting him deeply too. Although what was probably hurting him the most was the fact I either wasn’t talking, wasn’t looking at him or wasn’t even holding him as I cried or thought.

   Looking over my shoulder slowly, I saw he had his head bowed and his eyes closed so he couldn’t see me as I moved. Relaxing in the fact that he hadn’t spoken or asked me what my problem was, my throat opened up and I felt free again to talk without sounding ridiculous.

   ‘Babe... I’m sorry I’m being so helpless and useless.’ That really didn’t come out the way I was hoping, nor was it what I was hoping to say, I hadn’t really planned what I was going to say only that I needed to say something. He didn’t reply, he didn’t even move; the only movement his body was making was his chest as he breathed in and out. Maybe I should say something else, I thought. ‘Mike, are you alright?’ I asked quietly.

   His shoulders dropped and his hands flopped from on his lap to his sides. Without opening his eyes or moving his head, he replied. ‘I’m just thinking. You know, like you were before.’ I felt the heaviness of his words as they floated over to me from his lips. ‘Tif, don’t deny that you were thinking, and a lot, but what about is deceiving me. Please tell me what’s going on in your head. Yes, I’m a vampire but I can’t read minds.’ He spoke his last sentence rather quickly, as though he was running out of breath or trying to beat me to whatever I was going to say.

   Before I spoke, however, I turned myself around so I was kneeling closer to him though not so close that I touched his legs with mine, just within arm’s reach. ‘Mike, I never said that I think you can read minds,’ I began. ‘And yeh, I was thinking earlier but I didn’t want to say it out loud in front of the others. They judge differently to you.’ Dropping my own shoulders, I rolled my eyes over him slowly before resting them so I looked at his face.

   He looked up finally and turned to face me; his eyes wore a stern gaze that punched into my emotions and I rocked back on my legs a bit before closing my eyes again and covering my face with my hands.

   ‘Mike, it’s just, I’m still confused. I’m confused about what’s happened, what’s going to happen, what is happening. Everything’s just been so much lately that it’s all piled up in my mind and I haven’t been thinking through it all as it crops up. You know about me and him, and when you almost attacked him I was stuck to decide what to do.’ I knew I was ranting on. ‘Some part of me is saying I should have launched myself between you both but even if I had then you might have took it as me protecting him more than you. I was scared as well as shocked and stunned.’

   By this time, Mike had taken my wrists in his hands but he hadn’t removed mine from my face. ‘Tif, that’s just silly. Why would you think that I’d hate you for that? I dunno. Come here you.’ And he pulled me into his chest, to my surprise. ‘Even if it had been for him and not me, I wouldn’t have hated you for it, annoyed maybe but I wouldn’t have put my anger on you. I love you, and I’d hate myself even more if I ever hurt you. And you know that.’ He stopped talking and we just sat there, me in his arms while he rocked us both for a little while. I’d ceased crying or worrying, everything now off my chest and mind now I’d said it all aloud to him. Through all my talking though, I was surprised he hadn’t got even a bit angry at my wide assumptions and fears.