***

Dan sighs tiredly, ignoring the text ringtone that is constantly going off on his phone.

He sits cross legged on his bed, his phone in his hands, but he remains still, like he's a statue instead of a living human being. He doesn't reply to any of the messages.

Instead, he just watches each message appear, hating himself and his heart breaking a little more with each text that comes. He keeps reading them, even though he never intends to reply. All he does is lose people, no matter what he does, so he figures if he cuts them off first, then they won't turn and break Dan's heart.

Connor: Dan you haven't talked to me since I got back. Reply or else!!

Connor: Dan I mean it!

Connor: damn it Dan!

Connor: answer me! Has something happened????

Connor: that's it I'm calling, if you pick up then you're still alive.

'missed call from Connor'

Connor: FOR GOD'S SAKE DAN HOWELL

Connor: should you be Dead Howell now?

Connor: come on Dan I'm getting worried.

Connor: that's it I'm checking if you're actually dead now.

Connor: hey guys is Dan still alive?

Joe: yeah I saw him today.

Connor: he's not replying to me I'm worried.

Caspar: I think something happened between him and Phil.

Connor: I'll ask Phil then.

Dan panics momentarily, finally snapping out of his trance to move his body a little, unlocking his phone to a private chat with Phil, which hasn't been used in at least a month.

Dan: don't you fucking dare Phil, if our friendship meant anything to you, don't you fucking dare.

Dan watches as Phil reads it, and as the three dots appear, but then it seems like Phil doesn't know what to say because they disappear and don't pop up again, Phil's response remaining a mystery to Dan.

A few minutes later, Dan receives a yet from Connor, and his heart lurches when he goes to read it, sighing in relief when he sees the message. Phil didn't tell him about his father at least.

Connor: Dan why did you punch Phil's brother?

Dan: because I'm a complete asshole. please stop texting me.

Connor: Dan tell me!! Please I'm your friend.

Dan: just fuck off.

Dan locks his phone then before throwing it onto his bedspread, he then sinks down in the corner. He can hear his father yelling at his mum downstairs, and through the thin wall, he can hear Quinn sobbing softly in his room next door.

His brother is crying but there's no way for Dan to comfort him. His mother is fighting with his father, and there's no way for Dan to protect her from him and he just told his best friend to fuck off. And his other friend hates him, pities him and thinks he's a gigantic asshole for punching his brother.

Dan hugs his knees to his chest, squeezing his eyes shut as tears fall silently down his cheeks. Locked in his own world of hurt, Dan feels like he's finally lost everything that ever meant something to him.

And now he's completely empty of everything except pain.

***

Dan feels like shit, and it's only Tuesday morning.

He has reached the point where his phone remains switched off in his bag, only there for emergencies or talking to his family. At school, he only sits with Bethany - the only friend he hasn't cut off due to her lack of friends - and if Bethany isn't in his class, he'll sit by himself.

First period math is never fun. First period math alone is worse. But first period math alone after a night of watching your life fall apart slowly and realising that there's nothing you can do to stop it is Dan's version of living hell. Hell because it is literally hell, and living because Dan is living it right now.

And then Phil comes along to make it ten times worse.

"Is anyone sitting here?" Phil asks hopefully, nodding to the vacant desk beside Dan, where Dan hopes anyone but will sit.

His dark fringe is neat, his blue eyes innocent and his bright green jumper all screaming 'I have a great life and I'm an intact human being', which makes Dan even more annoyed with everything. Dan sighs, looking up at Phil and nodding, hoping he will just walk away.

"So yes I can sit here?" Phil asks, his smile dropping as Dan shakes his head rapidly, but he pulls out the chair and sits anyway, making Dan sigh in defeat.

"I'm sitting here anyway, I mean, it's no one's chair, it doesn't have anyone's name on it! I don't have to ask for permission to sit there, and I don't need your permission to sit here!" Phil says, rambling on as he turns and faces Dan.

Dan rolls his eyes, opening his math book before turning away from Phil, waiting for the class to start. Dan taps his pen on the desk impatiently, waiting for the rest of the class and for the teacher to arrive.

"Dan please talk to me! Tell me what I did! I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said those things I wasn't thinking. But you still shouldn't have punched my brother, but what I said was really bad. I'm sorry please forgive me! I'm worried about you, so is Connor and everyone else Dan," Phil says, rambling on but Dan isn't listening, and Phil seems to notice this.

When Phil realizes he's talking to the back of Dan's head, he sighs, but reaches out and grabs onto Dan's shoulder, whirling him around to face Phil, who makes one last attempt to talk to Dan.

"Dan don't ignore me! Please! You need help, you need a friend!" Phil says desperately.

Dan rips out a blank page of his math book, scribbling a note and handing it to Phil, who unfolds it, frowning at the short sentence Dan wrote him.

'And what I DON'T need is your pity.'

Phil stares at the note, a frown forming on his face and his blue eyes flashing with hurt, before he sighs and slips the note in his pocket. Luckily, the lesson starts, giving both Dan and Phil something else to focus on rather than the friendship they used to have and where it went wrong.

After a torturous hour of maths followed by a not as but still torturous hour of legal, Dan is well and truly drained, even though it's only the first break. He sighs, only picking at his lunch, avoiding eye contact with Bethany, who is also strangely quiet.

Dan's thoughts drift to Quinn, who has gone back to school. Is he okay? What's he doing right now? What if he's getting bullied?

Dan can't help but feel a hint of protectiveness and responsibility for Quinn as his older brother, but he feels like he can't fulfill his role. He can't argue with him, yell at him, banter with him, tell him to get lost, laugh with him, joke with him, tease him, stick up for him... Basically, Dan feels he can't be the older brother Quinn deserves and needs and he hates it.

The rest of the day sucks for Dan, but at lunch, as he makes his way to where he usually sits now, Bethany isn't there. She's always there first, especially because Dan usually gets held back, and he knows she's here today, so where is she?

Dan stands there for all of five minutes, before he decides to walk around the halls. Perhaps she's just getting extra help in a classroom somewhere?

After searching the halls for ten minutes, he decides to go back outside, glancing to his old group momentarily. He frowns when he notices Phil is missing, because he know that he's there today, then he hears a commotion from behind one of the buildings. He sneaks over, listening to the conversation.

"Please Bethany, something's wrong with Dan," a voice begs - Phil.

"I don't know, why should I help you do anything?" Bethany retorts, "all you've done is make me feel like crap."

"I know, and I know we shouldn't have but, just do it, for Dan's sake," Phil says, "he may dislike us and not think he needs us, but we just want him to know that he's never alone."

"Fine, okay, but one rude comment and I'm out of there," Bethany warns, but Phil just grins and pulls her into a hug, squishing her slightly.

"Thank you!" Phil says happily, "I'll tell the others to shut their mouths and keep comments to themselves."

"Thanks Phil," Bethany says, and Dan, sensing the conclusion of the conversation, quickly runs to where he usually sits with Bethany and waits, pretending he never heard their conversation.

"Hey Dan!" Bethany says a few minute later, walking towards him with a smile on her face, "sorry I'm late - I got held back in class."

Lies, lies, lies.

Dan nods, smiling up at her from his place on the ground, wondering what she's going to say next and what her deal with Phil is.

"Hey, I was thinking, well, Phil and I have become closer and I'd like to go start to sit with them," Bethany says, "will you come with me?"

More lies.

Dan sighs, but nods, seeing how desperate and pleading Bethany looks. She grins then and grabs him by the hand, pulling him up and leading him to the dreaded table where all his ignored friends and Phil sit.

"Hi everyone!" Bethany says, putting a somewhat forced smile on her face as she slides in next to Phil, pulling Dan down beside her.

"Hi," everyone choruses, most looking genuinely friendly, but the Suggs only manage a strained smile, but don't make any comments.

"Dan, missed you buddy," Caspar says, smiling at Dan, "haven't seen you recently."

"Yeah, after you punch..." Joe starts before Caspar shuts him up by jabbing him in the side with his elbow, nodding his head towards Dan as if he isn't there.

Joe coughs awkwardly, his gaze turning back to Dan. "I mean, hi Dan, good to see you again."

Dan forces a smile before looking away. He is slightly sick of everyone lying to him, it's as if people forget that Dan actually does have thoughts, even though he can't voice them. He's just a naive, stupid kid who should be babied and treated with upmost care everyone's eyes. What they don't realise is that Dan is probably emotionally and mentally tougher than every kid here at this table, they just don't know because Dan can't tell them.

The thing with being mute is that Dan can't scream, or yell, or rant about his problems to get them off his chest, he has to stay silent, and just let them fester within him. He's trapped inside himself; the worst sentence a human can be given.

"Dan can I talk to you in private?" Phil asks, not giving Dan a choice as he drags him away from the table, Dan grabbing his bag on the way.

"Look Dan, I know we had a fight, but I liked our friendship and I like you, you're a really nice person and you've gone through a lot, and I think we should just move on," Phil says, starting to ramble again - just like he used to, "so what I'm saying is that if you apologise then I'm willing to move on past this whole thing. I'll put it behind us, what'd you say?"

Dan looks at Phil with an expression that says, 'are you fucking kidding me?'. Dan pulls out his phone, sending Phil a text.

Dan: ME apologise to YOU? What for?

"For punching my brother! Or did you forget that?" Phil asks, frowning at Dan, for once not rambling on.

Dan: what about you? Saying all those things to me! YOU DIDNT EVEN SEE THE WHOLE THING! YOU JUST ASSUMED I PUNCHED HIM FOR NO REASON AT ALL!

"Well there's never an excuse to punch someone Dan," Phil says, frowning harder at Dan, biting his lip, "why can't we just move past this?"

Dan: because I don't even DO anything to you Phil. You said some things that really hurt. You don't know me, you weren't there for the entire conversation, you didn't see what your 'angelic' brother was doing and you thought I would just punch someone. That's why I can't move past it.

Dan: I honestly thought you were my friend and a good person, but it turns out you're just like every other person who's ever picked on me for being mute.

"D-Dan I-" Phil stammers as he reads the text, his wide, blue eyes filling with tears, "I can't- I don't know... What did happen?"

Dan only shakes his head though, scowling as he turns away, slinging his bag over his shoulder before he quickly walks away. What Phil doesn't see is that Dan walks to the bathrooms, locking himself inside a cubicle and sitting on the closed lid of the toilet, pulling his knees to his chest.

And for the second time in 24 hours, Dan collapses into silent tears as his heart cracks a little more. And he feels like he's almost reached his limit - unless something changes, he's almost done.

***********

AN: hey guys! Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Please vote, comment and share! Thanks so much for reading. Hope you like the book so far.

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