5

Elle

I couldn't really sleep the night before Jude's departure. It was a combination of things; I wanted to spend every waking second possible with him, but I also couldn't stop the words that Jude had spoken from repeating over and over in my head. It didn't really work that way with my father.

But I kept reminding myself that when his dad left, it was on bad terms. Really bad. Like, I'll probably never be able to forgive you bad. Our time apart wasn't going to be the result of infidelity or anger or deceit or a break up. He was just going to work.

I'd known Jude for less than a year, but a life without him would be one that was utterly incomplete. This would be good for us. This would strengthen us. This would bring us closer together in the end. We each just had to trust in what we had.

That night, I laid my body as close to Jude as possible. I loved feeling the warmth of his skin spread across my own. I soaked in everything about him. His scent, the feeling of his facial hair against my cheek, the deep, dark blue hue of his eyes. Every little detail was painstakingly drawn in my memory. Sure, I could just look at one of the hundreds of pictures I have of him on my phone, or, dare I say it, I could search his name online and gaze upon thousands of them, but none of them would compare to the real thing; pictures just don't do him justice.

I tried to feign sleep so Jude would be able to get some rest, but he was on to me.

His voice came out as a whisper, presumably just in case. "You awake?"

"Duh."

I could see the smile on his face without having to open my eyes.

"What're you thinking about?" He ceased speaking in a whisper, but he kept his voice low.

"You."

"Same."

I felt his chest rise and fall with a heavy sigh.

"I don't want you to think I doubt us, and I sure as hell don't want you to doubt my feelings for you. What came out about my dad was just some messed up thought I had lurking in the depths of my mind." His arms pulled me in a little closer.

"When your dad left, you were angry, hurt, heartbroken, and rightfully so. But when you get on that plane tomorrow, I am sending you off with every bit of love I could muster. You mean more to me than anything else, and I've not once doubted your feelings for me. Don't think you'll be able to get rid of me so easily."

"I've got no plans of ever ridding my life of you, love." He bent his head towards mine and kissed the top of it. "Do you want to try to sleep?"

"And miss out on a few more hours with you? Absolutely not."

"I know you, Elle. You'll be in a right sour mood tomorrow if you're tired."

"I took the day off, so as soon as I get back to my apartment, I'll pass out in my old bed. Easy as that."

He turned over onto his side and propped himself up on his elbow. His eyes searched mine before he spoke. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Tell me something I don't know."

He just stared at me with his eyebrows raised.

"Really, tell me something I can't find on the internet. Something no one knows. Not even your mom."

He actually laughed. "Mum knows everything."

"She can't know everything."

"Let me think on it for a minute."

While Jude ruminated in his thoughts, I ran my fingertips up and down his chest. I watched goosebumps raise in their wakes and felt the steady hammering of his heart quicken under my touch.

"Stop that, or we'll be doing a different sort of talking."

"Wouldn't be the worst way to spend our last night together."

I could almost hear his eyes rolling in his head. "You've sure come a long way, Elle."

I smiled to myself while patiently waiting for Jude to share his secret with me. He cleared his throat, as if to prepare for what he was about to reveal.

"I, er, had my first kiss when I was seventeen."

My body was propped up above his before I could realize my actions. I searched his eyes for a hint that he was lying to me.

"Impossible."

"Possible. And it was just a stage kiss."

I plopped back down next to him and watched his lips to ensure I could believe what my ears were hearing.

"I was in a production at school and had to pretend to share this awkward first kiss with the female lead. No one knew it was the first time I was actually kissing someone, and the director didn't allow us to practice it because she wanted it to look authentic. It was probably the best performance of my life as it was the most real. All the teeth banging still brings me a cringe."

I couldn't fight the fit of giggles that shook my body, but I felt a twinge of remorse when I saw that pink blush creep up Jude's cheeks.

"Hey! I was just a teenager. Stop laughing at me."

"I just don't get it, Jude. You had to have girls pining for you all the time. Why not date one of them?"

His voice came out matter-of-factly. "I didn't have time to devote to a girlfriend. I was trying to hold the family together."

That completely stopped my laughing fit. "I'm sorry, Jude. I've really been shoving my foot in my mouth all night, haven't I? I'd say I'm up to my knee by now."

He turned on his side and grabbed at me. I snuggled in close to him and left a kiss on the tip of his nose.

"You've got to stop worrying about offending me. I can talk about my past without falling apart, love." He stroked one of his hands through my hair and settled it on the small of my back. "Your turn."

"My turn?"

"To tell me a secret. One that no one knows; not even your mum."

"Or Google."

"Right."

"Shouldn't be hard."

He let out a little snort, and it made me fall in love with him all over again. I stared into his eyes as I thought of what I could tell him that he didn't already know. I surfed the channels of my brain, and when I finally thought of something, I considered shoving it back into the recesses of my mind. No one—not a single soul—knew about it.

"When I was in college, I was offered a role on Broadway."

"What?" There was incredulity in his voice.

"I was in a musical my freshman year, and I hated every second of it. Dance became a chore. The practices were long and often. I dreaded going every single night, but I stuck with it because I made the commitment. Then, while I was chatting with some of the other dancers after opening night, the stage manager told me there was someone who wanted to see me. Silly me thought it was Luke, but no—"

"Wait, he didn't go?"

"He wasn't into sitting through performance pieces."

"That's really shitty, Elle."

"I know, but that's not the point of the story. This talent scout came up to me and told me she needed a few more dancers for a musical in New York City. Based on how much I hated what I was doing, I knew right then and there I wouldn't take her up on it, but I took her information and told her I'd give her a call. I did some research and everything she said was legit, but I never dialed her number."

Jude just laid there, staring back at me. He didn't seem to be able to process how I could give up such an opportunity. "But, Elle, if you'd taken that, you could be famous right now. You could have a completely different life."

"And this is why I've never told anyone."

His brows furrowed in confusion.

"Listen, I love dancing, you know that, but I never wanted it to be a career. Sure, it probably would've been cool to have my career start at eighteen and not have to cripple myself in student debt to pay for college, but how long could that have really lasted? I mean, sometimes I think about how my life could have been different if I'd taken that woman up on her offer, but I don't regret it. Besides, if I had, I wouldn't be right here, in this bed, with you."

I watched Jude's face relax back into a smile. "You may be one of the only people I've ever met who would turn down fame and fortune."

"Even the residual effects I feel from being with you are too much for me sometimes. I can't imagine a life completely in the spotlight."

"Do you think you'll ever get tired of this kind of life? Like the one you've been living since we met?"

His voice was timid. As confident as Jude was in everything he did, he often needed reassurance about my feelings for him, but I'd never waste an opportunity to tell him how much I loved him.

"Get tired of this hectic, manic, and sometimes utterly insane life you live? Maybe. Get tired of you? Never." I nestled in even closer to him and let him squeeze me breathless in his arms.

We laid like that for a little while longer, and it was so warm and comfortable that I found myself fighting my eyelids to stay open. Just as I was about to nod off, Jude started up again.

"You still awake?"

"Barely."

"How old were you when you had your first kiss?"

That perked me up. "Huh?"

"How old were you when you first kissed someone?"

"Um, like a real kiss?" I didn't know if we were talking little kiss on the cheek or full on make out session.

"Is there such a thing as a fake kiss?" he asked.

"The kissing you do at work is fake, isn't it?"

"Right. Sorry. I meant, not just some little peck, but your first actual kiss."

I thought back to the year Luke and I made it "official."

"You know I've only ever been with Luke. We started "dating" when I was fourteen, but it was really just hand holding and hanging out at the mall. I didn't let him really kiss me until I was fifteen."

"Hmm. What about—"

"Are you sure you want to go down this road?"

He turned in the bed to face me and brought his palm to my cheek. "No, but I want to know your secrets." Jude moved his face so close to mine that our noses brushed up against each other.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to travel down this path of sharing such intimate details. There was a nag of curiosity in me that wanted to know the name of every girl Jude had ever slept with, and then there was the part of my brain that told me ignorance was bliss.

I whispered against Jude's mouth, "You first."

"Together."

We stayed staring into each other's eyes for a while. When I heard him draw in a breath, I did the same, and in a split second we were both revealing our secrets.

"Eighteen."

"On second thought, that's all I need to know." Jude had a note of finality in his voice.

"No, no, no. We can't just stop there."

"Oh yes we can, love. I don't want to hear anymore."

"What's got you so bothered? Are you worried I'm going to ask you a question you don't want to answer? Or are you afraid of an answer you might get from me?"

His eyes rested on mine.

"Listen, I'm totally fine with stopping this rousing round of twenty questions, but don't forget who started the game." I wasn't mad at all, but I couldn't miss a chance to poke some fun at him. I smiled back at Jude to let him know that I was just messing with him.

"I just think that's enough for tonight. We'll pick it up in, oh, let's say, two months?"

"HA-HA." I stifled a yawn, and Jude brought his lips to my forehead.

"Let's sleep. I don't think either of us has the stamina to stay awake much longer."

I turned over so Jude could curl himself around me. When he did so, I felt more protected than ever before. It was more comforting than hiding under the blankets as a child.

"Love you, Jude."

"Love you more."

And with that, we were out.

***

The next morning was a whirlwind of quick showers, rushed cups of coffee and tidal waves of emotions. While we were busy diving into each other's pasts, neither of us remembered to set an alarm. Jude's flight was at one in the afternoon, but with us sleeping until after ten, it didn't give us much time to attempt to put off the inevitable.

While Jude piled both his and my luggage in front of the door, I made us two more cups of coffee for the ride to the airport, and I filled a third travel mug for Jeffrey.

"Elle, what time is it?" Jude was calling from the top of the stairs.

"10:58. Jeffrey should be here any second."

"Fuck. I've got no time to do a last look over. If I realized I've forgotten something important, can you ship it to me?" He came bounding down the stairs towards me.

"For a small price." I grabbed him by the shoulders and put a stop to his frenetic rushing. "Relax."

I watched his expression soften right before my eyes.

"Sorry, love. Just a little jittery. I actually hate flying. And this flight is hours. I think the only reason I was so relaxed on the trips we've been on is because you were there with me...hey, want to join me?"

"Want to? Yes. Can I? No." I tilted up onto my tip toes and pecked Jude on the lips. Just as I pulled away from him, there was a knock on the door. "I'll grab the coffees and meet you outside."

As I retreated back into the kitchen, I heard Jude greet Jeffrey. I then listened in on their spat about who would take the bags out to the car.

"Jeffrey, I pay you to drive me, not to carry my things. I'll grab them."

"Part of the job, Jude. Let me help."

By the time I had gotten back to the front door, all of the bags, including mine, were cleared. I didn't like the idea of coming back to Jude's house without him, so I packed up the essentials I'd brought to Jude's when I first moved in and had them ready to transport back to my old apartment.

I climbed into the waiting car and off we went. Once Jeffrey had pulled away from the curb, I handed him his cup of coffee.

"Brewed you a cup, Jeffrey. Thought you'd need the extra caffeine since you're going to have a sobbing mess in the back of your car in a few hours."

"Oh, Elle, I wouldn't worry one bit. You two can make it through anything." He winked at me in the rearview mirror.

Jude turned his full attention to me. "Speaking of emotions, I wrote you this letter." He pulled out an envelope from his jacket. "Whenever you feel like the distance is too great or like the time is too long, I want you to read this." He placed it in my hands and looked straight into my eyes.

"Well, I guess great minds really do think alike." I pulled out a letter I had penned for Jude from my purse. "Ditto."

When I put the letter in Jude's hands, a huge, goofy smile spread across his face. "And this is why I love you. Why I love us." He leaned across the seat and set his lips on mine.

Let me spare you the details and give you the condensed version of our airport escapade. Jeffrey dropped us off at Jude's terminal, and we met Lily and Rob right near the security lines, which also happened to be the last place I could go in the airport without a boarding pass. There were hugs, sloppy kisses, and a few people snapping pictures, but I didn't care.

Jude whispered so many things in my ear as he put off our goodbye: I'll call you when I land. Yes, even if it's the middle of the night. I love you. You are my everything. Okay, I have to go. Wait, one more kiss. Right, really this time. I love you. See you soon. I love you, Elle.

Lily and Rob's goodbye was much less mushy; they haven't been together even half the time Jude and I have, but I could tell it wasn't something they were looking forward to either. Who would?

In the end, I surprised even myself. There were no tears, no fears, and no sense of worry. I had this feeling in my bones that the next two months would fly by so long as I kept myself preoccupied, and with Lily back at my side, I knew there were all kinds of adventures that awaited us in London.