I like to think. I like to take refuge in the silence that's inside of my own mind. Whenever there is too much "noise" inside of me, I start to think and sort things out until there is peace and quiet. And then I can think about what I want, the places I want to go, the kind of person I want to be. I'm constantly imagining and playing out "what ifs" in my head, so honestly, today is positively no different.

I feel my stomach twist inside of me as I start to see other young people from Amity heading out of the fields and into the city. I've always had trouble with nerves and anxiety, but I'd developed ways to cope. I used to have my music...

Don't you DARE start thinking about that.

I shook my head quickly and tried to use a different coping strategy: start thinking about something, anything other than what's making my stomach flip. But somehow, today...I can think of nothing else. I don't get it...

I've always felt out of place and odd, no matter how hard I tried to fit in with my friends, I never did have a "core group" that I belonged to. I'm tired of being alone. I want to belong somewhere in this world of the factions. And today I get to find out.

But why am I so nervous?

I can't shake the feeling, so I start sorting out facts in my mind: for instance, the factions. I love relating the different factions to different things in our world. The factions are our world. The system was created by our leaders to keep peace on planet earth...what was left of it, after the War. Five different groups, everyone assigned a group, everyone with a place to belong. It made sense, and so far, it had been working for well over one hundred years.

My people are Amity. Peaceful. Rejecting violence, we love the patterns and constants in nature. We grow the food for everyone, hence the tomato incident with Lacy.

I felt my cheeks flush at the thought of the Dauntless leader's boots. That's another faction, Dauntless, the brave. So brave. I admire them nearly obsessively, which probably is why I was so upset that I could have possibly shown anything but utter and complete respect and honour: they keep us safe. They risk their lives every day for all the rest of us...it's amazing. And inspiring. Makes me feel insignificant when I watch them.

"Hey! It's tree-hugging Amity-girl. How's the hippie life treating you today, dork?"

I smile outwardly and cringe inwardly as a lanky, blue cloth-covered arm is swung around my shoulders. I tilt my head back and to the left to meet the brown eyes of my "attacker".

"I hate the hippie life and you know it," I smirk back at his cocky grin and put my left arm around his waist in a quick squeeze.

"Does that mean you're gonna change factions!?" He asked with mock terror, but a glint of something else in his eyes...excitement?

I shook my head and looked at the ground so he couldn't see my eyes. "No, that's not what it means..." I purposely raised my head and tried to look cheerfully ahead of us. We were now where we could just see the top of the testing building and I didn't need him knowing what was going on in my mind.

"What about you? Are you secretly a "peace-lovin' hippie?" I giggle and looked back at him as I shrugged his arm off my shoulder, giving my burning cheeks a break.

"Well...that depends if you..." he trailed off and looked deep into my eyes and I felt my breath hitching. His pupils seemed to dilate and I almost quit walking entirely as I stared back at him.

Keep walking...it's just a joke. The voice inside me screamed, but my feelings began fluttering to the surface and I knew I was about to say or do something that would give everything away...and make a fool of myself.

He reached his hand out and I almost gasped as his fingers touched my arm. It had been about two seconds, but it felt like 10 minutes of drama had been unfolding. And then he opened his mouth again:

"It depends if you...have chicken nuggets there or not!" And he smirked like it was the best joke he'd ever told.

As my heart started crunching in my chest, I made a big production of rolling my eyes, and sighing deeply. My stomach kept flipping, but I kept the game up,

"Oh Owen! Seriously...if that's the only reason you're going into a faction than you should stay Erudite for Pete's sake!"

Owen shrugged and then started smiling again. He was always smiling. "I'm going to wait to make any decision until after my testing. Kind of like someone else I know..." and he rolled his eyes, looking down at me again.

Why does he have to DO that?!? My inner voice wailed and I felt tears begin to sting my eyes. That endearing, teasing, smiling down at me. It was infuriating and adorable. Break my heart and make me swoon.

"Hey losers, what's happening?!?" The smooth, gorgeous voice behind me sings. I turn to my right to see Katy catching up to us. I'd like to think she is a good friend, but, as with Owen, I can't shake the feeling that they like me around...until someone better comes along. I sigh with frustration and relief. Frustration that I will again be the third wheel in our friend-group, but relief that I won't have to chat one-on-one with Owen anymore.

Owen and Katy had begun paying attention to me two years ago. I didn't know how to take it, particularly from Owen. He was Erudite: too smart, too attractive, and too arrogant a faction to even look twice at an Amity. Erudite was all about knowledge, and power because of that knowledge. They wore well fitting-tailored clothes and always looked their finest, the opposite of Amity's free-flowing, loose, sometimes mismatched fashion. So for him to suddenly come up to me at school, talk to me and deem me funny... it was so weird. I had once thought he was attracted to me, but quickly gave that idea up. We were friends, and friends only. We could never be anything more. I had to protect myself, if he knew I was crushing so hard on him, it could always end up being a way to stroke his Erudite ego, leaving me in wounded folly.

But he had a wonderful spirit about him, that's probably why I started falling for him in spite of my inner warnings. And he was so attractive...the girls just drooled over his muscular body, hazel eyes and dark hair. And he had the sweetest hint of freckles on his nose and upper cheeks. And don't get me started on his dimples...

"Lily? Are you even listening to me?" Katy waved her hands in my face as I snapped back to attention. Instead of being my usual flustered self, though, I smirked slowly and looked straight at her, "um, nope!"

Katy huffed and whined to Owen, "see! She doesn't even listen! I'm going to have to start asking you for advice then..." was that a purr in her voice?

"Just giving you a taste of your own Candor medicine, Katy." I winked at her as I said it and all three of us laughed. The Candor faction equals blunt. Period. I don't care what anyone says, the truth can still be told, you don't have to be rude. I put up with Candors, because...they tell the truth, even if it is rude. They don't manipulate like Erudite and they aren't SO afraid of arguing that they ignore the truth like Amity.

So in a sense, much as I loathe their rude ways, there's a place in my heart for Candors. And As much as Katy can drive me up the wall, she's as beautiful inside as she is outside. Her blonde hair is streaked with shimmering gold, and her eyes are a sparkling blue, with flecks of grey. I have often envied her thin, wiry, athletic build. Slender and elegant, even her voice made her appear sophisticated. If she didn't go to Erudite, I'd be more than surprised.

Then she and Owen will get married and live happily ever after...

I choked on my spit at that unbidden thought and coughed, turning it into a giggle to, yet again, avoid attention from my friends.

By now we had reached the outside of the test centre. Every faction was represented except Dauntless...but they would be here soon.

We reached Candor first and I put my hand on Katy's shoulder to hug her goodbye. She had always been a good friend, even if I was invisible to her sometimes. At least there were times when she saw me.

I felt her palms press into my back and she stunned me with her words: "I love you, Lily. Thank you for all you've done for me as a friend and for always, always standing by my side, even when I wasn't the nicest person to you."

I blinked as I stared unseeingly over her shoulder. With a final squeeze, Katy released me and in that moment I realized how stupid I was being. All this time I never considered how this might have been our final conversation. Tomorrow was the Choosing Ceremony and we were most likely going to enter the adult world in different factions. My heart swelled with love and pain for what I had had and not appreciated and what I was about to lose.

My jaw trembled as I tried to come to grips with this realization. I grabbed Katy's shoulders to make her look at me and I began slowly, but succinctly, "Katy, I have not been the best friend to you in my heart always. But you have been a good friend to me. No matter what happens, however I can, I will always be there for you."

As I said the words, I knew I meant them. It was like a penance for all the unspoken resentment I had harboured. Now, in a moment in time it had all been obliterated by a few kind, honest words. If someone can be honest about their faults, I can forgive them.

My eyes stung with unshed tears and Katy sniffled as I watched her give a quick hug to Owen. With a final wave, Katy turned to her Candor friends and Owen and I started heading toward the Amity line. The line for Erudite was beyond that, so I knew goodbye for Owen and I would be when we reached my line.

We walked in silence, and I was glad of it, my head was swirling:

How could I have so misjudged, and now...now it's too late.

I sighed heavily and laced my fingers in front of me as I slowed my steps, prolonging the inevitable second "goodbye". As much as I didn't know what I was doing, I knew that I would never be in Erudite, so I would never see either of them again. Owen would choose Erudite and Katy would follow him. Owen broke the silence as we reached the Amity line.

"So..." he began. Funny, he was never at a loss for words. I sensed his uneasiness and I figured he felt awkward about how to say goodbye. I decided to play it off in a light-hearted way.

"Yeah, I had no idea how mushy I was gonna get saying goodbye to Katy!" I chuckled, but you could hear the strain behind it. Owen eyes, which had been focused on the ground, flashed up to meet my own.

"Don't feel bad about all that. I know you're going to feel guilty for ever considering that Katy was anything but an angel, but honestly, Katy knew she could be stuck up and she knew she hurt you. We would talk about it from time to time when I would realize you weren't sitting with us." Owen paused and I could think of nothing to say, so he continued, "you are such a strong person, Lily, but you are also so sensitive. Sometimes I wish you had just hashed it out with us when we were being- well, full of ourselves, but you took the high road always. We weren't totally blind." He kept eye contact as he moved ever so slightly closer to me and put his hand out to touch my upper arm. I felt my insides start to mush.

As if today wasn't already emotional enough...

"Lily, you've been such a good friend, and I...I just-" a train whistle screamed in our ears announcing the arrival of Dauntless youth, also coming for their testing. Owen's hand dropped as we both looked up at the train rolling in to the open area around the testing building.

Owen looked down and grinned at me, "I guess that's my cue to get in line at Erudite." I felt SO awkward. Do we hug? Shake hands? Wave? Fist bump? I know we've hugged before, but this is a bit bigger of a deal. Maybe he will just want to play it off as cool and-

Owen opened his arms and leaned in towards me. I decided not to hide my joy and smiled as I hugged him back...tightly. I started to let go but I felt his arms tighten around my waist and shoulder blades. Instead of letting go I rested my chin on his shoulder and closed my eyes, exhaling contentedly. I felt him turn his face into my hair by my ear and start to say something.

"Oh Lily. I should have..." a war whoop followed by cheers and shrieks of laughter from Dauntless jumping off the train drowned out Owen's whisper and I felt his shoulder sag a little as I leaned away from his embrace and smiled up at him.

"Take care of yourself, Owen. I-I am going to miss you." There, I'd said it. I know it's a normal thing to say, but I'd always been so terrified of showing him how I feel and just knowing it wasn't reciprocated, that saying something like that was...well, a big deal! Ever since the day Katy had told me they were in love...

At that moment the doors to the testing building opened and I looked up at Owen and gave him a shot in the arm, "you better get goin' Erudite!" He grinned back at me and gave a small wave as he set off to the Erudite line. I turned to my Amity acquaintances and the girls were wiggling their eyebrows at me like they always did when Owen was around me. I rolled my eyes, "come on, guys, really?" And we all giggled a little bit. For being in the same faction, I never did know these other girls my age well. But they were nice enough in a distant, non-inclusive sort of way.

Whatever though. I've got bigger problems to face the second I walk through those doors...

Hello!! Ok, so, this was a big chapter for me...does it make sense?!? Let me know, thanks for reading! :)