I'd said no obviously.

The doctors and nurses seem to think I'm suffering from  depression but I didn't realize it. They're wrong - I'm grieving - Maylee says I should get counseling for that at least.

No - I don't.

I'm not going to just go and talk to some shrink about my dad and - nothings wrong - I'll get over this.

Dad always told me I was strong.

But maybe - maybe they were right about one thing - staying all alone is probably the worst way to deal with this - but I don't want to sit and talk and pretend like everything is ok. It - feels like something is reaching in my chest and squeezing my heart just thinking about it.

I just stare at the ceiling instead. The white - boring ceiling.

Nobody bothers me.

I'm good with that.

My brain is empty right now and I just feel really, really tired and I don't want to feel this way anymore, it's like I'm stuck in a hole and I keep falling and I can't go back up unless I try really hard but I don't want to even though I do and -

I don't make any sense to myself.

A knock suddenly sounds off at the door - loud and jumpy.

I hear scuffles as I turn to look at the closed wood wondering who would actually want to approach me.

With a sigh I muster up the effort to roll of the bed and walk to the door.

"Hey - hey stop pushing - "

You stop-"

"Both of you cut it out."

"He - "

I open the door.

Three of the Skilton boys blink back at me.

"Hi." Wayne - one of the twins, he smiles at me shyly.

I blink at them. "Um - hi?" What did they want?

"Sorry to intrude but - um - we were just wondering if - " Willem stops, face flushing a bit as he averts his eyes.

Kane scoffs. "If you wanna come with us to the ranch today."

"Um - I don't - "

"Pleeeease!" Suddenly small Wiley pops up out of nowhere and begs, his big dark eyes watery for extra effect. "We really want you to come! And I want to show you Tiller." He says, pink lips pushing into a pout.

I swallow and look at all four of them . "Um - are you sure you want me around?" I know it sounds pathetic but - I've done nothing but be rude and inconsiderate to these people.

Wayne nods. "Yah - yah, West's already got the Jeep fired up. Come on." He smiles a wide smile that would probably sparkle if this was an anime or something.

I nod slowly - I'm not sure but - maybe - maybe I should try this - maybe.

"Lemme just get changed." I say quietly and close the door.

Wiley's excited outburst makes me feel kind of better as I hear them walk away.

I look in the mirror - I look like crap.

With a small sigh I brush my hair, wash my face, and change into a white t shirt with 'I heart San Fran' written on it in black and red.

I still look like crap.

Whatever.

I go outside, the sun burns my eyes as I  step out to the porch - it's hot. Near scorching hot - dry and hot and so not San Fran weather.

I rasp out dramatically as I go out from under the relative safety of the porch shade and make my way to a big black Jeep with several males swarming around it.

"Heave Ho!" West hollers suddenly and I gasp as he and Kendall shuffle past me with a giant wooden crate.

"What's in there?" I can't help but ask as they load it onto the Jeep.

Ken dusts his hands off on his jeans. "Salt blocks."

"Huh?" That was a weird answer.

He grins at me, a dimple in his left cheek. "It's for the cows - they like to lick it and it helps tenderize their meat so they taste good when - "

Wiley's shriek cuts him off.

West smacks Kendall upside the head. "You know he doesn't like to hear that." He grouches.

Ken snickers, his eyes flicker to me as he rubs his dark gold hair. "Sorry lil Buddy." He says not sounding sorry at all.

Wiley glares at him and climbs in the jeep.

I watch and I find myself highly amused by this. That ten year old has spunk.

Kendall looks up and notices my twitching smile and winks at me. I refuse to acknowledge his ridicules amount of boyish charm.

They all looked like they had it - Kendall just didn't seem to be holding it back.

"Hop in." West shouts, climbing into the drivers seat.

"Shotgun!" Kane suddenly yells out of nowhere and plows his twin down to get into the seat.

He opens it and groans in disappointment. "Oh, come on Will! You always take shotgun!" The kid grouses as he glares at his third older brother.

Willem gives him a calm smile. "I know." And deftly reaches over and closes the door.

I actually snort. Wayne smiles sheepishly at his twin and pats him on the back. "Come on Kane - you can have the window."

The warmth with which he says that to his twin is actually - incredibly sweet. I can feel it all the way over here.

"You can sit next to me." Ken suddenly comes up with a sly grin which I believe was meant to be a joke.

I shake my head. "I'll sit next to him." I point at Koby who's just come out with a book in his hand, he gives me a startled look but I hope I don't scare him.

"Fine, I'll sit on the other - "

"I wanna sit next to Zaria!" Wiley suddenly shouts from the window.

I almost laugh at how quickly Kendall deflates.

I end up sandwiched between the two youngest Skiltons and - it wasn't so bad.

The boys talked and messed with each other so much I didn't need to feel bad about not saying anything.

Koby seems pretty docile though - the kid was excellent at ignoring everyone in favor of his book -

I liked him.

Wiley was just rattling on to anyone who would listen which was mostly my ear until we finally reach their farm thing which was only a few miles out on their land.

"Let's go everybody! Those cows don't milk themselves!" West calls as he pulls open the back and all the boys file out chattering about I don't have a clue what.

"Hey, you want to see the cows? We've got sheep too - and a few horses, but mostly cows. "

I look over at Wayne and nod - what else was I supposed to do here?

"Sure, ok."

"Remember guys, we still need to check up on the stock - don't take too long." West says while he and Kendall grunt when they lift up the crate of salt blocks.

Wayne nods. "Ok. C'mon." He waves at me and I don't really have a choice but to follow.

"Me too!" Wiley jumps up and snatches my hand, grinning up at me, his gap making his little round face even more adorable.

How can one kid be this cute?

I never even liked kids before.

"You coming Kane?" Wayne calls to his twin.

The other shakes his head. "Nah, Imanna check on Dila."

Wayne shrugs. "Ok, see you later."

And so I end up being half dragged all over the giant ranch by Wiley and listen to Wayne talk.

"... Great grandfather on my moms side owned the land and his son had the bright idea to build a ranch. So here we are I guess." Wayne was saying as I follow him through a rocky path, a few Cacti grow out from between the hard sand rocks.

I see a giant rabbit shoot off in the distance when I crunch on gravel.

Wiley laughs. "A Jack!" He calls happily.

"Jack Rabbits are always around here - partly the reason why we don't do food farms. There are so many of those munchers. "Wayne explains - he's very informed.

Suddenly Wayne's phone rings, blasting out some violin concerto I don't know before he picks it up. "Yah?"

A moment and Wayne flashes me an apologetic look. "Sorry - West needs me real quick. Just stay here with Wiley - watch the sun set a bit - I'll be back." And he runs off on those long legs of his.

Wiley doesn't seem to think his brother's departure is a big deal so he leads me off to a bigger fence, the animals that are milling inside surprise me.

Bulls - a lot of them. Big ones. Huge ones.

I look at the monsters in surprise - "Wow - those guys would kill in a bull fight." I mutter.

Wiley giggles and reaches for the biggest one through the fence bars and pats his flank. "This one's Tiller. He's my favorite - the only Bull that lets me ride him."

"You ride him?" I try to imagine that - it looks weird in my head. Sure, people rode bulls in rodeos but - just for leisure?

"Ya - we raised him since he was a baby, we grew up together." He smiles big. "He's my best friend other than my brothers."

That's cute I guess.

I walk around the fence, Wiley stays behind to talk to his bull friend as I trail my fingers around the hard boards.

This place was new and different but - I wonder what I'm supposed to do here.

Suddenly a loud snort startles me. I turn to see a big bull off in a patch of summer berries. His eyes are trained on me - how did he get out?

I don't have time to answer when, to my horror, the thing comes charging at me!

I gasp and twist around and run, my feet kicking up gravel and sand "Help!" I shriek, the ground thunders as the giant monster pounds towards me with a weird howling growling sound.

I scream. I'm pretty sure I was going to die right now.

I fall - that thing is fast - so fast - how can a two ton animal be that fast!

I flail around to stand.

"Help!" I shriek again.

The someone grabs me under my arms and yanks me out of the bulls plowing line just barley saving me from becoming a permanent part of the landscape.

"Will!" West shouts above me, his hands still gripped firmly around my skinny arms.

"I got 'im!" Willem yells back, he's standing on the top fence rail in a squat.

What the heck was he -

He jumps.

I gasp as the crazy boy flies forward and - and lands on that monsters back! He struggles for a second but somehow - I still don't know how - he manages to grab the horns and steer the thing like it's a motorcycle or something, right into the pen.

He deftly flips off and jumps back before the bull can maim him and slams the fence gate shut with a fast swipe.

Hoots and hollers suddenly ring out. I stare at the other boys in shock, my mouth hanging open as Willem takes an exaggerated bow and waves his hand with a flourish.

"That was awesome!" Ken hollers, grinning like a madman.

Kane agrees and actually laughs as Koby gives Will a high five.

Wayne comes bounding up to me with Wiley, his face looking pale and apologetic as West lifts me to my feet like I weigh nothing.

These boys were strong.

"I'm so sorry Zaria." Wayne sputters. "I didn't know Cork was out of his pen - I'm sorry - stupid Bull." He mutters the end and looks away, face flushed in shame.

I shake off the excessive jitters and try to act like my heart isn't going a billion lightyears per millisecond. "Yah - it's - it's fine Wayne - um, wasn't your fault. But - "

The boys look at me.

"Why the heck do you guys need bulls that freaking big! He's a colossal monster!" I burst out, my hands flying out in exasperated nerves.

They all just give me surprised looks before Wiley starts tittering. Then that gets them all to snort and pretty soon - I'm surrounded by teasing and laughing Skiltons.

I don't know how to feel about that.

"Man, we're sorry there Chica - just - " Kendall can't speak through giggles.

I roll my eyes at them. "Whatever - I think I'm done Cow watching. I'll be in the Jeep." I turn to head towards what I hope Is the right direction.

"Hey wait!" Koby calls suddenly.

I stop to look at the small kid.

He gives West a look which West returns with a smile and nods.

Seriously? More telepathic communication - these guys were good.

"We want to show you something." Koby says, not looking at me.

I sigh, my shoulders sag. Well - I've got nothing better to do - "Ok. Where."

"Patience young Padawan." Ken suddenly speaks up, making me snort. "We must wait until the falling of the yellow star." He says, faking a zen voice.

I can't help the eyes roll I give him as Kane shoves at his shoulder making him laugh.

"Seriously though - we just need to finish up some things here, then we'll show you something epic." Ken smiles.

I refuse to accept the slight flitter that goes through me because of that smile. "Ok."

What could they possibly be so excited about?

"Now look."

I open my eyes and - I forget to breath.

Stars - millions upon billions of stars - I have never seen so many in my life. San Fran has way too much light pollution to see them but - here - the ranch was pretty remote and there were few random scatters of other homes separated by acers of land -

We walked half a mile to get to this sandy hill just to see - I don't believe my eyes. I just want to stare and look and - the stars sparkle like a billion diamonds - now I get that kid song 'Twinkle, twinkle little star.'

Seriously like diamonds - ones you can't reach but can imagine cupping in your hand - I ache to dip by hands in the black, purple and blues of the night sky and collect the stars like shimmering pixy dust.

I've never felt so light in my life.

"So - it's incredible." I breathe, the sky reflecting in my dark eyes.

"Yah." Koby says next to me softly. The other boys sit around up and lean back to watch.

It's like - even though we can't see the constant movement of the stars from down here - there always seem to be something going on up there, it's busy and bright and I can't help thinking it's like a city made up of stars. Twinkling like city lights against a dark background.

"Beautiful yah." Willem whispers next to me.

I nod, I can't do anything else.

I felt like staring up into the sky was taking out my black hole and replacing it with wonder I didn't know I could have. My mind calms and I feel incredibly peaceful as the Arizonian wind blows softly, the dusty plains whistle as the air moves through the rocks and cacti - it was gorgeous.

We stay there for I don't know how long, but if feels like hours and yet - only seconds. I don't know. The longer I stare up at the sky the less  meaning time had. If only life was as expansive as the galaxy.

"C'mon guys." West whispers now standing up. "Wiley's asleep, time to go."

I sigh as all of them stand up and dust themselves off. West bends down and lifts up the sleeping ten year old like he's a sack of sugar and settles him over his shoulder.

"Let's go."

The sight makes my heart ache as I remember dad - he used to carry me like that when I fell asleep.

"Zaria?" Koby's young voice catches my attention. He actually looks at me - his shyness has lowered for the moment.

"Coming." I look at the sky one last time before I follow the Skilton brothers down the small hill and to the Jeep through the dark.

The relaxed feeling of peace I had was a comfortable settle on my shoulders.

I might actually sleep tonight.

I wake up in the middle of the night, my scream shatters any semblance of peace the night might have had before I destroy it while ripping my vocal cords and claw the air.

My chest heaves - my eyes open in the dark, sweat runs down my neck and I don't - I don't - I don't know where I am for a full minute before I start to sob.

Something was weighing down on my chest as I gasp for desperately needed air.

My door shoves open and Maylee comes bounding in, I'm yanked into her arms as someone turns on the nightstand light I had.

"Shhh - shh it's alright sweet red, it's alright." Maylee soothes while she pushes back my limp red hair.

I shudder, my sobs dial down to hiccups - I can't remember why I'm even crying - but that awful sense of relief washes over me when I realize that whatever it was, it wasn't real. No wait - no - my heart aches, my Dad wasn't here - I wasn't ok -

I hug Maylee tighter.

"Mom?"

That's when I notice the collected group of sleepy eyes males at my doorway. I flush - my face heats up at the realization that I woke up - all of them.

Man - I've never been around so many guys - no, so many guys have never been around me and seen my more personal side.

No guy has ever seen my personal side.

I swallow and shiver as Maylee hums an unfamiliar tune to me.

"She's fine Wiley, West get them back to bed." May says, her sweet voice calm.

"You heard Mom guys." West shifts them all out as they groan and mutter about his bossiness.

"Zaria." Mr. Skilton speaks up.

Great - I even woke up their dad. This was humiliating.

"M'fine." I mumble in Maylee's soft cotton dress. Her fingers in my hair were making me sleepy again.

I hear him sigh.  I kind of feel vaguely bad about causing him stress. Like my dad said - he raised a monster.

"Really -I'm s- " I'm sick of apologizing, it doesn't mean anything anymore. "Please, don't worry." I say instead. "Go back to bed, forget me. I'm Ok." My voice is a bit shaky but - I try to encourage them.

They share a look in the dim light - telepathic communication again - and sigh.

"Alright," Maylee says lightly. "Try to get some sleep -we'll see you at breakfast."

No sooner do they leave me when the demons come back.

I shudder alone and leave the dim desk light on. I don't want to go back to sleep.

Every time I close my eyes - I see a sad, horribly stretched grey face look at me with eyes I know I should know who they belong to.

But I can't. I barely remember what scared me about the face besides how it looked.

I do remember the griping fear of - my dad - I saw him get shot - blood - his face, oh God his face -

I don't realize I've cried myself to sleep until I wake up the next morning, puffy faced and eyes burning.

I'll never get to sleep like a normal person again.