Mean

"Buti naman at nandito ka na," ani Mommy habang nakaupo sa single seat na sofa.

Nasa long seat naman si Cyan at yung Mommy niya. They were both crossing their legs as they surveyed my long pajamas and flannel shirt. Kinamot ko ang pisngi at yumuko ng bahagya bago nagtatakbong pumasok ng kusina.

I almost cursed when I realized that I flee like a bird. Dapat naglakad ako ng maayos! Baka sabihin nilang mayabang ako o ano...

I noticed that there's no food on the coffee table. Nang tinignan ko ang sink ay wala ring used na gamit kaya baka hindi talaga nagdala ng pagkain si Mommy para sa mga bisita?

Anong impression ang ibibigay niya sa kanila? She could've prepared something...

Sumimangot ako at kumuha ng cookies sa counter. I placed it on the plate and made some orange juice. Napasulyap ako sa counter at nakitang wala ng cookies.

I'll bake again? Kaka-bake ko lang kanina, ah? Kainis talaga kapag may bisita...

"Meryenda po..." I softly trailed as I placed the tray on the table before standing beside the seat of my mother.

"Ciel..." Sinenyasan ako ni Mommy kaya yumuko ako.

"Po?"

She kneaded my back as she whispered behind my ear. "Can you act a bit more normal? Huwag ka ngang mahinhin masyado, nakakahiya sa bisita."

Parang binuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig. I stiffened. My fingers curled slightly at my sides, and I tried not to flinch.

"Opo," I mumbled, though my throat felt tight.

I heard a soft click as Cyan picked up a cookie. "Thank you," he politely said with his maarte voice.

I glanced at him, and our eyes met for half a second before I looked away. Napansin ko ang bahagyang pagkunot ng noo ng Mommy niya, pero agad din itong nawala nang ngumiti siya.

"Ang bait naman ng anak mo," she said, looking at me. "Mahinhin din."

I smiled, small and shy, but my mother let out a nervous laugh.

"Minsan lang naman kasi mahiyain, eh," she replied with her voice light but with a sharp edge only I could recognize. "Pinagsasabihan ko rin minsan. Lalaki pa rin naman 'yan, alam mo na ang ibig kong sabihin."

Cyan blinked then he kept glancing at me, then at his mother. His expression was unreadable, but his fingers stilled against the glass of juice he was holding. Parang gusto kong matunaw sa panahong iyon.

She doesn't need to point it out in front of someone. Nakakahiya na ganito ang sinasaniya patungkol sa 'kin. I just wish to lie down on my bed or be in my tree house since those places are less suffocating.

I stood straighter, trying to keep my voice from shaking. "Gusto niyo pa po ng juice?"

"No, thank you, anak," Cyan's mom declined gently as she raised her hand to stop me.

"Kuha ka ng upuan do'n sa kusina at dito ka maupo sa tabi ko," turo ni Mommy.

I nodded and grabbed a seat in the kitchen. I sat down with my legs together. I caught myself and quickly parted my legs, trying to sit how boys are 'supposed' to sit. My mother gave me a small approving nod, and I swallowed the knot in my throat.

"So, as I was saying, magiging magkapitbahay na tayo!" Cyan's mother glanced at me. "You can call me Tita Ariana, okay? Is that fine with you? Magkaklase kami ng Mommy mo noong college kami, kaya lagi kong kasama sa galaan!"

"Opo." Umayos ako ng upo at hinaplos ang buhok.

"This is Cyan, anak ko. Pareho kayo ng school, sa Prestige ka rin, 'di ba?"

"Opo..." I nodded and didn't bother glancing at Cyan.

"Anong course mo? Itong si Cyan kasi Fashion Design," she proudly endorsed.

"Architecture po yung course ko, second year na rin po," ani ko at ngumiti.

Mom strictly glanced at me. Ano bang mali sa sagot ko? Pati pagsabi ng po, ikakahinhin ko?

"Oh, mas matanda lang si Cyan sa iyo ng kaunti. Ibig sabihin pala nauna akong mabuntis kaysa sa 'yo, Olivia," tawa ni Tita Ariana.

Cyan rolled his eyes and bit a cookie as he raised a brow.

"Hindi naman kayo nahirapan sa paglipat?" tanong ni Mommy. "Ang daming inaayos ngayon dito sa lugar natin. Pero at least tahimik dito. Walang masyadong kabataan na kung anu-anong pinaggagagawa, 'di tulad sa iba na mga bastos pa kumilos, lalaki pero parang babae na kung makaporma."

Hindi na sana niya sinabi ang ganyan.

Biglang nanikip ang dibdib ko. Ramdam kong parang nanlamig ang hangin sa pagitan naming lahat. Medyo napawi ang ngisi ni Tita Ariana. Yumuko ako nang marinig ang mahinang tawa ni Cyan.

He looks confident with the way he sits. Na kahit alam kong pasimple ang pagpaparinig ni Mommy ay hindi siya naaapektuhan. He even crossed his arms and combed his hair to the back of his ear in a meticulous manner.

"Hindi naman, masaya ngang naglipat-bahay kami," ani Tita Ariana at kumagat ng cookies na nilalahad ng kaniyang anak.

"You're not bothered? With those people," ani Mommy na talagang interesado sa ganoong topic.

Tita Ariana shook her head. "Ang importante, mabuting tao. Kung paano kumilos o sino ang gusto niya, hindi na 'yon sukatan ng tama o mali. Basta may respeto siya sa kapwa at sa sarili, sapat na 'yun para sa 'kin."

Saglit na natahimik si Mommy. "Ah, gano'n ba?" Sabay tingin sa akin. "Iba-iba talaga ang paniniwala. Pero kami, conservative lang talaga. Lalo na sa simbahan, alam mo naman..."

"Syempre, naiintindihan ko 'yon," ani Tita Ariana na may diin. "Pero hindi rin natin puwedeng itulak ang mga anak natin sa isang anyo lang ng sa tingin ng lahat ay tama."

Parang lumakas ang tibok ng puso ko.

Si Cyan na sa unang pagkakataon mula kanina ay tumingin nang diretso sa akin. Hindi siya ngumiti. He looked like he was getting annoyed by the topic.

He maybe could sense that my mother is religious and homophobic.

Napalingon si Mommy sa akin. "Ah basta, ayoko lang ng kung anu-anong impluwensya. Lalo na ngayon, mahirap na. Kailangan ituro kung ano ang tama habang bata pa."

Napawi na ang ngisi ni Tita Ariana. Tumayo ako at nagpaalam sa kanila na magbabanyo lang. It was suffocating that instead of talking about their life lately, it was turned to something clashing between beliefs and unspoken accusations that leaves invisible bruises.

"Huwag ka masyadong dumikit-dikit diyan kay Cyan. Bakla 'yan," bulong ni Mommy noong makaalis ang bisita, napapangiwi pa ako dahil bumabaon ang kuko niya sa balat ko.

Napakagat ako sa loob ng pisngi ko. Hindi ako nagsalita, tumango lang ako kahit hindi ko alam kung saan ako sumasang-ayon.

"Delikado 'yang ganyan. Kung ako sa 'yo, umiwas-iwas ka na lang. Hindi ko naman kasi alam na ganyan pala 'yang anak ni Ariana," iling niya.

Tumango ulit ako at hindi na umimik. Kasi alam kong kahit anong sabihin ko, wala ring papatunguhan.

Delikado bang makipagkaibigan sa taong masaya sa sarili niya? Kung delikado ang ganyan, ibig bang sabihin niya delikado rin ako? Gusto kong tanungin si Mommy kung bakit kailangang matakot sa isang bagay na hindi naman nananakit. Pero hindi ko magawa dahil natatakot ako.

I decided not to dwell over it since it only drains my brain. Marami pa akong gagawin kaysa palaliman ang isang bagay na ilang beses nang inulit sa akin na huwag maging... bakla.

Annika:

How is it na? Take your time, ha! Just want to check the progress.

Ngumuso ako at nagtipa sa phone sabay sulyap sa nagkakalat na iba-ibang klase ng lapis sa kama ko.

Ciel:

Take your time pero nanghihingi na ng updates, haha. Ginagawa ko na pero tinatamad akong mag-update sa 'yo.

Bumuntong-hininga ako at tinignan ang mukha ni Cyan na hindi matapos-tapos. I feel like I'm having an art block because of what happened days ago. Up until now, there's been no progress.

Ang hirap gumawa kapag magulo yung isip. It's like every time I try to draw his eyes, I remember that moment in the living room. I tried to get it off my mind but it still lingers like a plague.

Art block isn't just about not knowing what to draw. Sometimes you know exactly what you want, but it's the feeling that won't let you do it.

I pressed the pencil tip a little harder than I should. The line came out too dark and heavy. I sighed and reached for the eraser. Then my phone buzzed with Anikka's name on it.

Anikka:

Uy. No rush, ha. Pero if gusto mong tumambay ulit or magdrawing date tayo, sabihan mo lang ako.

Napangiti ako kahit kaunti at tinago ang gawa ko para hindi lalo gumulo ang utak ko.

Maybe I just need that space somewhere I am not afraid of being seen that way. If there's one thing I learned about being an artist, it's about honoring what you feel about your art, and even when it doesn't make sense yet because you couldn't see the result that you want.

Hindi mo puwedeng pilitin ang sarili mong gumawa. Art sometimes is about release. You just have to let your fingers move without overthinking, trust the emotions behind every stroke— even if they're messy.

Sometimes, surrendering to that process is how you find yourself again through your art.

"Should I take a break?" bulong ko habang bumababa para pumunta sa kusina.

I nodded to myself, but inside I felt stuck like a bird with clipped wings. How do you let go when everything inside is tangled up in fear and frustration?

The truth is, I don't want to lose the part of me that still hopes for something different and something freer. But every time I try, there's that sharp whisper from my mother's words, from her judgments, and from the way the world expects me to be.

Sa garden ako dumiretso para magliwaliw.

"Pst!"

I ignored the call and continued watering the flowers. Hanggang bewang ko lang kasi yung bakod dito sa village namin, kaya hindi talaga maiiwasan na may magpapapansin sa 'yo.

"Ociel!" May naghagis pa ng bato sa paanan ko.

"Ano?" naiinis kong tanong nang inangat ko ang ulo para tignan si Cyan na ayos na ayos ang mukha kahit nasa bahay nila lang naman siya.

His tousled black hair like it was his bangs was peeking out under a cream-colored cap that has star designs. Nakasuot siya ng puting body con dress. His makeup is subtly polished with his pink lips.

Alam niyang maganda siya, eh, kaya ganyan.

"You didn't answer me last time. Are you a fan of mine?" marahan niyang tanong at pinitas ang bulaklak ko para lang ilagay sa likod ng kaniyang tenga.

Nanlaki ang butas ng ilong ko at hinigpitan ang hawak sa hose.

"Bakit mo pinitas? Hindi mo ba alam kung ilang buwan kong pinagtiyagaan 'yan," irita kong tanong at ipinagsalubong ang labi ko sa inis.

"What? It looks pretty on me." Ngumiti siya at tinignan ang sarili sa phone niya.

Nakuha pa niyang mag-selfie!

"Oo, maganda. Kaya nga pinapalaki ko nang maayos. Hindi para lang pitasin nang basta-basta."

"Wow. Sorry, I didn't think you'd get that pissed." Napangiwi siya at inayos ang cap niyang puro bituin. "You're so uptight. Bagay naman sa akin, ah? Gusto mo bang bilhan kita ng roses?" he muttered, almost teasing.

"Dapat binenta ka na lang."

"Sa 'yo?" He tilted his head and smiled.

Ang kapal...

"Total fan naman kita. Don't try to deny it because I basically and truly saw you watching my vlogs last time."

Tumawa ako ng mahina kahit irita na. "Naghahanap ako ng baho mo."

"Alam ko rin ang baho mo. It's up to you if you'll come out or remain in the closet. Coming out is not a race or a trend. When you're ready, you better serve that truth like a queen."

That was it. Wala akong sinabing kahit ano.
Hinila ko nang kaunti ang hose at sabay binuga ang tubig diretso sa kaniya.

He acted like he had the right to define my sexuality for me. At yung malala? He assumed he knew what I was just because he saw me watching his vlogs and using lip moisturizer. Parang sa utak niya, sapat na 'yung maliliit na bagay para ilagay ako sa isang kahon dahil lang sa nakita niya akong gano'n.

It's complicated, personal, and definitely not something for him to jump ahead on. Lalo na at hindi niya ako kilala.

Maarte man pakinggan, pero buhay ko 'to. Hindi pwedeng gawing laro ang pagkatao ko, o gawing trend lang na huhulaan base sa kung paano ako umupo o manood. You shouldn't get to put labels on someone just because you've already figured yours out.

"Ay!" Napa-atras siya nang matamaan ang mukha, dibdib, at isang gilid ng buhok niya dahilan para mahulog ang rosas ko. "Ociel! What the hell?!"

At ayoko lang na pangunahan ako. Na parang sapat na ang nakita niya para sabihin kung sino ako. Minsan, hindi mo kailangang marinig ang katotohanan mula sa iba. Lalo na kung iniingatan mo pa siyang tanggapin sa sarili mo.

"Bakit, 'di ba bagay din sa'yo ang wet look?" I turned off the hose and crossed my arms.

Napatulala siya, hawak-hawak ang basa niyang damit. Mukha siyang basang sisiw na maganda naman tignan. He could even pose, but I guess he's too shocked to even think about that.

"You're crazy," he gasped as he was half-laughing in disbelief.

"Yeah? And you're annoying," I replied sarcastically.

"Hindi mo kailangang gawin 'to!" tili niya na ikinairap ko. "I was just asking and I didn't know that it would turn out this way! Tinatanong ko lang kung fan kita!"

Ganyan ba ang nagtatanong? Umabot na sa puntong personal? I almost scoffed.

"Hindi ako mahilig sa gano'n. Nakakairita ka ngang panoorin," saad ko at tinalikuran siya.