(This '~/~' means flashback for the earlier part of the day)

(PS- Saviour's by Black Veil Brides is on help me)

I don't even know who I can trust anymore. I honestly don't. I thought I could trust Phil...but it turns out, I know nothing about him. I don't even know if I can trust my own sister anymore.

The worst part? They never told me anything. I had to see it with my own eyes and for myself. I don't think they were ever going to tell me.

Ever.

But, they just go on all happy like it doesn't even matter. Mainly because I am too god damn good at masking my feelings. It came with many years of practice although it's not the best character trait in some situations.

One lie leads to another lie. Think before you lie. If the consequences don't seem to phase you, go right ahead and lie.

That appears to be my new modo. It's quite a good one for a person like me if I do say so myself. I don't really know the extent of my thoughts right now...at least not with almost a full bottle of whiskey in my hands.

Oh yeah, that happened too. I re-lapsed. Nothing much really. I'm just surprised that I'm not getting drugged up with Ryan and jumping on him like I used to. Ah yes, the days where getting hurt felt so numb. Now I have feelings again and like before, I feel pathetic having them.

Feelings. Who needs feelings? Not me. Love? A bunch of bullshit. That's right, love is a bunch of cow poop. I'm 17, I don't need love. Although I have a burning desire to claim something like it, I can live just fine without the toxic emotion.

You're probably wondering how I got into this state of mind or, the huge mistake I made earlier. The mistake, trying to make things work with Phil and going to his house without notice. What got me into this state of mind? Boy oh boy you are in for a ride.

~/~

I guess I could make things work. What have I got to lose? Nothing.

Except Phil.

That little voice in the back of my head keeps telling me everything awful about the situation I'm in. If I'm honest, I'm tempted to put a bullet in my head just to shut it up.

My hands clench into fists and unclench as I sit on a bench in front of the school. Maybe I should go over to Phil's place. He seemed awfully fine in class as I was once again masking everything with a bright smile. If Phil actually was concerned, he'd realize that I'm not alright. That I'm hurting.

He just doesn't care.

This is what I'm talking about. Phil does care about me. Of course he does...right? See, if I truly believed he did care I wouldn't be questioning it.

Screw it, I'm going to Phil's house. My brain can say whatever it wants. I'm not listening. I'll let my adrenaline take me where it wants to be and that's with Phil. I'll kiss him again for the hell of it because I don't give a flying fuck anymore. None.

~

I use the house key Phil gave me and unlock the door and I can't believe I went from cuddling Phil to almost hating him. Yet, I still love him no matter how much I deny it...

I cautiously walk through the front of his house and I remember when I wasn't scared to let myself in. It was a normal thing. It's amazing how much my mind can change with just a few actions of a certain boy.

My eyes dart towards a familiar purse and my heart instantly drops, making me lose my balance from the shock.

What...?

How...?

Why...?

Why?

Why?

Why?

I sprint over to the living room and my legs go limp but I prop myself up against the wall. The sight of Phil kissing a girl and staring at her with happiness is imprinted in my mind.

Forever.

"Jamie?" I say in disbelief, not being able to keep quite.

She pushes Phil away and they both stare at me, cheeks burning red. At least Jamie's are. Phil just looks down like the horrible human being he is. He knows that Jamie's my sister. He knows.

"I-I-I-" I take in a deep breath to help calm my heartbeat, "I didn't realize that you two w-where a thing..." I trail off, the image still vividly in my head.

Jamie bites her lip and glances over at Phil before looking back over at me, "I-I'm sorry that you had to find out like this."

"Me too...but you're not the one who should be feeling guilty." I coldly say and glare at Phil.

How could he?

"What do you mean?" Jamie questions and looks between Phil and I.

"It's nothing. I just want to speak with Phil for a moment." I quietly say as tears fill my eyes.

Jamie nods and Phil slowly gets up, averting eye contact. He walks up to me and I tightly grab his wrist, dragging him outside and slamming the door shut.

"How?" I whisper, "Were you ever going to tell me? How long have you been dating her?"

Phil flinches at me tone but stands up straighter, making himself taller than usual. Taller than me, "Actually...I wasn't planning on telling you until later on but you weren't supposed to find out like this."

"Oh so I see, just one big huge secret from little ol' Danny Boy over here! The fuck up who can't contain a good friendship for shit." I hiss.

"Dan I-"

"I'm just confused as to why all of the girls that you could've had, you chose my sister. My sister Phil. My little sister and my flesh and blood. You might as well just be prancing around with me on your shoulder instead."

"Dan..."

"I'm not finished." I snap, "I've kept in all that I've felt for ages and I'm going to let them all out right now. Of course not all of them and a few are going to be lies and if you actually did care about me, it'd be easy to pick the truth out of the lies."

"Dan!" Phil shouts, snapping me out of my tempered state, "If you want to know how long I've been with Jamie, it's been for quite a while. About a week after the first day of school."

"What?" I say in disbelief, "So, what you're saying is that you kissed me and acted all buddy buddy with me while you two were a thing. You cheated on your own girlfriend with her brother?!"

"We both agreed that was a mistake and that we felt nothing."

"That's exactly right. It was a mistake. One of the biggest mistakes that I sure as hell ever made."

"You're not acting right." Phil quietly says, finally showing some emotion.

"And what do you mean by that? You know nothing about me."

"I know that Dan wouldn't be so aggressive." He whispers and stands closer to me but I step further away.

"The Dan you thought you knew was an act. This is the real Dan." I point to myself.

"No." Phil shakes his head, "No it's not. This Dan, is the Dan from 2 years ago."

"Well maybe that Dan never went away and he was just hiding."

"I honestly don't believe that. That Dan was long gone and you're purposely digging him back up."

I sigh and rub my temples, "Maybe you're right. I'm starting to let go. I'm not having as many personalities checks as I used to to make sure that I'm not the tempered person I was. I'm sorry for that but it's hard, okay? It's hard. No, I don't need your help. I don't want anymore pity. I'm just so confused with so many questions."

"What are your questions?" Phil calmly asks, instantly calming me down with his soft eyes and quite tone.

"Does Jaxon like Jamie?" This seems to be the only question concerning me right now, "Is he comfortable around her?" I add.

Phil sighs and leans his shoulder against the door, "He's still very shy around her but that's it."

I nod and thickly swallow. Holding back all of the emotions that dare to spew out of my mouth right now.

And now, for a big lie. The consequences seem non-existent.

"I'm honestly happy for you and Jamie and I really hope your relationship lasts. Now go back inside and be with her. I give you the big brother approval." I smile, whipping up an act.

Phil still has a look of uncertainty but decides to take the bait and smiles, "Thanks Dan. Please...don't do anything stupid."

"I won't, don't worry."

Lie lie lie.

I forgot the rush of adrenaline I get when I lie. I should do it more often. Phil tightly hugs me and I barely hug him back, not wanting much of any physical contact with the blue eyed boy in front of me.

"I'll see you later, Phil." I smile as we pull apart and walk away from him.

It's not until I get further down the road that I hear his door finally close. He was watching as I walked away. How sweet.

Maybe I should start hanging out with Mathew. He seems pretty nice. Well, Phil seemed pretty nice as well. At least I literally have nothing to lose this time if I go for it. It's settled then, I know who I'm talking to tomorrow.

~

My hands find the cold marble countertop and I push myself up and onto it. As I sit on my knees, I reach up and grab the handle to a cabinet, opening it up. I grasp onto a familiar glass bottle and a sad smile escapes my frowning face.

It's my stash- no one knows about it. It's the only content that contains alcohol in this house. Of course, I've tried to get drunk off of liquid cough medicine but it just never seems to do the trick. It takes too long and doesn't taste like sadness and satisfaction unlike real alcohol.

I take the bottle of whiskey down and crawl of the counter, walking over to the kitchen table. As it still rests in my hands, I stare intently at it. Like my mind's still deciding if I should waste everything. It was going to happen sooner or later and I can't possibly hold back an urge as strong as this one.

I even struggle holding back the urge to be with Phil.

It'll just be one bottle and a one night thing, nothing major. Everyone has a bottle of whiskey every now and then...right? I've done this a million times. I know what I'm doing.

Before I know it, I'm ripping the plastic off of the top of the bottle and unscrewing the cap. I take one last look at it and place it to my lips, throwing my head back and squeezing my eyes shut as the disgusting liquid touches my lips.

1

2

3

4

5

I put down the bottle and fall back against the wall, putting my head in my hands. The tears finally beginning to fall again. I'm surprised that it took this long for me to break down.

2 years, broken and wasted. Snapped in half.

There's no going back now.

~/~

Now I'm here, ignoring the multiple knocks erupting from my annoying door. Somehow, the door explodes open and I'm blinded by the bright light from outside.

"Dan?" I hear PJ call from the door, "Holy shit!" He shouts and I hear two pairs of feet rushing over to me, slamming the door shut behind him.

My groggy eyes open up at the touch of two people near me. Kneeling down to me to be exact. Wait, when did I go onto the floor? I thought I was still in a chair...

PJ takes his hand and removes my fringe from my face with a light smile, "You're going to be fine, okay? Chris and I will help you." He whispers with tears in his eyes.

Help? Help with what? I'm fine. Yet I'm not fine. I can't move my body and I can't speak. Why can't I move? Why can't I speak? What's happening?

"Chris' calling the ambulance. They should be here soon. Just focus on breathing." PJ delicately places his hand on my chest and over my heart, "You can breathe with me, okay?"

I'm breathing just fine. I don't need to go to the hospital. I just need to move and speak but I can't.

"How is he?" Chris asks.

I want to look over at him but I can't. My head won't move. It's like I'm paralyzed. Am I paralyzed?

You know the state you're rarely in when you wake up but you can't do anything? You know you're surroundings and you know that people are around you but you can't move or say anything. You're stuck. You try to thrash around, scream for help even. Sometimes, it comes to the point where you get so prettified that you forget to breathe. Yet, to the outside world it just looks like you're peacefully sleeping so they don't bother to help no matter how many times you try to scream their name.

That's the state I'm in and I want to get out. I want to MOVE. I want to SPEAK. I want to easily BREATHE. I want to see Phil and NEVER LET GO because no matter how many times I say I don't love him and I don't want to see him ever again, there's always a part of me that will go crawling back to him the second I can.

Speaking of Phil, why isn't he here? Why isn't he by my side? He's supposed to be with me. No, I don't mean in a boyfriend way I mean as a friend.

"Danny...you still with us?" Chris whispers from next to me, "Why isn't he responding?" Chris cries with terror.

"I-I don't know b-but he's fine. Dan...Dan keep breathing, please. Don't stop now." PJ says, a bit calmer than Chris. I'm sure that I've been like this in front of him before since I met him first.

Oh yeah...breathing. I do all I can to force the air to fill and leave my lungs. As I do so, I notice PJ letting out a sigh of relief.

"Good. Just keep doing that...okay?"

I hear a clicking sound, making PJ and Chris quickly looking towards the front door. Their faces fall when they seem to see who it is. Who is it? Is it Phil? Please be Phil.

Please.

I hear crying but it's not coming from Chris or PJ. Who is it? It must be Phil then but he doesn't seem to walk over. Did he collapse? As my eyes are fixated on the direction of the front, I feel two hands lightly touch my cheeks and snake down my neck, under my shirt slightly and to my collarbones.

I look up and I'm met with the blue eyed boy that triggered me to do what I did but...I'm not mad. He doesn't know that he's the person who caused this. I said that I was fine. I lied...and that lie got me to where I am right now.

"Dan." He croaks.

I just now notice how dull the blue of his eyes are and that his cheeks are wet. So he was the person that was crying. He still cares about me.

Then, something happens. I didn't even think it just...came out, "Ph...Ph-Ph-" The word's unable to form but at least it's something.

This makes Phil's eyes brim with tears again and he buries his head in my shoulder, hands still under my shirt and on my collarbones.

My eyes wander around and I see that Jamie has come as well. She takes a hold of my hand and holds it to her chest, tears falling down her cheeks, "Oh god." She whispers.

I would cry too...if I remembered how to. My eyes then wander over to Chris who's next to Jamie then PJ. Shock clearly etched onto their faces.

"H-He spoke." PJ stutters out.

All I said was almost Phil's name. It's not like I said a whole sentence. All I can feel is Jamie's hands grasping my one hand and Phil's tears running down from my shoulder to my back.

"S...S...St-Sto....Sto-p" I squeeze out of my throat, barely audible.

"Stop? Stop what?" Chris asks as Phil begins to trace circles onto my prominent collarbones, his head still buried into my shoulder.

I concentrate with all my might and use all of my strength and will power to slightly nudge my head into the crook of Phil's neck hoping one of them will get the message.

Somehow, PJ instantly understands what I'm trying to do, "Phil, stop crying. Dan doesn't want you to cry."

Phil's breathing slows but he continues to trace my collarbones with his fingers. I don't understand why. Is it a communication thing? His way of calming down? His way of calming me down? What? All I know is that I'm a little less scared with Phil by my side and that's all that matters.

I hear quick knocking at my down and Chris instantly jumps up, sprinting. I hear a quick exchange of words and then multiple footsteps enter along with a certain sound that I can't make out.

Phil's hands leave my lower neck and I instantly feel scared again. What if he leaves me? He can't leave me. Phil! Phil please don't let them take me! Phil!

I feel liquid falling down my cheeks and I only realize what it is when the liquid tastes like salt.

Tears.

I'm crying.

"He's scared." Phil panics.

"How do you know that he's scared?" Jamie asks.

"Because I just know." He quickly shoots.

I'd smile at him if I could.

I'm grabbed by multiple hands and hoisted up on a surface seems to be a table with wheels. Oh...it's a stretcher. I'm going to hospital? What's going on?! I want answers!

I notice Phil glance over at something on the table in the front of the room and he looks back over at me with an expression of disappointment and horror. What is it? My eyes struggle to look where Phil saw the object that made him the way he is.

My heart drops as I see the empty bottle of whiskey.

Oh yeah. I completely forgot about that.

"I'm going with him." Phil quickly says.

"I'm sorry sir, you can't come with-"

"I am going with him." He firmly says.

The man sighs, "Fine but only you. We can't have more than one person."

~

"Has he spoken at all?" A man asks, gesturing towards me.

"He's said about 2 words but it appeared to be difficult."

The man nods and gets out a needle. No no no. No needles please. I don't like needles. I'm petrified of them. Phil's hand carefully slides into mine and I look over at him.

The needle passes the multiple layers of skin and I squeeze my eyes shut, letting out a slight whimper and mentally cursing myself for being such a wimp. The needle must be for an IV since they keep it in the bend of my right arm.

"Do you know why he's like this?"

Phil looks down at me with a concerned look and rubs my hand with his thumb, "He had too much to drink..."

"And how much do you mean be too much?"

Phil sighs and looks away from me, "By too much I mean a whole bottle of whiskey."

The medic looks appalled at Phil and pushes on, "What would cause him to drink like that?"

"I don't know. I honestly don't know." Phil glances at me before continuing, "We had a small argument earlier a-and I-I don't know I might've done something to trigger it but I-I don't know what." Tears brim his eyes again and I want nothing more than to wipe them away.

The medic sighs, "Okay. I won't ask you anymore questions now."

Phil nods and I notice my eyes beginning to get droopy, much like I'm drunk.

"You tired?" Phil whispers as the medic goes to the front of the truck.

I somehow muster up the ability to nod, making Phil lightly smile at me as he removes me floppy fringe out of my eyes that I really need to cut.

"Then go to sleep. Nothing's holding you back."

I nod and my eyes slowly close, a deep darkness consuming. The last thing I see are Phil's eyes which are still very dull.

What happened to the color they obtained not so long ago...?

~

(Btw, Dan has early 2013 hair which was quite long ngl but I loved it)

Yeah, um, hi. This took an unexpected turn as I was writing. I did not expect this chapter to be so BAM DANNY'S IN A PARALYZED-LIKE STATE AND EVERYONE'S CRYING LA LA LA LA.

I did plan out the whole Crush x Sister kind of thing to happen so...oops.

But I feel really but for Dan awh no baby ily.

GiVe DaN sOmE eNcOuRaGiNg WoRdS iN tHe CoMmEnTs aS hE gOeS tHrOuGh ThIs ToUgH tImE!!!1!1!1! -J