"Hey." I whisper with a light smile playing across my face as I walk into the kitchen.

"Hey." Phil says in a monotone voice and stares at his cup of coffee.

I walk over to Phil and make my own coffee, standing closer to him than usual if that's even possible. Phil and I grab for a sugar at the same time, our hands lightly brushing against each other's.

I smile over at Phil but he doesn't look my way. He just puts the sugar in his coffee and makes no acknowledgement to me.

"You okay...?" I cautiously ask, my happiness slowly fading.

"I'm fine." He coldly says.

"Obviously you aren't." I snap at him and furrow my brows together.

"Dan I'm fine." He firmly says.

I scoff and roll my eyes, "Is it about last nigh-"

"Don't."

I flinch and let out a quite whimper, "Sorry." I whisper and look down as I mentally curse myself for getting my hopes up.

"Did you feel...anything?" I cautiously question with fear, squeezing my eyes shut as I await his answer.

Please say yes. All I want is for you to say yes.

"...No." My grasp tightens on the mug to the point that my knuckles turn white.

Well then.

I'm an idiot. I'm a complete and utter idiot. I'm so stupid. How could anyone ever love me? It's almost impossible when I'm just a annoying and bubbly prick. I don't know why but this makes me a little pissed off.

I'm mad at Phil for teasing me.

I'm mad at Phil for messing with my emotions.

I'm mad at my self for letting him control my emotions so easily.

"Good." I finally say and immediately regret my words, "I didn't...feel anything either." I completely look away from Phil now.

"Really?"

"Really. I'm honestly glad that you don't like me. It'd feel awkward, y'know?" I finally look back over at Phil with a almost scared expression.

"Yeah..." He pauses and bites his bottom lip, "Let's just forget about last night. It was a mistake."

You sure do make a lot of mistakes, don't you?

"Sounds good. I'm going to go home now. Tell Jaxon that I say bye when he wakes up."

I quickly rush out of the kitchen and grab my bag, jogging out of the house and down the street.

~

I feel unwanted. I feel unneeded. I thought that I could live easily with the thought of Phil never liking me back.

I was wrong, so very wrong.

We were supposed to become a thing. Not make another awkward moment in our friendship. Why do I even try? There's no point in even trying anymore. Let Phil be Phil.

"Dan, you home?" My sister opens up my bedroom door and peaks her head inside.

"Obviously." I mutter with my arms crossed.

Jamie sighs and walks over to my bed, sitting down on the edge near my feet, "What happened?"

I let out a sound of frustration and run my fingers through my fringe, making it curl, "It's nothing important. I'm just...confused."

"Now we both know that that's not a good thing. C'mon, you can tell me. I'm your sister." She smiles.

"Okay...it may be a little tmi." I warn her but she just awaits for me to keep going, "Well, um, last night Phil and I h-had a...moment together."

Jamie's face contorts into confusion, "What do you mean by that?"

"It means that we had a small make out session." I squeak and burry my head in my knees.

A long silence fills the room before Jamie speaks up, "So are you and Phil a thing?"

"No no no! Not at all."

Jamie nods, "Do you like him?"

I pick at my fingernails for a minute as I think of my answer.

Do I really like Phil?

Yes, you love him.

Is there a point in loving Phil?

...No.

Should you love him?

No.

Is it okay to love him?

Probably not.

Then you shouldn't love him.

"I don't like him." I say, my throat drying as the well known lie passes my lips. At least I know it's a lie.

It may be awful to love Phil but, it's not gonna stop me from feeling this way internally. I just can't feel this way externally. Which means some distance. No more 'Talking with Phil 24/7'. No more 'Talking about Phil'. No more 'Doing everything with Phil'. We're mutual friends. Friends. That's all people need to know. Plus, I have Chris and PJ. I'll start hanging out with them more. Even though I'm a bit of a third wheel.

"Then I don't see the problem." Jamie says.

I sigh, "It just makes things awkward..."

"I'm sure you two will work it out and your friendship will be back to normal in no time."

I nod but ignore her words. For once, Jamie's wrong.

"Well, I'm going to leave you alone now. I'm going out."

"Where are you going?" I ask.

She smiles and blushes, "You wouldn't want to know."

"Oh...oh."

"Yeah..." She giggles and stands up, "See you later Danny."

"Bye Jamie." I sadly say as she walks out of my room, a slight skip to her step.

At least Jamie found someone.

~

Maybe I could ring Chris and PJ to cure my boredom. I still don't want to talk to Phil...no thank you. That's not gonna be for about a week, maybe longer. I guess I can't really avoid him during school. There goes my plan of hiding from Phil. I could stay home but that'd just show that something's wrong.

I'll just have to suck it up and face Phil tomorrow. I guess I can put up with him.

My hands find my phone in the bundle of duvet on my bed and I scroll through my contact. I find Phil's contact (Phil [Sunshine] <3) and click on the contact information to edit it, changing his name.

New Name: Phil Lester

Previous Name: Phil [Sunshine] <3

I instantly feel guilty for changing it but push those feelings aside and finally decide to ring Chris.

"What up shit face?" Chris asks from his end of the call and I let out a light laugh.

"Nothing much."

"No comeback? Oh god. What has happened to our Dan?"

Another hollow laugh follows, "The same Dan is still here you little shit."

"There we go." I know that Chris is smiling.

"Anyway, I was just wondering if you and PJ would want to come over?"

"Did I just hear that correctly?" PJ shouts.

"Chris, am I on speaker phone?" I groan.

"Maybe." He chuckles, "But forget that, why don't you have Phil come over?"

"Not to sound rude or anything. We're just...surprised." PJ adds.

I sigh and feel tears stinging my eyes, "It's complicated." I choke out and curse myself for being so pathetic.

"We're coming over right now." PJ says with a serious tone and ends the call, leaving me in my quite room with my quite thoughts.

~

"Dan? Dan, open up." Chris' voice calls out from behind my front door.

Maybe if I just stay here, they'll leave. I regret calling them. Now that they've finally come, I just want to be alone. I got out of my room and everything for them to come over but now all I want is to go back to it.

"We know you're ignoring us. Just, come on. Talking to us can't possibly make things worse."

I let out a loud sigh and pick myself off of the sofa and towards the door with my head hanging low. I open the door and Chris and PJ quickly come rushing in, closing it behind them. Their arms instantly wrap around me for one big group hug but I don't hug back. I don't want to hug anyone.

They finally let go of me and I'm filled with joy by that, "What happened with you and Phil? Did he hurt you? I swear if he did I will-" I cut PJ off.

"He didn't hurt me." I snap.

PJ jumps back a bit by my outburst and Chris just stares at me with a concerned look, "He did do something to you. There's no denying that. It's too obvious but...what did he do...?" Chris scrunches his face up while in the process of thinking.

"Chris, stop."

"Well, if you're not going to tell us, then we have to find out ourselves." He defends.

"Okay, You wanna know? You want to fucking know?" I squint as I say the last sentence.

"Yes, actually." PJ pipes up.

"Fine. You know how I like Phil?"

"You mean how you're madly in love." Chris smirks, trying to be funny.

I give him a death stare and he clears his throat, "Exactly." I confess, not denying my feelings. Their eyes widen but I continue, "Well...uh...last night we kinda..."

"Oh my god." Chris' mouth hangs open, "He didn't...?"

"Yes, yes he did. He kissed me. Not just once, oh no. He kissed me quite a few times and no, it wasn't just a few pecks either."

"I don't see the problem. You like him and he likes you. Just hook up already." PJ simply says.

I let out a whine, "Here's the thing, he doesn't actually like me. This morning I tried to talk about it but he just got all mad and told me that he felt nothing..."

PJ and Chris' eyes soften as I speak, "What did you tell him?" PJ quietly asks.

"I agreed with him. I said that I felt nothing either."

Chris shakes his head, "That was a bad move."

"Why? It's not like I actually have a chance with him. I don't even think he's gay." I look down and fumble with my jumper's sleeve.

"Then why would he make a move?"

"I don't know!" I shout, my voice high pitched, "Anyway...I think he's seeing someone else."

"Wait wait wait, hold up. So that little prick makes a very heavy move on you while he's already in a relationship?" Chris exclaims with anger.

"I guess so but, I'm not actually sure if he's with anyone."

"Then why do you think he is?" PJ asks in deep thought.

"Well, yesterday in the kitchen, he was texting someone with a wide smile on his face but, it wasn't just your regular 'oh I'm so happy!' smile. There was something else behind it that I quite can't pinpoint. Also, as soon as he saw me, he turned it off."

"Could've been porn." Chris shrugs.

"Phil doesn't like that kinda of stuff. He wouldn't watch it anyway."

"Well why not? He's a grown man."

Because Jaxon's in the house.

"Reasons that you won't understand." At least I'm not lying.

"Alright then but, I think you may be right. No matter how shitty it is, there's a big possibility that your 'theory' is correct." PJ sadly explains, making my mood go down even more.

"Exactly." I choke.

Chris and PJ wrap their arms around me again, "Why am I always attracted to the guys that are either taken or just simply awful?" I sadly ask.

Chris sighs, "I don't know mate. You'll find a better guy though."

"I really thought that we had something. I wish you could've seen him change around me. It was amazing. He went from the little shit in class to the almost more than friend." I pause and thickly swallow, "The smiles we shared. The memories we shared. He almost kissed me once before but, we got interrupted. We acted like a couple but it never did and isn't going to go anywhere."

"You can start hanging out with Mathew, you know?" PJ suggests as they let go of me.

"I don't want to though. I'd feel bad for replacing him like that..."

"Do what you want to do. Do you want to play video games to keep your mind off of things?" Chris asks.

I shake my head, "I honestly just want to be alone right now."

"Okay. Just ring PJ and I if you wanna talk. Don't feel like afraid to." I nod and they make their way out of my house.

My body falls to the ground as soon as they leave, curling up into a ball on the hard wood floor. Tears begin to stream down my face but I don't cry. It's like I don't remember how to cry. I'm numb.

And I'm honestly glad about that.

~

SORRY THAT THIS IS SO BAD. THE NEXT CHAPTER SHOULD BE BETTER AND LONGER. -J