"You don't love me."

"Yes of course I do. " He reassured, gently running his fingers through a lock of my hair.

"Why do you even bother?" I insisted again.

"Kira, stop overthinking this and get ready. We're going out for dinner." He answered gently again. I asked these same questions to him four-five times every day and he reassured me in the same gentle tone each time.

I felt bad for annoying him like this but I had genuinely been so confused lately. It was hard for me to believe that the one I fell in love with loved me back. Stuff like that only happened in stories. Moreover, I had still not stopped coughing up petals even though the intensity had receded a bit.

"It takes time to get cured of a serious illness like this. " He had explained to me. Yet the doubt in my mind refused to go away. Everything happened so quickly it seemed impossible.

He placed his hand on top of mine from across the table breaking my state of pensiveness. I looked up and found him smiling at me. It took me back to the time when I had first seen him smile in his office. I had always wanted to know what it was like to be at the receiving end of that caring, genuine smile but now that it was happening I had a hard time believing it was genuine and not out of pity for a dying woman.

"You're doing it again. Stop worrying so much. Just trust me. " He spoke these words so effortlessly that for a moment I felt convinced, and happy and free, but not long before the sense of doubt creeped up again.

I still worked as his secretary. I had no reason to leave especially since my art career was taking its sweet time to jump back from the depths of failure.

I still carried his files to him the same way as before. Knock on the door, wait for his reply, walk in. Except now when I walked in I wasn't met with cold indifference, there was a welcoming warmth for me in the atmosphere. I was wanted there more than ever before. Or at least he made an effort to make it seem so.

I flopped the files down on his desk. Before I could say anything, a coughing fit took over my voice. He immediately looked up at me in worry and offered his handkerchief. I took it and returned to my place. I hid it away in my desk drawer discreetly. No one knew about the events that had transpired between us or what relationship we shared now other than boss- employee.

"It's nobody's business." He had confidently declared when the topic had arisen.

At night, when I stayed up in front of my computer desperately trying to draw something properly, the feeling of doubt strengthened and engulfed me entirely. It was all I could think of when he wasn't there to disprove them and reassure me.

What if he never finds anything in me that can make him fall in love. Will it be too late by then to do anything? Will I die? I was stuck in a limbo and I couldn't figure what to do. He always told me he loved me but how come I found it so hard to believe?

When he had swiftly decided that evening in his office that he wanted to get to know me, for a moment I had thought this was the end of my suffering. The coughing had subsided for a while after that, although never cured. Lately, I felt it growing again. The frequency of these coughing fits and the number of petals seemed to have increased again.

"Why are you doing this? Just let me go. What does it matter?" I said dejectedly.

"It's not true. " He kissed me, "You do matter to me." He kissed me again as if the second time would do the charm and I'd be convinced.

It wasn't all in vain though. I realised something in that moment. He really wants to save me; it's just that he's failing. He doesn't want to admit it but I can tell so easily. After all it's impossible to fall in love on a deadline.

He tries his best to take care of me, to get to know me, to appreciate me but all of his efforts hinge on the fact that he can't make himself fall in love with me so fast or if ever. He thinks saying it over and over again would make it true. When he reassures me, he is reassuring himself in the process. He is the kind of person who would think more than twice before even smiling in somebody's general direction yet for some reason he has taken it upon himself to cure me.

I sound ungrateful but it is far from the truth. I didn't want to doubt him, I wanted to believe in him wholeheartedly but I was struggling just like he was. I wish I could put my worries aside and simply bask in the bliss of being close to him but no matter what I did I kept failing too.

One night a coughing fit woke me up. It was the biggest one I had had so far. I felt like I was about to cough my organs out. I instinctively covered my mouth as usual as I tried to grasp my breath. I couldn't compose myself for a couple minutes and I thought I'd have to call the emergency number. Eventually I caught hold of myself and calmed down but when I looked down at the palm that covered my mouth, I was taken with shock.

Several blood soaked petals rested on my palm, weighed down by the dampness.

My eyes widened in horror as I sat frozen, staring at the wall ahead of me. I never thought it would come to this so soon. With teary eyes I decided that the time for efforts was up.

The following day I told Gouenji everything that happened the previous night. His face fell and he remained standing quietly for a while. Then suddenly, he pulled me in a hug in one quick motion. He exhaled sharply before he began speaking,

"I'm so sorry I put you in danger. What was I thinking? This isn't a game I can win just by willpower. Your life is at stake. " He spoke next to my ear as he continued to hug me tightly.

"What are you sorry for. You didn't do anything wrong. You only tried to make things right." I looked up at him, wearing a smile despite my misty eyes betraying my cover.

For the first time since I had known him, he looked defeated. It pained me to see that expression on his face but nothing I could say could make him feel better. I slowly backed away from his hold and walked away.

He insisted on going to the Doctor's with me but I refused, telling him I won't be able to go through with it with him beside me. He complied that time but on the day of the actual surgery he showed up regardless.

I hugged him one last time. I tried to look at him through the eyes of the version of me who loved him dearly, one last time, but thick tears fogged my vision and prevented it from happening. Before I knew it, I was crying out loud, without any stopping. He enwrapped me in his arms like a warm protective blanket.

"I love you so much. Right now, in this moment, I love you so much. " I managed to say between tears.

He remained quiet as if he was out of words. After all, what could he say that would change the course of destiny. Lying doesn't work.

I quieted down a little and began walking away with the nurse to guide me. I looked back at him and found him in deep thought as if trying to figure something out. He then seemed to have an epiphany and next moment he turned his gaze towards me swiftly and opened his mouth to say something but he held himself back.

The surgery was successful. It did not cause any extra distress on me other than the basic recovery period. After two days, I was back home and resting. Many of my colleagues visited me during this time, although never knowing the true cause of my illness. They did not care anyway, they were just content with the fact that I was not dead.

Then one day my boss showed up. He smiled faintly when he looked at me but I sensed a hint of sadness in it and I didn't know why. I did not ponder over it for too long chalking it up to hallucinations due to the side effects of my medicines.

He sat down on the couch near the one I was sprawled on with my blanket. I was sitting up at the moment with my pillow supporting my back. He fidgeted and glanced back and forth between me and the ground for a while. I continued to watch everything with interest. The last time I remembered seeing him was in his office stoically reading documents. This was a brand new experience for me.

"How are you feeling now?" He began in the most restrained and formal voice. I didn't understand why was he fidgeting for this.

"I'm better today. " I answered politely. He remained quiet for a while after that staring at me with a mixture of feelings, helplessness among them, to my surprise.

Next moment he suddenly took my hand in his, "I am so glad you're okay. I was so worried for you. " I did not expect this which resulted in me gasping faintly.

He immediately let go then, and calmly apologised, "Oh I suppose this is inappropriate now. "

Strangely enough, I found myself feeling disappointed as he let go. I wanted him to hold my hand again and I didn't know why. The warmth that touched my ice cold palm felt vaguely familiar, oddly comforting.

"Can you do that again, please?" I said hesitantly, despite my cheeks heating up. He looked at me in surprise.

"It felt nice." I said as I extended my hand towards him and he hastily took them in his, his face dripping delight.