"And then she called Irina's parents herself to tell them the news," Rubi exclaims, exasperated. "With the way Mom's been acting, you'd think we just told her that we're going to get married."

I laugh, the sound beginning as a soft squeeze in my stomach before it floats out of my throat. It's times like these that the curt voice in my head usually begins it's chiding — is this the time to be laughing? — and then my lungs tighten, my smile begins to tremble, my cheeks start to hurt, but I can't remember to be afraid of any of that right now. Heart growing to fill out my chest, I look out at the daily scene of students strolling into our school gates, the pleasant thrum of faraway voices in my ear, and wow, it's so easy now. Everything is so easy now.

Rubi smiles up at me, her cheeks flushed pink from the cold. "She's very excited to meet you, by the way. You have been warned."

I shake my head, still laughing. "I'm looking forward to it, she seems delightful," I say honestly.

"Delightful is one way to put it." A cool breeze ruffles our hair as we walk, and Rubi's eyes return to the school building before us, voice fading to a whisper. "I just...I can't believe it all worked out okay. In the end. I'm so...so grateful."

"Yeah," I say, my smile tightening across the lump in my throat. I know that I should have been there for her, when things got hard. To hold her hand through it all, instead of shutting myself inside walls of empty ambition. I've been selfish, and I see that now. I've hurt her, and I've hurt Ren, and no, nothing could be worth that, but all Rubi seems to care about is that I'm here with her now, so I'm going to try to focus on that. I have to be a good friend to her. "Me too."

"Let's get through these exams together, yeah?" she says as we step into the building, side by side.

I let out a soft breath, and nod. "And we can do something fun afterwards."

She quickly brightens. "Yes! Let's go get some ice cream again! If Ren and Irina are okay with that."

"Ice cream sounds great," I agree, smiling. "There's this place I walk by every week on the way to the grocery store that I've been wanting to visit. It seems like..." I trail off, abruptly going still, and Rubi tilts her head at me, confused, before she spins around to see what I'm looking at. "Ah," she sings, patting me on the arm once, before stepping away. "I'm going to go look for Irina now," she says when I turn towards her again, attempting to get my breathing to resume. "Good luck." She winks, turning her back on me.

I briefly smile to myself before letting my gaze wander back towards the shoe lockers.

Ren.

I close my eyes against the cramp in my heart, and when I open them again, he's still there, crouching on the floor to reach the lower level of the lockers, clumsily attempting to stuff his shoes into the space, and the familiar sight of his back makes me feel all sorts of unimaginable things.

Slowly, I walk towards him, stopping before his hunched form just as he straightens to slam his locker shut.

"Fuck!" he gasps, stumbling backwards from surprise when he catches me looming over him, and I stiffen a little at the sound of his voice. He's sitting completely on the ground now, watching me, his brows bunched together in the middle, his palms flat against the floor, and I swallow, taking in the sight of him.

His tie is loose around his neck, a warm sliver of skin peeking out from underneath his shirt, his collar sticking up the wrong way. A soft sheen crosses over his eyes when they meet mine. He's got some blood on his lips. He's always plucking at them. He's lovely. He's so lovely.

Ren kicks at my shin and I snap back to the present, blinking down at him. "Sorry," I say as I hold my hand out to him, and he stares at it for a moment, grumbling something underneath his breath before he grabs on, and a warm sensation washes over me at the scratchy feel of his calloused skin.

He quickly lets go of my hand once I help him to his feet, fingers burrowing into his pocket, and his eyes bound evasively across the floor.

I step closer. "Good morning."

He looks at me uncertainly, then turns towards the floor again, absently drawing circles onto it's surface with the tip of his indoor slipper. "Uh. Yeah. Morning." Turning his neck, he shifts his gaze to the direction of the classrooms. I take another step forward, prompting him to look at me.

"Did you have a good week?"

"Oh. Uh." He takes one hand out of his pocket to scratch at his cheek. "Yeah, I guess," he mutters. "Didn't do much of anything. Studied a bit."

"O-Oh. Yes. Me too," I say, eyes searching his face. He seems okay. I've been a little worried, because Ren doesn't like being stuck in his house, and he's had to stay in there for days together this time, but he really seems okay, and for the first time in my life, I'm grateful that we're...soulmates, that we're connected to each other this way, that I'm able to feel his pain weigh in my chest when he's upset, feel his anger bite away at my heart when he's hurting, because that way I know when he needs me.

"You look awfully happy today," he observes, frowning softly at me, and I realise that I haven't once been able to get myself to stop smiling this entire time.

"It's just...I just...you're here," I fumble to explain, laughing at myself as I mess up my sentences. "I'm happy to see you again, Ren."

His eyes widen slightly, and he flushes, turning away. "What the fuck." Ah. I step closer, and he quickly moves away, back hammering into the lockers behind him. The resultant metallic clang is so loud that it startles me into motion, my arm reaching forward. "Ren. Are you oka—" He abruptly pushes his hand into my chest, holding me in place, his fingers twisting into my sweater. "Fuck. Where's your sense of personal space, idiot?"

"Ah. I—" He pushes harder and I take a small step back, my arms returning to my sides. Only then does he let go of my sweater, hands rising to grip the straps of his bag. "Sorry," I say, a little dumbfounded.

"The hell? Nothing to be sorry about," he mumbles, looking at me. I smile. He tenses up a little. "N-Now quit standing around and change out of those so that you can come to class," he says, motioning towards my outdoor shoes, and after I nod in response, he starts to walk away, throwing small glances back at me till he disappears around the bend of the corridor, and I lean heavily against the lockers, laughing into my hand.

I can't help it. He's adorable.

I like talking to him like this. With my heart open. It feels like anything can happen.

After my father moved back in, I spent the remainder of my holidays studying, thoroughly covering more of the syllabus than I could have possibly imagined in that short time, because even simply knowing that I'd get to return to school in a few days, that I'd get to see Ren again, with his crackling eyes and his deep voice and his downturned mouth, helped me feel at ease while sitting there, before my desk. I was able to focus better. Sometimes, it feels like if I could just have Ren, there wouldn't be much left to worry about.

Like the world might not be such a tough place to live in, if he's a part of it too.

I get it now. It's important to be selfish sometimes, in the right ways. If I don't stop to listen to my heart once in a while, it's going to run out of breath, and I'm going to end up falling behind, all by myself.

I need Rubi and the others, to warm me up with their stories and their games when the outside world starts to get a little too cold. I need them, their smiles the fuel that allows me to keep going. And once it became clear that it isn't self indulgence that pushes me to bury myself in this love, that it's necessity, there was nothing left to feel guilty about.

I'm studying hard everyday for the sake of my family, but I understand now that what I want is important too, and I don't want to do any of this without Ren.

I'm done locking up the parts of myself that I've viewed as inconvenient for so long. I need it all to be out in the open now, so that I can properly sort out my emotions.

That's why I'm going to do it.

Today.

I'm going to tell him how I feel.

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

Sometime around noon, I make my way to the back of the classroom, to Ren, my notebook clutched in my hand. Brows twitching with confusion, he watches me approach, jabbing at me with his piercing eyes as I stop before his current deskmate — Sato, was it? — and clear my throat. Sato glances up at me, separating his gaze from his textbook, an unsure smile playing at his lips. "Yes?"

"Would you mind switching seats with me?" I ask, holding my notebook to my chest.

"Oh. Uh." He looks at Ren, whose eyes are still fixed on me, unreadable.

"Just for this one class," I rush to add. "Just this once. I won't ask again—"

"Sure, man. Anytime," he says, grinning, and shuts his book in his lap to uncross his legs on the chair, hopping out of his seat. When he manages to catch Ren's eye, he winks at him before walking away, a song I don't recognize floating out of his lips. Brows drawing together, I stare back at him. When did he get so close with Ren?

"What?" Ren asks softly, and I turn around to look at him again.

"Um, I..." I start, searching for the right words. I want to tell him. I want to tell him today. But it's sure to be hard to catch him alone during the lunch break, and Nee-san might come to get me right after school finishes up.

I have to do this now.

"I need to..." I falter, my heart beating dizzyingly loud.

"Sit down first," Ren murmurs, and I notice that our homeroom teacher has already walked into the room, taking his place at the head table to monitor us during the study hour, so I quickly slide into my...Sato's seat. Swallowing unevenly, I shoot a glance at Ren, and he meets my eyes, tapping at his notebook. I look down at mine, my insides twisting nauseatingly hard.

I know, that there's a chance that Ren might not be happy with what I have to say to him. That there's a chance that he might be put off with me. But I've already decided to change the way I live, and I can't afford to get stuck in the what-ifs again.

I've spent the last year swimming hysterically to survive, gasping for breath in a pool of water so shallow that I could have simply just stayed on my feet and crossed to the shore with my head out all the while. It hurts to think about it now, all that time spent heaving and choking when all I needed to do to breathe was inhale.

You're just telling the person you love that you love him, I tell myself. There isn't anything more natural.

It's okay.

Flipping to an empty page, I begin to write. There's something I need to tell you.

He stares at the message, frowning slightly, and I bring the book to my desk again, writing the rest. Stomach cinched tight, I hold it up once more. I like you.

A near blank look crosses over his eyes, and he momentarily shifts his gaze to the front of the classroom, before picking his pencil up and bending over his notebook.

Good to know, the paper says.

My lips press together, and I look down at the page laid open on my desk again, tugging restlessly at my hair. Does he understand? How do I make him understand? I look at him again, and shake my head once before turning back to my notebook, an ache in my throat. A few seconds later, I put my pencil aside with shaking hands and show him what I've written. I want to kiss you.

The silence bores into me.

Ren reads the message, again and again, before his burning eyes flit to my face. My breathing stutters, but I hold his gaze. We stay like that for a moment, looking at each other, my feelings for him hanging in the air between us, and my stomach grinds together as I wait to see if he'll try to reach for them. Grasp them. Hold them.

He jerks away all of a sudden, grabbing for his pencil. When he holds up his book again, he doesn't look at me. Idiot. What if Sensei sees what you wrote.

I quickly scramble to reply. I'm sorry. I had to tell you. He shoots a quick glance at the text.

He's quiet. He doesn't move to pick up his pencil again.

"Ren?" I whisper helplessly.

"Shut up," he breathes, both hands pushing into his forehead as he leans forward, elbows propped on his desk. "Shut up. Not now."

So I wait.

I don't know what to expect.

It's painful.

Breathing in, I flip to my notes and try to study, blinking away at the sting in my eyes. It's hopeless. What's going to happen?

I've missed this. Sitting next to him. Being able to constantly see him from the corner of my eye. A blurry Ren. I've missed it so much more than I realised.

Tightly curling my fingers around my pencil, I brace for it, and sure enough, a minute later, it starts. An unsettling pull in my stomach, that gets tighter with each passing second.

I've made him uncomfortable.

I like him so much. I close my eyes. What am I going to do now?

No.

No, it's alright.

If Ren rejects me, I'm just going to have to try and work through the pain. I've done that through far worse, haven't I?

I just...I'm just going to have to find something else to prioritise, in his place. Something else to love.

I...

Will I be okay?

I have to.

I will.

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

The bell rings and Ren still won't look at me, so I pick up my things and wordlessly move to return to my desk. I cross paths with Sato on my way back to the front, and his smile falters at the bleak look on my face. "Thanks," I mutter, and push past him without waiting for a reply.

The sight of him irritates me a little.

School has just begun, but I'm tired already.

Classes continue to be held for the rest of the day, like the world hasn't ended already. Like my heart hasn't just been broken. After a few minutes of trying to focus, I give up and let my eyes glaze over, because I can't hear past the throbbing in my chest.

During lunch break, Ren pretends like I never told him that I want to kiss him. It's the usual, everyday Ren, scowling and grunting at Rubi's stories about her mother, answering all her questions with his mouth stuffed full.

He's been making his own lunches at home lately. He even lets me try some of it, like I didn't just tell him that I want to kiss him. What's happening? It's killing me a little.

Is he just going to ignore my feelings?

After school lets out, I grab my bag and drag myself to the door without turning around to look for Ren. I've had enough for one day. I can't take it anymore. Leaving the rest of my classmates behind, I step out of the room, letting the whistling thrum of their voices fade into a murmur. Maybe it'll get better once I go home and sleep it off.

Will it?

"Aki—Akito."

I freeze.

He followed me out?

I slowly turn around and Ren slides into view, standing there with his eyebrows pinched together, his face red.

"Yes?" I ask, my voice unintentionally thick with emotion. Cracked.

"I want to talk."

"Ah." I angle my head away from him, the hair falling over my eyes. "I don't think I can right now." Not yet. Please. "I should go. Nee-san is—"

"What do you want from me?" he asks hoarsely, cutting me off, his hands fisted at his sides.

I look at him, confused and tired and hurting. "What?"

We're getting a few stares now, and Ren notices, so he grabs hold of my wrist and pulls me into the next corridor, stopping before the staircase that leads up to the laboratories on the fourth floor. There's no one else here. "What do you...what do you want from me?" he asks again, eyes flashing. My heartbeat quickens. "Just tell me. Fuck, just tell me, so that I don't...so that I don't mess this up."

Everything goes quiet. I stare at his face. What do I want from you? Anything. Everything.

"Ren, I just..." I try to find the right way to say it. "I just want to be with you."

His grip on my wrist tightens, and he shakes his head. "No. I'm gonna need more than that."

"Listen to me. There's no way you can mess—"

"Just fucking tell me."

My mouth falls shut. He's not going to budge, is he?

I breathe in deeply.

Okay.

"I..." The things I want to do together with Ren. The things I want to know about him. If I made a list, it wouldn't have an end. How can I tell him that? "I want..." My voice comes out strained, so I clear my throat and try again. Where do I start? "I want to eat lunch with you, and walk home with you after school. Everyday."

Ren nods, like he was expecting this.

I look down at our hands as I continue, his skin warm where it scrapes against the inside of my wrist. "I want to go places together, anywhere you like, when we're not busy. Just you and me. I...I want to hold your hand. All the time. And I want to talk. Us. To talk. I want you to tell me everything. Everything you have to say, I..." My lungs feel like they're brimming with more air than they can contain. "Want to hear it. The things you do at home to kill time, the things you see on your way to school every morning, I want to hear about them. The big things, and the silly things. Especially the silly things." I look at his face again.

I want him to lounge around close by while I study. I want him to wave at me while he's out in the field, sip from the same water bottle, let me plaster bandaids on all the scrapes and cuts that inexplicably appear on his face and hands, because Ren is always carelessly doing things to get himself injured. I want him in my life. Somewhere I can see him. That's all.

"I want you to come over every now and then, so that I can cook for you." And you can eat while the food is still hot. "I want you to stay the night sometimes, because..." I swallow. "I like the thought of sleeping next to you." I look into his eyes. "I want to touch you, Ren, and I want you to touch me too. I want to—"

"Kiss," he says.

"Yes. Kiss," I agree. "As much as possible."

We're both blushing now, staring down at our feet. "Sorry," I mumble. "I know it's a lot. I just...Ren, I...with you...I...sorry."

His throat bobs. "So if...if I do all these things with you, you won't..." He trails off, his face angled towards the floor, a muscle in his jaw twitching. My heart starts to beat so hard that it hurts.

"I won't what?"

He makes a frustrated noise, crunching his teeth together.

"Ren," I say. "Look at me."

He peeks up at me. "I won't what?" I repeat.

"I...I don't know!" he blurts, shoulders rising. "You won't...you won't leave. You won't stop talking to me. It's...fuck, I just don't want things to—"

A searing burn enters my eyes. "I'm so sorry," I say, stepping closer to him. "Ren, I'm so sorry, that wasn't...I didn't distance myself from you because...it had nothing to do with you. I mean, it did, but...I did it for me, because I thought it would be good for me, because I was being a fool, not because you didn't..." I trail off, my breath catching. Ren is watching me with wide eyes now, the crease in his forehead deepening. He means so much to me. Why did I...How did I ever think—

"If you cry I'm going to punch you."

My eyes flutter open. "I'm sorry, I just..."

"Idiot, I wasn't trying to make you cry. That's not why I...I d-didn't mean to," he tries, voice shaking miserably, and a sharp weight drops into my stomach, like I've just been punched.

No no no. I rush to wipe at my eyes, blinking back the tears. "It's not your fault. I just...I just feel bad about the way I've behaved." Ren is still watching me. He looks hurt. It hurts me to see him look like this. I breathe in, trying to pull myself together. "I just like you so much that I didn't know what to do with myself. Ren, I was scared. I thought that if I gave in to my feelings for you, I'd end up spending every waking moment thinking only about you, and that I'd lose sight of my responsibilities, which is so stupid. It's so unbelievably stupid."

"Yeah," he grumbles in agreement.

I want to reach out. I want to touch his face. "I don't know how I...I can't believe I didn't realise sooner. It was all so horribly stupid," I breathe, chest heaving. "Ren, nothing you say or do could ever make me want to be away from you. I mean it. And I...I won't do it again." I'll never do anything to hurt you. "I promise."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

A moment passes. "Okay," Ren finally says, releasing my wrist.

"Okay?"

"Okay."

"Ren," I whisper, heart aching. "Okay?"

"That's what I'm saying dumbass."

He sticks his hand out to me again, this time with his fingers outstretched. I stare down at it, my brain in jumbles. "Come on," he says. "Let's go, the girls are probably waiting for us." My eyes flit up to his face. He reddens. "Idiot, how long do you expect me to stay like this?" I quickly reach for his hand and clasp it, the blood rushing to my face.

Ren wordlessly starts to walk, tugging me along.

"Does this mean—"

"Yeah," he mumbles without meeting my eyes.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Ren. Really?"

His cheeks flare brighter. "Fuck. You're starting to get on my nerves now."

"But—"

"Shut up," he says, just as we merge into the stream of students descending the staircase, and I go quiet, my body growing warm all over. His hand feels good in mine. Sturdy. I'm smiling now. I can't help it. Ren isn't, however. He's still too embarrassed to look at me.

He's adorable.

We find Rubi standing by the lockers when we reach the ground floor, Irina's braids twisted around her hands. Standing at the base of the staircase, we watch the girls speak to each other in low voices, their faces gripped by smiles. Ren is silent for a moment, before he turns to look at me, something unreadable in his eyes. "Re—" I begin, but before I can manage to get his name all the way out, he tugs me forward again, all the way up to where the girls are standing.

Stopping before them, he clears his throat.

Rubi looks up at us, still smiling as she detaches herself from her girlfriend, when her eyes slowly fall to our interlocked fingers,

and her hand flies up to her mouth.

END OF CHAPTER