I sit under the dim light of the reading lamp in my room, closing my book as I cross off another subject from my planner. Alright, two to go. Yawning, I crane my neck, stretching my arms over my head as I glance at the clock again, noting that it's time for dinner.

I push off my study table and slowly walk down the steps to the kitchen, wood creaking unsettlingly under my feet. Downstairs, the sparsely scattered furniture casts looming shadows across the walls, the thickening quiet enveloping me like quicksand. I breathe, an unmoving weight in my chest as I enter the kitchen, letting the lights inside flicker to life. I squint my eyes against the sudden brightness, subconsciously scanning the empty room for Nee-san, only to remember with a pang that she hasn't returned from work yet.

Heart beating unusually loud, I make my way to the drawer under the sink to bring out everything that I need to get started on dinner. I have all my meals planned out ahead, with natto and rice written down for tonight — a good balance of protein and carbs.

I put my hand into the drawer and let my fingers close around the cooking pot, the utensils inside clattering loudly against each other as I try to take it out, jarring in the way that they cut into the silence. Just then, I hear the wind let out a near lifelike howl through the window, and I break into a shiver, my mind caught on the unsettling noise as I release my grip over the handle of the pot and let it drop back inside, the motion producing a clang so loud that it makes me wince.

Letting the drawer close, I step back. Nee-san informed me that she'd be home late today because of a dinner party that she was going to attend with her friends. I swallow thickly, throat tightening up at the thought of standing by myself in this kitchen, with only the rustle of spoons and knives to accompany me for the rest of the evening. Nee-san won't be home for dinner today, I think. Isn't it a waste of time to stay here and cook just for myself?

Deciding to make do with something I already have, I kneel down to one of the lower cabinets, rummaging through it till I manage to find an old pack of cup ramen. Without bothering to check the expiration date, I heat it up and set it on the counter before me, my footsteps echoing into the halls as I move around.

Pulling up a stool to the table, I stare at the bits of carrot and beans floating around in the soup for a long time, my appetite retreating deep into my stomach, before I find a lid for the pack and wordlessly store it into the fridge for later. Skipping a single meal shouldn't cause my body any noticeable harm.

Enough shuffling around. Back to studying. I force myself to move up the stairs again, my body protesting as I settle back down before my reading desk, the same old blunt wood of my chair pressing into my thighs. Alright. Rubbing my hands together to send some of the cold away, I remove an answer key from my folder, using it to evaluate my performance in the practice test that I gave to myself earlier today.

When I'm done, I set my pen down, blinking sluggishly down at my score. Ninety seven out of one hundred. This is good, I tell myself. With marks like these, I may stand a chance. I wait for the rush of hope, the kick of satisfaction, but I'm empty as I gaze up at the curtain to my window, the swaying trees outside casting a dancing shadow onto it's surface, and suddenly, I feel afraid that the past five days are what the rest of my life will look like.

Say I do get into H University, what then? Do I have to keep studying, just like this?

The future that I pictured for myself starts to look unbearably hollow, but I brush the doubts aside, because I know that I cannot upend my entire plan based on one unreasonable fear. I stand up, telling myself that I've stayed inside for too long, that I need to go out and clear my head, get some air. We've run out of milk. Deciding to take an early trip to the grocery store, I pull my sweater on and go bounding down the stairs again, the sun setting as I leave the house.

Once I'm outside, I momentarily feel better at the change of scenery. The winding roads seem to go on endlessly, and for a second, I feel like as long as I keep walking, I can go anywhere I want to, like the cuff around my neck chaining me to the textbooks in my room doesn't exist. Call Ren, my heart tells me, the tips of my fingers prickling as I think about reaching into my pocket for the phone, but I hold myself back, nails digging into my palm.

After everything I did to try and cut him out of my life, I couldn't possibly call him.

As soon as I push the impulsive idea out of my head, the world dims to a muted shade, a curtain of gloom falling over my surroundings. Sirens blare, cars zip by, children laugh, and the cold bites at my cheeks as I draw nearer to the grocery store, the breath stuck in my throat. The mundane sounds of the street seem to be closing in on me, and I force myself to exhale, fingers clenching and unclenching around air.

A few minutes later, I duck out of the store, a newly bought carton of milk in my bag, and stare at the world around me with an expanding hollowness. A reluctant unease settles into my chest at the thought of returning to my empty house, so I set off in a different direction, chasing after the warmth from my childhood memories.

Before I know it, I'm on the friendly street that I spent the better part of my life living in, standing before my grandmother's little wooden house, listening to the muffled conversation belonging to the current residents as it leaks out through the walls, and my first thought is that the lighting is different — the strong white flare visible through the windows much unlike the melting golden glow that I remember.

I walk around the gates, heart feeling so full as I catch sight of the small back porch that I spent so many of my summers on — helping Baa-san plant lentils into the soil, squealing and squirming in the grass each time she playfully lifted a bug off of one of the plants to bring to my face. Standing out here in the darkness, chest flooded with love and stomach churning from the loss, my life with her feels like a dream, a picture painted a bright blue.

Tears pool in my eyes, and I wish so desperately that she was here with me now, to hug me tight and tell me to keep going, to touch my face, and promise to stay with me every step of the way. I don't want to be alone.

The front door creaks open, the voices from inside now cutting clearly into the night, and I breathe in deeply as I step back, reminding myself that I don't live here anymore.

A man steps out, his back vaguely familiar as he bows to the family inside, and frowning, I push closer again in an attempt to catch a glimpse of his face. He moves to leave, pausing once to slide the gate back in place, jumping the slightest bit when he finally turns around to notice me obstructing his path. "Son?" he says questioningly, surprised eyebrows lifting into his forehead.

"What are you doing here?" I demand, bitter voice hardening automatically at the sight of my father. Anger starts to flow through my body as I let the sight of him standing here — before the house that Baa-san spent the last of her days living in — sink in. It feels like his presence here is tainting her memory, because deep down, I still blame him for her death.

"I...I was..." he stammers, eyes flicking back towards the house, and I want to put both my hands flat against his chest and shove him away, because he is the one person that shouldn't ever come here. "I was just meeting with the tenants," he finally explains, a weak smile taking hold of his lips. Forcing myself to concentrate through the glaring heat in my head, I recall that he is in charge of all of Baa-san's property till I'm old enough to inherit it.

"I was just about to head on home to you and your sister. I have some news to share with you," he says quietly, and I pause for a second, letting my eyes trail down his body — taking in the odd sight of his downturned collar, cleanly ironed shirt and polished boots. Something is different about him, and the hot swirl of anger in my chest is momentarily snuffed out as I try to figure out what it is. The delirious flush is gone from his cheeks, and his eyes are sober and alight as they stay caught on mine, unfaithful to their normally evasive nature.

"Akito...you seem confused," he says sheepishly. I don't speak, watchful eyes fixed to his face. I suppose I am confused. My father just looked me in the eye and gave me an answer without once tumbling over his own words, and he hasn't been able to do that in a really long time. "Can we...can we find some place to sit down and talk? There is something that I want to tell you," he finally says, a whole sentence leaving his lips unprompted, and I nod, lips shrinking into a thin line.

"There's a small park right around the corner. How about there?"

"Okay," I mumble, following him back onto the street as I throw one last wistful glance towards my grandmother's house.

"They're a good family, Akito," my father whispers, noticing the direction of my gaze. "I trust that they'll take good care of the house." A tightness I wasn't aware of is soothed from my body, and I turn my eyes on my father, wondering what brought on this sudden change in him.

When we arrive at the park, I stop by a wooden bench at the entrance, confused as I watch my father walk on ahead, making his way towards a slightly weathered swing set, one that I recognise from when I was little.

"You and your sister played with this so much when she'd come to visit you here in the beginning. I'd try to warn you both against it, but you still insisted on competing to see who could swing the highest, every single time, and I was always stuck standing before you two with my arms spread out, ready to catch you in case one of you fell. Now that I think about it, I never should have taken the risk. A responsible father wouldn't." He smiles sadly, lowering himself onto one of the swings, his feet dragging against the sand as it sways. "Come sit."

Reluctantly, I grab hold of the chains on either side and land on the seat with a thud, a pleasant feeling tickling my heart as I softly kick off the ground, joining my father. I remember our swinging competitions. When my father stopped bringing Nee-san over because of always having to work overtime, I begged Baa-san to play with me instead, but it was never as fun with her because she just couldn't keep up with me.

"You'd kick up such a fuss each time you lost to Kurumi." He sighs, smiling up at the stars. "I'm sorry I forced you to grow up so quickly."

Shifting uncomfortably, I ask, "What was it that you wanted to tell me?" He blinks, lowering his eyes to the ground. I have my suspicions. He was fired, or his land lady kicked him out because he was behind on rent and now he has nowhere to go. It could also be that he caused some sort of an accident, and now he needs some money to pay for the repairs.

But as I stare at him now, at the calm — almost serene set of his face, I know that it's something different this time. Could it be that he was able to actually receive that promotion after all this time?

"I met someone," he finally says.

"I...I see," I mumble, eyebrows furrowing as my brain quickly runs through the implication behind his words, attempting to assess what this means for us.

"Her name is Mai," he continues. "We met in Hokkaido. She's a regular at the coffee stall that I frequent." He breathes in softly, the sincere set of his eyes meeting mine. "I want to ask her to marry me, Akito, but only after you kids get to spend some time with her first."

In my head, I disapprove immediately. My first thought is that this Mai woman might be a part of some sort of a scam to deprive my father of all his assets, and that he's just too naive to see the truth. Then again, that's hard to make sense of because my father doesn't have much to his name to begin with. Either way, I don't think I could trust him to know what kind of a person would be good for our family. I don't want him carelessly indulging in a relationship that could spell trouble for us.

"I know what you're thinking," he quickly says at the look of displeasure on my face. "But Son, I'm an adult. I've seen a lot of the world in my forty seven years, and Mai...she's the one for me. Please, at least speak to her once before you make up your mind." When I don't respond, he quietly adds, "I also got that promotion I told you about."

I sit up at this, eyes wide, because that's one bit of good news that could really turn things around for us. If the sum that my father discussed with me last time still stands, then Nee-san will be able to quit her job soon and return to college. Hope stirs in my chest as I silently go through the logistics of it all in my head. Things might finally start looking up.

I open my mouth to ask him questions pertaining to the job — what his role there would be, how often he would receive paychecks, what percentage of it would he be sending to us — when he says, "But I'm not taking it." I fall still, confusion blossoming in my chest. I frantically search his face for answers, my jaw clenching at the possibilities. Is this because of that woman? Is he saying that he'll only take the job if Nee-san and I agree to the marriage?

"Akito, I'm done with Hokkaido," he mumbles. "I'm moving back here. I want to be with my children." At that, another even larger wave of confusion crashes into me, and I feel lost as I watch my father — the man who once gave me up because he didn't want to carry the responsibly of raising two children on his own.

My whole life, I've been convinced that the second Nee-san or I graduate and get a job, he'd cut all ties with us and disappear, but the things I've believed about him all this while, they aren't matching up with his words anymore. Heat rises in my eyes again, and I turn away from him, willing myself to calm down. Don't get carried away. He could still leave at any time.

"I've already secured a whole lot of job interviews here, so please don't worry," he amends. "Mai would be with us too, if you'd have her." His face glows from the restrained excitement. "We could be a family again."

A family. I shake my head. "You're getting ahead of yourself."

"I might be," he concedes. "But Son, what if it works out?" There's so much hope in his voice, and it makes me a little sick. What if? What if it doesn't? What if the companies here won't have him? He doesn't have any friends here to call in favors from like he did in Hokkaido. What if he ends up always staying in the house, amounting to nothing but an extra mouth to feed? What if his girlfriend runs away in the middle of the night, taking with her everything that we have?

"No," I rasp, my throat clogging up. "No. You can't give up this job."

"I can do better here," he insists. "Because I'd have my children by my side. And I'd have Mai."

I chew at my lip, troubled. Why won't he listen?

"This might sound a little pathetic coming from your father," he starts, lifting his hand to the back of his neck, a little awkward. "But I've already been past the point of no return, and I have nothing more to lose, so here goes."

He closes his eyes for a moment, gathering his feelings together, before facing me once again. "I think I've always been a little lonely, Akito. Your mother didn't love me, I don't think, and when she left, our family broke apart. In a matter of days, everything I had was gone, and most of it was my fault. I'd turned into nothing but a worthless bum in my children's eyes and...it was hard to keep going. Everything seemed so hopeless for a while there. But...Mai, she saved me."

With a jolt, I remember what Baa-san always used to say — You are stronger still, because you are loved, because I'll always be here to give you a good smack if you ever start talking like this again. "She saved you?" I whisper.

He smiles. "She's the home that I return to relax in after every bad day, but at the same time, she makes me never want to stop trying." My fingers clench around the chains of the swing, the breath caught in my throat. "When I'm with her, it feels like everything will turn out okay no matter what. Always." Tears push to the forefront of my eyes, my heart reacting to his words, because some part of me understands exactly what he means. "Even when things don't work out, as long as she's still by my side, it feels like I haven't failed. Not really." I feel my chest grow impossibly warm.

Just like that, a new path opens up before me, relief pouring into the hollow of my chest, and I cling tightly to the fresh possibility, a little breathless.

"So?" he asks, looking to me earnestly. "What do you think?"

I shoot to my feet. "Papa," I say, breathing hard. "Can I meet you back at home?"

"Um." He nods uncertainly. "Sure?"

Without another word, I set off running, the milk carton from before forgotten on the ground.

I think about Nee-san, how willingly she volunteers all her time to give me a good life, about Rubi, how selflessly she cares about me, and...Ren, how happy he makes me, and I know, that the next time I visit Baa-san's grave, I can smile and tell her that I succeeded. Build a good home for the two of you, Akito, she said, and I'm going to tell her with certainty that I have — a warm, sturdy home that will last me longer than any field of flowers could, and as long as my friends are willing to stay by my side, it's not going to go anywhere.

Ren. I want to see him. With shaking hands, I take my phone out of my pocket and call him, the wind roaring in my ears. The line connects with a click on the second ring, and anxiety takes hold of my lungs in a suffocating grip. After a long stretch of a silence, a small voice finally answers from the other end, reviving me. "...What?"

"Come outside," I tell him in a rush, and hear Ren make a disgruntled noise before I shove my phone back into my pocket, picking up my pace.

I've missed him so, so much, I've missed him everyday, and the thought of seeing Ren again now sends a crush of happiness into my chest.

But there's also a part of me that's afraid.

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by going to him right now, because I don't trust myself to stay rational when it comes to Ren.

But...I want to see him. I really, really want to see him.

The more I run, chest heaving, legs steadily growing numb underneath me, the harder it gets to think straight. Doubts weigh on me as my knees slowly start to give in, voices whispering chiding remarks into my mind — you fool, stop this madness, you're going to destroy everything you've built, and Ren probably hates you, so what are you doing? Stop running, stop stop stop.

But I don't, I don't stop, heat spreading uncomfortably through my body as I repeatedly kick off the ground.

When I finally round the turn into Ren's neighborhood, my stamina runs out, the voices in my head rising to a deafening pitch, screaming this is your last chance to turn away, but once I spot him in the distance, stepping out onto the street in horribly mismatched clothes and hair clearly tousled from lying on his bed, the flutter in my heart wins me over, and suddenly, none of that other stuff matters anymore.

I want this so much more than any stupid degree that H University could give me.

Just as he turns my way, I go crashing into him, flinging my arms around his neck as he makes an umph sound, stumbling backwards. I buckle against him, eyes falling shut as I breathe him in, his body warm against mine, and I feel every one of my muscles melt as I thoroughly relax into Ren, heart lulled into a murmured thrum, like a lone traveler burrowing into his sleeping bag after a trip around the world.

"What do you think you're doing, dumbass?" Ren exclaims, jerking me back to my senses, and I pull away, reluctantly looking into his eyes.

"Hi," I mumble.

Ren continues to glare at me through his confusion, and after a long moment of silence, he averts his gaze to the ground. "How are you here? Didn't think you had any time for me," he grumbles.

My heart crunches. "Sorry," I mumble, when what I really want to say is, if there's anyone I'd want to spend all the time in the world with, it's you. Even that wouldn't be enough.

Hands burrowing into his pockets, he shoots me a sidelong glance. "You mean it?" he asks quietly.

"I n-never should have ignored you," I stammer. "I'm sorry, I...shouldn't have."

"What the fuck...are you crying?" he asks, tensing up, his eyes widening from shock.

I sniffle, wiping helplessly at my face. "I'm sorry," I say again. "Ren, I'm..."

"Look, i-it's fine," he says quickly, panic lighting up his eyes as he steps closer to me. "Just...don't cry, idiot."

"You're not mad?" I croak.

He shakes his head, warm sparks flickering in his eyes. "You apologized, so it's okay."

And that's enough? "I'll make it up to you, I promise," I say, my heart feeling incredibly tender.

It feels like it has been such a long time since I last got to stand this close to Ren, since I last got to take such a good look at his face, and there's so much that I want to tell him, a thousand unnamable feelings battling it out in my stomach, but all that comes out in a whimper is, "I want to be with you. All of you."

"Okay?" he says, confused. "Just do whatever you want. I don't see what all the damn fuss is about."

"Whatever I want?" I whisper.

"Yeah."

He stiffens as I step forward to close the gap between us again, wrapping my arms tightly around him. "This...this is what you want?" he asks me in a throaty voice, and when I nod into his neck, he finally leans against me a little, sighing faintly into my ear. "Idiot." His hands slowly come up to my back, locking me in place. "This blasted sweater is unexpectedly soft," he murmurs into my shoulder, fingers curling into the fabric, and I laugh, the sound muffled by his skin.

"Are you going to eat lunch with us again after school starts?" he asks after a moment, his breath tickling my neck, and I hum in response, my eyes closed. "We won't get to sit next to each other in class anymore though," he mumbles.

"It's okay, the committee shifts will start back up soon and we'll get to see each other then."

"Hm," he agrees. "And maybe we can walk home together too, everyday. Or take the bus or something like we did last time. Senpai might also come with us though."

"You don't want her to?" I ask, teasing.

"I d-didn't say that," he fumbles. Is he blushing? I attempt to pull back a little to try and catch a glimpse of his face, drawing my arms to my sides, when Ren makes a noise of protest in his throat at the sudden loss of warmth. He hurriedly tugs me close once again, and fondness pools in my heart as I fall back against his chest.

"It'll be okay," I tell him, sighing contentedly. "We've got all the time in the world."

END OF CHAPTER

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A/N :

Now that I've gotten all three of my idiots to cry, we can finally move on~