A/N :

Realised kind of late that I've been spelling Sayori's name wrong this entire time, so it will be Sayuri from now on :P

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I sit with my legs close together at my table as I pretend, for the millionth time, to be studying the abstract art donning the walls of Beige — a fancy cafe square in the middle of our city's most popular shopping district. Despite being located in such a crowded area, the interior of the shop is relatively empty, with just one other couple occupying a table by the massive glass windows, outside of which dozens of people carrying store-bought bags consistently mill about.

I let my eyes flit away from the expensive-looking paintings, cursing internally as they lock on the Barista's again. She smiles at me from behind the counter, and I return a flimsy smile of my own before hiding my face behind the menu. The repetitive eye contact is embarrassing. I should have waited outside. If I was going to sit here for a half hour without ordering anything,
it would have been nice if I had had the sense to pick a table that wasn't so blatantly in the Barista's line of sight.

I sigh, glancing at the time, and before I can think twice about it, I pull up my phone and fire off a text to Sayuri. I'm here. Where are you?

It's been four days since our study holidays began, and four days since I've last seen Akito and Ren. It's funny, but this might be the longest that I've ever been physically apart from them since we got to know each other.

All through middle school, I'd look forward to the holidays like they were oxygen, running straight home after class on the last day to inhale the familiar scent of lemonade and old furniture, thrilled by the knowledge that I wouldn't have to leave for at least another week.

It's different now.

I can't remember how I used to pass the time anymore. When I'm not putting my textbook aside to stare at my phone — waiting for texts that never come, I'm lying on my back, listless as I wait for my life to resume, wondering when Akito will finally come back to us, because I know that he will, and because that's what these boys have become to me now — my life. It's corny, but it's undoubtedly the truth. I can't picture an everyday without them anymore. Even now, I just...I just want to go back.

To school, to the lunch breaks and the train rides and the pain-in-the-ass committee shifts. To cutting glances at each other when we're annoyed with the teacher and swiping at Ren's lunches and playing games on the grass, because that, all of it, is what home is to me now.

I laugh softly. How did I let myself get like this? How can I go on after they leave me when it feels like that's when I'll completely stop breathing?

It's been one week since Irina stopped talking to me.

That's why I'm here today.

Sayuri reached out to me herself three days ago, telling me that there was something that she wanted to talk to me about. I don't know if I'll ever get to normally speak with Irina again, so last night, I finally responded to her message and we set up a meeting. I know enough to realise that Irina is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and if I'm going to graduate without ever talking to her again, I want to...I want to make sure that she's doing okay. Just once, I want to ask Sayuri to look after her for me.

Twelve minutes later, Sayuri strides into the shop, a slight bounce in her soft curls. The sight of her quickly sends a shock bounding through my body. I helplessly claw at the table as I fall back into the well of childhood memories that I've always tried so desperately to hide away in the darkest depths of my mind. Before I realise it, I'm seven years old again, being pushed to the back of the group that had Sayuri at its head.

Jeez Rubi, why do I gotta see your face first thing in the morning? Come to me after lunch.

Don't wear a skirt idiot, it looks like you're trying too hard.

Not now, Rubi.

What is it? Are you going to follow me home too?

"Hi there."

I blink, startled as Sayuri pulls up the chair in front of me, smiling. "Oh." It's hard to look her in the eye. "H-Hey."
She's wearing a coffee coloured dress with multiple seashell necklaces down the front. Freckles dust her nose and cheeks, her charming round eyes unworried as they land casually on me. She's so beautiful, and tall, and...

I immediately feel underdressed in my hoodie and shorts.

"I hope the wait didn't feel too long. I didn't expect you to arrive so early," she laughs.

"Uh, um, yeah," I mumble incoherently. Staying home was making the nerves cramp in my stomach, and I had nothing better to do so I found myself leaving the house sooner than planned. "Sorry," I blurt, then mentally slap myself. Why am I apologising for being early?

She laughs again, a small, polite sound. "Come now, there's no need to apologize." She picks up the menu. "Let's order, shall we?" Her eyes glide across the listed beverages once, before she sets the card down and calls for the waiter. When he arrives at our table, they exchange pleasantries, before she orders an iced coffee topped with cream and vanilla syrup. When she's done, she looks to me. "Do you know what you're having yet?"

"Um." I scramble for the menu, when my elbow clumsily knocks against the stand of tissues placed before me. It clatters loudly to the ground, the soft sheets scattering across the floor, and for an endless moment, it feels like the world is about to end. "S-Sorry," I spurt, horrified as I make to dive under the table to clean up my mess.

Sayuri quickly catches my hand. "Rubi, what are you doing?" she questions under her breath. "Sit tight, we'll have that taken care of."

I nod, cheeks burning, and watch as Sayuri apologises to the waiter on my behalf. I feel a little dizzy as I see him bend down to pick up the tissues I dropped, tears prickling in my eyes. I want to go home. For a terrifying second, I wonder if Sayuri called me out here to tell me off for breaking Irina's heart. What am I going to do? Bow your head, I think. Apologise. Say that you won't go near her again.

But...I don't want to.

I don't want to do any of that.

Once the waiter replaces the stand of tissues and leaves, Sayuri turns on me again. "So?" she asks, pointedly looking down at the menu card. "Pick anything you'd like. It's my treat," she offers.

I swallow, and stare at the price range. It's beyond anything that I'd normally be comfortable spending. I wonder if she brings Irina to these fancy cafes too. I can't imagine it. Irina's idea of a fun time out usually just involves stopping by the dumpling stalls beside the station. She'd be so lost in a place like this. I can almost picture her frowning down at this menu, asking me what mocha means, and the thought makes me want to smile and cry at the same time.

"I...I'm good," I mumble, shooting a glance at Sayuri over the menu card. "I don't think I want to order anything."

Her mouth ticks sideways. "Are you sure?" When I nod, she turns in her chair and asks the waiter to bring me a glass of water. "Alright, glad we got that out of the way," she says once she's done, locking her hands together on the table and setting her eyes on me, a practiced smile on her face.

I feel myself shrink in my chair. Her general air of condescension hasn't changed. Her attention weighs me down, shame inexplicably pooling in my stomach — telling me that there's something that I'm doing wrong, even though all I'm doing at the moment is sitting in my chair as I attempt to hold her gaze.

Don't just sit there, stupid. She's going to get bored with you, my brain scolds. Open your mouth.

"So um," I fumble, pushing myself to get the words out so that I can quickly finish saying what I want to and leave. "Have you...have you spoken to Irina at all lately?"

"Ah, yes," Sayuri answers, smiling. "I last spoke with her just this morning, actually."

"I...I see," I say, heart squeezing as my eyes flit down to the table, unblinking. This morning? They must talk all the time, then.

"Rubi. Is everything okay?" I glance up, and try to smile. "I know about your fight," she whispers then, and my cheeks dip.

"So...she told you," I mutter, a stricken laugh fleeing my lips.

"She did," Sayuri murmurs, eyeing me closely.

"Good," I hear myself saying. "Good. That saves me the trouble of having to explain." I lift a plastic bag off my lap and slowly slide it to her side of the table. "Irina let me borrow this umbrella a while back," I tell her, lips pulled in a smile as my eyes, unable to stay on her, wander back to the paintings on the wall. I keep talking. "I won't be able to return it to her myself, since...since she won't talk to me." I laugh again, stiffly. "So I'd really appreciate it if you could pass it on to her for me."

Sayuri opens her mouth, but I frantically talk over her. "Is she doing okay? I hope she's not having trouble focusing on her studies. She's never liked studying all that much, you know? I was going to bring her a pack of the rice crackers she really loves to help motivate her, but I can't do that anymore, because...well, you know why. Could you please take them to her for me?" I ask, setting a packet of the snack before her this time.

"You should take her out after the exams," I'm spouting now. There's a tremendous ache in my chest, and it feels like I'll burst into tears the second I close my mouth. "To celebrate. Oh, but keep in mind that she hates fast food. My advice would be to take her to a local bakery around here, she'd really like that." I don't even realise it, but somewhere amidst my words, my heart begins to glow. "She gets very cranky when it's cold out though, so don't forget to remind her to bring her jacket along. Oh, and Irina isn't always quick to reply to texts, but that doesn't mean that she's angry or that she doesn't care, she's just slow with her smartphone."

A real smile takes over my face, because I can't help but enjoy talking about the person I love. "She doesn't really understand what read receipts are so she'll sometimes lie and say that she didn't look at your text. Her intentions aren't in the wrong place though, she's just not always in the right headspace to reply. She also—"

"Rubi," Sayuri cuts me off, and I freeze, eyes clicking back to hers. "What on earth are you going on about?" My heart sinks. What am I doing? I didn't even apologise.

She slides the umbrella and the snacks back to me, exasperated. "Give these to her yourself! You're talking like this is the end, but that girl is just sulking right now." She laughs at the perplexed look on my face. "You know what she's like. It's a hundred years too early for her to give up on you."

"I...I don't know what you mean," I stutter, heart thudding hard against my ribcage.

Sayuri leans back in her chair, amused. "Exactly what I said. Irina's not going to take no for an answer."

Sayuri thinks...she thinks Irina still likes me. My cheeks grow warm. Ah...I shouldn't be so happy about this. Even if it were true, it doesn't magically change the fact that we're not soulmates. We'd still be stuck in this endless limbo. There's no moving forward for us, and despite having known that all this while, it still hurts so much.

I blink hard to keep my eyes from tearing up as the waiter returns with our drinks. When he moves out of the way, I notice that Sayuri's face has changed. I leave my glass of water untouched as she silently stirs her coffee, eyebrows pinched together. "She knows that I'm here with you right now," she admits after a moment. "Irina, I mean."

"She does?" I ask quietly.

Sayuri nods, pushing her cup aside to look deep into my eyes. "I called you out here today to apologize. Will you let me?"

"For...what?" I ask, confused.

Her eyes melt. "I wasn't a good friend to you," she whispers, her earnest gaze unwavering. "When I was younger, my parents didn't get along at all, and it...it really messed me up. That's why I'm studying to be a relationship counselor right now. I don't want anybody else to go through what I did. I've changed, Rubi. I've been to therapy, and I've tried to put it all behind me, but I just can't bring myself to forget what I did to you. The guilt has been eating away at me for years, and I know that this might seem selfish to you, but...will you please hear me out?"

I sit impossibly still as she reaches across the table to take both my hands in hers, regret inscribed into her face. Without waiting for me to answer, she says, "I had a lot going on at home back then, but that's no excuse. I used to be one messed up kid, Rubi, and you still stuck by me. For the longest time, you were the only real friend I had, and yet I never showed any regard to your feelings. You didn't deserve it. You didn't deserve it at all."

A slight tremble breaks across her hands. "I wanted to say all of this to you right away when we first bumped into each other at the railway station, but I was so afraid that you'd simply toss my apology aside. I couldn't blame you if you did. But Irina...she...she said that you'd forgive me for sure, because that's just how kind you are, and it's why...it's why I'm here right now."

She pulls away to give me some space, agonised eyes never leaving mine. "Would it be okay to ask you to forget it all?" she asks, the confident, irresistibly striking, smiling Sayuri that I've always known speaking in a reluctant whisper. "Everything I did back then. Everything I said to you. Could you think of it as the insensitive prattling of an unstable brat and just...forget it all? Please?" A sheen enters her eyes. "I'm sorry, Rubi," she whimpers.

I stare at her, tears bounding down my cheeks, the wind stolen from my lungs.

Growing up, Sayuri used to be one of the smartest people I knew. She was quick to understand things at school, and she always returned home with the highest marks. The spark in her eyes couldn't be doused, and she had the longest hands. They would lift into the air as she pointed fingers at me, her voice unshakable as she told me over and over, how nobody wanted to be friends with me. Sayuri couldn't be wrong. Back then, it really did seem like she knew everything.

I cried for days, begging Mom to send me to the same elementary school that she'd be attending, because I genuinely believed that the only reason anybody ever played with me was thanks to her. She was always doing me a favor — taking my hand and bringing me into our circle of friends so that I wouldn't always be stuck on the outside, getting on my tip toes and craning my neck to figure out what game everyone was in the middle of.

I'd often curl up in my bed, wondering where it all went wrong for me, and one night, the answer arrived, and I grasped it with both hands before swallowing it down.

Sayuri fixed me with a look of disdain the day I told her that I was aiming for the same middle school that she'd be going to. Are you a dog? She'd asked, brows scrunched with disgust. She was finally done with me, and that was that. People like Sayuri...people with these strings that soar, strings that glow, didn't really have eyes for people like me.

It was a simple enough explanation.

It made sense.

But now she wants me to forget it all.

"Anyone would be lucky to have a friend like you," she's saying now, desperately pushing forward at the sight of my tears. "I wasted my chance, Rubi, and I regret it everyday."

Anyone?

I remember being thirteen years old, left behind in a classroom without Sayuri to fend for myself for the first time in years. I remember walking up to a group of girls huddled in the back of the class and tapping one of them on the shoulder, but when she didn't turn around, I walked away, because that was that.

I remember bringing a pack of chocolates to school on my birthday and asking my deskmate if he wanted one, but when he refused, I quietly put it away, because that was that. I remember hovering closely around my classmates for hours, waiting to see if anyone would ask me to join their group for the upcoming science project, but when nobody noticed me, I returned to my seat, because that was that.

Now, I think back on the first time I met Irina, and how pissed she initially looked when I asked if I could occupy the empty seat beside her on the train. The first time I met Ren, how he'd glowered at me to move out of his way. The first time I met Akito, how he'd told me so dismissively that he'd prefer to be alone, and...

Jeez.

I'm such an idiot.

I'm such a fricking idiot.

I should have walked up to that first girl and grabbed on to both of her shoulders so that she'd have no choice but to face me. When my deskmate refused my chocolate, I should have insisted he take it. If I wanted to join in on the science project so badly, I should have walked around the class, telling everyone that I was interested, because...people are complicated, and relationships take time. Of course. I know that, I've always known that, and yet, for some reason, I've resigned myself to this supposed life without love. How could I be so stupid?

I always gave up too fast.

I shouldn't have been so accepting.

I should have tried harder to make friends.

Sayuri sits up straight, gathering herself together, her expression serious when she says, "I'll never show my face to you again, if that's what you want. But I want to tell you that you deserve everything, Rubi, I truly believe that." She draws her lips into a taut line, waiting to see how I'll respond, when the last of the tears rise into my eyes and I abruptly break into a laugh. Sayuri blinks, startled. Her face is a maze of confusion as she studies me, her mouth opening and closing undecidedly.

I can't stop the little bursts of happiness from bubbling out of me, because...Ah, I've been so impossibly blind.

You deserve everything, she said, but...I already have it. I already have it all. Everything anyone could possibly want. A warm house, parents who love me unconditionally, and friends, all these wonderful friends who'd never turn me away, and gosh...what a fool I've been, so desperately yearning for something I've had with me all along.

"So?" she finally asks, uncertain. "Are you going to accept my apology?"

I swipe at my cheeks, feeling breathless, a stupid grin on my face. "Yes," I tell her, my heart warming up. "I forgive you."

She smiles from relief, a small laugh running out through the crack in her lips. "Thank you."

For a long moment, we sit in a tender silence, before Sayuri asks me if I'd like a sip of her coffee. When I nod happily, she passes her cup to me, and I bring it to my lips, letting the sweet buzz from the drink run it's course through my nerves. As I put it down, my eyes accidentally lock with the Barista's again, and I grin at her, face bursting with joy as my muscles twitch out of my control. A startled smile escapes into her lips, and Sayuri's eyes dart between us, confused.

I've made up my mind.

I can't blindly accept the truth about my fate anymore. I need to see for myself, if the connections I've forged this past year will or will not last. If there's even a slightest chance that things might work out, well, my friends are worth it.

Irina is worth it.

END OF CHAPTER