"I'm sorry for the short notice, but I won't be able to bring you lunches anymore," Akito says without looking at me, his voice low and composed. He's got his eyes directed at my hands as they lie limply on my open textbook, half lidded and gray with disinterest. Something about the detached look on his face makes my chest throb each time my heart returns to beat. I shift uncomfortably in my seat, lifting my hands and shoving them between my knees.

I stare at him, waiting to see if he'll look at me. His cheeks look too pale, like all the warmth has seeped away from them, and I think about rubbing my hands together and touching them to his face. Is he cold? Would that help him feel better? Shit, he's not feeling well?

I unhelpfully glance around the classroom, because I don't have a single fucking clue about what I could do now to make things better. Do I ask him directly? Or...or I could tell Amari? She probably knows about this stuff, and...and we could take Akito to the hospital? If he wants to.

When I turn back around to him, he's already sifting through his notes again, eyes darting around the pages, finding points to underline, and...he's not going to wait for me to answer? "Huh, uh, okay," I scramble to say. "Because you have to...to study?"

He simply nods, still refusing to look my way, and my heart does a painful squeeze in my chest. I stare down at my hands, frowning. I got real mad yesterday when he abruptly left without saying anything, but then Amari explained to me that Akito had big plans for his future, and that he didn't have as much time on his hands as the rest of us did and that we should try to be understanding about it. So I glance up at him again, uncertainly, and decide to try. "Okay, I...get it. I get it. I'll figure something out, so...it's okay."

He just nods again. Fuck. I feel so...strange. My stomach feels...strange. And I don't like it. I just...I don't know why, but right this moment, I want so badly for him to look at me, and...and smile, or pout, or roll his eyes or just do anything with that goddamn face of his.

"Alright everyone," my homeroom teacher says, his clear voice cutting through the endless chatter of my classmates, and when I look up, the sinking feeling of dread suddenly hits me in slow, unstoppable waves. "Hey," I say, dizzy from the panic. "A-Akito."

Sensei is standing on the small platform at the front of the room, holding a cardboard box filled to the brim with folded slips. I swallow hard, and watch as he passes the box to our class rep, asking her to take it around the room to let everyone pick a number. "Shit," I breathe, an incessant prickling in my stomach, like it's crawling with insects. "Shit, he's making us change seats." I forgot they did that every three months. "Shit," I say again. "We're...we're gonna be..."

"Hm," Akito hums before I can say separated, with the same unconcerned face and the same dead eyes, and it's barely even a sound, it's barely anything.

No further words pass between us, and before I know it, I'm watching him grab his backpack and walk to the other side of the classroom, dumbfounded. "Excuse me," I hear someone say, and I glance up, distractedly, to see a girl waiting impatiently for me to move, bag slung on one shoulder. I hastily get to my feet, my knee knocking against at least three other desks as I push past the students crossing the room, fumbling to look at my slip.

My new seat is still somewhere in the back, two rows over, and once I wade through the crowd and drop my bag on my desk, I notice that Amari is sitting diagonally to me, in the seat right in front of the one to my left. She gives me an energetic little wave, and I immediately feel my shoulders relax. Good.

"Ichijou! My dude!" some guy in the seat to my right calls, grinning widely at me as I sit down. I quickly place him as one of my teammates from baseball practice.

"What?" I ask flatly.

He laughs, casually placing both feet on top of his desk, and I feel myself cringing at the sight, because Akito would hate that. It takes me a second to remember that this isn't Akito's desk anymore, and that his face will no longer be the one I see each time I glance to my right.

I won't be able to see them so easily anymore — his soft cheeks and hair, his pretty mouth, his cute fucking expressions...shit. I whip my head around until I catch a glimpse of the blue of his thick sweater, somewhere to the front, and I've barely looked at him for a second when some girl moves her head a little and Akito's back instantly dissappears again. I curse quietly. He's so far away. Shit, this is the worst.

I give up, sighing as I fall back against my chair.

"Hey man, you good?" the guy, my new deskmate, asks.

I glare at him. "I'm fine. You..."

"Sato," he offers helpfully.

I think about apologising for forgetting his name, but all that comes out is a weak grunt.

"Are you mad at me or something? You won't stop frowning dude."

I grunt again, folding my arms together. Fuck, he won't stop talking.

"So," he says, crossing one leg over the other on his desk, and now I know that the bastard clearly can't take a hint. "You used to sit next to that guy — Akito, right?" he asks, and I shoot him a rigid glance.

"What about it?"

"Nothing, just...the guy's so serious, I can't imagine it was very fun being deskmates with him." He smiles, like he's waiting for me to agree with him.

"No...you're wrong," I mutter. I'd been wrong too.

He hums thoughtfully. "Yeah? I haven't spoken to him all that much before, but he seems kinda dull, know what I mean? Like he's not interested in anybody."

I search the room again, and this time I can see the back of his head too, just barely, and I purse my lips together, stomach clenching from the unsatiated anticipation, because he won't turn around. But...he doesn't know where I'm sitting, does he? Yeah. That's probably it. "He is interested," I insist. "He's interested...in me."

"Yeah?" the guy...Sato, replies. "You sure bro? Cause his books seem to be the only thing he's genuinely interested in." He laughs as he says this, but I shoot him a fierce glare.

"What the fuck do you know?" I snap, and he brings his hands up defensively.

"Whoa, sorry man. I was just making conversation."

Akito cares about me, doesn't he? Of course he fucking cares. He's just a little out of it today. He wouldn't...do all those things for me if he didn't. He likes spending time with me. He cares. "He's polite and considerate and smart and so fucking good at everything he does. And...and he's also...he makes all these faces, and...he's cute. He's like..." I think about what exactly it is that I'm trying to say. "like the cutest guy in the world." I huff out a breath. "So stop assuming shit about people."

"Oh!" Sato exclaims, genuine surprise on his face. "Oh damn, I didn't realise you guys were like that. My bad, my bad."

I scowl. "Like what?"

"Dating?" he says, screwing his face together. "Boyfriends?"

I try to answer, but end up choking on my own words. "T-The fuck?"

"Wait, I'm wrong?" he asks, lowering his legs.

"Yes, you're completely fucking wrong," I gasp, fuming.

"So..." he trails off, confused. "So you just like him."

"I...what?"

He laughs. "I don't know dude, to me it looks like you're crushing pretty hard."

I blush. "Shut the fuck up. You don't know anything."

"Sorry, sorry," he says, just as the next teacher walks in. "I got it, I won't pry anymore." I grunt and cross my arms, and thankfully, the moron stops talking as soon as class begins.

A moron, that's what he is. A moron with a pea sized brain.

B-Boyfriends?

Fucking hell.

Like that could happen.

Once class finishes, I quickly stand up, but Akito is already leaving the classroom by then, books tucked under his arm, and I'm cursing the fact that his new seat is so close to the door. "Where's he going?" I ask, moving to stand beside Amari.

"The library, maybe?" she suggests, staring after him.

"Maybe." I pluck at the scabs on my hand. "He's been acting so weird since yesterday."

"Yeah." Amari sighs. "I'm worried too."

For a second, I think it will be okay, that he has no choice but to work the after-school committee shift with us and that I'll get to catch him then, until I remember that we're seniors, and that we don't have to do that anymore because of exams. My heart sinks, the possibility of not getting to speak to Akito at all today wedged tightly in my chest.

Okay, this really fucking sucks.

*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:

When last period starts, Sato and the other guys manage to convince Sensei to let us off early to allow us to practice for our match in two days, and I move to the front of the room with the group, but when I spot Akito, I deliberately walk past his desk as slowly as my feet will let me. Look up. Look up. It's the first time that I've gotten to see him up close in hours, and I like the sight of the top of his head, it's cute too, but fuck, I want...more. More. Just once, look up, idiot.

But he doesn't, and I feel my head drop from the disappointment. I glance at him one last time, and wonder if I should just say his name, but right this moment, the idea of doing so makes me inexplicably nervous. It just feels like he's so goddamn far away, like I might not catch his attention even if I scream, and suddenly, I'm unsure if the last three months even happened, if I dreamed them all up.

I realise I've stopped walking when Sato grabs me by the sleeve and gives me a little nudge. Tearing my eyes from Akito, I blink at him, my throat painfully dry, and let him lead me out of the classroom.

"You should tell him how you feel," Sato says quietly, as we descend the stairs together.

How I feel, huh.

How do I feel? My steps slow as I try to give it some real thought.

I guess...I want to sit next to him in class.

And I want to keep eating the stuff he makes.

I want to ride the bus with him again too.

And buy a lollipop for him everyday like I said I would.

I want things to stay just as they always are.

I don't know. I just want to be together, with him. I just want to be with him.

I pause on the stairs when I see braids girl climbing them towards us, on her way back to class after finishing an errand for Sensei. We lock eyes for the briefest moment before she glides past me, and my breath catches in my throat. Hold up. This feeling...she knows it too, doesn't she? Of course. She understands.

I quickly tell Sato that I'll meet him outside, and whirl on my feet, hurrying back upstairs. "Iri—wait!" I yell when I see her again, catching hold of her arm to get her to stop walking. She turns around, slowly prying her arm from my grip as she fixes me with a look of blatant annoyance. "Yes?"

I almost apologize on instinct. "L-Look, I just...I wanted to ask you something," I say, frowning at her displeasure.

"You...want to ask me something," she repeats disbelievingly.

I nod.

She sighs. "Fine. But be quick about it, I have to go back to class soon."

"Y-Yeah, it's just...y'know, Amari," I stutter, thrown off by the expansive gaze that's now resting solely on me. "You...how did you know...y'know, that you liked her?"

At this, she lifts an eyebrow at me, a small smile poking at her cheek. I feel my face grow warm as I hastily add, "Oh man, fuck, don't tell her about this okay? She'd turn it into this really huge deal and I don't know — don't tell her."

"Oh, I think she knows already." She shakes her head. "Alright, listen here, I'm not going to give you some sappy speech about what love feels like. It's not the same for everybody," she says, still slightly impatient but seemingly less irritated compared to before. "But look, you either like him or you don't. It's not that complicated."

"But...how can I be sure? That the stuff I'm feeling is...that this is that?" I ask lamely. I don't want to stupidly misunderstand what my heart wants again and end up hurting someone in the process.

"Oh, you'll know," she says. "You know. Just be honest with yourself."

And then she turns around and starts to leave, having one-sidedly decided that I've heard enough, and...maybe I have. "Irina," I call out, and she stops at the bend of the steps to peek back at me. "I- I think I understand. Sort of. So..." I exhale. "Thanks." She simply nods, and disappears behind the wall, and I run back downstairs, my body full of nerves and my head full of Akito.

*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:

I like playing baseball. Mostly because there's a lot of running involved, and I'm good at running, and I like it when people cheer for me while I'm doing something I'm good at. Plus the other guys, they're cool too. Our captain says that the match isn't a high stakes one anyway, and that we should just have our fun with the game during practice. And it is fun. I like baseball. But I'm so out of it today that everyone notices.

I'm not very good at batting to begin with, but today, I'm repeatedly taking blind swings at the air in all the wrong directions, and fuck, I just can't stop thinking about honey-brown eyes and blue sweaters and the heat in my stomach and the fullness in my heart.

Some of the guys laugh at me, and some of them just pat me on the back and say nice things, but I still feel so shitty about being distracted because I'm worried about screwing up the game for all of them. And then I remember that the reason I've been practicing so hard in the first place is because I want to look cool for that stupid nerd, and it sends my brain on another unplanned trip.

And then I see him, a single splotch of blue heading towards the school gate in the distance, and I drop my bat, mumble something like be right back, and break into a run.

"Who's that?" I hear someone ask behind me.

"His boyfriend, I think?" somebody else says, and I flush to my neck, but I don't dare stop and correct them because I can't afford to lose him again.

The school bell went off only a few minutes ago, and it's still early for him to be leaving. The gate hasn't even been opened yet, because this is the time of day when everyone sits around for a while to catch up with their friends, or to take part in after-school club activities. I swallow the lump in throat, and force my legs to go faster, faster, because I hate to think about the fact that, if I hadn't looked his way when I did, I really might have missed him.

I scream his name and I see his shoulders visibly rise but he still doesn't look this way, and — what the fuck?

He's at the gate now, pushing it open himself, and I make up my mind then, to catch hold of him, and if he still refuses to look at me, to grab the sides of his face and make it so that he has no choice.

I reach the gate right when it's swinging shut again, and grabbing for it clumsily, I try to push it back, but then my skin catches on one of the decorative spikes and I wince, instinctively tearing my hand away and clutching it to my chest. A thin prickle of blood leaks down my palm, and I'm about to rub it onto my pants so that I can keep running, when I notice that the gate is being pried open again, and before I know it, Akito's in front of me, scrambling to take my hands in his.

"Ren...gosh," he rasps, examining the shallow gash on my hand and shaking his head, eyes blown wide with worry. "What...what were you doing?" he scolds, his breathing uneven, his brows scrunched together, and he finally, finally looks into my eyes. "Please be more careful," he whimpers, voice cracking, and what the hell — I like him.

All my doubts melt away.

I just like him, and braids girl was right, it's not complicated at all.

What now?

Boyfriend. Yeah...he'd make a pretty cute boyfriend.

...Do I tell him?

No, I decide instantly, because what if the timing is really off right now and I just don't realise it? What if he doesn't want to hear it at all? What if I don't say it right — and he gets the wrong idea and ends up not speaking to me for...for a year?

I take in the sight of his face, his worrying lips and the concerned creases on his forehead, and my chest throbs from all the words that I want to say, but it feels like I have a bone lodged in the back of my throat, and it hurts to speak, it hurts to swallow. What if I said something wrong already, and that's why he wouldn't look at me all morning? No, I think again. No, I'll fuck it up for sure.

"Ren...it might hurt when you grip the bat if we leave it like this. Let's...let's go and get a bandaid, okay?" he says gently, and I let out a soft grunt in response.

He then starts leading me back towards the school building, but instead of sliding his hand into mine, his fingers loosely circle my wrist, and I tell myself that it's because he wants to avoid touching the scratch in my palm. But then halfway across the grounds, he lets go of me, and I end up having to follow after him, and fuck, screw this, I'm so sick of looking at his back.

I take a couple quick steps and reach his side, then stare at him, waiting. After what feels like the longest second in history, he opens his mouth.

"Did you...did you eat?"

"Yeah," I say coarsely. "Amari shared some of her rice with me today...and, and she said she'd teach me how to cook some easy recipes, so...I'll manage."

He nods. "O-Okay."

I try to step closer to him, but he quickly shifts away, like he's being magnetically repelled, and I frown, throat burning. Is it me? Did I do something? "H-Hey," I start, unsure about what to say next because there are so many things that I want to ask him. Akito purses his lips together and looks at the ground. "Are you..."

"Rubi," he says suddenly, and I frown, glancing into the distance to see Amari hurrying this way, braids girl only a few steps behind. "Ren!" she gasps when she's close enough for me to hear her. "Is that blood? Jeez, what the heck," she cries, grabbing my hand and forcing my fingers open. "It's...not as bad as it looks," I mumble, tugging my hand away, but then she loops her arm through mine and starts to drag me inside. "You dumbass. Infirmary. Now."

A weak protest leaves my mouth as I try to glance behind me, attempting to figure out where Akito went, but it's too late already. He's gone. Fuck.

What now?

Did I screw up already?

Is it...is it over?

I look towards braids girl, somewhat desperately, because goddammit, I don't know what else to do. She sighs and walks up to my left, gently taking hold of my second arm. "He'll be back tomorrow," she whispers, and I cling to those words, because of course he'll be back tomorrow, it's a weekday, and...and he said he'd come watch me play, so there's also that to look forward to. Of course.

It's not over. Not yet.

END OF CHAPTER