"A liberal arts college close to home is what I'm thinking. And what universities are you applying to?" Rubi asks Irina as we wait outside the teachers' staffroom, grasping our respective career forms and standing in single file with the rest of our classmates.

"I haven't decided yet," Irina answers, her manner relaxed and carefree.

Rubi frowns. "What are you going to say to Sensei, then?"

"That I haven't decided yet."

I press my lips tightly together. Finals and college entrance exams are going to be upon us in a mere few months. Isn't it irresponsible and stress inducing to say that you haven't decided on your top university choices, this late in the game? And yet Irina seems utterly unworried.

When she catches me looking at her, she fixes me with a sharp stare over the top of Rubi's head, like she's daring me to say something. I swallow, and avert my eyes. I'd normally view this sort of flippant attitude as a fatal flaw, especially when it comes to a person's education. But something about Irina's general air of surety makes it impossible for anyone not to admire her, at least a little bit.

"And you?" Rubi asks, turning to face me. "What's your first choice?"

"H university," I say, trying my best to sound resolute.

"Oh!" she exclaims immediately, and then she pauses for a beat, unsure. "Oh," she says again, expression stuttering between a frown and a smile. "That's...I mean, you're sure? H university?"

"Y-Yeah," I say, voice faltering inspite of my efforts to keep it even. I always try to sound hard and sure when it comes to questions about my career plans, because it's the only way to ensure that I'm taken seriously.

I know that everyone at school thinks that aiming for H university is a fool's gambit. I thought I was prepared for the apprehension and scrutiny that I'd face upon voicing my goals, but seeing Rubi react with this much uncertainty makes the enormity of my decision hit that much harder. And beneath the accentuated fear, it's pain that I feel in my heart.

I guess I just really wanted her to believe in me.

"I'm sure," I add, hardening my voice. Forcing the words out.

It's new, this desire for encouragement and approval, and I can't see it as anything but yet another weakness.

What's happening to me?

How can I make it stop?

Rubi peers at my career slip. "You...haven't listed any backup schools," she observes, brows creasing with worry. "You...you could consider S university or K university. They aren't ranked as high as H university but they still hold an excellent reputation. Their acceptance rates are said to be more reasonable too. I'm not saying you should completely disregard H university, but...you know, just to be on the safe side," she suggests.

"I can't," I tell her. "They're too far away. I want to be able to live at home next year too, with Nee-san."

H university is an institution that holds utmost prestige, and I'm lucky enough to have it be within reasonable commuting distance to our current house. However the acceptance rates are said to be absurd, with thousands of students from all over the country taking the entrance exam every year, and only a few hundred making the cut.

Even if I did somehow manage to clear the entrance exam, the annual fee is still impossibly high, even for a respectable middle class family. If there's to be any hope for a scholarship, I'm going to have to place in the top hundred among all exam applicants.

However, gaining acceptance would mean paving a sure path to financial stability and success. I have to do this. I need this guarantee. If I get admitted there, I'll have finally, finally done something right in my life.

If I don't make it, I'll be forced to attend one of the regional schools close to home...just like my father did. Maybe I'd still be able to scrape by and eventually crawl to the top if it actually came to that, but I'm not risking it. The only way to ensure I don't end up the way he did is to do everything differently. Set concrete goals, gather the necessary resources, and study study study till I make it. It is vital that I get in.

I know it's not going to be easy. It may even be a long shot. But I've already made up my mind. I'm going to thoroughly dedicate myself to my textbooks for the next four months. I'm not giving up.

Noticing the tense set of my body, Rubi touches my hand. "A-Akito, I'm so sorry...I just, you never told me about this before so I was a little surprised, that's all," she says, eyes searching my face. "You know I'll support you no matter what you decide, right? A-And so will Irina!" she adds, nudging Irina with her elbow till she nods.

There, she said it. She said exactly what I wanted to hear her say.

She always does in the end, doesn't she?

I smile weakly. From inescapable exhaustion to crippling doubt — I've felt it all. Some mornings I want nothing more than to shut my eyes back up again, and dream about something nice, but I get up and drag myself to school anyway, and Rubi's always been the one waiting there, for me, to take my hand and give it a small tug, make it just a little easier to walk.

It's scary how much I've started to rely on her. One more weakness.

"You'll get in! For sure! I know you will!" she exclaims, this time with a confident smile.

"I...I hope you're right."

"You work hard after all," she says, like this is reason enough to do away with any doubt. "Harder than anyone I know."

I glance over at Irina, a very, very unreasonable part of me hoping that she'll have a few words for me too. She looks at me, and sighs. "It's not impossible if hundreds of kids are doing it every year." I nod. Hearing Irina say that it's achievable really does make it seem that way. "But don't be an idiot. Make a backup list of schools."

I don't answer. To me, adding even a single school to my backup list would be the same as acknowledging that there's a possibility that I might not get in, and I can't afford to leave any room for thoughts like that. I know myself, how tired and careless I get on some days, and this list might trick me into thinking that I have other options. It might bring my guard down, tempt me into taking more breaks than I need.

I can't let that happen.

"We need to ask Ren about his college plans too," Rubi is saying now, turning to face the front of the line. "I can't believe we've never talked about this before." The baseball players received permission to finish their career counseling sessions early to practice for sports day, so Ren isn't here with us right now. Truth be told, not knowing where he wants to be next year is killing me, but I've been consciously holding myself back from finding out because I don't want his plans to sway mine.

I'm scared.

Ren wasn't in the picture when I started highschool, when I erected my goals, but...it's different now. I have to acknowledge that it's different now.

...Why?

Because I always want to watch over him — make his lunches, set his tie right when it's crooked enough to catch notice, kiss the scabs on his hands. Because it hurts when I can't see him. Because I really really like him. Because he's Ren, and he's become a constant in my life this past year and I don't think I want that to change.

But does any of that matter, in the grand scheme of things?

From the start, my feelings for Ren have been nothing but an inconvenience to me. I think about him too much. How many nights have I spent lying on my bed, wondering where he fits into my life, when I should have been catching up on sleep or drafting timetables instead?

Sometimes, I wonder if this is what happened to my father too. If he met someone loud and kind and cute, and he let himself get swept away. I just...like him so much. But I can't afford to prioritise him right now. I can't. And besides, Ren is smart. He won't need me to look out for him forever.

A pressure builds in my stomach, and I close my eyes against it. What do I do?

"Irina Akiyama," the class rep calls, sticking her head out of the staffroom.

"Good luck," Rubi whispers after Irina as she leaves our side, posture unwavering. When the door closes behind her, Rubi sighs, her eyes lowering to her shoes.

I don't come across very many opportunities to be alone with her, so before I can deem it appropriate enough to ask, a question that's been sprouting in the back of my mind for weeks now, makes its way to my lips. "Are you and Irina...soulmates?" I ask carefully. I know that this has nothing to do with me, and that I have no concrete reason to even want to find out, but...just the way that the world seems to fall away when they smile at each other, the way you can always feel, almost see the...love between them, thick and quiet and warm, even in a big room full of people, has had me wondering.

Besides, at this point, it feels almost odd that I do not know. I mean, this is Rubi. She's stayed by my side through the worst of it. And soulmates...they're important to her. How is it that I've never asked her about hers before?

Rubi goes utterly still at my side, then slowly lifts her head to look up at me, her face shrinking in a sad - almost pained smile. The clamping in my stomach worsens almost immediately.

"I...I don't..." she starts, eyes darting around the hall as a teary laugh escapes her lips. "I don't...have...a soulmate." She laughs again. "Sorry."

"You...don't?" I repeat, if only to ensure that I didn't mishear.

"I don't have any strings."

"That...can't be right," I spurt, panic seizing my chest at the sight of the expression on her face. "It could be that you just cannot see them. Your own strings? It...it makes sense if you give it some thought, I mean, it would be a bit too convenient if you could see your own strings too, don't you think?" I pause, desperately hoping that she'll agree with me, because I really don't like seeing her like this.

Rubi just shakes her head, her face softening. "Akito...I can feel these things. I just...I know that there isn't anyone out there like that, for me." She touches my arm, and the look in her eyes changes, like she's shrugging off the pain. "But...I've had time to make peace with all of it, you know? I'm okay." She averts her gaze for a moment, then looks at me again, uncertain. "If...when Irina does end up...getting together with one of her soulmates...I'll..." She lets out a breath, determined. "I'll find a way to be happy for her."

I stare at her, a sharp burn in the back of my throat that hurts all the more when I try to swallow it down. She smiles at me, but I can't bring myself to reciprocate the action. I'm just so...mad at myself. I have no way knowing how much truth there is to the words Rubi just spoke, but I do know that since the start, she's really been prepared to step back and let Irina go because she wants her to be happy.

So why can't I be like that too? Why can't I let...Ren go?

On that day in the hospital, a year and a half ago, my grandmother gripped my shaking hands and whispered to me to take care of my sister. I made a promise. I want to become someone Nee-san can rely on, and there's only one clear cut way to do that. I can't be with Ren. But Ren...he's got other soulmates. He's got Rubi. He'll be fine, even without me. I've always known that, haven't I? And yet I've stayed so closely by his side, just because he makes me feel good. I've been so irrational, and selfish. I haven't been moving forward at all.

I really am pathetic.

"Akito Kai."

Rubi's hand on my arm falls away as I step into the staffroom, eyes fixed to the front.

Once I'm there, I explain my situation to my teacher, and sit attentively across from him as he gives me patient advice, clenching my jaw each time he hits me with the harsh possibilities, and inspite of myself, I flinch a little when he tells me that my performance at school has been subpar. That what I've been doing up until now will not be enough. That I will have to work at least twice as hard.

I absorb it all, head on, and after a lengthy career discussion, I stand up and leave the room.

By then, it's past school hours already, and the line of waiting students has long dispersed. When I step into the grounds outside, I clench my fingers around the straps of my bag and instinctively look for Rubi in the happy crowd around me. I spot her messing around with Ren, Irina and Nee-san on an empty patch of grass a little into the distance, and I'm reluctant when I start to head over, but once I'm close enough to hear their playful screams, see their smiles, I'm instantly swallowed by warmth.

I don't think I've ever known this feeling before now, this complete sense of belonging.

"Akito!" Rubi calls when she notices me approaching. "We're playing blindfold tag, come join us!"

Everyone has already unconsciously moved aside so that I'm now a part of the standing circle, and it's so unbelievably tempting, to drop my bag in the grass and nod, join in and turn into a puddle of careless laughter. But I have to go home. I have to study. "I...can't," I mumble.

"I'm so sick of you having the blindfold, you only go after Amari and it's so fucking obvious that you're cheating," Ren fumes at Irina, unintentionally talking over me. Irina rolls her eyes and Nee-san laughs, patting him on that back. "Maybe we can give Akito the blindfold for this round, since he just got here," she suggests, and then Ren looks at me and just like that, my heart is doing that undeniably happy little flutter again.

His eyes drop to the career form I'm holding, and before I know it, he's ripping it out of my hands. I stay still as he studies the sheet of paper for a long moment, and then he looks up at me, with this adorably stupid grin, and says, "You're not going away next year?"

What do I do?

I nod, the painful tug in my stomach threatening to swallow me up whole.

Ren frowns, examining my face. "Stomach ache?" he asks quietly. I almost break into a sob as I nod again.

"Do you...do you want me to take you to the infirmary or anything?"

I shake my head. "I'll be fine."

Ren opens his mouth again, but shuts it when Rubi steps towards me, done with untying the blindfold from around Irina's neck. "Okay guys, last round, we all gotta go home after this," she announces as she starts to lift the piece of cloth to my eyes, and everyone starts to scatter, smiling watchfully at me.

I allow myself to close my eyes for a short second, breathe, and when I open them again, I catch Rubi's hands before she manages to press the blindfold to my face. To me, standing at the heart of this group is like settling into a cozy, heated room. I know, that the longer I stay, the harder it will get to leave, and by the time I do manage to move, to grip the icy knob of the door and twist, the outside world will have become twice as cold. Twice as unwelcoming.

What do I do?

I know. I know what I have to do.

I firmly push her hands away. "I can't play," I say, louder this time, and without looking at Ren, I turn to leave, walking away as fast as my feet will let me.

Halfway across the grounds, Nee-san catches up to me, breathless from running. "Where do you think you're going without me?" she asks.

"You c-can stay," I croak, my voice all choked up.

She punches me on the arm. "I came here to take you home, silly."

"I can go home by myself," I snap, the feelings in my chest swirling into a blaringly vicious blur. Nee-san abruptly slows and I plough ahead, then get on the first bus I can find.

I'm not ever looking back again.

END OF CHAPTER

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A/N :

Okay guys, ten chapters + one epilogue left to go, wish me luck please.